Posts Tagged ‘life patterns’

Don’t Feed The Monkey!

January 16, 2011

It’s been one of those weekends when I have been in resentment more than I want to be.  I have a couple of situations that I am dealing with that can really get to me if I allow it.  And you know who loves it when I allow myself to be angry, resentful and generally negative, you guessed it – ego.  She loves it because she is the monkey mind that wants things to be the absolute worst so she can control it all and revel in it.  She also is so damn sneaky that I don’t know she is creeping into control until I am ready to burst.  Some days I don’t have the energy or the strength to tell her “I see you, I see what you are doing.”  As Eckert Tolle said in his book “The New Earth”, ego loses strength just by  my being aware and observing what is happening.  Now I am beginning to see what she is doing and I start to think “What familiar pattern is this?”.

I was ready to head out to the car and scream my lungs out today and yesterday because I was frustrated.  Most days I can deal with it and notice the patterns and be able to let it roll off my back.  But for some reason I haven’t been able to do it this week.  2 or 3 three comments at different time just hit me wrong and I wasn’t able to stay objective – I went into victim mode and fed the monkey a huge meal.  One of the exercises we do at Ike Pono has to do with showing  how we assign significance to things where there is no significance.  It’s all a story we make up about a situation.  It is an exercise that does piss some people off and when it  is finished, they are asked what the purpose of the exercise was.  They come up with all kinds of answers except the real answer.   It does make them start thinking about times in their life where they made up a story about something that didn’t actually have a story.  Now I know this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense unless you have taken the weekend – I don’t talk about the exercises because they have a sequence and it would take them out of context to describe them.  All those stories we make up feed the monkey.

I have to admit, I have fed the monkey a feast this weekend, but it doesn’t mean I am going to beat myself up – more food for the monkey.  I see patterns from my life and how I have always reacted – time to change those patterns and viewpoint to a positive one. How easy to say it or write it but not all that easy to do.  I feel attacked and insulted for no reason, other times I feel I am not heard or valued.  Is it actually true or a story I made up to feel justified if I struck back in retaliation?  I can think of times when I did it back just so that person would know how it felt.  But it didn’t really work, just made the other person angry and more mean.  I felt powerless and helpless – don’t like feeling that at all.

Plus, yesterday was my birthday and I wanted to feel like a princess with everything sunshine and smiles.  It is my only 64th birthday and I wanted it to be “perfect”.  It is an unreachable outcome for things to be “perfect” – ask all the bridezillas out there.  Maybe just feel a bit more special than usual for my birthday.   Now I have to say, my husband brought me flowers, took me to dinner and generally made feel very loved so that princess part was just about there.  So what is my excuse today?  I’m working on not feeding the monkey today, it is taking all my angels and Spirit to work in me to change my attitude.  Actually, this is one of those times when I need an attitude overhaul rather than just an adjustment.

As I think about being resentful, I realize no one else is really aware of it or even cares because they are all caught up in their own stories from their point of view.  I have to constantly remind myself that the after effects are on me, my body and my frame of mind.  By sitting and stewing about it, playing the victim just continually feeds the monkey.  It will take some time to remember when I get this way that  it is not worth it and tell myself


The Inner Critic

January 10, 2011

Oh my, we all have one, don’t we?  Some have a stronger one than others and I have to admit, I have allowed her to be much too strong.  I  have handed her the sledge hammer she uses to beat me up – I just stand there and let her do her worst.  Why?  Well, for so long I thought I deserved it – but I now realize those are only programs that I didn’t realize were there or understand what was happening.  Yes, I am now more aware – I have also invited her to beat me up because I believed all those negative things abut myself.

I heard a story the other day about The Inner Critic that was so cool and unexpected.  Her name is SARK – she is a writer and also creates posters and cards.  She tells about doing a show as she is promoting her new book and when she was finished, she heard her inner critic telling her how bad it was, etc.  She felt bogged down by it and knew she had to do something because she has other interviews and events that day.  As she walked out the front door of the studio, she saw a squad car and a police officer.  She went over to him and asked if he would do her a favor.  She explained what had just happened and asked him if he would arrest her inner critic and take her away in his squad car.  He was a little surprised, but he arrested her inner critic, opened the back door of the squad and put her and drove off – laughing.  Then SARK was able to go on to her events with out her inner critic hanging over her head.

WOW!  I loved that!  As a matter of fact, I was coming home that day and stopped for gas.  it’s been cold here for a bit – yes, cold to us, not the Arctic Circle.  As I was filling my gas tank, I started thinking “I’m so tired of the cold”.  I realized that was really negative I decided to arrest my inner critic.  I imagined an arrest warrant, then the squad car and putting her inside, shutting the door and watching her be driven away.  After that I thought about what is great about the cold weather – being inside warm and dry by a fire, reading with a lovely hot cup  of tea and a cat purring in my lap.  I also thought about going out early Wednesday mornings to my networking breakfast group and  seeing the sun rise over the mountains and enjoying a magnificent view of Mt. Rainier – otherwise known as The Big Snowcone.  I was also very glad to come home to the warmth.  Now all I have to do is remember to do that every time I feel negative.  One of those simple but hard things.

I just finished one of my Ike Pono weekends and I was surprised and pleased to see how much more comfortable I am staffing.  I even put in my 8 cents worth and felt good about it.  Funny, they mentioned how much I have changed since my own first weekend, they had to pry words out of me a lot – a little strange since I am a motormouth from a long line of motormouths.  I also was crying a lot – still do but I don’t flood the place any more.  I had a chance to talk with Michael about understanding surrendering and letting go because I still haven’t gotten a handle on it.  It was one of those times when I needed to hear it in very plain words – essentially he said to stop beating myself up and just be.  Another simple but hard.  I never thought I was an analyzer, but that’s what I am trying to do, analyze what it is and be able to see it and hold it in my hands so I understand it.

I was working with the current Ohana on an exercise and I found myself thinking about myself.  It was a breakthrough exercise and I started thinking about what keeps me holding on to RA and what does it take to truly let it go.  I told Michael I know now RA is only part of me, not my identity; I’m trying to figure out how to know that I know way down deep inside me.  That is where he told me I am constantly trying to figure things out and beat myself up – just be.  Then he asked if I dream, I said I do.  Then he asked if I have RA when I am dreaming – I don’t think I do.  That is who I really am.  There is a tug of war inside me – one side is all about RA and the other is my true self.  Then he asked me what my Spiritual Contract is – I am joy.  That is who I really am and to be that.  It may mean saying it over and over to myself and also going back to my lists of the 25 positive things I am and concentrating on those.

Like the rest of Ike Pono, it will have to sit and simmer on the back burner and then one day a light bulb goes on and I realize “That’s what that is!”.  It has happened more than once and I expect it will continue as I see patterns in my life and also as I help other with their journeys.  Yes, the inner critic is still there, I am simply becoming more aware of her and remembering to to tell her to “Knock it off!” or even arresting her.  I have been beating myself up for 63 years – for no valid reason it turns out – and as I turn 64 on Saturday, it is going to be less and less for the future.  The biggest gift I can give myself is to love myself without judgment or criticism.  Then it is so much easier to love others the same way.

Another one of those days!

November 27, 2010

I certainly didn’t expect to have another one of “those” days quite so soon, but there is no telling what will happen from one day to the next.  I am working on seeing Life as an adventure and that isn’t always easy.  Last night was one of those “end of my rope” times – I am still not sleeping and I was really dragging.  Plus I felt a migraine coming on and it just seemed as if I couldn’t climb out of the hole of not sleeping very well for so long.  I  also was really feeling pain in my legs – I was at that point of starting to cry.  But what surprised me was how I  found myself feeling better – I got to thinking that as long as I focus on not sleeping well and being so tired – isn’t that creating what I don’t want?   It was time to change direction, so I just asked God to change my attitude to positive.  He has done that many times before – one time I remember especially.  It was 1974 and we had just moved to an apartment complex in the South Bay of Los Angeles.  A brand new apartment, bigger than the one we left in San Francisco, but I felt “I don’t like this place”.  So I asked God to change my attitude and by golly, the next time I thought about it, I was fine.

I grew up with a legacy of several generations of negativity – how amazing that given that history, my Mom and Dad definitely changed a lot of that pattern for the three of us girls.  They always made us feel loved and wanted and we did so much together as a family – Dad always said if they couldn’t take us somewhere, they didn’t want to go.  They also brought us up with integrity – some days it felt like a blessing, other days more of a curse.  How could I be a “bad girl” with all that “good girl” programming?I always wondered what it would be like to be a “bad girl”.  Mom and Dad gave us  a good grounding in many things and more and more I realize how blessed I was to grow up in this family.

The negative part was always there as well, not always spoken, more implied.  One of the negative concepts was that the world is a scary place, so be safe and secure before venturing out.  Not conducive to taking risks and stepping out of the comfort zone.  There didn’t seem to be an example of stepping out to help guide us – so I have always been scared to step out in something risky.   Except one that I ended up copying.   Now I know that going down to Australia to marry a man I hardly knew was certainly a risk, except I didn’t really see it that way.  My aunt has introduced us and if she thought there was anything shady about him, I know she would have let me know in no uncertain terms.  Plus I had my Mom’s example – she went to California to marry my Dad right after Pearl Harbor even though her family thought she was crazy.  it took me as long to go to Australia in 1969 as it took her to go from Connecticut to California in December 1941.  I realize there was an objective in that rip, he was at the end of the flight and I couldn’t wait to see him again.  There were a couple of three times when I thought to myself “What am I doing?  I don’t know this man” .  That’s when The Voice arrived, asking “Well, if you don’t go, how will you feel?”.  The answer was, I would regret it.  The Voice said “then shut up and do it!”.

I know my parents loved us, but it seemed there was always second guessing and micro-managing – any time we did something or went somewhere.  It was a constant “Don’t fall down the bank”, “Don’t trip and hurt yourself”, “Don’t cut yourself” “Don’t, Don’t, Don’t”!  That was when we went to the property they owned on Vashon Island and we checked out the fruit trees, the high bank waterfront on the Sound and the old barn with all kinds of things inside.  Ye Gods and Little Fishes!  Did she think I or my sisters were going to do things deliberately to see how much damage we could do with the least amount of effort?  Give me a break!  We did have common sense after all.

Recently I began to be more aware of the patterns of only looking at the negative.  We have a long, steep windy hill in front of us and we can get to West Seattle more easily that way.  So when I was driving my Mom down it one day, she talked about going over the edge and ending up in a heap at the bottom without any trouble.  I suddenly realized I didn’t want to buy into that any more, so I said we could just as easily go down the hill and get to where we were going  with no problem.  I had never done that before and I have started noticing things ever since then.  It does take more practice to be aware of the negative patterns – negative autopilot is easier and more familiar.  It is slowly getting easier as I practice – I am a work in progress.

One thing I have chosen to do is to set an intention of  knowing the truth about myself because I now know it isn’t all negative as I have always feared.  Yes, there are things that are uncomfortable, may make me cringe and aren’t easy to admit and embrace; but there isn’t a godawful bitch on wheels in there after all.  Inside there is an amazing woman coming into her own and she is a Kickass Warrior.


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