Archive for the ‘Emotions’ Category

Too Beat To Rant

May 15, 2014

I have put this in the Emotions Category, though I’m not sure I have that much energy to rant and race about dealing with Mom. I went to see her 4 times in the last week – last Tuesday, Friday, Sunday with Eddie for Mother’s Day and yesterday. She has a couple of meds for depression as well as to help her sleep at night. As a result, she is kind of sleepy a lot of the time. When I read or bring my iPad, she tends to doze, sometimes goes to sleep. I also notice there are times when I see her, she isn’t willing to really have a hug. Other times she is very glad to see me and enjoys a back rub. Yesterday She looked at me and so I said “I am your daughter Elizabeth”. She then knew who I was and was happy to have me there.

It’s so hard sometimes to visit her – at times I would rather not go at all – but I never want her to think I have abandoned her. I see this woman in the adult family home and she resembles my Mom, but she is so different. The Mom I knew is barely there. As this process has progressed, it seems as I grow stronger, she diminishes. I can’t fathom what it is like for her inside, especially since every person is different. I was at the caregivers support group on Monday and I am glad I have that to help me deal with this whole dementia thing.

I am in the process of writing 2 books simultaneously – based on the blog posts I have written about RA and dementia. Before I did any post on dementia, I had done some writing (ranting) about what was going on and how frustrated, angry and upset I was about the situation. I never published them on the blog and as I read them while working on the book, I was amazed at the energy and emotion I had then. (There’s a good reason I didn’t publish them – no whinge zone).

Things are very different now. I don’t really have the need to rant, but maybe I need to just pour out my emotions about the current situation and cry if necessary. I don’t seem to have the energy to be worked up any more, it is more a sadness than frustration. Some of it may be that I have a lot of my own things – physical – that I need to clean out; I also have stuff in my head that is no longer valid and that also needs to be cleared out.

If you aren’t into woo woo, goofball and hocus pocus, you may want to quit reading.

I talked to an intuitive a couple of weeks ago about what is holding me back from selling the furniture. She told me I have a lot of Spirits around. She saw 2 older women baking bread, a little boy who took her and showed her the puppies and there are cats and all kinds of spirits. She also saw my Dad – he is here waiting for mom to finish what she needs to do here. He loves her so much – I remember many times he would say “Your mother is the most wonderful woman in the world”. He is pleased with me and loves me – he wanted to know if it was all right that he is here. I said “Absolutely, I’m delighted to have him here”!

She suggested I call Paul and Jude at Whispering Dragon to have them clear them out. I had heard about them before and wondered if it would a good idea to have them come. The next item on my list.

I wonder if part of the fatigue is bumping into all the spirits here along with RA and dealing with Mom. I also know if I keep thinking and saying out loud about being tired, the Universe sends whatever I focus on. Instead, I need to create more positive thoughts and words to change to positive – I am the only one who can do it. I like Louise Hay’s quote “It’s only a thought, and a thought can be changed”.

Tags:Emotion, fatigue, intuitive, Louise Hay, Mom, rant, spirits, Universe
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Happy Birthday Ellen

May 4, 2014

I knew Ellen’s birthday was coming up, but I have been so focused on myself that I let her birthday slip by. I planned to do couple of things and then suddenly the time has slipped away to be on her birthday. It will be a little late this year, but it is coming. I have the coolest sisters and so appreciate them, they have been a great support as I have been taking care of Mom and her needs. I wish they had been able to be here to see Mom when she had periods of recognizing her daughters. Sometimes she knows me, sometimes I am a familiar presence. Ellen sent more maple sugar candy for Mother’s Day, Mom really enjoys them.

Ellen has a gift for choosing just the right gift for giving, I wonder how she does it. I remember one Christmas, she gave us a pair of the coolest scissors – I have used them for quilting, sewing and all kinds of things. They cut so smoothly and easily, they are my favorite pair. It was unexpected and turned out to be a wonderful choice.

Ellen is my older sister, the one I played stick horses with when we lived in Southern California. She is 4 years older than I am but that didn’t seem to be a big gap when I was up to age 7. First it was just a square stick with rope tied at the end for reins, then later Dad made heads for the sticks. I called mine Scout – probably after Tonto’s Scout. I can’t remember what Ellen named hers. We loved them and had a wonderful time playing with them. When we were moving up to Seattle, for some reason Dad wouldn’t let us take them. We never quite figured out why – they weren’t all that big. We both were upset and decided to put them behind the garage when we left. I wonder if anyone ever found them.

She did have friends on our block more her age, but I also remember we spent a lot time together. I am sure she remembers Betsy, hot dogs and cheese. I remember my Dad bought Betsy – don’t ask me what year or model car she was – and he took us out for a drive. We all sat in the front seat and we realized there were a couple of floorboards missing. I think we went through a puddle and got splashed, but I am not sure.

I have a vague memory of a show we put on with the some of the neighborhood kids, but that’s about all. Maybe she remembers better than I do. There was a game called “Kick the Can” the kids played. There was a coffee can filled with water flowers and who knows what other debris; we went around in a circle with our eyes closed and whoever kicked the can over had to do something. Usually it was run up to someone’s door, ring the bell and run away. I remember only playing a couple of times.

When moved up here to Seattle, suddenly Ellen seemed so much older. We went to Madrona grade school about 2 months before the year ended – I was in 2nd grade and she was in 5th grade. I had gone to school a year early, so I was 3 grades behind her rather than 4.. We went to Madrona another year and then moved to this house. Ellen started junior high (7th grade) and I went into 4th grade – 2 different schools and the age difference really seemed wide.

Ellen has always been a wonderful artist and I watched her do her homework for the Famous Artist Course. It was a 3 year home study course, I admired her talent and ability. She is an amazing artist and has been taking photos in Ocean Grove, New Jersey, for several years. She has also done some paintings from those photos.

She was married and then I left for Australia to be married, so we didn’t see each other for a long time. I would come and visit here, either by myself or with Eddie and she would come to see us. It’s funny (peculiar) how the gap seems to widen between us until the last few years. There is something about getting older that narrows the gap so I feel there isn’t such a gap. All three sisters have had very different lives, but now my sisters seem so much closer even though we live far away from each other.

I did vist Ellen in Ocean Grove about 9 or 10 years ago – I went to visit my head office for my promotional marketing business and since they are in New Jersey, I just took the Garden State Parkway down to Ocean Grove to spend a few days with Ellen. I’m so glad I did; I would like to do it again and also visit Candy in Nashville.

Happy Belated

Birthday Ellen!

Tags:Birthday, Candy, childhood, Ellen, kick the can, Mom, neighbor kids, older sister, Seattle
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I Am A Late Bloomer

April 27, 2014

There have been only two things in my life I did early – I was born 2 weeks early and went to school a year earlier than was smart. The birth was when I was ready – maybe the doctor miscounted or Mom wasn’t quite sure when to start counting. Anyway, I arrived around 6 a.m., a day before my parents 5th wedding anniversary. And there was my big sister to welcome me too. As for school, my Dad tells the story of Ellen getting on the bus to go to school and me making a huge fuss to get on with her to see where she went. We were in Southern California at the time and if I was 5 by the 1st of march, I could start kindergarten. Later, when we moved to Seattle, I suddenly found I was a year younger than everyone else in my class.

I must have shot my wad on early things; after that, I always felt I was trying to catch up. I was not making the greatest grades in school – mostly C’s with a B and A every once in a while. Meanwhile, my older sister was just at the right age for her grade and did very well. Not always easy to be three years behind her and having a lot of the same teachers she had. When she graduated, I started in that Fall – there were a lot of teachers who remembered Ellen and I had the feeling they expected me to do as well as she did. It didn’t work out that way – maybe I was a little in over my head at the time.

As a result, my parents thought I would have done better if I had waited a year. When my sister Candy went to school, they made her wait a year, so she was a big older than the others. She, too, had good grades and was active in school, maybe that extra year was a real bonus for her. With the age difference, the three of us were more like 3 generations because we weren’t in the same school at any time together. By the time Candy went to high school, she was in a different one than we were because they changed the school boundaries. There were no reminders of an older sister for her – it was a whole new place just for her.

I have to admit, I didn’t expect it would take this long – I am 67 and still working on what I want to be when I grow up. Now one would think that from my start in life I would be a go getter – I was born two weeks early, at 6 in the morning. My Dad once said I was born tired and never got rested. I was 19 when I had my first date – I didn’t do well with boys because I was so unsure and had no experience about boys except my Dad. I always thought a brother would have been a good thing, unfortunately my parents never went for the idea of trading in my younger sister for an older brother. Always wondered why. I was married at 22, by then almost all the girls in my graduating class had been married for a while. Then of course I went to Australia to be married. I have never figured out what I want to be when I grow up – haven’t found anything that really “hits” me. I am have to create it for myself. I have never felt I fit anywhere. So here I am looking at 67 and I feel as if there is something really cool just around the corner – not sure what it is or how it will look and feel. All I know is I am open, receptive, unlimited, allowing with no preconceived ideas of what it has to be or how it will show up. I am finally at a point of thinking in terms of “Whatever works”.

It’s not to say I have had a boring life, once that wonderful Armenian fellow I met at my aunt’s came into my life, things have been very interesting. We were married in Australia and it is a bit disconcerting to find we will be celebrating our 45th wedding anniversary in less than a month. Put in years, it seems quite a long time. But it doesn’t feel that long. In many ways, I look back at the first years and it almost feels as if it happened to someone else or that I read it in a book. I have learned so much, been to many places I have always wanted to go, some places I never thought about and others I have no desire to return. I have met a lot of interesting and amazing people over the years, they have taught me so much.

I wonder what I am meant to do – sometimes I feel time is running out and I am getting too old. But I have heard the phrase “You are never too old” and I continue to learn and grow. I am looking to the future and what will unfold – anything is possible for me. I know I am not the same person I was and there is no changing the past. I learned long ago not to beat myself up – I did the best I could with what I had and knew at the time. I am learning that it is and was all perfect for me; I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am without it. I choose to learn to embrace the future and also learn to enjoy the journey – sometimes seems a bit counterintuitive. When I think about what I was doing before, I hear Dr. Phil in my head asking “How’s that working for you?’ and know it’s not working for me. Much better to try something different and see what happens.

Tags:Australia, Candy, Eddie, Ellen, future, late bloomer, Parents, school
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Visiting With Mom

March 9, 2014

I have been visiting Mom rather than visiting with her – I just noticed the difference this week. I have had trouble dealing with not understanding what she says and curbing my urge to ask what she means or to repeat it. My close friend Char told me recently she had visited her Mom and didn’t understand a word she said. So she asked her Mom “Does that make sense to you?” Her Mom’s answer was “No”. I thought I would try it with Mom, though Mom’s answer was “Yes, it makes sense”. Mom is operating under a different form. What is interesting is that although the words are gibberish to me, Mom says it in a very conversational way – she knows what she is saying, I am the one who doesn’t understand.

Mom with Candy at her book signing. She is very proud of Candy.

Two things she definitely understands are chocolate and cookies. I bring some with me every time I visit and she is delighted to have them. I have learned not to ask her if she enjoyed the chocolate or cookies after she has eaten them because she doesn’t remember she ate them. I have been nervous about what to say to Mom, but I am finding it a bit easier now because I realize I don’t have to know exactly what she is saying.

I have been reading Candy’s new book to Mom recently, first time I have read it as well. I know Judy has told me Mom takes in things she hears and I am noticing that reading this book. Friday she made several comments as I read and at one point talked for a bit – not sure what she said, just asked “Is that so?’ and Mom agreed. So it wasn’t necessary to know what she said, just to acknowledge and validate it. I can sometimes tell when she thinks something isn’t a good thing, mostly my her tone and sometimes a “shouldn’t or no that’s not good” comes across.

Last Tuesday I took my iPad to play some of the songs she likes – except it once again gave me fits. Some days it works well and other days it looks so different and I am not quite sure what to do. I have begun to make a playlist for her so I will have the songs she likes, though I haven’t done too well with Bing Crosby so far. What will play on my desktop isn’t always available on the iPad. Now I have to figure out how to start the playlist.

It’s an interesting process and I think I am more comfortable now – there are times when I feel at a loss, but I am doing my best. I haven’t told her about Barrie dying, don’t think it will really register and there isn’t anything she can do about it. I also haven’t said anything about our next door neighbor, he is having difficulty and two of the sons are there right now. We had gone to bed Wednesday night and I heard this thrum and flash of lights – the fire truck was there and I saw a fireman in their kitchen. Shortly after an ambulance came in, so I figured it was bad enough to take him to the hospital. He was back home the next morning bit they may have to have someone there for a while. I’m sure Mom would be worried if she knew.

I will admit I still have days when I don’t want to go visit Mom, so I make sure I have somewhere to go and do something entirely different after the visit. Plus, I don’t want Mom to feel she has been abandoned. When I come and she is very sleepy or having a nap because she had a bad night, I am almost glad we won’t have a visit. I think she is more aware of things than I realize, but I couldn’t say in what way. I think she still knows who I am at times, I am better at not taking it personally because it is part of dementia. Some of what is happening has to do with getting older, some from dementia – I am so grateful to Judy for helping me understand what’s happening with the things I don’t quite understand.

It has been quite a learning experience for me and for Mom – I may never know how it is for her, but as a daughter and a woman, I have learned a lot over the past 2 or 3 years. I have learned about myself, my Mom and dementia – strangely, there have been gifts in it I am still understanding.

I also wonder who will be there for me if I am in this position.

Tags:adult family home, Candy, dementia, Mom, reading, visiting
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Unseen Journey

February 27, 2014

I keep wondering why Mom is still here when she wants to leave and go home – she misses my Dad and Josephine, her cat. She seems more in another world than here in this life. I have wondered what her purpose and contract is for this particular lifetime and I think I may now have a partial answer. At least it makes sense to me, though it is her purpose and life rather than mine. My sister Candy wrote this and it helps me see it from a different perspective.

I am so surprised that Mom has lived so long since Daddy’s passing, yet I have come to realize that she got to see so much of my own career changes, plus helping me through financially turbulent times, by staying. Now that I have business partners, it feels like I have finally landed in a safe place, and all the creative works that were in jeopardy in the financial crash have been rescued so that we can grow and prosper in this new publishing paradigm. Mom would have liked that; to know her faith in me was not misplaced.

Of course, all Mom really wanted was for all of us to be happy, and even though we cannot guarantee that, we can choose to love each other the best we can, believe in each other and in ourselves, and also cherish our own private journeys, making choices that only God/Spirit/OverSoul will see. Perhaps Mom needed these years without Daddy to claim her own private soul journey. Who knows? It’s all part of the great Mystery, isn’t it?

I do know one thing in my heart, though there is no “proof” that will convince any skeptic. That our souls keep growing and that this life is only one stage of a longer and larger journey. Even now, though Mom seems to be sinking into another world, this time is not “useless” but may be an incredibly important unseen work that will bear fruit only on the other side.

I am more and more convinced that we must live our lives well and do the best we can, but then to let go of the results and to not judge. We don’t know what seemingly “unimportant” choice in our lives can have an effect that will reverberate in ways we cannot see. Who knows what is being accomplished in ways that cannot be seen on earth? We catch glimpses of our own stories, seen partially, as in a rear view mirror. How one choice affected our lives, even if we didn’t know at the time how important that choice would be.

This stage of Mom’s journey is teaching me to let go and to allow her to have her own experience–something beyond her role as my mother and our adult friendship. I don’t know why she needs this particular form of leaving us. It has definitely taught me that there were many mercies in Daddy’s sudden passing. But then, there have been many mercies in this passing, in spite of the sadness and difficulties.

Perhaps her process helps us in our process of saying goodbye. I’m sure that the feeling of Mom as all-powerful and all-knowing was just one stage of childhood, but I found I still carried that feeling with me into adulthood. And so if Mom didn’t understand what I wanted to do (move to Nashville and be a songwriter, among many things) part of me always wondered if she was right and I was wrong. Don’t get me wrong. She supported me. But there were some accomplishments and dreams she could share, and others that were outside of her interests and understanding. Now I am no longer reporting to Mom (other than in prayer and sending invisible love) and am taking responsibility for my life in a new way. And finding unexpected freedom to have my own experience, even if it is different from hers.

I love reading D.E. Stevenson and other novelists we both loved. I share that with Mom in my heart. But I also love going to songwriter nights, and I know Mom might appreciate the fellowship of kindred spirits, but she wouldn’t have cared much for some of the forms that fellowship comes through in my life. There’s nothing disreputable about my songwriter friends (though they may sometimes be a bit raffish) but they just wouldn’t be her kind of people and she would not have appreciated most of them (or the reason to mess around with writing songs in the first place). But she would have appreciated the laughter and fun.

Now Mom is showing me that it’s okay for us to have differing experiences, and sometimes the only thing we might have in common is the human journey. Since Mom’s journey is basically out of our hands (other than Lee and Eddie creating the safe set up so she could navigate this solo journey), there’s no use in feeling guilty that we can’t help her more–or that she can no longer participate in our journeys. I’m seeing that we are connected by Something so much larger than our limited human experience.

I also comfort myself knowing that we live life one minute at a time. And Mom does, too. I think that her world (at least on this side) is probably absorbed in the same kind of experiences we have when we are ill. Disoriented, feverish, and experiences based on bodily issues. At the same time, a dream world which is larger and stranger than earth reality. We already know she saw others during her train phase. I believe she is even more guarded in this portion of the journey by angels and ancestors. And, of course, our prayers. So I send love, believing that whatever she can’t use right now will be gathered up and taken with her when she begins that final journey and reaches her destination. I keep visualizing her on a brilliant but foggy shore, and Daddy and Josephine walking toward her through the mist, and following behind all the friends and family she knew. And she will know them there as she never knew them on earth; they will be seen so much more clearly in the bright sunlight of that other dimension where all the earthly realities become the dream, and we will live in the light of greater realities.

She wrote this in an email that really touched me and be more positive about Mom and her life path and purpose. Thank you Candy for writing this post, I couldn’t have said it half as well as you have. I realize I am too close to Mom and her journey, too close to see it objectively – I am grateful for my two sisters, they help me keep things in perspective. Ellen said in an email:

I too am so grateful to Candy for her ability to express the seemingly inexpressible as we go through the process of feeling our way along with Mom and her changes.

I am seeing gifts in Mom’s dementia that I didn’t expect, so it isn’t all gloom, doom and depression. I need to pay more attention to see what she is teaching me with her journey with dementia.

Tags:Candy, dementia, Ellen, Journey, Mom
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Seeing Mom

February 23, 2014

Some days it is hard to visit my Mom as the dementia continues to take over her life. I sometimes don’t recognize her as my Mom sometimes – who is that old woman? But she stays essentially my Mom, the woman who gave birth to me and raised me with my two sisters. She and my Dad did a great job of making me (I won’t speak for my sisters) feel loved and wanted, taught me integrity ( my sister Ellen feels they gave us a great gift in that, I hadn’t thought of it before and I am glad she said it) as well as honesty, respect for other people and their property. They gave us discipline too – when they threatened with “warming your fanny”, I knew they would carry out the threat. They always felt kids needed to have boundaries and they would test those boundaries to make sure they were still there.

I saw Mom on Friday and she was doing well, alert and aware. Maybe it was sitting at the dining room table instead of the recliner with a throw over her that made the difference. My neighbor Delores called in the morning and asked to come with me to visit Mom. She took some sugar-free chocolate and a mandarin orange for her – I took the cookies just in case. We did have a nice visit and I think I may be getting more comfortable about just seeing how it flows. At one point I read some of Candy’s new book and Delores really liked it – so I have lent her my copy for her to read. She also thought “The Translucent Heart” was good as well and I lent her the pages I printed so she could read the whole thing.

I had a long email from my sister Candy the other day; she was writing from her perspective as a daughter living many miles away.

I feel I can really only communicate from the other side of the veil now. Strange to think that all the things I used to be able to do for her are useless now. No phone conversations, no books, only cards and toys and treats–and who knows what gets through from this side of the veil. I think we have each taken our turn with her process. My Sunday night phone conversations took us through memory lane, then deciding what to do with certain precious family heirlooms (part of the reason for my long list), and then through the disorientation and waiting for the train, which was always a time of reassuring her it would all be fine, and that she would find Daddy and Josephine and friends and family on the other side, and that her daughters would eventually come to join her.

I also think about our different experiences of Mom in various stages of life and from our different perspectives. As the youngest, I got to know a mother who began to gain self-confidence when she started volunteering at the airport and hooking rugs. She told me that she had no self-confidence before then, even with all the love she shared with Daddy. I think I would have been around eight or ten when she started volunteering at the airport, so the two of you would have been either out of the house or migrating out of the house into adult lives just as Mom was getting some confidence and perspective on herself. I got the benefit of being around in my twenties, too. I could visit Mom and Dad quite often, without all the holiday craziness. Just being there, yet even at that, still not that often. But I saw her in happier times when we were all healthy and independent.

I often wonder what Ellen’s perspective of growing up is; as the oldest, she saw two join the fold and I’ve often wondered how it felt to go from the only child to an older sister. Mom and Dad were learning about kids when she was born, so when I came 4 years later, they were more experienced. By the time Candy came 6 years after that, they were much more relaxed. It is fascinating to realize how growing up with the same two parents can be so different for each child.

Some of the early childhood training seemed to be about being self reliant; don’t ask for help, don’t bother people, do it yourself. In many ways that is a good thing, but I realize now that is how I dealt with RA from my diagnosis – not the best way to do it. But that was my subconscious training, along with not complaining, or at least, not too much.

So many people would tell be I have such a positive attitude about it, plus how I do as many things as I do. My first response is that I didn’t think I had a choice, I had to do something about treatment for RA. As for the positive attitude, they had no idea how depressed, discouraged and crabby I could be only Eddie bore the brunt of that. Maybe I hid behind a positive attitude, after all, I got a lot of positive feedback. People would tell me they admired me and how well I do with RA – now that I think of it, maybe I thought it was the one thing I was successful at doing. Is that why I let it become my identity for so many years?

I have written before how Mom’s dementia has helped me see much more clearly my childhood programs carried into adult life – real gift, though uncomfortable at times. I am finding that gift is continuing as I become more open to seeing the truth rather than my perception of the truth. Maybe that is part of Mom’s purpose in this lifetime.

Tags:Candy, childhood programs, dementia, Ellen, gifts, Life Purpose, Mom, positive attitude, RA
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Go Universe!

February 16, 2014

I have had a weight problem all my life – oops, I just realized I called it a problem and it isn’t. I once read “I am the size I am to hold my magnificence”. That really stopped me in my tracks. Here I have been unhappy with my size and instead, it is a blessing. I am working on knowing it is true and knowing that I know. Then The Universe sent this message:

You have realized, Lee, that your age, experience, skin color, personality, accent, style, saunter, weight, and height, today, are setting you up big-time for the best of your life, while adding considerably to your animal magnetism?

Nothing gets past me,
The Universe

We’re talking world tours, Lee, fan clubs on each continent, and a TV show that follows as you create a fabulous business I am passionate about!

The two major areas I am working on are loving myself and recognizing my Life Purpose. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing my purpose and I don’t know it. I spent the day with my close friend Kathie who is the same age I am. She was a court reporter for many years, then went into hypnotherapy and now is doing some real estate. She is still wondering what her Life Purpose is as well. I know there are a lot of people feeling that way these days; but having company doesn’t quite help me recognize mine.

I have heard the words “find my purpose” a lot, but then others say one creates it. I have been thinking more in terms of recognizing it and creating it – I know I don’t have to know how to do it, just be willing, open and allowing. Maybe I just too impatient for that “Aha” moment of recognition and unfolding. I find myself wondering sometimes “Am I too old?” or “Is it too late?” – ego is working overtime to have me believe it is true. Thanks for sharing, I choose something else.

I have always wanted to create something of my own of value but never felt I had. Then it hit me recently, this blog is my creation. No one else could write it they way I do, nor has anyone lived my life. One thing through my marketing expert friend, you may have the same information as someone else, but no one presents it the way you do. That makes you unique.

I’ve been reading a book by Richard Moss called “Inside Out Healing”. It has been quite interesting and I find it builds on Neal Donald Walsh’s “When Everything Changes, Change Everything”. In that, Neal spends the first half of his book talking about Past Data – all those beliefs and programs that have been built up over your lifetime. They are not true, but they feel real. That had quite an impact on me – I wrote about migraines a while back and continue to use it.

With Richard Moss, he talks about being in the NOW, but in a different way. He shows a manual with the NOW in the middle of a circle, with the Future at the top, the Past at the bottom. To one side is Me and the other side is You.

The idea is that when you are in the present moment, ego diverts you in one of four paths. It may be the market list you need to make, the stupid things you did, a belief that isn’t true, etc. Or it will go to another person and what they did or didn’t do, either to you or about you. Another path is worry about the future or upset or living in the past.

the past week or more I have spent a lot of time at the computer, for work, my blog, Eddie’s Round Up and things he wanted to have typed for exhibits at the Future of Flight. I began to think after the first or second long period at the computer – “Oh s—-! I am going to pay for this either tomorrow or the second day!”. But then I thought “Why do I think that will happen? Just because it has in the past doesn’t necessarily mean it is how it always will be”. I began to realize I had created a belief around that, I can hear myself saying to someone more than once. Yes, it had happened in the past, the belief that when I overdo it, I will pay for it, I have to be careful how much I do.

Then I remembered the Past Data loop I had been running for migraines, this was just another Past Data loop about what happens every time I do something and it hits me the next day or the second day. So I told ego, “that is Past Data and no longer relevant and I am choosing something different. In this fresh new moment, I choose filling this moment with good health and well-being in every part of my body, all Past Data is invalid and irrelevant”. How lovely to find the next morning and the mornings after that I was feeling well free of “payback” shoulder pain.

Now I am working on the cough that has lingered for 2 years, ever since I had the flu in rehab. It takes time and some days I feel a bit discouraged, but on the whole there is progress. now I am thinking in terms of each fresh new moment and what I want to fill it with when I bring myself back to NOW.

Tags:being unique, Ego, Life Purpose, Past Data loop, payback pain, rheumatoid arthritis, Richard Moss, The NOW
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Farewell Old Friends

December 8, 2013

The cherry tree to the right of the garage was always referred to as “the little cherry tree”. It was a pollinator for the two big cherry trees espaliered up against the garage. We always called them Royal Anne cherries – these days they call them Rainier cherries. I can remember going down the side-walk, stop, pull a low branch down and eat them until I was full. We used to get a lot of cherries when I was growing up, the birds always ate the little cherry tree bare before we had a chance to have any.

This is the tree being trimmed and ready to be cut down. I would have had a better picture but I had just gotten out of the shower and couldn’t very well go out in the cold with nothing on but a camera. So I looked through my very dirty bedroom window for a shot, then cleaned a space so it wasn’t quite so dirty. Good by little cherry tree.

A couple of days later, I had a good shot of the corner with the cherry and apple trees gone. A little bare at the moment. You can see in the foreground what is left of the trunk.

Mom and Dad had to cut the big cherry trees because they were pushing the garage over – it had a decided list to the right as I looked at from the street. Shortly after we came to live with Mom, we had the garage fixed and never did have any cherries from the little tree. Now the little cherry tree is gone,; poor love, it was looking so sad and sickly. This round of pruning involved the little cherry tree, the McIntosh apple tree behind it ( poor things had been hidden in the hedge and was at a 90 degree angle looking for sun. We also cut the apple tree in the corner – gorgeous blossoms but not very good eating apples.

We also cut down the two big cherry trees on the north side of the yard – they too were looking sickly and sad, plus we were never able to eat any cherries. Those two were cut down as well. However, I am happy to report they are not gone completely.

This is all that’s left of the two trees – I need to take a picture from the garage to show the view all the way to the front.

I asked John to cut them in slices for me – he had already put the trunks in the truck and was sweet to take them out and cut them up for me. I put some in the bed with the pink dogwood, made it look as if it is a stream. Unfortunately the other two beds just have them around the edge. I would love to find a cool pattern to arrange them in rather than just in a line. I am open to suggestions.

I am pleased with the way the little stream came out – maybe make a little more curve in it.

This is to the left of the other picture – I could see these three slices in the corner.

In the bed by the back porch, I just put them around the edge of the bed, not all that cool. Maybe a swirl or something like that for this one – I am drawing a blank on this.

By the garage it is also just around the edges. Hmmmm,maybe some kind of spiral or sunburst? Fortunately I don’t have to come up with something right now this moment.

Now we don’t have the other bush that seemed to take over the front door and the window. the one on the other side went when we had to have a tunnel flue replaced. Not sure what will go in there, but it will be something small and low maintenance.

We have our view back – at least as much as we can cut. I told John to go as far down the hill as could and cut as low as possible.

Speaking of the view, it was so foggy all day on thanksgiving that I didn’t know if it would ever clear up. Then I noticed some sun and then it cleared for us, but not for people below us.

This is one of those times when it looks as if we are all alone on a mountain top and between us and the other side is whipped cream.

This always fascinates me when it happens. Thanksgiving turned into a lovely late afternoon sunset and whipped cream.

And some where in between the whipped cream and the pruning, we had one of these:

Certainly can’t beat that!

Tags:apple tree, Cherry, espaliered, Fruit, McIntosh, Mom and Dad, Rainier cherry, Tree
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Bon Voyage Debye!

December 1, 2013

Yes, it says Bittersweet – Brandy bought it from those owners. No proper picture with her sign, may have to take one myself to make it accurate.

Gives you an idea of the inside. Both side walls are brick – a very old building. Now you know where I go every Wednesday morning.

Debye and Sal are on their way to San Diego area for who knows how long.

Wednesday at Breakfast Club was Debye’s last day – she and Sal will be leaving to move her to around Carlsbad – near San Diego. That means we don’t have a massage therapist in the club, though she is working to have Michelle come and join us. Michelle is Debye’s massage therapist. I know Michelle from the Holistic Chamber networking group not too long after I moved here. We met at her Whole Life Center; she and I talked about some promotional things, but nothing came of it because she had such an upheaval in her life for quite a while.

It is hard to say goodbye, Debye is a close friend, partner, teacher and mentor for me. What is so cool is that she learned a lot from me. This morning’s meeting was about what we are thankful for and it was wonderful to hear how much this club means to all of us. It is not the usual networking group, so new people either think it’s great or are a bit put off by us. We have a lot of fun, laugh and there isn’t that push to get people to buy that I have often found in other networking groups. We have a structure but not the “have to’s” that so many have – we like to get to know each other first.

I saw Debye on Monday after seeing Dr. Cheryl. I had time between appointments to buy Debye some lovely roses. What do you get for the woman who is packing up her life in her van? They are leaving Sunday, so there is time to enjoy them while they last.

Instead of a massage, she and Sal worked with his lasers, they apparently were using four at a time and really worked all over me. I didn’t feel much – at first it was like a small pinching pain on my upper thigh, otherwise I didn’t feel anything. I was very relaxed and allowed my mind to quiet and concentrate on the breaths between. Sal is also a medical intuitive, so her checked me over and had a couple of things to tell me. I was a bit woozy when I got up from the table – not unusual – and was given water and told to drink a lot when I came home.

I was a bit uncomfortable that night and woke up feeling rather stiff and uncomfortable in the morning. A hot shower helped and I was better by the time I left to go visit Mom. This morning I was doing pretty well – I realized I felt lighter. With 43 years of RA, it probably will take a while to work through it.

This morning, instead of the usual 5 minute and 15 minute speakers, it was suggested we spend the time talking about what we are thankful for – seemed to cover mostly the group and how much it means to all of us.

Debye asked to go first because she had things she wanted to say to the group. She thanked everyone in the club and handed out Pyrite or Fool’s Gold. It has some very interesting properties, so I want to check them out online. She also had a gift for 3 people, Judith and myself because we saw her nearly every week since Debye joined the club. She gave us Selenite, mine looks like flowers, Judith had one that had long, slender clear crystals. The third was for Dr. Cheryl – Debye had space in her office and they have referred clients to each other.

I decided to just copy Carri’s minutes on what we were thankful for – it’s a shortened version but you will no doubt get the gist of it.

Judith B-Thanks Nick for fixing gutters. Thanks GRATEFUL FOR: Debye for your care.

Vickie B-Ditto, Ditto!

Dr.Cheryl B-Thankful for everyone. Blessings in life on planet.

Carol B-Thanks for personal growth. Was so scared she sat entire time for first talk.

Dick D-Met Pat and invited to Breakfast Club. Exciting time-offered services and used referrals.

Brandy D-Had hard pregnancy. He never stopped moving. Thanks for using Down Home Catering.

Dave G-Thanks, Julia.

Lee K-Considers all of us her friend. It’s hard to ask for help. We have given her confidence. When she broke hip,received cards, emails, flowers and rides. Thanks!

Barrie L-Thanks to Pat for helping with Jon’s last accident. Thanks to Judith for helping son. Moving from 35 year home to retirement home.

Julia L-Thanks for being member.

Carri M-She is Thankful, Grateful and Blessed. Grateful to live in the Northwest and see Mt Rainier. Thankful for technology that found breast cancer when so small. Surgery scheduled for 1/17. Asked for positive thoughts and prayers.

Pat M-Appreciates everyone!

Al O-Thanks to the entire club. Was part of initial information 20 years ago in April. One constant has been the club’s support of his career.

Debye P-This is her last meeting. Handed out “fools gold” as a token to remember her by. Rocks can boost vitality. Helps you conquer anything.

Darrell S-Wife wants him out of house. John W gave him turkey feathers for fly fishing. 3 gifts_Judith, Lee and Dr Berry.

Randy S-Thanks to group-you are all friends.
John VZ-Thanks for being among you, He see’s beauty.He has something to offer, like all of us.

I thought I would be very drippy saying goodbye to Debye and thanking everyone for all they have done and been for me. Maybe I just shut my mouth before it got to that point.

Tags:Breakfast Club, California, Debye, goodbyes, group, Health, Massage, medical intuitive, Michelle, San Diego, thankfulness
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Indecision Is The Pits!

November 17, 2013

Last month was a year since Mom moved to the adult family home. I certainly have noticed a big change in her, her ice very good appetite now comes and goes, she thought I was my sister Candy when I saw her Friday and the time before she looked as if she didn’t know who I was. It doesn’t upset me the way it did in the beginning, I am getting much better at not taking it personally because it is part of the dementia.

I have been going back and forth for that year trying to decide about selling my parents furniture and putting our furniture from downstairs up here. The rooms all need painting, but not having furniture or very much will make it easier to paint. I’ve been trying to understand what has kept me from doing it.

My older sister Ellen is very supportive of the idea:

I surely understand why you would want to sell the furniture; you want your own house, as you wanted your own kitchen. I think it’s fine to sell it; Mom isn’t really “here” in the sense that she’ll ever go back to her furniture, any more than she will want her stove. Will it in any way benefit her for you to keep it when you need to get out from under? I don’t see that it will. I have no objection to letting it all go to new homes, where it will be useful and appreciated. Live your life now.

I talked to my sister Candy about it too.:

There are quite a few things she wants and has been making a list. she also understands our need to have our home again after 11 years camping out – the last year has been limbo for us.

My longtime friend Charlotte gave me things to think about – some echoing what I have been thinking:

I can tell you why: your mom is still alive, and even though you Know she won’t ever be able to come home again, somewhere deep inside you keep thinking maybe there’s the tiniest chance, and if she did come home and see her stuff gone, she’d be So Mad!!! That’s what kept dad and me from getting rid of mom’s clothes after she went into the care home, and was just wearing those snap-back dresses or, later, hospital gowns. Dad said to me one time, we really should do something with mom’s clothes, and I said, yes, but I keep thinking, if she should snap out of this and come home, think how mad she’d be to find all her stuff missing!! We chuckled about it, and just left it there. After he died and we were getting rid of things, of course, we did get rid of mom’s clothes. But I think it’s quite normal to feel some hesitation about getting rid of her furniture and things. Maybe you could start with just some small pieces, or even put them out of sight somewhere, so you get used to them not being in the usual spots.

A good friend Rhonda gave me some interesting advice – she is a declutterer and organizing expert: This is part of what I wrote her and her answer:

I don’t know what is holding me back from calling Brigh and tell him I’m ready for him to take the pieces for his shop. I don’t know what it takes for me to give myself permission to do it. I think part may be being afraid of “getting it wrong”; of selling something and later wishing I hadn’t.

The main thing to know right now is that you need to HONOR some of your mom’s things, HONOR some of what your younger sis wants, but also to remember that you are NOT the next storage unit! You and hubby need to be thinking of a deadline for her to come up with the money to have things shipped to her, come get them or help you and hubby bring them to her. Those are the options, clear and simple. You two have already gone WAY overboard in taking care of your mum all these years and it’s high time you started taking care of yourselves – and allow yourself the permission to do so, darlin’!

We talked on the phone later and it really helped to understand what was going on – she had just gone through it with her mother-in-law. She and her husband had to clear everything out in a weekend and her husband felt her would just put the furniture on the lawn for anyone to take.

Some of it for me is wanting to be sure I don’t “get it wrong” or 5 years later wish I hadn’t sold something. I almost felt as if I was pushing Mom out and doing things behind her back – yet, she really isn’t in this world and I don’t want to upset her. Now I realize she doesn’t remember as much as she did, she don’t always know what day it is or where she is.

I realize that Candy and I have more emotion attached to the things than Ellen – she is much more objective and that helps me so much. I heard something on the radio this week that helped as well – keeping everything you have over your lifetime keeps you in who you were. I see now also that being with all the furniture from my childhood keeps me in who I was and having our furniture is who I am . Though in some ways, that furniture is also who I was. It will be interesting to see how it feels after 11 years.

I was frustrated by a woman who was to come and photograph things so she could help me value things for sale. It took forever for her to come and then didn’t hear from her. So I found someone else and sold some things but it was not encouraging. I feel in my naiveté I may have been taken a little. I realized when Jo came back and we worked tougher photographing things in the hall closet, I felt comfortable and at ease with her.

She sells on-line and while she was here, called someone she knows about the things we did and the woman was ready to come over and shop. Jo said she will have the values by next week – we’ll see how this works. It turns out she was very upset to find her camera card didn’t have any pictures on it and she was really upset – must be why I never heard from her.

I said all she had to do was call me, I wouldn’t have been angry – it is not known=ing that irritated me. I told her the story of my Dad who worked with a Wilmington, CA, boat builder in the 30’s – the guy used to be a rum runner. It was on the water and one day Dad dropped a tool in the water – he didn’t want to tell Dick but knew he had to tell him. So he went to Dick and told him how sorry he was that he had dropped a tool in the water. Dick told he” Thanks so much for telling, the guys usually don’t tell me!”. It was definitely not the answer he was expecting from Dick.

As Jo and I were working, I realized I was not comfortable with Brigh – probably the reason I was reluctant to call him and have him take the things on consignment to his shop.

I also had talked about it at the Caregivers Support Group – they were so helpful and reassuring as my sisters and friends. I’ll see what happens next.

I am beginning to think I have begun to give myself persuasion to do this.

Tags:"getting it wrong", attached emotions, Ellen, Family, Furniture, Mother, permission, regrets, selling
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