Gift of RA

I have been a big fan of Louise Hay for several years – ever since I found her book “You Can Heal Your Life”.  I checked it out of the library 4 or 5 times, then I knew this was a book I wanted to own.  When Christmas came around and my husband asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I had the answer ready.  One of the things that has stuck in my mind for a long time is when she talks about everything is a thought and a thought can be changed.  I read Eckart Tolle ‘s “The Power of Now” and began to understand that all we have is right this moment.  What we think and feel in this moment creates the next moment – looks as though I have been operating on such negative thoughts for so long, I am now at this point of uncomfortable RA.  So now it makes me stop and examine how I see myself, and have for 63 years – not a pretty sight.  I have always been overweight – fluffy or Reubenesque – and got teased about it all during school.  Not conducive to thinking well of myself and I realize I have carried it all through my life.  I have looked at what I can’t do, what hurts, what feels not possible – now I see that looking at all that I can do would have been so much more productive.  But society and “somebody else’s training” only focus on whether or not one “fits the mold” and when you don’t, there is something wrong with you.

What would happen if I started changing my view and focus to what I can do?  Hmmmm, a foreign thought that is now taking hold more and more.  I have changed my thinking a lot since my 3 Ike Pono weekends and now see  myself in a more positive light.  I am less likely to think I am responsible for the world and everyone’s happiness – I care but not so much because it is a choice to see the world in a particular way.  I know my body has some problems, but instead of focusing on my joints, tendons, muscles and ligaments that are stiff and not very flexible, look all the parts that are working very well.  I am so grateful to have my respiratory system working well so I can breathe, my digestive system works so I can put food in my body to keep it functioning, my urinary tract, my elimination systems, my blood flows really well every where in my body, my organs are doing well – I could be in a lot worse shape.  I am so grateful that after 39 years of this condition, I am still moving under my own power and I have all my factory installed parts.  I have had very little surgery and although I have deformities in my hands, feet, knees and other places, everything is still functioning well.

Instead of focusing on what I can’t do – like run,  do extreme yoga, not much energy or flexibility, etc., I can look at how well I can smell, taste, feel, hear, and see.  I would miss not being able to hear the sound of water falling, Puccini arias and the wonderful classical music; hearing my husband tell me he loves me, my clients tell me how great the order came out or listening to a cat purr.  Yes, I do love food and it tastes wonderful – no doubt a big reason it is hard to lose the extra weight.  I enjoy the smell of a bakery, of the lilacs, jasmine, salty air at the ocean and a newly mown lawn.  There is nothing like the soft fur of a cat, the feel of my husband when I hug him, the rain on my face and the warmth of covers on a cold night.  Nothing is more beautiful than a gorgeous sunrise and sunset – God brings out his paintbox and paints the sky in fabulous colors, or the lights of the city and watching the ocean waves crash onto the shore.  I would be lost if I couldn’t read or write – two great pleasures in my life.

I am married to a wonderful man, though at times he irritates me and I want to throw him out the window – no doubt he has times when he feels that way about me.  But for 41 years I have had the love of this terrific guy and I have loved him with all my heart.  There have been rough times, good times, unusual times and because of him, I have traveled to places I have always wanted to see and experienced so much.  I have gotten quite an education on Armenians, I had never heard of one before I met him.  I realize I don’t tell him often enough how much I appreciate him and all he has done for me.  We had been married a year and a half when I was diagnosed and he has stayed with me through it all.  Other men might have left, but my other half has continued to love me  and be with me even when it was a difficult life for both of us.  It has been a partnership and whenever he was promoted or went to a new company, I packed up the house and my life and started anew for the next adventure because I wanted to support him.  He has given my life richness and expanded my world more than I could have imagined.

So now it is long past due to concentrate on all the wonderful parts of my life and no longer allow ego to take control so she only focuses on the negative.  Yes, it is only a thought and thank goodness a thought can be changed.  I choose to change each negative thought that pops up into a positive one.