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Happy 93rd Birthday!

September 25, 2011

No, it isn’t mine, it is my Mom, who turned 93 yesterday. My two sisters came on Friday to spend a few days with us and celebrate Mom’s birthday. Mom has seen many things in her lifetime, married my Dad right after Pearl harbor, traveled with Dad while he was a field service rep for North American Aircraft during the war and waited out each time his number came up for the military. Thank goodness they decided he was more valuable where he was! She and Dad raised three daughters, partnered in a business doing standard line and custom products for boats- when Dad died 11 years ago, she continued to run the business for another 6 or 7 years. She came to the point of deciding she didn’t want to be”a captain of industry” any longer and closed it. She started volunteering at Traveler’s Aid at Seatac Airport in the mid-60’s until they disbanded it 34 years later. She also started rug hooking about the same time and only when Macular Degeneration came did she have to reluctantly stop hooking. It was always fun to talk about my mother the hooker.

For a visit that really hasn’t had a plan, we certainly have been busy. The past week felt as if there were so many things to deal with to get ready, plus at long last the boat has gone to a good home. My parents bought an 18″ Mukilteo hull back in the early 60’s for family outings. I don’t remember too many outings, seemed so many glitches that a lot of the fun went out of boating. I remember the first time we were going out with a picnic lunch – Mom had made fired chicken and potato salad. We ended up having our picnic on the lawn in the backyard because Dad was having trouble with the lights on the trailer. The next time we did put it in the water, but then we found the water rough and had to keep bailing. Wooden boats need to be wet to keep the swell in the wood to make it watertight. Then, when it came time to put the boat back on the trailer, we couldn’t get the trailer down to slide the boat on. Dad kept backing the car closer to the water but the trailer kept floating. It finally dawned on us that not only was there air in the tires, but the trailer was wood. Somehow we managed to get it back on – let’s face it, three little girls were not much help and Mom was helping Dad and keeping an eye on us.

Later Dad put fiberglass cloth and resin on the boat – I remember helping him and painted his hand with resin. We looked at each and laughed. My brother-in-law used the boat to fish for awhile, then it spent the last years upside down in the back corner of the yard. I finally called the Center for Wooden Boats and they were quite interested because it is a Mukilteo hull – turns out it was built in 1936 and instead of ruining the boat, the fiberglass saved it. It need a lot of work but there is also a marine school that is looking for a Mukilteo to make a pattern to use in teaching the kids how to build the boat. Maybe even a student project to restore the boat – who knows.

Friday my older sister arrived in the morning and in the evening my younger sister arrived. We had dinner and by then most of us were ready for bed. Yesterday ended up rather busy, some shopping in the morning, lunch and then baking a birthday cake – gluten free so I could eat it – then John and Luzma from next door came by to sih Mom a Happy Birthday. They stayed for awhile and we had a good time. Then Eddie grilled a wonderful steak for dinner, then birthday cake and gifts afterwards. Eddie went to bed early because he is working the next 3 days on the delivery of the first 787 at the Future of Flight – he is having the time of his life. I think he gets a bit overwhelmed at times with the Paull women all together.

I suspect the next couple of days will be a little quieter, one never knows. Then both Ellen and Candy will leave and life will go back to normal – whatever that is. From what little Mom has said, I think she is glad to have us here, she may be a bit on overwhelm at times. Mom and Dad gave us a wonderfully loving foundation growing up and gave us the gift of integrity, honestly and discipline – from my point of view they always made us feel loved and wanted. They have always been there to share our triumphs, good news and support us when things were tough or we just needed some reassurance or advice. Quite an accomplishment!

Happy 93rd Birthday Mom!

Tags:Birthday cake, Boat, Center for Wooden Boats, Family, Mom and Dad
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Baby Steps

September 19, 2011

It has been an enlightening week, some not so comfortable but also a lot of encouragement. Since I had the very direct message about being ambivalent about having RA, it has been simmering on the back burner. I had a picture in my mind of a large square with a teal green background; it was divided into 2 halves. On the right side were all the pros and cons, advantages and disadvantages of having RA. Yes, there are advantages, benefits and payoffs as well as the crappy stuff. On the left side was pros & cons, advantages and disadvantages of not having it. I found myself concentrating on the left side, with all the advantages and all the possibilities. I am now at a point where the print on the right side is fading, while the left side is being filled to overflowing with positive words and phrases.

On of the big items on the right side is Identity – I realize I have spent the last almost 41 years thinking RA is my identity rather than simply one part of me. I have had a lot of confusion trying to understand what my identity is – most often it is associated with what one does for a living. Well, I didn’t have a profession, so RA was my substitute. Now a big item on my left side is Identity, except I realize it means who I truly am. I have come to understand that there are many parts to my identity, so emphasizing only one aspect seems counterproductive. Without RA I can concentrate on other things and not obsess about it with a capital “I”.

The other interesting thing was on Sunday, I spent a lot of time on the computer on a possible new project and was tired at the end of it. My first thought was how sore and uncomfortable my shoulder and neck were going to be the next day. Then it hit me, does it have to be that way? Is it only a learned assumption from the past months that I have to be in pain the next day? I had to think about that for a bit. I decided the answer is no, I don’t have to be in pain. Now I did put arnica gel on the places that usually are sore and did some massage while breathing through the pain before I went to bed. How amazing to find the next morning I was doing rather well. I have been doing pretty well this week, some bit and pieces of pain here and there but not the constant , miserable pain I have had for so long. I realized I was choosing good health and well being rather than choosing RA and pain.

Another interesting discovery, I received some encouragement and validation that my angels, guides, spirits and master teachers are hearing me and helping. I have been doing a conference call every Saturday with a small group of amazing women and last time Juanita posed a question. If you were a seed, where would want to be planted and what would you like to be? As usual I knew it needed to simmer on the back burner as well as asking my angels for some help and guidance. They have come through for me when I need an idea for something and I have had this knowing that they are there waiting to help me. So after the call I asked them all to help me to know what seed I would be. Now I was thinking literally and someone once called me a lotus – but that didn’t feel right. So I just let it go and had other things to keep me involved. As I was coming back from my massage I remembered about the seed, it was Friday and the call is on Saturday. I was driving along with the windows open on a lovely sunny day, then it came to me – seed of Discovery. I would be planted in the heart of one who is ready for it and I would bloom into understanding. Then came a tug of war with ego – she kept saying I was being presumptuous and full of it while my positive mind said it was from the angels. I decided it was from the angels, I have spent too much time listening to ego, so I told her “Thank You for sharing, I know you want to protect me but I’m not boarding that bus!”. Debye was all smiles when I told her about it, she said they had asked her to ask me and they were all excited I “got it”.

I am so encouraged that I really do have intuition and it is becoming a little stronger each day. Part of it is clearing out a lot of the stuffed down feelings from all these years, now there is beginning to be room for intuition to bloom.

Tags:Angel, Debye, Health, pain
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Mixed Messages

September 11, 2011

I will admit to having a rather crappy week after my realization on Sunday about Mom – now that I am willing to be aware (awareness sucks sometimes) I realize how often she would just ask me a question without using my name. It has been more obvious when she struggles with whether I am her daughter or her sister. When I went for my massage on Friday, I was able to release a lot of the feelings I didn’t want to acknowledge, much less know about. It also brought out something else – I know it has been going around in my head for a long time but until then I didn’t really want to put it into words. However, this time it was not hard and I was ready to admit it.

While Debye was working on me she said the spirits, guides and master teachers told her I am giving them mixed messages about RA. On the one hand I want to have it healed but on the other I seem to want to keep it. How can the Universe work with me when I am ambivalent? It must be frustrating – or does the Universe get frustrated? I have known without giving it voice that RA has been my identity for 40 years, so is the idea of knowing my true identity that scary that I will continue with this one? I had to look at both to see what I truly want.

To continue with RA is to hide from the world and having to get a job. It is receiving praise and admiration – “I don’t know how you do everything you do while having RA”; “You are my inspiration”; “You are my hero”. It is telling people I have it so they won’t expect much from me, then surprise them with how much I can do so well. It is not having to compete, hiding behind RA. It is also pain, little flexibility, meds, fatigue, medical costs, effects of meds on my body, low self esteem, not much flexibility, feeling powerless, dependent and helpless. Is it worth the positive feedback I receive from having it? It is very uncomfortable a lot of the time, but familiar. Plus, can I be of help if I don’t have it any more? Is that a requirement, that without RA, do I have credibility?

On te other side, it is a bit scary to know another identity – my true identity – than the one I have as someone with RA. It’s new territory, instead of seeing it as scary (that scared feeling is the same as feeling excitement), why not think of it as an adventure and something to be excited about? What else is there without RA? Flexibility, energy, no pain, ability to do many things without painful consequences a day or two later; enthusiasm and vitality; joints and muscles that work properly, no meds and feeling free. I feel there is something coming, don’t know what it is or how it will look, only that is is cool and fun and I can be myself. So what would I like to do? I have thought about that so a long time and usually the answer has always been “I don’t know”. Suppose I think more about the elements and the feelings about it.

How will it feel? There is energy, flexibility, sleep well, no meds, joy, exuberance, enthusiasm, excitement, more in touch with my intuition and energy center, truly loving myself exactly the way I am, being in tune with Spirit, my angels, guides and master teachers because it all comes from them – I just show up and get out of the way. Being open, receptive, unlimited, allowing, and playing big (playing small so others feel secure just doesn’t work!) knowing whatever comes is something I can do.

It calls and fills my heart and soul, I am myself talking about what I have learned and the experiences I have had. I want to write a book, possibly several books. I want to help others, not as someone who has all the answers but who is just like them. I would like to do presentations, seminar and workshops to groups, be a speaker and travel. I would like a radio show that helps others in a wider area, with guests who I know do great work and help them expand as well. I want to be a healer in a holistic practice.

I do know there are things the ego part of me wants to know – what exactly is it, how do I do it, where does the money come from, etc. Plus those snarky thoughts of “Who do you think you are? What makes you think you can do this?”, “Yeah sure, in your dreams!”. She wants to protect me and I thank her for that, but I want to see where it leads, this or something better, rather than allow her to continue to control my life and make me afraid to step out and take risks and see what is out there for me.

Right now I feel it is preparation time, to clear out all the negative energy and stuffed feelings and emotions from the past , to create the space for new, positive and loving things to come in and multiply. It is often uncomfortable and sometimes I don’t want to deal with it because of the pain and emotion – then again, isn’t that why they are all stuffed in my body? I didn’t want to deal with it at the time. Thankfully I don’t have deal with it alone, I have wonderful partners to help me through the process – even kick my butt with love when necessary. It is easy to fall into feeling sorry for myself because of all of it (I have done victim very well these many years), so having objective and loving partners to keep me falling into that mode is such a great help. I feel more ready to face it and deal with now.

Tags:Flexibility, Health, pain, Self-esteem
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A Liberating Experience

August 28, 2011

A good friend and marketing expert Marty Marsh talks a lot about being authentic, especially with internet marketing. He has noticed there are people who don’t put a picture of themselves, their contact information and such on their websites – almost as if they are hiding from their prospects. Marty feels it is important to let people know who you are – how else will they know, like and trust you and want to do business with you? He sent an email describing it as a bold and scary project:

A member of my soul proprietor community and a friend, Jini Cicero, turned me on to a project being done by a woman named Amber Naslund, and Jini thought it would be a great project to emulate with my own soul proprietor community. And I agreed.

I’m calling it the “What you probably don’t know about me… but that I wish you did” project.

We all put a business persona out there and rarely do any of us get even a glimpse of who somebody really is. This project is for you to share the real you. The real person that only you may know.

Marty sent us a link to his and although he was concerned what people might think about him once they knew some of these things, he was intrigued to do it. I started thinking about it and then found myself making a list. I wrote it and kept thinking of things I wanted to add – except it was getting a bit long by then. If you would like to read what some of the people wrote, it is at his Soul Proprietor Blog. I was hesitant to put myself out there, yet that is what I have been doing on this blog for almost 2 years. So if you would like to know a little more about me, you can find my entry about 3 or 4 entries down. I suspect you have figured out a lot about me from this blog, so it may not be all that surprising.

I was tired when I finished and sent it to Marty. But then a while later there was a feeling of liberation, almost of relief in a way. I realized it was an enjoyable experience, the only struggle was in deciding what to put in, sometimes how to phrase it , did I sound as if I was putting myself down and getting tired when I was not ready to stop writing. I loved how it felt and I realized that is how I want my work, my purpose in life to feel. It flowed with ease and I didn’t have to think about what people would say, that I didn’t have to compete to “win” a client or a project. I was just being me and it was a lot of fun. I don’t think I put myself down, a lot of things I wrote about in my early years and school now have a different perspective – a more positive one.

I started another list and have been adding to it – I decided to write a second one for myself. Now it is getting my shoulders and neck to behave long enough to write it. I wrote it the week before last, a really good week for me. I had some energy and interest in what I do as well as feeling rather good. This last week has been uncomfortable – a bit of a downer after a good week. not sure why, but it is what it is. I had my deep tissue massage on Friday and more stuffed feeling came out – I felt something was ready to come but wasn’t sure what. She has been working on my knees the last two weeks – this week I can bend my left knee a little when I walk instead of only with a straight leg. My right knee goes at a 90 degree angle now – amazing!

Debye talked about helping the knee remember how it was designed to move and what is so wonderful and amazing is that now, at the 2nd day, I am still doing very well. Before when I did it on my own, the middle of the knee in front hurt like crazy – she did it in a way that I haven’t hurt as a result of moving in a different way. I have to consciously remember to bed the knee, it has been many years since I have been able to do it. She invites her angels, spirits, guides and master teachers as well as mine to come and be part of the massage – she says they tell her what to work on and how. I believe her and trust all them to know what is for my highest good. Now to some that may sound woo woo or goof ball or spooky, but I am learning so much from the holistic practitioners I know that it doesn’t seem spooky at all. There were two messages they wanted her to give me – one is to love myself, the second is that I must choose to heal myself and really want it.

I feel a lot has come all at once and I am still processing it – I am much more ready to hear it and not try to deflect or justify things. I am more open and and receptive to unlimited possibilities as well as what I have to work on inside me. All of it has come as a result of unconditional love of those around me and my readiness to love myself.

Tags:experience, liberation, self realization
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Small Things Make The Difference

August 21, 2011

I remember when I was in commercial art school (now graphics) in the mid ’60’s, I realized it is often a small thing that makes a huge difference. This was when they did mechanicals on illustration board, pen and ink and acetate overlays for the offset printer. If you were working on a brochure, you made a rough comp or mock up for the client to give them an idea how it would look. For text we used a chisel pencil with short and long lines to depict words – I suddenly realized why the instructor’s text mock up looked so much better. He used just a regular pencil line but put dots between lines, that small change made such a difference.

I have noticed this situation in so many areas of my life. It isn’t a big complicated thing or process that takes something from ordinary to amazing, it is a small adjustment. Sometimes it is something simple, though not always easy. One I am working on right now is not to take things personally with my Mom as she deals with macular degeneration and dementia. At first it really hurt that she didn’t know who I was at times, now I am doing a lot better with it becauseI am not taking it so personally. It still stings but I am learning it is not about me. So many things in life I thought were all about me really aren’t. It has taken me 64 years to come to this point – imagine how things would have been had I known this many, many years ago. Which brings up something else, I wasn’t ready to hear it before.

I watched Oprah on her Year 25 show when she had Iyanla Van Zant on after quite a few years of a disagreement. What I found amazing was that she told Oprah that when a show was offered to her, she wasn’t ready to receive it. There were all kinds of things happening at the time and there were hard feelings on both sides. With Iyanla finding understanding that, they both were able to come together as good friends. Sometimes at certain points, we aren’t ready for something and now I realize I don’t have to beat myself up when something doesn’t happen when and the way I want.

In Oprah’s Master Class, she talked about “The Color Purple” and how intensely she wanted to be in the movie. When it seemed it wasn’t going to happen, she had to let it go and accept they weren’t going to choose her for the part of Sophia. It certainly was’t easy for her, but what I found so valuable was her definition of acceptance. I have been trying to understand it for years and looked in dictionaries, encyclopedias – everything I could think to check. None were really satisfactory until I heard Oprah say “Acceptance is having no emotion attached to it” ( paraphrased). She helped me to understand that letting go really means letting go of the emotional attachment to it. I am now much more willing to ask God for something, that this would be really cool. Now I can say what I want and then tell God “This or something better, whatever works for my highest good.” I don’t always know what’s in the works and by being very specific, I limit myself. It is as if I am on the street level of the Columbia Tower and God is there on the top floor with that magnificent 360 degree view of things – who has a better knowledge of what is happening all around? Certainly isn’t me!

One of the things I have learned lately from my massage therapist is how much I have stuffed my feelings all my life – it’s all in my body and definitely not benefiting me. I am learning to speak my truth – exactly what I am feeling without worrying about other people – when I am by myself. Saying it out loud – driving on the highway with the windows open is really great because I can yell and scream and no one notices. Then to feel the feelings – something I don’t like to do because it hurts and I don’t want to feel the pain. I had a picture in my mind a while back of a figure filled with black, then as I felt the feeling and then let them go, I could see the black draining away through my feet into Mother Earth. There was a bright iridescent light coming down from above and into the top of my head, filling all the spaces left when the black crap left. Made a big difference!

Youtube has been quite a revelation. I found sound healing videos – especially Amethyst Singing Bowl, it helped me sleep when my legs hurt at night. I can now play the songs I love from different artists and recently I have found the complete operas for Turandot and La Boheme. To me, Puccini wrote music so beautiful it hurts. Plus I can play the Al Bowlly with Ray Noble Orchestra for my Mom as well as Bing Crosby – two of her favorites. I enjoy the music and I am glad I can do something to give her enjoyment.

It doesn’t always take money and a complicated procedure to make a difference. Sometimes simple works so much better.

Tags:God, Master Class, Oprah Winfrey Show
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Feeling more human

August 14, 2011

Thanks to Debye Peters and her wonderful deep tissue massages I am much more comfortable in my shoulders -so much in stuffed feelings and balderdash has been expelled. Now we are working on the hips – then maybe I can finally sleep comfortably. I went through that awhile ago and thought I had it finished – news flash! Here we go again. However, this time I have help understanding what is going on inside my body – that makes such a difference.

I don’t particularly want to write about how I am feeling, I’m tired of it and I want to keep my promise of no whingeing. I remember when I first volunteered with the Connecticut Chapter of the Arthritis Foundation, I was helping to form a support group. That was fine for awhile but I found it was focused too much on how I was feeling – I could do that all by myself. If I was having a bad time, it was good to be with other people who understood, but I realized I wanted to do more. Fortunately the staff there liked how I worked and I was asked to be the Speaker’s Bureau Coordinator. So I helped put together a Speaker’s Bureau, did speeches myself and also trained new speakers. I enjoyed this because the focus wasn’t on me, plus I found I could help other people. About the same time I was asked to be an Arthritis Self Help Instructor.

I went through some training for both and I will admit to being very nervous in the beginning. Speaking in front of people had always been an agony for me – at times I wondered “How did I get myself into this?”. Fortunately the Self Help Course started first and it was to a small group of about 10 or 12. Those ladies were so welcoming and kind to me on the first of 6 sessions. There was so much information to cover and I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough time for all of it. I ended up covering in about an hour and half and had to ad lib for another hour or so. I found myself being less and less nervous – I think I told them it was my first class. They were a very appreciative audience and it was a very informal setting, so that helped a lot. AfterwardsI thanked them profusely for their patience and being my first class. A lot of them were oder women who had not really taken care of themselves or realized what arthritis was and how it affected their bodies.

I remember one session, I didn’t want to teach because I was feeling so miserable. But I promised and I couldn’t not show up. What surprised me was that at the end of the class, I felt a lot better. I told them at the end of class that I hadn’t wanted to come and I thanked them so much because I felt so much better because of them. The classes were always filled with wonderful compassionate and delightful women – an occasional guy came but it was mostly women. I always started out my classes saying that the only difference between them and me was I had gone through the training for teaching the class – I still had to deal with RA, pain, problems and all of that, I didn’t have it made. I learned so much myself and I was so glad I could be of help in some way to others dealing with a form of arthritis.

When I did the speeches, I was a bit more comfortable in front of people because of the classes. I had written out my speech so I wouldn’t forget it, then I got to a point where I had a large card with all the points that were important to cover. I will admit my speeches were full of my own stories, so it was a more personal presentation than just the basic fact of arthritis. I think I was often a surprise to them, though I always told the contact person I had RA. I was in my late 30’s at the time and I suppose they expected an older woman with crutches or wheel chair. One of the messages I wanted to put across was that just because I had RA , my life wasn’t over. I would introduce myself as the Speaker’s Bureau Coordinator and then talk about the different things I do – church choir, deacon for awhile, mediator for the BBB, etc. and then the last thing I said was “I have had Rheumatoid Arthritis for over 20 years”. Some people were quite surprised. I remember being at a nursing home and there was one old lady in the front row talking with her friend; in a somewhat loud voice she asked her friend “What does she know about arthritis?”. Was she ever surprised!

Good Heavens! I had no idea this post would end up here. Well, just a bit more information about me, much better than whingeing.

Tags:Arthritis Foundation, Health, pain, rheumatoid arthritis
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More Than a Massage

August 7, 2011

I have been able to use the computer a bit more lately thanks to my massage therapist – unfortunately I still overdo because it feels good to be able to to do it. I have realized that I need to be more organized in what I do online and how long – so hard to limit myself when I have been used to spending as long as I want. Another Life lesson.

I am so grateful to Debye Peters for her massages, explanations and help in dealing with the reasons for having all this difficulty. I saw her on Friday afternoon and this time it was a bit different because we didn’t do the deep tissue massage to get out the kinks in my shoulders. It was quite interesting. We start out with setting an intention for the session – that past few sessions it has been to allow whatever is ready to release to be let go. Then Debye invites any spirits or guides of her and mine to come in and be a part of the session. I found myself relaxing and enjoying the massage this time – I will admit those places that need release do hurt in the beginning and it can be uncomfortable at times. This was more relaxed, though she is very good at finding the spots that hurt – that’s the whole point of the exercise. I was on my stomach for the first part and at one point she took the pillow from under my left knee – it’s the one that doesn’t bend or straighten very well. I was a little concerned but it didn’t have the usual feeling of being snapped and really hurting. Debye stepped back and was amazed at how straight my body was, she has never seen me that straight before. When I was on my back she really noticed the same thing – I was much straighter than I have been in decades.

She said she just listened to her guides and she says they did a lot of cellular level clearing for me. She says when she listens to the guides, amazing things happen – a couple of times she said I was out – sometimes they do that to help with healing. When I stood up, she was still amazed at how straight and tall I was. I had a different feeling, not anything I can put my finger on what I felt was different. I felt capable and strong, things I haven’t always felt. Now the most important part is for me to believe and own it – a part of me is afraid I won’t believe it and go back to the habit of walking bent over again. I also know that what I fear will happen, so I am working on focusing on walking straight and knowing I am healthy, straight and strong.

I will admit that doing this and the other work over the past few years has not been comfortable, butI know it is necessary for me to be the amazing woman I am and to truly know that I know I am. Besides, if it is comfortable, I am not growing and stretching. Some things have been a bit scary and other times I didn’t want to do what was important, but I have gone ahead and done it. I couldn’t have done any of it without support and guidance from so many loving and amazing people who love me and want the very best for me. I want to be able to give back by being there for others, in what way I don’t know. But I feel there is something wonderful coming for me. I have to do this work in order for it to be created and I am much more willing to just let it unfold than I have been in the past. I love the phrase “creating myself” rather than just finding who I am. This past year and a half has been such a revelation, I am now much more able to believe I am amazing and lovable – I am beginning to love myself and not have that snarky voice saying “Yeah, right!”. That has always been ego wanting to keep me in victim mode beating myself up. Sorry ego, not boarding that bus!

I was thinking the other day how much fear I have had about everything all my life, trying to hide from it to feel secure. Not working for me. I thought, what would happen if I didn’t fear the unknown and thinking I’m not capable; since fear hasn’t worked very well, suppose I take fear out of the mix and trust myself, my intuition and all my angels, guides, spirits and beings who are here for my highest good. Right now I feel my job and focus is to continue work on myself and to be here for my Mom. She is 93 and has both macular degeneration and dementia, so she isn’t able to drive or do the things she has always done. My husband and I moved in with her so she can stay at home as long as possible. It is not always easy for any of the tree of us, but I am finding there are gifts in it. I can see things that I didn’t realize, just knew I resented it. I realize that I have been able to resolve a few of them – I working on having less and less baggage as time goes on.

I know more and more I am a healthy, powerful, inspiring woman courageously living my vision now!

Tags:Day spa, Health, Massage
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Encouraging Words

July 17, 2011

It has been an interesting two weeks, especially this last one. My astrology friend said there have been three eclipses in the space of a month, two solar and one lunar. This is very unusual and seems to have stirred things up – plus Friday was the full moon. Another friend said things should ease a little now – not a lot but some. And Mercury is going into retrograde in a couple of weeks – now is a good time to create and put things in motion. Since my knowledge of astrology, the stars and all things celestial is very sketchy, I am not really sure what all this means. I just know it has not been my favorite week.

I was glad to see my massage therapist back, I really needed some help. I am feeling better and also feeling more comfortable and at ease with her so I can release and let go the stuffed feelings I have all packed up in my back and shoulders. Debye is so loving and compassionate, non-judgemental – she keeps telling me she sees who I really am and I am beautiful. Oh does that help! I am very hard on myself and what I have learned is that I set the standard for myself so much higher than for anyone else – I realized I expect myself to be perfect, then beat myself up because I didn’t meet the standard. I have heard that from several people and it is not only hard to hear, but hard to recognize to change it. I am more than good enough and I am working on giving myself a break and loving myself exactly the way I am. The good news is I feel it slowly happening. I am also standing up for myself, beginning to take back my power. How amazing is that!

However, the bright spots in my morning are the message from the Universe and my love letter from Easy World. I came across both of these and have found them very uplifting and even makes me chuckle at times.

I found the notes from the Universe site through another website. It’s called TUT and I signed up for it. Now every morning I have a note that entertains and uplifts me no matter how I am feeling. A couple of examples:

Through the prism of time and space, Lee, the scary stuff always looks scarier than it really is.

But this is offset by the fact that the great stuff is always greater… is frequently on sale, comes in more flavors, and goes with pretty much everything.

Please pass the Grey Poupon,
The Universe

Things are always better than you think, Lee.

WOW! Just checked in on your new very successful business, Lee! Love all the “bells and whistles” you dreamed up! Smokin’ hot!

Apparently, however, there’s some confusion over where the bouncy seat is supposed to go. So I just told them to put it in your world headquarters executive office, in front of the aquarium… beside the hammock… behind the popcorn maker.

OK?

You’re so cute,

The Universe

Your neighbors are going to flip, Lee, but then they probably expect this from you.

I found Julia Rogers Hamrick through my sister Candy and loved her Easy World. I got on her mailing list and later she started sending Love Letters from Spirit – so many times it was exactly what I needed to hear right at that moment. To give you an example or two:

Wondering who you are and why you’re here? I have left clues for you everywhere.. Just look around! And feel around.

Love,

Your Spirit

P.S. You might need to clean your glasses and increase your capacity for joy.

You know that thing you haven’t been able to bring yourself to let go of? Well, frankly, you’re not going to see me or feel me very clearly if you don’t go ahead and drop it. Thankfully, we put a safeguard in place a long time back to be sure I wouldn’t have to share space with stale, yucky “stuff.” So, please, just let it go.

Love,

Your Spirit

P.S. I am standing by…

Relax and let me handle everything. I am totally amazing as an orchestrator of well-being and joy!

Love,

Your Spirit

P.S. This does not mean you will not need to do anything–au contraire! You will need to act on my inspiration (be paying attention), which will be easy, harmonious and joyous! Check them out and see what you think. If you run across any others, please let me know.

Tags:Astrology, Debye, Massage
Posted in Musings | 3 Comments »

Progress – Slowly Forward

July 3, 2011

Things are going better, though I did overdo when I did the last post because it felt good to be able to work on the computer. So I paid for it and now am much more cautious about the computer. Definitely means not much has happened with my business, my journaling, and any of the projects I had been working on – definitely puts a crimp in things. However, it has also made me stop to think about my life and what I want – a time for meditation, re-evaluating and taking care of myself. I haven’t put myself first much, too much early “somebody else’s training” from childhood that said to take care of everyone else and if anything is left over, I can take care of me. A little harder at 64 but I am ready to work on it and perfect it since I know if I am filled up and overflowing, I can give the overflow to others.

My massage therapist is away for 3 weeks, so I have been wondering how I can keep from stuffing the emotions and adding to the junk already stuck in my shoulders. What I have come up with is to just breathe, especially when the stressful situations come. I just think in terms of “Breathe in love, Breathe out negativity” for however long I need to do it and by, George, it seems to work. Also to be grounded and one way is to play in a mud puddle, connecting with Mother Earth. Now it has been a long time since I played in a puddle and at first, I was deciding where I could create one and all that overthinking. I ended up digging in the corner of the small bed under the water faucet – I could turn on the tap and not have to carry water. I had trouble digging the weeds and almost gave up, but I am glad I didn’t It was a beautiful sunny 75 degree day – the first since last September. So I rolled up my pant legs and paddle in my puddle for a bit – hard to stand too long, so I need to get a chair to sit and have fun for longer.

While I was creating my puddle, my Mom asked what I was doing, so I told her and invited her to play with me. She wasn’t quite ready to that. That was fine, I am glad I asked her. When my husband came home, he asked who had been digging in the garden. he thought it was Mom because she is the gardener, but I said “No, not Mom.” So he asked who and I said it was me. Then it was why, so I told him to connect with Mother Earth. Some silence and then “Okay”. I don’t think he was quite sure about the whole thing. Well, that was all right too. Unfortunately we went back into Junuary again and it hasn’t been nice weather until this weekend. We might actually begin to have summer now – we aren’t counting on it since it has been such a weird spring. Right now most of the country is sweltering and we have finally just beginning to stop wearing winter clothes.

After writing this, I am doing fine, but there is in the back of my mind just how much longer should I write and not mess up my shoulder. I am not stressing so much that my business is at a stand still, I feel there is a transition coming and I need this time to let it emerge on its own without forcing it. If someone wants to do a promotion with imprinted items, I will definitely be available to do it.

I wish all of you the best of health and willingness to put yourself first – you deserve it!

Tags:Family, Parents, Self care
Posted in Musings | 4 Comments »

Big Thank You/Huge Apology

June 19, 2011

The past few weeks have been so frustrating because I have not been able to much of anything because of my neck and shoulders. I send you a huge apology for not keeping to my once a week blog writing and a very big Thank You for sticking with me through this time.

This will be a short one because although I am finally doing better, I am not back to my usual ability to do things. I have had so many ideas for this blog, wanted to write in my journal and of course make sure I am able to conduct business as well. Not being able to do any of those things has brought anger, frustration and anything else you can think of in the way of being upset. But there has been a gift in it – not what I expected but something I needed and was ready to hear.

I have had this ice pick in the shoulder blade before, usually with rest and standing with my shoulders back, it has passed. But 4 straight, intense days doing quotes for a client for her board meeting was more than I have ever done in one sitting – not a smart move. I figured it would right itself, especially since I didn’t think anything could be done. NEWS FLASH TO SELF: All you had to do was ask the massage therapist and/or the chiropractor you know and you wouldn’t have had to go through all this balderdash. I did talk to the massage therapist and she knew exactly what was going on – triggers.

So I have had 4 deep tissue massages, deeper than I thought I could do with RA and it also surprised Debye. What I learned is a lot of it is stuffed and suppressed energy and emotions lodged in my shoulders – people carry it in different places in the body. When I went the second time, all of a sudden at one point I was bawling my eyes out – I had finally let some of it out. The third session it didn’t happen but this Wednesday’s session I really let a lot out. I am much better but I know there is a lot more crap to release and expel. Lord only knows what is stored in my knees!

I also finally understand what “Speak Your Truth” actually means. I thought it had to be some profound “Aha” moment, but it isn’t. It is simply saying what I am thinking and feeling – without judgment, no right or wrong, good or bad. As I was coming home, I felt an icepick stab and thought “What is this”? I thought back to that morning when I was getting ready to leave for my networking breakfast group and found my Mom didn’t know who I was. It isn’t the first time, she is 92 and not always with it the way she used to be. But as I was driving along with the windows down – a rare sunny, warm day – I said what I was feeling out loud in the wind, even yelled to express what was going on inside me. Then I realized the icepick was gone. Hmmmm, there is something to this after all.

I am now at a point where I need to quit or I will be in trouble again. I wanted to let you know what is happening and I needed to say it. Thank You for being interested in what I have to say, I am always interested in what you have to say – I have always thought of this as a conversation rather than just me writing what is going on in my life as I deal with RA.

Let’s hope it won’t be quite so long the next time I write.

Tags:Alternative medicine, Health, Humor, Massage
Posted in Musings | 2 Comments »

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A Liberating Experience

Small Things Make The Difference

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