Posts Tagged ‘Self-esteem’

Just Living Her Life

August 11, 2013

I always enjoy Ellen’s photos and one she sent not too long ago made think about my own life.

P1040505The subject line she put for this one is where my title came from for the post.

I seem to have been a loner most of my life, I didn’t feel I fit anywhere.  As an overweight child, I was teased and made fun of during my school and childhood years.  Not conducive to self-esteem and loving myself.  It often felt as if there was something missing me that the other kids had.  Never figured that out.  (No, this is not an oh-poor-me-osis post)  I had to have glasses when I was in the 3rd grade – no one else had them.  Now I see I could have perceived it as something special rather than a detriment.  It is only now in the 50’s and especially my 60’s that I am much more aware about such things.  A lot of changes in this decade of my life.

I had a few friends, but not really the “go over to each other’s houses” kind.  I saw them at school and on the bus ride home.  I remember either going to bus stop in the morning or coming home after school and there were always boys riding bikes.  I noticed they liked to ride straight toward me, I wanted to run but decided to just keep going.  Fortunately they never did hit me and I am pleased that I just kept going – maybe that was no fun for them.

I did a lot of things on my own, not usually by choice, but over the years I have learned to entertain myself.  Came in very handy when I traveled with Eddie on his business trips.  I loved reading, it is still  one of my greatest pleasures; I feel lost if I don’t have a book to read, I tend to have several books going – one in the car, one in the living room and one in the bedroom.  Sometimes I have a pile in each place.  I buy new ones but most of my car books I buy from the library – $0.50 for paperbacks and $1 for hard bounds.  It is always interesting to see what there is, sometimes a favorite author, or book, sometimes new authors or occasionally a book I was looking for quite a long time.

I liked writing but didn’t seem to create a character, mostly letters for quite a while.  I have written journals and for several years after we bought our first computer, I wrote a journal that soon had a list of people to send it.  I would write it on the computer, print it and then xerox it – that was how I learned how to work the computer.  Before that I was typing it on a typewriter.  First I borrowed Ellen’s (our upstairs neighbor) in New Jersey, then I think I bought one when we moved back to Los Angeles.  We didn’t buy the computer until we were in Atlanta.

I joined Newcomer’s clubs whenever we moved to a new place, that’s where I met most of my friends and had a social life.  When I started quilting in Atlanta, that was the one thing I could always take with me where ever I went and I would find friends.  What I mostly noticed was that my friends tended to be older women whose children were grown.  I didn’t have much in common with the younger married women because they either had kids, a job or both.  i had neither, but I had my own limitations with RA, but freedom they didn’t have because Eddie traveled.  They didn’t really understand it – their husbands had 9 to 5 jobs and always came home.

Not too long after I moved here, I had a session with an over lighting metaphysician and she told me I had chosen to do things the hard way and by myself in this lifetime.  I found that interesting and realized that most of my dealing with RA was by myself.  It wasn’t my choice but it seemed to work out that way.  I also realize a lot of that was childhood programming, “Don’t ask for help, don’t bother other people, don’t bother them”.  Now I realize I was operating that way all my life and never realized it.  I finally learned to ask for help and it has been such a blessing.  I have friends who are there for me and it doesn’t mean I am weak or telling the world my business when I ask for help.  I can’t do it all by myself, there are things I don’t have the knowledge to do and I need help.  In some ways, it is liberating.

I remember the trip to London on the QE2 and spending a few days in London with the group before they left for Ireland.  We were in someone’s room either before or after dinner and I was talking to one of the women.  She said something about “You are so  damn self-sufficient”.  How odd, since I was feeling outside the group.  A good friend once told me that I am more independent because Eddie traveled and I had to take care of things when he wasn’t around.  I never realized that before – too close to see it.

What my 60’s have brought is now knowing I don’t have to do what other people say, I don’t have to live up to their expectations and most important, my confidence and self-worth come from within rather than from validation and approval  from other people.  I am less concerned about what other people think or their opinions, but I am less judgmental and critical of them; definitely a work in progress.  I am better at seeing the positive in them and more loving towards them.  No one knows what life path they are on and what they are working through this lifetime.

I have always had to do something different, whether is has been a project, a dinner or whatever.  There are often times in the middle of it that I wonder “What was I thinking”. Or say “why didn’t I do that other idea?”.  But I kept on and it usually turned out quite well.  Maybe there is a list in there called “What I know for sure about myself”.  Oprah did that and it might be a smart idea for me to see myself in a different light.

Mixed Messages

September 11, 2011

I will admit to having a rather crappy week after my realization on Sunday about Mom – now that I am willing to be aware (awareness sucks sometimes) I realize how often she would just ask me a question without using my name.  It has been more obvious when she struggles with whether I am her daughter or her sister.  When I went for my massage on Friday, I was able to release a lot of the feelings I didn’t want to acknowledge, much less know about.  It also brought out something else – I know it has been going around in my head for a long time but until then I didn’t really want to put it into words.  However, this time it was not hard and I was ready to admit it.

While Debye was working on me she said the spirits, guides and master teachers told her I am giving them mixed messages about RA.  On the one hand I want to have it healed but on the other I seem to want to keep it.  How can the Universe work with me when I am ambivalent?  It must be frustrating – or does the Universe get frustrated?  I have known without giving it voice that RA has been my identity for 40 years, so is the idea of knowing my true identity that scary that I will continue with this one?  I had to look at both to see what I truly want.

To continue with RA is to hide from the world and having to get a job.  It is receiving praise and admiration  – “I don’t know how you do everything you do while having RA”; “You are my inspiration”; “You are my hero”.  It is telling people I have it so they won’t expect much from me, then surprise them with how much I can do so well.  It is not having to compete, hiding behind RA.  It is also pain, little flexibility, meds, fatigue, medical costs, effects of meds on my body, low self esteem, not much flexibility, feeling powerless, dependent and helpless.  Is it worth the positive feedback I receive from having it?  It is very uncomfortable a lot of the time, but familiar. Plus, can I be of help if I don’t have it any more?  Is that a requirement, that without RA, do I have credibility?

On te other side, it is a bit scary to know another identity – my  true identity – than the one I have as someone with RA.  It’s new territory, instead of seeing it as scary (that scared feeling is the same as feeling excitement), why not think of it as an adventure and something to be excited about?  What else is there without RA?  Flexibility, energy, no pain, ability to do many things without painful consequences a day or two later; enthusiasm and vitality; joints and muscles that work properly, no meds and feeling free.  I feel there is something coming, don’t know what it is or how it will look, only that is is cool and fun and I can be myself.  So what would I like to do?  I have thought about that so a long time and usually the answer has always been “I don’t know”.  Suppose I think more about the elements and the feelings about it.

How will it feel?  There is energy, flexibility, sleep well, no meds, joy, exuberance, enthusiasm, excitement, more in touch with my intuition and energy center, truly loving myself exactly the way I am, being in tune with Spirit, my angels, guides and master teachers because it all comes from them – I just show up and get out of the way.  Being open, receptive, unlimited, allowing, and playing big (playing small so others feel secure just doesn’t work!) knowing whatever comes is something I can do.

It calls and fills my heart and soul, I am myself talking about what I have learned and the experiences I have had.  I want to write a book, possibly several books.  I want to help others, not as someone who has all the answers but who is just like them.  I would like to do presentations, seminar and workshops to groups, be a speaker and travel.  I would like a radio show that helps others in a wider area, with guests who I know do great work and help them expand as well.  I want to be a healer in a holistic practice.

I do know there are things the ego part of me wants to know – what exactly is it, how do I do it, where does the money come from, etc.  Plus those snarky thoughts of “Who do you think you are?  What makes you think you can do this?”, “Yeah sure, in your dreams!”.  She wants to protect me and I thank her for that, but I want to see where it leads, this or something better, rather than allow her to continue to control my life and make me afraid to step out and take risks and see what is out there for me.

Right now I feel it is preparation time, to clear out all the negative energy and stuffed feelings and emotions from the past , to create the space for new, positive and loving things to come in and multiply.  It is often uncomfortable and sometimes I don’t want to deal with it because of the pain and emotion – then again, isn’t that why they are all stuffed in my body?  I didn’t want to deal with it at the time.  Thankfully I don’t have deal with it alone, I have wonderful partners to help me through the process – even kick my butt with love when necessary.  It is easy to fall into feeling sorry for myself because of all of it (I have done victim very well these many years), so having objective and loving partners to keep me falling into that mode is such a great help.  I feel more ready to face it and deal with now.


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