Baby Steps


It has been an enlightening week, some not so comfortable but also a lot of encouragement.  Since I had the very direct message about being ambivalent about having RA, it has been simmering on the back burner.  I had a picture in my mind of a large square with a teal green background; it was divided into 2 halves.  On the right side were all the pros and cons, advantages and disadvantages of having RA.  Yes, there are advantages, benefits and payoffs as well as the crappy stuff.  On the left side was pros & cons, advantages and disadvantages of not having it.  I found myself concentrating on the left side, with all the advantages and all the possibilities.  I am  now at a point where the print on the right side is fading, while the left side is being filled to overflowing with positive words and phrases.

On of the big items on the right side is Identity – I realize I have spent the last almost 41 years thinking RA is my identity rather than simply one part of me.  I have had a lot of confusion trying to understand what my identity is – most often it is associated with what one does for a living.  Well, I didn’t have a profession, so  RA was my substitute.  Now a big item on my left side is Identity, except I realize it means who I truly am.  I have come to understand that there are many parts to my identity, so emphasizing only one aspect seems counterproductive.  Without RA I can concentrate on other things and not obsess  about it with a capital “I”.

The other interesting thing was on Sunday, I spent a lot of time on the computer on a possible new project and was tired at the end of it.  My first thought was how sore and uncomfortable my shoulder and neck were going to be the next day.  Then it hit me, does it have to be that way?  Is it only a learned assumption from the past months that I have to be in pain the next day?  I had to think about that for a bit.  I decided the answer is no, I don’t have to be in pain.  Now I did put arnica gel on the places that usually are sore and did some massage while breathing through the pain before I went to bed.  How amazing to find the next morning I was doing rather well.  I have been doing pretty well this week, some bit and pieces of pain here and there but not the constant , miserable pain I have had for so long.    I realized I was choosing good health and well being rather than choosing RA and pain.

Another interesting discovery, I received some encouragement and validation that my angels, guides, spirits and master teachers are hearing me and helping.  I have been doing a conference call every Saturday with a small group of amazing women and last time Juanita posed a question.  If you were a seed, where would want to be planted and  what would you like to be?  As usual I knew it needed to simmer on the back burner as well as asking my angels for some help and guidance.  They have come through for me when I need an idea for something and I have had this knowing that they are there waiting to help me.  So after the call I asked them all to help me to know what seed I would be.  Now I was thinking literally and someone once called me a lotus – but that didn’t feel right.  So I just let it go and had other things to keep me involved.  As I was coming back from my massage I remembered about the seed, it was Friday and the call is on Saturday.  I was driving along with the windows open on a lovely sunny day, then it came to me – seed of Discovery.  I would be planted in the heart of one who is ready for it and I would bloom into understanding.  Then came a tug of war with ego – she kept saying I was being presumptuous and full of it while my positive mind said it was from the angels.  I decided it was from the angels, I have spent too much time listening to ego, so I told her “Thank You for sharing, I know you want to protect me but I’m not boarding that bus!”.  Debye was all smiles when I told her about it, she said they had asked her to ask me and they were all excited I “got it”.

I am so encouraged  that I really do have intuition and it is becoming a little stronger each day.  Part of it is clearing out a lot of the stuffed down feelings from all these years, now there is beginning to be room for intuition to bloom.

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