Posts Tagged ‘Flexibility’

The Little Ballerina Wannabe

March 13, 2013

degas dancer

 Degas Dancer

She always enjoyed watching the ballerinas in their gathered tulle skirts and elegant toe shoes – they always looked so graceful, supple and had wonderful flexibility.  She wanted to be one of them but always felt she couldn’t because she was an overweight child and her parents didn’t have the money for lessons.  It was that way when she watched the ice skaters, they too were graceful, elegant and could bend into amazing poses.  It has always been that same feeling of wondering what might have been all her life.

Then, when she was in her 60’s, a lifetime away from being able to fulfill her wish, she had cause to re-examine her longing to be a ballerina.  Did she really want to do it, have a love and passion for it? She would have to lose weight to qualify and be able to do all the poses and positions required – not an easy accomplishment.  Was she willing to do the hard work of lessons, practice, extra classes and tryouts for parts? Would she have been willing to dedicate her life to working hard, foregoing many of life’s pleasures to maintain her strength, endurance and flexibility?

The more she thought about it, she realized it was the grace, elegance and flexibility the ballerinas had, everything she felt she didn’t have.  The idea of a slender, supple body was appealing as well as being able to do the lifts and jumps in ballets like “Swan Lake” and “Coppelia”.  But over the years she had seen what dancing had done to a ballerina’s feet, put into positions the human foot was never meant to hold.

It was as if she was looking down at her feet, clad in beautiful ballet slippers and a long full tulle skirt – what did she see in her mind’s eye?  She realized how confining a ballerina’s life is, everything is geared to her dancing, always taking such care to ensure she can dance as long as possible.  And what would she do after she could no longer dance?  Would she be relegated to teaching the new and budding ballerinas, wishing she was still able to be the lead dancer and feeling her life was over?

Or would it be a relief to give those tired, abused feet a chance to rest and have a “normal” life of ease and fun?  Would she be able to relax and enjoy the things in life she had had to forego to continue dancing?  Would she find she was out-of-place because she wasn’t part of the dance world, that she would have to start a whole new chapter for her future?  Then dancing could be for her own pleasure when she decided.

How strange to see this childhood wish in an entirely different light.  As she looked back on her life, she realized she had had adventures, interesting experiences, uncomfortable times and experienced so many new things – all of which didn’t necessary require suppleness, flexibility and strength.

Yes, the events and challenges in her life gave her flexibility, but of an emotional and mental kind, to be able to roll with the punches and deal with what can be a very limiting chronic illness.  Her strength had become continuing to work with what she was able to do, learn patience and conserve her energy while not allowing the illness to rule her life.  The suppleness came as acceptance, seeing the positives in the situation and being of help and support to others.

Although she doesn’t feel physically graceful yet, she handles it with grace and humor rather than with anger and feeling an innocent victim. Now it is more a matter of being grateful for what she has gained instead of wishing for something that’s not physically possible.

She has all the qualities she admires in a ballerina, they just show up in a different way and context.  Sometimes what one wants doesn’t always have to be a certain form, it’s important to ask for what you want but not to be inflexible by insisting it only be one way.  Ask for what you want, but also be open to whatever works, what ever comes for your highest good.  You would be amazed at what happens – many times it comes in ways you could not dream up yourself.

Mixed Messages

September 11, 2011

I will admit to having a rather crappy week after my realization on Sunday about Mom – now that I am willing to be aware (awareness sucks sometimes) I realize how often she would just ask me a question without using my name.  It has been more obvious when she struggles with whether I am her daughter or her sister.  When I went for my massage on Friday, I was able to release a lot of the feelings I didn’t want to acknowledge, much less know about.  It also brought out something else – I know it has been going around in my head for a long time but until then I didn’t really want to put it into words.  However, this time it was not hard and I was ready to admit it.

While Debye was working on me she said the spirits, guides and master teachers told her I am giving them mixed messages about RA.  On the one hand I want to have it healed but on the other I seem to want to keep it.  How can the Universe work with me when I am ambivalent?  It must be frustrating – or does the Universe get frustrated?  I have known without giving it voice that RA has been my identity for 40 years, so is the idea of knowing my true identity that scary that I will continue with this one?  I had to look at both to see what I truly want.

To continue with RA is to hide from the world and having to get a job.  It is receiving praise and admiration  – “I don’t know how you do everything you do while having RA”; “You are my inspiration”; “You are my hero”.  It is telling people I have it so they won’t expect much from me, then surprise them with how much I can do so well.  It is not having to compete, hiding behind RA.  It is also pain, little flexibility, meds, fatigue, medical costs, effects of meds on my body, low self esteem, not much flexibility, feeling powerless, dependent and helpless.  Is it worth the positive feedback I receive from having it?  It is very uncomfortable a lot of the time, but familiar. Plus, can I be of help if I don’t have it any more?  Is that a requirement, that without RA, do I have credibility?

On te other side, it is a bit scary to know another identity – my  true identity – than the one I have as someone with RA.  It’s new territory, instead of seeing it as scary (that scared feeling is the same as feeling excitement), why not think of it as an adventure and something to be excited about?  What else is there without RA?  Flexibility, energy, no pain, ability to do many things without painful consequences a day or two later; enthusiasm and vitality; joints and muscles that work properly, no meds and feeling free.  I feel there is something coming, don’t know what it is or how it will look, only that is is cool and fun and I can be myself.  So what would I like to do?  I have thought about that so a long time and usually the answer has always been “I don’t know”.  Suppose I think more about the elements and the feelings about it.

How will it feel?  There is energy, flexibility, sleep well, no meds, joy, exuberance, enthusiasm, excitement, more in touch with my intuition and energy center, truly loving myself exactly the way I am, being in tune with Spirit, my angels, guides and master teachers because it all comes from them – I just show up and get out of the way.  Being open, receptive, unlimited, allowing, and playing big (playing small so others feel secure just doesn’t work!) knowing whatever comes is something I can do.

It calls and fills my heart and soul, I am myself talking about what I have learned and the experiences I have had.  I want to write a book, possibly several books.  I want to help others, not as someone who has all the answers but who is just like them.  I would like to do presentations, seminar and workshops to groups, be a speaker and travel.  I would like a radio show that helps others in a wider area, with guests who I know do great work and help them expand as well.  I want to be a healer in a holistic practice.

I do know there are things the ego part of me wants to know – what exactly is it, how do I do it, where does the money come from, etc.  Plus those snarky thoughts of “Who do you think you are?  What makes you think you can do this?”, “Yeah sure, in your dreams!”.  She wants to protect me and I thank her for that, but I want to see where it leads, this or something better, rather than allow her to continue to control my life and make me afraid to step out and take risks and see what is out there for me.

Right now I feel it is preparation time, to clear out all the negative energy and stuffed feelings and emotions from the past , to create the space for new, positive and loving things to come in and multiply.  It is often uncomfortable and sometimes I don’t want to deal with it because of the pain and emotion – then again, isn’t that why they are all stuffed in my body?  I didn’t want to deal with it at the time.  Thankfully I don’t have deal with it alone, I have wonderful partners to help me through the process – even kick my butt with love when necessary.  It is easy to fall into feeling sorry for myself because of all of it (I have done victim very well these many years), so having objective and loving partners to keep me falling into that mode is such a great help.  I feel more ready to face it and deal with now.


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