Big Thank You/Huge Apology


The past few weeks have been so frustrating because I have not been able to much of anything because of my neck and shoulders. I send you a huge apology for not keeping to my once a week blog writing and a very big Thank You for sticking with me through this time.

This will be a short one because although I am finally doing better, I am not back to my usual ability to do things. I have had so many ideas for this blog, wanted to write in my journal and of course make sure I am able to conduct business as well. Not being able to do any of those things has brought anger, frustration and anything else you can think of in the way of being upset. But there has been a gift in it – not what I expected but something I needed and was ready to hear.

I have had this ice pick in the shoulder blade before, usually with rest and standing with my shoulders back, it has passed. But 4 straight, intense days doing quotes for a client for her board meeting was more than I have ever done in one sitting – not a smart move. I figured it would right itself, especially since I didn’t think anything could be done. NEWS FLASH TO SELF: All you had to do was ask the massage therapist and/or the chiropractor you know and you wouldn’t have had to go through all this balderdash. I did talk to the massage therapist and she knew exactly what was going on – triggers.

So I have had 4 deep tissue massages, deeper than I thought I could do with RA and it also surprised Debye. What I learned is a lot of it is stuffed and suppressed energy and emotions lodged in my shoulders – people carry it in different places in the body. When I went the second time, all of a sudden at one point I was bawling my eyes out – I had finally let some of it out. The third session it didn’t happen but this Wednesday’s session I really let a lot out. I am much better but I know there is a lot more crap to release and expel. Lord only knows what is stored in my knees!

I also finally understand what “Speak Your Truth” actually means. I thought it had to be some profound “Aha” moment, but it isn’t. It is simply saying what I am thinking and feeling – without judgment, no right or wrong, good or bad. As I was coming home, I felt an icepick stab and thought “What is this”? I thought back to that morning when I was getting ready to leave for my networking breakfast group and found my Mom didn’t know who I was. It isn’t the first time, she is 92 and not always with it the way she used to be. But as I was driving along with the windows down – a rare sunny, warm day – I said what I was feeling out loud in the wind, even yelled to express what was going on inside me. Then I realized the icepick was gone. Hmmmm, there is something to this after all.

I am now at a point where I need to quit or I will be in trouble again. I wanted to let you know what is happening and I needed to say it. Thank You for being interested in what I have to say, I am always interested in what you have to say – I have always thought of this as a conversation rather than just me writing what is going on in my life as I deal with RA.

Let’s hope it won’t be quite so long the next time I write.

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2 Responses to “Big Thank You/Huge Apology”

  1. Carol Brown Says:

    Oh, boy! Caretaking Mom on top of everything else! Praise God you are learning to say what you feel so it doesn’t have to stay in your body! My mom isn’t to the point of not knowing me, but she has turned from a very positive, look on the bright side sort of person to one whose first reflex is “NO!” I am so unaccustomed to negativity from her that I sometimes wonder who she is and what she did with my mother! But, I know that this is the legacy of strokes and strokes have taken most of her family. She has one younger brother remaining. It’s sad–and as hard for her as for my hubby and me.

    Blessings on you and your husband for the care you give. Carol B.

    • Lee Kaplanian Says:

      My Mom has macular degeneration and a form of dementia. I will say, she has always been rather negative but I have noticed everything is now intensified. The good news is that it is helping me to recognize some of the riggers from childhood and also to be more aware of how I have been doing it myself. Though there are times when being aware sucks! Sometimes it is easier and more familiar to be unconscious and unaware, but I have no interest in going back there. I am working on not taking it personally, that this is just what it is and not put emotion or energy on it. Easier said than done. I have no experience with this, I feel like a parent now – we don’t have any children. All I can think to do is treat it as if it is normal and not expect sense or logic. I can only change how I see and perceive it, not the facts of the condition.

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