Posts Tagged ‘Health’

There’s Something About Bunny

June 24, 2012

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Two days after I went to rehab, a close friend, Chloe Ann, came to visit and brought a soft, cuddly, stuffed bunny.  It was a light brown with slightly curly fur and  long ears that were velvety inside.  I was so pleased with that bunny, just what I needed at that moment.  She thought I would have plenty of flowers and things and when she saw the bunny, she knew it was just the right thing.  I slept with the bunny every night and any time I had a nap in the afternoon.  I asked the bunny if it would tell me if it was a boy or a girl.  She let me know she was a girl. I asked her if she would tell me her name, so far she hasn’t, so I call her Bunny.  One of the nurse’s aid, Eleanor, decided her name was Cozy because we looked all cosy together in bed.  When she made my bed, she would sit Bunny up again the pillows and spread her ears across the pillow.  One day I said to Eleanor – “You haven’t finished making the bed”.  She came over and looked, studied the bed for a bit to figure it out.  Finally she realized Bunny was on the chair across from the bed.  She laughed and put Bunny in her usual place by the pillows.

I had many people compliment me on my Bunny, they thought she was so cute and adorable.  When they woke me up at night for blood pressure and who knows what else, they were often surprised to see me with Bunny, but also raved about her as well.  When I was moved upstairs to another room because I didn’t need nursing care, just therapy, I was in my wheelchair with Bunny.  As I went down the hall I heard people laughing and enjoying the picture we made – I had buttoned Bunny into the front of my sweater so she wouldn’t fall.  She was facing out so she saw where we were going.

Bunny has been in our room since – I just realized I hadn’t taken her with me to the hotel.  She would have been company since I spent most of the nights by myself because it was extra traveling for Eddie.  Oh well, she was waiting for me when I came home.  When Eddie makes the bed, he puts Bunny in the middle between the pillows.

I have had trouble sleeping comfortably with the hips and legs, I do a lot of tossing and turning, which keeps Eddie awake a lot.  I either sleep on my side or on my back propped up with some pillows, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.  I don’t sleep enough to really feel rested, I am hoping one of these days it will all settle down.

I will come clean, for the past three weeks I have been sleeping with Bunny again.  What I find interesting is that I am sleeping better with her in my arms.  I don’t know if it is psychological or that Bunny has a special vibe for me.  I just know I have slept better in the last three weeks.  Now I have had some nights that have not been so swift even with Bunny, but on the whole it is better than without her.  I realize to some it is ridiculous for a 65 year old woman to sleep with a stuffed animal; however, I am not interested in other opinions.  It is working for me and that is all that matters.  Of course, after this post is published, the whole world will know instead of just me and Bunny.  My guess is that I am not the only one who sleeps with a plush animal.  Here’s to all of you!

I am going to publish this right now and may have more to add later.

An Enforced Sabbatical

June 3, 2012

Most people who take a sabbatical have a plan and focus as well as a goal for the time they take away from their business or career.  The past year or so, I feel as though I have had an involuntary sabbatical and there has been no plan or goal – I didn’t realize it was happening until it was several months into it.  Last year I spent a lot of the first half dealing with a terrible sore neck and shoulder – difficult to do much in the way of work on the computer and not too swift in everyday tasks.  I did begin deep tissue massage which has helped me so much in mind, body and spirit.

As I was having a lot more relief from the pain, my Mom was getting more and more dependent until I couldn’t really leave her on her own.  I found my world narrowing so much that my business really suffered until there wasn’t a whole lot left.  By October I was overwhelmed but didn’t realize it until I went past it into in over my head.  I had thought it was time to regroup, refocus and decide where I want my business to go.  It seemed a good opportunity to think and meditate on what exactly I really want.  A great idea but I didn’t have time or energy to really sit down alone in a quiet place and listen.  I had to find caregivers for Mom and even 4 hours to myself wasn’t very much to accomplish the things I needed to do, much less contemplation about my future.  As I established some care givers – Bam, there I was on the hall floor with a broken hip.  I spent 4 or 5 days in the hospital after surgery, then 8 weeks of rehab.  Wow I thought, time alone to read, write meditate and ground myself.  I was so tired and depressed I had no interest in reading, much less writing.  That was frustrating because reading is one of my greatest pleasures.  Oddly enough, I had 2 orders for my promotional marketing business while in rehab – boy, was that unexpected!

To be honest, I still haven’t processed a lot of what has happened, especially from my hip.  I know I can no longer do all the things for my Mom that I did, so many people telling me I will end up back in rehab permanently if I do.  It has been hard to  not do things, though when I tell my Mom I can’t do something because I broke my hip, it seems to register with her.  I feel as if I am shirking responsibility but since my husband, my doctor and my therapists are all worried about me, I am getting better at being at peace with it.

Now that I am finally mobile again and can go places myself, I thought I would have time to find a quiet place by the water to write and just go within.  Now it seems there are so many things I need to do I couldn’t before but I keep running out of energy a lot sooner than I want.  As I write this, I am wondering if these are all just excuses because I am reluctant to actually sit down and just write whatever is ready to come out on paper.  I wonder if I would feel more ready of there was a step by step plan to follow, but then change it any way I want.  When it comes to writing, the hardest part is putting tush in chair – the rest happens even it is stupid, lousy or brilliant.  It is as if I am afraid to truly go within because I am worried there won’t be anything there.  Maybe I just prefer have the answers spelled out for me so I don’t have to do the work.

One thing I know, this is not the time to make any major decisions because I am bone weary physically and drag my ass tired emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  Plus I am in the middle of dealing with Mom and the next project is to find a place for her to live where she is well taken care of and safe.  I have started by talking to a good friend who has done this for years, so I don’t feel I have to navigate through all of it by myself.  She has a possible place for Mom that sounds really good because she would have her medical care covered as well as a doctor, dentist, social worker, OT, PT, etc.  Plus, when she is not able to take care of herself  they would move her to a more nursing type place.  She is checking on it to see what it takes to qualify and I need to speak with my elder law attorney about some other things.  At least I have put things in motion, but it will take a while.  We need to have her on a waiting list now rather than wait until it is a crisis – it felt like a crisis back in November when I called the Alzheimer’s Association and I don’t want to do that again.

I keep wondering if this is my job, task or business for the moment, that once I take care of Mom I can start to concentrate on me and what I really want to do.  It feels as though I have been in transition the past few months – almost as if I am at a crossroads in my life.  I feel as though any time I wonder about what I want to do, what my purpose in life is or any other type question – there is a big fat question mark and all I hear myself say is “I don’t know”.  I have been so drag my ass tired for so long, I have forgotten how having energy feels.  Thank goodness I am not alone working on this and I am so looking forward to my deep tissue massage on Thursday – it has been 3 months since the last and I have missed it tremendously.

Writing A Blog

May 27, 2012

The cool part of writing a blog is the freedom to write about what I want, how I feel, how I see things, etc. without having to fit any mold.  This is all about me, my life and what I am learning – a way to help others and for me to learn from them as well.  It isn’t like school or business where it has to be a certain way, meet any particular standard or fit any mold – I thoroughly enjoy the freedom from all those restrictions.  I can write about RA and my experience with it, what I have learned, what I still have to learn, all with the hope it will help me clarify things for myself and help others along the way.   After a recent post, I suddenly began to doubt myself, wondering if it was something anyone wanted to read.  I wondered if what I was writing was “right or good enough”, would it turn away the people who have been reading my posts.   I had to stop and catch myself and realize those doubts came from ego.  Then I told ego “Thanks for your concern and wanting to protect me, I choose something different”.  If I sit and scrutinize everything I write,  worrying what people might think about it, I might as well pack it in and be done with it.  I finally understand I am speaking my truth at last.

Most blog entries have a specific subject and I start in and it writes itself to the end.  Other time it is like this one, I get an idea and write a paragraph or two and then wonder where does it goes, what do I write about now.  Some things I write about may seem rather airy fairy, touchy feely, woo woo, goofball stuff – everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I find it helps make sense of what I am feeling, thinking and experiencing.  I have never really felt I fit in the regular world, not sure where I fit in, if I did.  With the personal development I have been doing, networking for business with people in alternative medicine and finding myself much more open and non-judgmental, I have found a place where I am comfortable, where I belong.  I may not know specifically what I want to do or how my life will look, but I know how I want it to feel.

I look at my life now and how it was a year ago – such  vast difference!  At this point, the focus is on my Mom and doing what’s best for her, there isn’t a whole lot of “Me time”.  Here and there I have been able to do things for me, the deep tissue massage has truly been a revelation to me.  I have always wondered about past lives and if it was true, plus what were mine like.  Several times in massage Debye has had glimpses of me as a Roman warrior.  That I was strong, powerful, confident and also imposed my will on others.  This lifetime (maybe several others) is the time to balance that karmic energy and experience.  It is not good or bad, simply an experience I chose.  I see my life this time and it seems I have had people impose their will on me; wonder how it felt to be that strong confident that Roman Warrior.  It is such a new concept for me, I am just sitting with it and letting it simmer on the back burner.

I have been putting tags on my posts – I just learned how to do it.  As I read over them, I am amazed I wrote them – I have been writing down what is happening in my life and how I have been thinking about things.  It makes me feel good to know I  am writing so well (sorry ego, I have confidence in myself rather than thinking it is bragging or boasting).   I have learned from writing down what’s happening, I hope in some way it can help others.

Truly Back Home Now!!!

May 27, 2012

All three of us came back to the house last Saturday because the bathroom was mostly finished.  The shower doors weren’t due to be installed until Monday, so it was a spit bath or nothing.  The whole bathroom looks amazing – when I asked Brad the contractor how he felt about it, I expected him to be pleased.  What a surprise when he said he was thrilled with the way it  looked.  Now that was unexpected and gratifying.  Now that the doors are on the grab bar inside the shower has been installed, what a pleasure to have a shower without climbing over the tub.  It was well worth the three weeks it took to transform it.  The stall is only about 4″ to step over, I was preparing for 5″ with my OT in rehab.

I will say it has been an adjustment to be back here, sometimes it didn’t feel real in the beginning, but I am doing a lot better now. I think it has been the hardest on Mom, she is still adjusting to it and believing it is real She is getting more and more confused and no doubt those three weeks in the adult family home really confused her.  So we are taking it slowly for her, not doing any other changes like new towels, etc. until she has adjusted.  It has made us realize it is time to find a care facility for her – what kind I have no idea.  I suspect this is going to be quite a learning experience for me, thank goodness I have some people to help me.  What an eye opener to see what happens when one doesn’t have long term care insurance – now I really understand why it is os important.  Eddie just qualified for it and also got a discount, so I know he is taken care of in case he needs some help.  I don’t qualify because of RA, so I need to figure something else for me – possibly a money market and laddering CDs.  Right now I need to focus on Mom.

I have been doing out patient therapy for 3 weeks – the first two weeks I was still at the hotel, last week I was here and my friends really came through for me by giving me rides there.  I chose to go back to Stafford health Care because I know the therapists and they know me – I didn’t want to break in a new set by going somewhere else.  They weren’t kidding when they said out patient therapy was more aggressive and there will be pain – what an understatement!  But I know I need it because the right leg muscles are weaker and I need to strengthen them so I can stop walking like Walter Brennan.  I have had mostly thigh and groin pain, though the hip has had its share of discomfort.  This week has been more uncomfortable sleeping, I can turn on my side and sleep on the healed hip.

Thursday was a red letter day because I saw my surgeon.  I wanted to drive again and was hoping he would give me the okay.  Eddie came with me because he wanted to talk to the doc because he is also an Armenian.  The doc took an x-ray and told me he is very pleased – the hip has healed perfectly and the plate and screw has stayed exactly in place.  Couldn’t think of better news unless it was when said I could drive when I felt able.  Whoopee!  I was anxious to try but also a bit apprehensive to experiment – finally I tried on Friday around the neighborhood and it felt fine – almost as if I had just driven the day before.  So I am now on four heels again, but not the wheely walker!  I am using a cane and the doc was happy about that.  He told me not to be in a hurry to  stop using the cane and I agree – it let’s people know not to bump into me.

A low point for me was on Wednesday – we went to Barnes & Noble for coffee before going to the doc.  I went to use the restroom but the handicap stall was being used. I was concerned about one of the regular stalls but went ahead and used one.  Well, I couldn’t get up!  I tried whatever I could but it didn’t work.  Finally the woman using the handicap stall was on her way out and I asked if she would help me.  She was so sweet, she pulled me back onto my feet and I thanked her profusely.  I told her how much I appreciated her help and she said we all need help at one time or another.  She had twin girls who didn’t look more than a few months old, so I suspect she has had a lot of experience with help.  Looks like I am changing my old childhood programming slowly but surely.

It has been an interesting week – this coming week will be my first mobile week in 3 months.  I am going to finally have a haircut – I know Michelle with be horrified at the hacking I have doe to it, but needs must.  I am also going to have a massage again, boy have I missed those.  I have three days of outpatient therapy as well – pretty well fills up my dance card for the week.  I think my ambitions out strip my energy – I will have to work up my stamina.  It feels so good to be mobile again, it is hard being dependent on others for rides.  I have also found through this journey what good friends I have in my Breakfast Club and other friends.

Finally Home Again

May 20, 2012

Yesterday morning all three of us came home for good – the bathroom is almost done, the shower doors will be installed on Monday and the last few details finished.  So it is spit baths for a couple of days and then it will be a fully functional bathroom.  In some ways for me, I don’t feel I have been home at all – yes there were those 3 or 4 days between leaving rehab and living in a hotel.  I have felt temporary for the last 3 months or more since I was taken out feet first to the hospital on February 24th.  It has been an interesting journey and experience – still going on too.  I am curious to see what changes have happened inside me, right now I think it is too early to tell.  Maybe others can see changes from the outside, I am not sure.  Right now it is another adjustment coming home for good at last.

Everything is the same, yet different.  First off, there isn’t the room in the sink cabinet that we had before and there isn’t a shelf unit above the toilet any more.  That means figuring out where everything goes and what can be thrown out or given to St. Vincent so someone else can use it.  I also realize how crowded with stuff the office and our bedroom are – I know I am a pack rat and this has certainly brought it home to me.  There is the thought in the back of my mind, “What if I need it later?”.  It is that “just in case” mindset even if it turns out I never need it again.  Maybe it is simply that the rooms seem smaller than they were before and  I know that in order for new things to come in, I have to clear space for them by clearing out the old.  I realize a lot of things are from another life, a person I am no longer in this moment.  I will admit to feeling confused and unsure about who I am and where I want to go – it is as if I have been disconnected from everything I know for a long time.  Now that I am home I can reconnect – but now only with that which is truly me and what I want.

I also feel as if I am in transition with my business, I don’t quite know what direction I want to take it.  Over the past few months with my life narrowing so much as Mom was not able to be left alone, then breaking my hip, my business is almost at a standstill.  I have been thinking since last fall, it’s a good time to rest, regroup and redefine what I want to do.  The only problem seemed to be with me, I was so bone weary and mentally and emotionally exhausted that I haven’t been able to think straight.  I haven’t had the energy or interest to do anything about it.  When I went to rehab, I thought I would have time to read and write to help me see where things were and where I was heading.  Unfortunately I was so tired I had no interest in any of it,  so tired and dragged out – what I call “drag my ass tired” – I couldn’t even think about it.

Physically I am doing a lot better, I am walking with the cane around the house and for short distances outside.  I feel more independent with the cane, plus not so much hardware to put in the trunk .  But I still need to use the wheely walker if I am going to the store or longer distances – the therapists think I can be back walking without anything as I did before I broke the hip.  The one thing that is most frustrating is not being able to drive, to go and do whenever I want.  I am dependent on rides to therapy and I will say how grateful I am to friends who have been there for me.  It was hard to ask for help when I went back to my networking breakfast club because I have always done things myself.  It was very difficult to change a lifetime of “Don’t ask for help”, “Don’t impose on people or be a burden”.  Thanks to my older sister Ellen for her words “Ditch it, Girl” when we discussed it awhile back.  In many ways I have become very aware of some childhood programs in the last few months – I had no idea about specifics, I was just going on autopilot and didn’t really know it.

Outpatient physical therapy is more aggressive than inpatient – I really notice it when I am finished.  Michael puts me on the cross trainer first, just with the foot action.  It has intensity settings from 1-10, he jacked up to 8 on Friday.  So the resistance is more and I feel the workout in my legs.  I think he plans to have me all the way up to 10 by the time I leave.  He is helping me with balance and strength as well as being a bit faster in my movements.  We are doing moderate difficulty on “Stomp the mole”, it is a 9 square grid and when amole pops up, I have to move my feet to the proper square to stomp it.  They also have a mouse that moves from one square to another and they are also to be stomped.  However, not the lady bugs, but they tend to get stomp unintentionally – I don’t always  notice them while trying to get the mice and moles.  He isn’t really concerned with my score, he wants me to be able to step from one square to another a little faster each time so I have a more smooth movement.  Mostly when I feel I have loosened a tight muscle and it is comfortable again, Michael finds another couple I didn’t know I had.  Like everything else, it is a process.  Glad to be at this end than just starting to stand and walk again.

What Do I Believe About Myself?

February 19, 2012

I started this entry awhile ago, have come back to it 2 or 3 times and it still doesn’t feel quite right.

I saw this question a while back and I have been letting it simmer on the back burner for awhile.  Some obvious answers are “I’m not good enough”; “I’m not worthy”;”I’m not eligible or qualified for the good things in life”.   It’s a lot of how I have thought about myself for a long time.  Yet it didn’t really feel quite “right”.  This morning I was getting dressed to go to a networking breakfast and it popped into mind “I don’t believe there is anything special about me”.  I have compared myself to other people and always found myself wanting.  Trouble is, I am the only one who sees it that way.  So where did this begin?

I am the middle child of three daughters – no  doubt with all the usual middle child hang ups.  My older sister is a wonderful artist; I have admired her all my life and wanted to be able to draw and paint the way she does.  I tried but never measured up – my judgment rather than anyone else’s.  My younger sister seemed to breeze through things, did so well with music and later on writing, having her books published.  I never felt anything I did was all that special except when I did some creative things, more crafter than fine artist.  I realize I have not given myself credit for things I have done because it seemed normal, what one does in the situation.  When it comes to RA, I never realized I had a choice of whether I was going to deal with or not, I figured I had to go to the doctor, have it treated and live my life.  It has been with me so long, I’ve done whatever I needed to do to get through the day, through the flare up, the medical procedures, creating a life around what I could do physically and somehow moving from one place to another, making a new life each time.  It never seemed to be that big of an accomplishment, only what I had to do.

There have been times when I have had people tell me I have such a positive attitude – I wonder where that came from because so often I have been down, depressed, cranky and not much fun to be around.  They also say they marvel that I am able to do so much with RA – why does it feel so minor to me?  Where did I begin to discount myself, who I am and what I have accomplished?

I have been thinking about this post since I last wrote and I have realized I see myself as a result of other peoples’ comments and perceptions of me.  Except I have only heard and taken in the negative bits – wonder why the positive ones didn’t come through as well or stronger.  I also now understand that most of my feedback in childhood was more negative than positive – I know Mom was trying to protect all three of us girls in the only way she knew how.  I often wonder what her childhood was like – she only talks about her aunts and uncles, grandparents, some about her parents – but not the details that would help me understand her better.  When I asked her about them, what they were like, she would say they didn’t analyze everything back then.  Or if she wasn’t willing to talk, she would just say “I don’t know”.  She is a true Yankee New Englander, born and raised in Connecticut and not one to talk much about feelings.  My Dad was more talkative, though he was closed-mouthed some about things too.

Now I have begun to realize I have been looking outside myself for validation all my life – I haven’t loved, accepted, approved or trusted myself.  I can’t make my parents responsible for all of it – as an adult I have had choices, although I didn’t really realize it at the time.  I just went on with what I had always known.  I have to take responsibility for my adult choices all these year – yes, it is much easier to blame someone else and see myself as a victim.  But I am not a victim even though ego wants me to continue that so she can be in control.  I know I am a late bloomer, I didn’t realize it would take until my 60’s to begin to bloom.  I am also learning I had to go through the last 65 years to be ready for this part of my life – still hard to grasp it has been perfect all the way through.  Maybe it is because the definition of perfect has always been Make (something) completely free from faults or defects, satisfying all requirements and corresponding to an ideal standard or abstract concept.  So now it is time to redefine perfect in terms of my life.  I always felt I had to be perfect, do things perfectly, then beat myself up because I didn’t or couldn’t do or be perfect – an impossibility from the beginning.  (That’s another blog post by itself!).

I will admit I am not really happy about this post, it doesn’t feel as if it flows and goes anywhere.  But I will post it anyway and invite anyone to give me some feedback and suggestions to make it better.  Or maybe I am just too close to it and need to step back from it and not stress about it.  Not all blog posts are stellar.

Thinking of a Title

January 8, 2012

It has been quite a rollercoaster lately, I am in waaaay over my head with a personal situation and I finally sought help from experts.  I could beat myself up and say I should have done it sooner, etc. – but I am not going to should all over myself or beat myself up.  It has helped to know others have knowledge and experience that can really help since I have no idea about it.  I have friends who have dealt with the same thing and have offered help and an ear to bend whenever I need it.  I am also going to go to a support group this coming week –  I have been ambivalent with RA support groups before but this is something that feels entirely different.  I will see what it is like and go from there.

As a result, I have drawn a blank on what to write about this week – a little surprising because I often have plenty to say.  One bright spot every week day is my Note From the Universe to encourage me, make me smile and give me great insights.  It also helps me put things into a better perspective.  This one came and made me laugh as well as help me put things in perspective:

Dwelling on the unimportant, stressing on the unintended, and freaking over the unknown, Lee, simply doesn’t work… and are a bit like lighting a match in a dark room to make sure no one accidentally sprinkled any gunpowder on your bicycle, kept under the stairs, near the back porch, in January.   Actually, some of that wasn’t really important, but hopefully it distracted from any stigma you may have attached to freaking over the unknown. 

You’re so adorable,
    The Universe

Why not just celebrate that you’re alive, Lee, every single day? After celebrating that you don’t need a bike to get email, in January.

This one came and just made me smile and feel so good!

What do blaring trumpets, cartwheeling angels, harping harpsichordists, and celestial hoedowns bring to mind?
The Pearly Gates? Welcome “Home” parties? Heaven gone wild?
Actually, Lee, they play for every earthly sunrise and all of the moments of each day and night that follow.

Duck!! 
    The Universe

Phew… you were nearly accidentally side-kicked by an exuberant admirer returning from a hoedown, Lee, who simply adores you.

And then comes ones like this, that are so encouraging when I am rather down on myself for not accomplishing much.  It makes me realize how much I discount what I do, can do and have done.  In my mind I know that so often I am the most effective when I am just being me – God works through me so much better when I show up and get out of the way!  When I “know that I know” deep in my heart that I am doing exactly what I am meant to do, that I don’t have to be famous or wealthy or have a lot of hoopla to live my purpose, then I can cease and desist.  I feel I am in the process now, but old habits die hard.  Thank you ego for your concern and protection, I choose the positive.

If you were able to look back at your most brilliant successes, stunning comebacks, amazing catches, and smokin’ ideas, Lee, and you were to find that virtually all of them seemed to materialize out of thin air, when you least expected them, and that they had exceeded even your greatest expectations at the time, how excited would you be about the new year and whatever else I’ve got up my sleeve? 

Hubba, hubba – 
    The Universe

If I’ve ever helped you before, Lee, don’t you think I can do it again… and again… and again… ad infinitum? Actually, it ought to be even easier next time, with your new saunter.

I know there is a gift in this situation but at the moment it isn’t necessarily clear to me – it may not be until it is all over and I have had a chance to absorb and process it all.  I know there are lessons I can learn and that too is very hard to see. ( NOTE TO SELF:  Ekhart Tolle talks about being in the moment, in the NOW – well, isn’t Mom a great  example of living in the moment?  Yes, it can be frustrating but it also is an advantage because she doesn’t remember my impatient, bitchy moments.)  I have too much emotion in the situation and the person, so it is harder to detach, take out the emotion and be more objective.  I have learned I take on others emotions and that gets me into trouble – another habit of a lifetime to continue working on.  I have not had a massage for 2 weeks and I really miss it, I hope to go this coming week because it has been a way to clear out a lot of old stuck emotions and help me see things in a more objective way. Plus Debye and Monty are a big cheering section for me as well as helping me understand things better.  I have spent so much of my life “doing it on my own” – it’s part of my upbringing and then I carried it through my adult life.  I dealt with RA mostly by myself because I didn’t really have anyone I could talk to about it – seeing the doc and other patients was only once a month or so.  My husband traveled and I was alone a lot – it made me more independent – and the women my age either had kids or a job or both.  I had neither, plus they didn’t really understand  having a husband who traveled a lot.  I have often felt I march to a different drummer.

Hmmm, for having drawn a blank I have managed to fill the page.  Isn’t that often the way!  I just start and never know what will come or where it will arrive.

Small Things – Part 2

January 1, 2012

Awhile back I wrote bout how it is often the small things that make a big difference, not the big, complicated ones.  I just discovered how to create tags for this blog.  I figured out how to activate Zementa so it can generate tags for me.  Unfortunately they don’t seem to really fit  what I am writing about and it feels as if it would lead someone down a rabbit hole.  Just looking at the list for this paragraph makes me wonder – small business, shopping, consumer, insurance, rate of return.  Did I miss something?  So I will work on my own, check their suggestions and do my best not to send people down a rabbit hole.

One thing I have found that really helps with sore muscles and joints when I have overdone is arnica gel.   It has been around for centuries and has been used by a lot of people.  I find if I rub it in to those places I think are going to be stiff before I go to bed, I am either not stiff or less stiff in the morning.  Now sometimes I can’t always tell where the stiffness is going to be and then in the morning I know.  During the day when muscles are sore or whatever it is under there that hurts, I can rub it in and after a bit I feel the relief.  Now I will admit, if it is really bad, it hasn’t seem to make a dent in it – those are the times when nothing seems to relieve anything.  That is a poor-me-osis day, we all know how that feels.

I learned that germs, especially cold and flu germs, don’t like an alkaline atmosphere.  When I feel that “coming down with something” feeling, whether it is a cold or flu, I go for the baking soda right away to nip it in the bud.  It is 1/4 teaspoon of baking soda in a small glass of water, another one an hour later and then another 12 hours later.  Now sometimes it doesn’t seem to quite nip it, so I either do another round or just have one morning and evening.  It really seems to work.  The past few weeks I have been doing this off and on – I can’t seem to shake it completely.  I am fine for a bit, then I have to do the round again.  Some suggest having alkaline in your water all the time as a preventative, not a bad idea.

Sometimes I find myself stuck in an negative attitude about someone or something and have a hard time turning it positive.  So I ask God to change my attitude.  Some days it is an attitude adjustment while once in awhile it is an attitude overhaul.  When we moved to an apartment in Torrance, California; it was a new complex and it was a larger one than we had before.  I remember standing waiting for the elevator and thinking “I don’t like it here”.  I didn’t have any particular reason why, maybe it was just having to start my life over again.  Anyway, I asked God to help change my attitude to positive, then promptly forgot about it (that is often a crucial part).  A few days later I suddenly realized I liked where I was and it came as quite a surprise.

Several years ago, my sister Candy Paull gave me Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way”.  One of the things Julia advocates is morning pages – three handwritten pages  every morning.  You just start writing about whatever you want – rants, raves, complaints, interesting discoveries, insights, ideas, whingeing – without worrying about  right or wrong.  There is no right or wrong, only the doing.   If you tend to do a lot of whingeing and complaining, after awhile you get tired of it and find yourself writing things that are more positive.  It is also a great way to bring out ideas for things without sitting and thinking, trying to create something.  You never  have to go back and read what you write – it is the act of writing that is important.  Remember, you are a writer if you write, not if you are published.  I will admit to not doing morning pages for quite awhile – there is always the excuse my shoulder hurts, I don’t have time in the morning,etc.  Well, write during the day or night!  She recommends getting up and doing it the first things before your ego has a chance to wake up.

When I am scared, there is that fluttery  butterfly feeling in my stomach.   When it becomes a full blown “Get me the hell out of here!” fear, that little butterfly calls in all his friends and they all start doing aerobatics in my stomach.  What I have since learned is that excitement has the same feeling!  So now when I am scared or really afraid, I change gears and see it as excitement.  Simple but not easy.

I will work on a new list for another time.  I am always open to suggestions.

Baby Steps

September 19, 2011

It has been an enlightening week, some not so comfortable but also a lot of encouragement.  Since I had the very direct message about being ambivalent about having RA, it has been simmering on the back burner.  I had a picture in my mind of a large square with a teal green background; it was divided into 2 halves.  On the right side were all the pros and cons, advantages and disadvantages of having RA.  Yes, there are advantages, benefits and payoffs as well as the crappy stuff.  On the left side was pros & cons, advantages and disadvantages of not having it.  I found myself concentrating on the left side, with all the advantages and all the possibilities.  I am  now at a point where the print on the right side is fading, while the left side is being filled to overflowing with positive words and phrases.

On of the big items on the right side is Identity – I realize I have spent the last almost 41 years thinking RA is my identity rather than simply one part of me.  I have had a lot of confusion trying to understand what my identity is – most often it is associated with what one does for a living.  Well, I didn’t have a profession, so  RA was my substitute.  Now a big item on my left side is Identity, except I realize it means who I truly am.  I have come to understand that there are many parts to my identity, so emphasizing only one aspect seems counterproductive.  Without RA I can concentrate on other things and not obsess  about it with a capital “I”.

The other interesting thing was on Sunday, I spent a lot of time on the computer on a possible new project and was tired at the end of it.  My first thought was how sore and uncomfortable my shoulder and neck were going to be the next day.  Then it hit me, does it have to be that way?  Is it only a learned assumption from the past months that I have to be in pain the next day?  I had to think about that for a bit.  I decided the answer is no, I don’t have to be in pain.  Now I did put arnica gel on the places that usually are sore and did some massage while breathing through the pain before I went to bed.  How amazing to find the next morning I was doing rather well.  I have been doing pretty well this week, some bit and pieces of pain here and there but not the constant , miserable pain I have had for so long.    I realized I was choosing good health and well being rather than choosing RA and pain.

Another interesting discovery, I received some encouragement and validation that my angels, guides, spirits and master teachers are hearing me and helping.  I have been doing a conference call every Saturday with a small group of amazing women and last time Juanita posed a question.  If you were a seed, where would want to be planted and  what would you like to be?  As usual I knew it needed to simmer on the back burner as well as asking my angels for some help and guidance.  They have come through for me when I need an idea for something and I have had this knowing that they are there waiting to help me.  So after the call I asked them all to help me to know what seed I would be.  Now I was thinking literally and someone once called me a lotus – but that didn’t feel right.  So I just let it go and had other things to keep me involved.  As I was coming back from my massage I remembered about the seed, it was Friday and the call is on Saturday.  I was driving along with the windows open on a lovely sunny day, then it came to me – seed of Discovery.  I would be planted in the heart of one who is ready for it and I would bloom into understanding.  Then came a tug of war with ego – she kept saying I was being presumptuous and full of it while my positive mind said it was from the angels.  I decided it was from the angels, I have spent too much time listening to ego, so I told her “Thank You for sharing, I know you want to protect me but I’m not boarding that bus!”.  Debye was all smiles when I told her about it, she said they had asked her to ask me and they were all excited I “got it”.

I am so encouraged  that I really do have intuition and it is becoming a little stronger each day.  Part of it is clearing out a lot of the stuffed down feelings from all these years, now there is beginning to be room for intuition to bloom.

Mixed Messages

September 11, 2011

I will admit to having a rather crappy week after my realization on Sunday about Mom – now that I am willing to be aware (awareness sucks sometimes) I realize how often she would just ask me a question without using my name.  It has been more obvious when she struggles with whether I am her daughter or her sister.  When I went for my massage on Friday, I was able to release a lot of the feelings I didn’t want to acknowledge, much less know about.  It also brought out something else – I know it has been going around in my head for a long time but until then I didn’t really want to put it into words.  However, this time it was not hard and I was ready to admit it.

While Debye was working on me she said the spirits, guides and master teachers told her I am giving them mixed messages about RA.  On the one hand I want to have it healed but on the other I seem to want to keep it.  How can the Universe work with me when I am ambivalent?  It must be frustrating – or does the Universe get frustrated?  I have known without giving it voice that RA has been my identity for 40 years, so is the idea of knowing my true identity that scary that I will continue with this one?  I had to look at both to see what I truly want.

To continue with RA is to hide from the world and having to get a job.  It is receiving praise and admiration  – “I don’t know how you do everything you do while having RA”; “You are my inspiration”; “You are my hero”.  It is telling people I have it so they won’t expect much from me, then surprise them with how much I can do so well.  It is not having to compete, hiding behind RA.  It is also pain, little flexibility, meds, fatigue, medical costs, effects of meds on my body, low self esteem, not much flexibility, feeling powerless, dependent and helpless.  Is it worth the positive feedback I receive from having it?  It is very uncomfortable a lot of the time, but familiar. Plus, can I be of help if I don’t have it any more?  Is that a requirement, that without RA, do I have credibility?

On te other side, it is a bit scary to know another identity – my  true identity – than the one I have as someone with RA.  It’s new territory, instead of seeing it as scary (that scared feeling is the same as feeling excitement), why not think of it as an adventure and something to be excited about?  What else is there without RA?  Flexibility, energy, no pain, ability to do many things without painful consequences a day or two later; enthusiasm and vitality; joints and muscles that work properly, no meds and feeling free.  I feel there is something coming, don’t know what it is or how it will look, only that is is cool and fun and I can be myself.  So what would I like to do?  I have thought about that so a long time and usually the answer has always been “I don’t know”.  Suppose I think more about the elements and the feelings about it.

How will it feel?  There is energy, flexibility, sleep well, no meds, joy, exuberance, enthusiasm, excitement, more in touch with my intuition and energy center, truly loving myself exactly the way I am, being in tune with Spirit, my angels, guides and master teachers because it all comes from them – I just show up and get out of the way.  Being open, receptive, unlimited, allowing, and playing big (playing small so others feel secure just doesn’t work!) knowing whatever comes is something I can do.

It calls and fills my heart and soul, I am myself talking about what I have learned and the experiences I have had.  I want to write a book, possibly several books.  I want to help others, not as someone who has all the answers but who is just like them.  I would like to do presentations, seminar and workshops to groups, be a speaker and travel.  I would like a radio show that helps others in a wider area, with guests who I know do great work and help them expand as well.  I want to be a healer in a holistic practice.

I do know there are things the ego part of me wants to know – what exactly is it, how do I do it, where does the money come from, etc.  Plus those snarky thoughts of “Who do you think you are?  What makes you think you can do this?”, “Yeah sure, in your dreams!”.  She wants to protect me and I thank her for that, but I want to see where it leads, this or something better, rather than allow her to continue to control my life and make me afraid to step out and take risks and see what is out there for me.

Right now I feel it is preparation time, to clear out all the negative energy and stuffed feelings and emotions from the past , to create the space for new, positive and loving things to come in and multiply.  It is often uncomfortable and sometimes I don’t want to deal with it because of the pain and emotion – then again, isn’t that why they are all stuffed in my body?  I didn’t want to deal with it at the time.  Thankfully I don’t have deal with it alone, I have wonderful partners to help me through the process – even kick my butt with love when necessary.  It is easy to fall into feeling sorry for myself because of all of it (I have done victim very well these many years), so having objective and loving partners to keep me falling into that mode is such a great help.  I feel more ready to face it and deal with now.


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