Last night was one of those low points, I haven’t one that low for quite awhile. I have two situations going on as well as dealing with RA – amazing how they all combine at times. Last night I was putting off going to bed because I have not been sleeping very well the past few months because my legs hurt so much at night. I will admit to feeling worn out and worn down at the moment, not sure what to do or not do to understand what’s happening and what I can do to help my wonderful body – my friend and healer – to create healing for my legs. It has taken me a long time to see my body as healer, friend and beautiful – not quite there wholeheartedly but a heck of lot closer than I was. I am uncomfortable admitting that when I am “drag my ass tired”, I tend to be cranky and not especially objective.
I had a conversation last night that put me over the edge – I was ready to cry and the tears were coming. But there isn’t anywhere to go to yell my lungs out, beat the pillow and generally howl with pain and frustration. The odd thing was, I was thinking about one of the other situations that is foreign territory to me and nothing to guide me through it. Yet I heard myself say, I can do this, whatever it requires I can do this. I may feel like running away and not dealing with it; I may not want to do something necessary, I may not like doing it – but I can do it. I don’t remember ever thinking that way before – I usually had that scared little kid feeling of “I can’t do this, I want my Mommy”! By George, there is a real adult woman inside me these days and that feels amazing. I still am not happy dealing with this situation, but I am seeing it as a capable adult woman who knows when to seek advice from those with experience.
I can’t honestly say why I was so upset last night, maybe it is just all of it coming together because I am tired. I know two of the situations I can leave the house for awhile and not think about it or have to do anything. But I have to take my legs with me – ain’t that a b—-h sometimes. I would love to leave one or more body parts at home so I could have some fun – jump, skip, climb and whoop it up. But so far I haven’t created a way to do that, so the body goes with me on holiday, to parties, to fun things and here I am thinking it is in my way. In my more rational moments, I realize how grateful I am to my body because she makes it possible to use all my senses to experience the world, my legs have taken me to places in the world and the US. I have always wanted to go – some were interesting but I have no desire to go back again and I am glad I was able to leave. Without her I couldn’t read, write, quilt, laugh, hear Puccini arias or all of Beethoven, I could see or hear the ocean and waterfalls; I could smell or taste all those wonderful things from my Mom’s kitchen or appreciate her gorgeous hooked rugs. I am so grateful that most of my body systems – respiratory, digestive, circulation, etc. all work really well, just a few problems with joints, tendons, muscles and ligaments.
Those are my rational moments. Last night was one of my “oh-poor-me-osis” moments when I feel very sorry for myself and think I have it worse than anyone else on the planet. (I can be a global thinker at times). I get into that victim mentality and and wonder why I am lumbered with all this, what did I do that was so bad I deserve this? Well, I hope I had one hell of a good time because this is the pits. Then there are those who think they are helping by pointing out someone who is worse off than I am – that just makes me cranky and feeling I have been dismissed and devalued. As if what I deal with is not as major or important or serious as the person they have mentioned. At this point in my life, I would like to tell them to shove it where the sun don’t shine, Thank You very much. Unfortunately my Mother and Father brought me up to be polite and it is extremely difficult to go against early childhood training. However, I have on rare occasions actually been able to do it. Then I feel badly afterwards because I wasn’t the “good girl” I was brought up to be. Rats! Can’t even enjoy that rare moment!
Funny, this time I didn’t feel a lot of that stuff, it was more calm and the tears were just spilling over on to my cheeks; it was almost as if I was too tired to feel, much less examine exactly what was happening. I went to bed and my husband, bless his heart, just folded me into his arms and let me cry. Yikes! As I write this I find my eyes filling again so I know I haven’t cried it out or resolved it yet. And I didn’t sleep all that well last night either. I am a work in progress and no doubt will be for the rest of my life.
Something surprising I have noticed in the 40 years of RA, whether I am in pain and really low, on a high or anywhere in between, I have an ability to see some humor in it as I describe it to myself or write it for someone else. These things pop into my mind just at the right moment and it feels right, that it fits. I don’t sit and think, “now what does this remind me of or what word or phrase can I use to describe this?”, it just arrives with no effort or thought. Those can also come out not the way I meant and it means another foot in mouth moment. So I am grateful for it and appreciate the boost it gives me.
Gift of RA 