Somewhere In Neutral


I have to do at least one thing today – so far I have slept, watched tv and been on the computer, but not accomplishing anything.  I got up with Eddie this morning to have breakfast with him, he is spending the day at the Convention Center for the Interior Show.  Then we have the volunteer dinner tonight – he is the volunteer in the family.  I feel at loose ends, somewhere in neural – that’s the phrase that comes into my mind.

After he left, I checked email and then went back to bed.  I had trouble going to sleep because I was cold, then had weird dreams.  When I got up, I checked the clock and thought it was 1:00.  I had a show and got dressed, then looked at the clock again – it was only 11:30.  I’ve been sleeping well, so I may be beginning to unwind and release tensions of the last few years.  I did my show yesterday with Krista Gibson as my guest – she is great to have on the show and I enjoyed interviewing her.  Actually, I wanted her to clarify a couple of things I had heard her say because it was just a vague I think I know, but I was looking for I know that I know.  Now I am letting it simmer on the back burner until it really sinks in.

Before the show, I had a chance to meet and talk with Consuelo – her show is at 8:00 a.m., so I hear it as I am driving to the station.  I like what she has to say, plus she is the one who told me about Sound Cloud.  As we were talking, I asked her if it was too soon to see if my Mom had transitioned smoothly and was she with Dad and Josephine – Consuelo said she is there with them and it went smoothly.  She is happy and surrounded by love.  I was so glad to hear that – I know how scared Mom was to let go and all three of us girls told her Dad would be waiting.

After the show I went to see Dave, my attorney friend, about a matter for my sister.  He wasn’t there but I was able to give Dana the information and I will probably see Dave tomorrow at Breakfast Club.  Then went to see Dr. Cheryl for an adjustment.  My shoulders and neck have been stiff and sore – a large weight I have been carrying?  I’m not sure I am ready to examine feelings and emotions right now; I know it needs to be addressed.

I went to my caregiver support group, told them about Mom.  I realized I had been doing a lot of venting, but it was necessary and I knew it was a safe place.  I didn’t say a whole lot and there were two new people.  We ended up with 2 Jeans and 2 Lauries.  Then there was Claire and me, later Toni.   Last night I suddenly realized I don’t have to deal with that any more.  I am a little reluctant to say Mom’s passing is a relief – for her because she isn’t anxious or confused any more; for me because I was having trouble handling going to see her each week, seeing her decline before my eyes.

I was really tired when I came home, then fell asleep for a bit before dinner.  I could have gone to bed at any time, I didn’t want to find myself wide awake in the middle of the night because I had gone to sleep at 7.  My mind feels a bit like mush, hard to hold on to a thought or action for very long.  I feel as if it is one of my “drag my ass tired” periods with RA.

I hear from friends this is fairly normal.  It was very different when Dad died, our niece from Jerusalem was visiting and we left for Virginia after the Celebration of Life open house.  I went home and had to put my cat to sleep and our niece had used our phone to call her fellow and he kept calling.  Eddie was really upset because he told her not to use the phone, plus his sister and her husband didn’t want her talking to him either.  I finally answered the phone, told him I would let her talk to him once but not to call again because I had too much to deal with at that moment.  I told her the same thing, but he kept calling, so I didn’t answer the phone.  So she was mad at us and when she went back home, she didn’t speak to us for a long time.  There was a lot a stuff going on and for a while I couldn’t think about Dad.

Finally I sat down and wrote to him, at times hard to see the keyboard because I was crying, it felt good to put it in words.  I think I wrote at least a couple of other times – wonder where I put the sheets.  What has always surprised me is that whenever we came here to visit afterwards, it didn’t seem strange Dad wasn’t here.  It’s more than that. but I don’t have the words to describe it.  The experiences are different,  not sure what works for me.  Mom’s passing is still so new, I am just being and seeing what happens.  It’s odd how I suddenly remember she isn’t here any more and it brings me up short.

Glad to know I accomplished something today.

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2 Responses to “Somewhere In Neutral”

  1. Charlotte Trayer Says:

    Actually, yes, Liz, your mom’s death is both a release for her and a relief for you–I felt the same way when my mom died. You still grieve, you still miss her, but now she is free of the physical bonds, and you are free of the responsibility of her care. You will get to a point (if you haven’t already) where it will feel odd to not go and see her at your usual time–like there is a hole in your schedule. If that happens, fill the hole with some other activity–whether it’s going somewhere special for lunch, or just sitting down to watch a favorite movie or read a book.

    See you soon!! You know there will be plenty of hugs for you!! love, Char

    • Lee Kaplanian Says:

      Once again, wise words from a dear friend who has gone through it already. I don’t know what I need at the moment, that it makes it hard to tell anyone else what I need, so many have offered to help and I so appreciate it.

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