Gift of RA

Now Mom Knows

September 11, 2012

SUNDAY

I just realized the post I wrote yesterday was still only a draft – I was sure I published it. Well, now it is published for all the world to see.

I must admit, I have been dreading to day because I needed to tell Mom about the new home – I didn’t think she would be too happy about it. Yesterday I talked to Kathy on the phone about how to approach it and she gave me some very good suggestions. I had been wondering what to say and worried about how she would take the news. I realized, at least in my head, that I needed to give it all to God, my spirit guides, angels and master teachers as well as Archangel Michael to help Mom have peace. So I had to really talk to myself about it, to release all the worrying and over analyzing, to just let it all go. I truly had to put it in their hands for them to give me the words, actions, attitude, thoughts, etc. to tell Mom. I had to not only just show up and get out of the way in my head – it had to be in my heart as well. Strangely enough, I was fairly calm, though had trouble going to sleep last night. I kept thinking about Mom, the things I could say, how she might react – second guessing about things that hadn’t even happened. So I decided I needed something else to think about, so I switched to quilting – that actually did it for awhile.

When I got up this morning she was very confused, asking if this was her parents house, etc. She ended up go in and out of bed 2 or 3 times – I was feeling anxious because I wanted to “get it over”. But I knew that was only for my benefit, this had to be about Mom and when the best time would be for her. So I waited until she was fully awake, dressed and had had breakfast. Then I sat her down at the dining room table to tell her. I mentioned the house she had stayed for a couple weeks and the lady there, Lucy; not really but that didn’t matter. I told her I had found another home for her, a real house with a large yard, a place to be outside when it is nice and how pretty it is. I said the lady who owns it met her at the Center and talked to her; thought she was sweet and made her laugh. She liked Mom so much she has invited Mom to come and live in her home. I mentioned a little dog who loves people that comes to visit and there are some other ladies there. She wanted to know when and I said on Wednesday. I feel as if I had smacked her in the face, she seemed a bit stunned. So far she isn’t angry, though she wonders how she is going to be able to do it all. I told her I would take care of it for her.

I called Kathy and told her I had told her and she seemed to take it well. Kathy planned to come over and visit, bring lunch for the two of them. After I hung up, I made phone ring and pretended it was Kathy and told Mom she was coming to visit. Mom was delighted because she really likes Kathy. She stayed for about an hour or more, Aster and I were in the office talking. So far Mom hasn’t said much, maybe she is trying to process it. We’ll see what happens.

TUESDAY

Mom didn’t say anything about moving to her new home, though Monday morning when I told Helima it would be her last Monday because Mom is going to a new home, Mom seemed confused. So I just reminded her we had talked about it the day before and she just said “Oh”. Then yesterday afternoon and evening she asked if she is going somewhere and when. She seemed okay with it – I still don’t know how much has registered. Kathy is coming to help today and tomorrow – I think having her will reassure Mom.

As for me, I am so tired and dragged out, I find everything takes so much energy and effort. I did go to my caregiver support group yesterday afternoon – I think I have a difficult time, but the others have so much more to deal with than I do. I did make an appointment for a massage with Debye on thursday morning, then I need to pick up Eddie in the afternoon. Friday I want to meet Charlotte and accept her generous offer of the weighted baby doll – other than that, I don’t know. At the moment I haven’t planned ahead, just want to sleep. I know things will look different when I am more rested.

Tags: adult family home, angels, God, Mother, Spirit guide
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Relief And A Smack In The Face

September 9, 2012

Thursday was supposed to be a day for me, but it ended up mostly about Mom. I had a call in the afternoon from Denise, the social worker – Jas had visited with Mom at the Day Center and thought she was sweet. She has agreed to have Mom come and live in her adult family home. She can come on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. Yikes!!! It was such a relief that everyone agreed to have Mom live there, but it was like a smack in the face to realize it would be next week. I had to just let it sink in and simmer on the back burner for a bit. When I called her, it was the beginning of family training. I was working on quotes for a client in between phone calls, so I worked on that for awhile to let it settle and not feel so immediate.

Of course, the next thing is telling Mom and making the transition. I called Kathy on Friday and asked if she would help me with it since she knows Mom quite well. I also called Jas to thank her for having Mom come to live in the house and to decide what day. I’m not sure if it was relief or just letting go of stress about it that made me feel so tired – I have been exhausted for the past several weeks. I went to see my chiropractor in the morning and went to an engagement lunch for my friend Chloe Ann – I know her from Breakfast Club and have been living vicariously through her for the past year as she has been doing online dating. It is something she never thought she would do, but with help from friends, she did the preparation work to be ready to find the right man. She feels she has and they are going to be married at the end of the month. He lives in Vancouver, Wa and they plan to live there and rent ChloeAnn’s condo for a while. I’m glad I had some time for my own things, then I drove up to the Center to sign the papers and pick up Mom. She didn’t know I was coming, nor does she know about the move.

I talked to the social worker and learned some things about Mom, some of the things she does at the Center and some things I didn’t know she liked. One thing she told me was that Mom really enjoys holding the weighted baby doll they have – that was a surprise. So I decided it might be a good idea to buy her one for the new home. Of course I checked with my doll expert Charlotte. She has been collecting, repairing and making clothes for her dolls and also when she worked in the doll shop. She offered to give Mom one of her weighted baby dolls, a girl in pink. It is a really nice one and I am so amazed at such a generous gift. When I was at the Center, I asked to see the baby doll she has been holding so I could see if it is similar to the one Charlotte has. I think so. So I will happily accept her gift for Mom. She also has been enjoying holding a very large bear – I checked my supplier and they have one I can order so Mom has another option. I may not do both all at once, just see how things go.

I talked to Kathy today to find out how to start the process of transition – she said we need to tell Mom now, plus she will come by to visit after I tell her to help reassure her. So I will tell her tomorrow morning and then Kathy will come by about noon with salads to have lunch. I’ll just tell Mom Kathy called and wanted to come and visit. We’ll see what happens after that. She emphasized I need to make it positive and to say that Jas has invited her to come there to live. I am just going to ask God, my angels, spirit guides and master teachers to give me the words, actions, attitude, etc. and I will just show up and get out of the way. Otherwise I will worry and agonized about what to say and wonder if I “get it right”. Unfortunately I tend t0 over analyze things, driving myself nuts.

There has been a small part of me that has been feeling a bit guilty for doing this. The social worker said something that helped me feel better about it – she said Mom is at a good stage for the transition because she is still social. If I wait too long, it may be much harder for Mom to adjust. Jas suggested not seeing for a week, maybe two while Mom adjusts. Then visit for only 15 minutes, bringing her something. then Jas will distract her and I need to leave quickly. One step at a time.

Tags: adult family home, Mother, transition, weighted baby doll
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Waiting Isn’t Always Easy

September 6, 2012

This came from the Universe today – I could have used it earlier but no doubt this is just the right time. I have been apprehensive, concerned, scared and unsure in finding an adult family home for my Mom; this has really hit home for me.

Lee, when you move, I move. When you reach, I reach. And when you go the extra mile, I clear the way. But not a moment sooner.

Which is why before you move, reach, and go, things sometimes look so scary.

Just like that,

The Universe

Lee, “I do” if “you do.” Settled? I now pronounce us unstoppable.

I so appreciate the daily note from The Universe during the week – so often it is spot on to what I am thinking, doing or wondering about in my life. Certainly finding a place for my Mom has been one of those very uncomfortable situations; I am so grateful for The Universe already creating the solution (even though I wasn’t really sure) and all the people who have been helping me all along the way. I am so glad I don’t have to do it all by myself – I would be bouncing off the walls a rubber room by now. I have had help from Providence, Kathy has been a great help and Eddie as well. When it comes to Mom’s financial and business affairs, I have had a lot of help from my Networking Breakfast Club – Dave our elder law attorney, people who know about houses and property, others who have had to deal with the same kind of situation, caregivers, etc. I have such support from friends and family to help me take care of myself and have a more objective view of the situation – I am still on the emotional end of it, not as much but still there. Plus God, angels, spirit guides and master teaches to help and guide me.

Monday on Labor Day I called around and found one place with an opening. Eddie and I went down there and spent almost 2 hours with Jaswir. (She said I was the first one to pronounce it properly. She goes by Jas) This is a double wide manufactured home that has room for 6 people. The room Mom would share is what used to be the master suite, so it is larger and has a bigger closet, and a bath they both share. Her room mate is a woman with Dementia, though quite articulate and friendly. The other woman seem to be at about the same level of function as Mom and they interact with each other. They eat together and there is a covered back porch as well as a nice area in the front they like to sit – Jas said they love to be outside when it is sunny. I had a better feeling about this home and arranged for Kathy to come and see it with us yesterday. I was pleased that she liked what she saw and when she talked to Jas – she can see and notice things that I don’t know to ask. So today Jas is going to meet Mom at the Center and assess her level of function and the Providence records. She has worked with them before and knows Mom’s doctor, Kathy thinks that is a real plus. So I am hoping they can reach an agreement.

This is where I really have to let go and put it in God’s hands – this or something better. I am not anxious to go calling any more, but I willing to do it if it is necessary. Yesterday was attorney and mortgage day – we talked to Dave and Tom to see the options for the house and what will work for us. No decision but now we are checking to see if refinancing with a loan of our own and some extra to fix it up is in our budget. Brad came by and we explained what we are thinking of doing, he will now give us and estimate and see how that fits with a loan with a reasonable monthly payment.

I want the whole things settled right now, but it is a time of constant patience because so much of it depends on other people doing their job. It is hard to be patient, I’m doing my best. This has been a time of learning and growing – not always a comfortable process. I have been learning about myself as well as about Dementia; it seems to be more clear at times when I look back at what has just happened. I am realizing a lot of childhood programs and triggers, plus seeing how I have been influenced in my adult years with out realizing it. Now it seems as if I am growing stronger and more adult as Mom diminishes and is weaker. She has always been a very strong influence on my, maybe when she is gone I can finally be myself. That is what my friend Kathie Brodie found after her mom died. The other important things she learned what what her mom was teaching her – it was never clear and when she talked to another friend who talks to angels, she finally understood. It was her aunt who said she could now be herself.

It truly has been an uncomfortable time, that means I have been and am growing, stretching and learning. Truly out of my comfort zone. Several friends have told me that I will be glad I was here for my Mom. that I will have no regrets. I admit I regret I have not been as patient as I wanted to be, it has been hard to be with her as a friend – I am hoping when she is settled in her new home that we can have a more enjoyable relationship.

Tags: adult family home, dementia, emotions, Mother, The Universe
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Someone’s Life In My Hands

September 2, 2012

It is scary to realize I have to decide the direction my Mom’s life will take. It is a big responsibility and I want to do what is best for her and for us. My biggest fear is making the wrong decision about what adult family home will be her new home – I know it has to be done and I am looking for the place that is the right fit for her.

The program I enrolled her in at Providence has done a great job of providing so much – a day center to interact with other people, all her medical care, supplies, help in finding a place for her, pharmacy – it is a great program. I have gone to see three adult family homes, the first was okay but had a lot of drawbacks even though the owner is known for her patience and good care of dementia patients. The second is a good potential place, still some questions to answer. The third was okay but a bit far out from us and not quite as nice as the second. However, the woman who owns it is good with dementia patients where the second is a somewhat unknown quantity. But I need to look at others and let’s face, labor Day weekend is a bit difficult to find people home. I have looked through the list and made notes, so I now have to at least drive by and see how they look. Some have a picture of the front, but not necessarily very clear or angled for a proper look. I also used the satellite photos as well, I could see fairly close and tell if they have a back yard, how big the house is, etc.

This all makes me very uncomfortable, I know being uncomfortable means out of my comfort zone, stretching and learning; I’ll be honest, I would rather have someone else do it. But it is my responsibility and I need to make sure it works for Mom. I feel as if I am between a rock and hard place – it’s getting very difficult to have her living here but it is difficult to work on the process of finding her a place to live. I get that tickle of fear in my stomach and want to be anywhere but here. Yet I know God has already created a solution that works and I am working on letting go and allowing the solution to emerge. It isn’t easy because I keep obsessing about the whole thing because I don’t want to “get it wrong”. I feel sharp pains on my left side from my spastic colitis as I think about what to do and where is best.

My life would be a lot easier and less stressful with Mom in an adult family home. I can’t give her the care she needs and to be honest, I don’t have any patience left. I have to cancel my life to accommodate her or to do the things that are necessary – doesn’t leave much time for my life. My business is down the tube because of it – though the broken hip didn’t help either. She goes to the Center 4 days a week, but that doesn’t leave me a whole lot of time to do much. And if she isn’t ready for the van, as happened last week, I had to take her over – there went my day alone because I also needed to talk to the social worker. By the time I got home, I only had time for a nap.

I am at the end of my energy, I am tired physically all the time and as for mentally and emotionally, I am so weary and getting close to the end of my rope. It is very energy and time consuming even with care givers here, I couldn’t do it without then. I tell them every time how much I appreciate what they do and thank them for being here – I also had quite an education when I was in rehab. I told all the caregivers thank you and how much I appreciate every thing they do. After a bit I would ask if they were tired of hearing me say it; most often they said they weren’t tired of hearing it, it made up for those who never said anything.

I have started reading a book called “Contented Dementia”, recommended to me by my caregiver counselor. Yes, I have one and we met last Wednesday. I have seen her several times, her job is to be there for me and help me understand what is happening as well as solutions to situations I don’t know how to handle. She thought this book would help me especially in understanding more about what is going on as well as how to answer some of those questions Mom asks and I don’t know how to respond. Lately, Mom has asked about my Dad and was really upset and unhappy when I told he was gone – it was as if she had not heard the news before. Wow! does that make me feel terrible! She now asks where her parents are, so I am learning to say they are here. If she asks where they are, I tell her they a far away. She has asked me where my mother is – the first time I told her she is my mother. You would have thought I had hit with a cattle prod because she looked so shocked. Now I have learned to say my mother is at home. If Mom asks where, I just say she lives close by.

Every day is different and I wonder what the day will bring – something funny, a question I don’t know how to answer, her stubbornness and refusal to take a shower or change her clothes or not wanting to go to the Center. All I want is some peace and quiet.

Tags: adult family home, dementia, God, Health, Home care
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An “Interesting” Week

September 1, 2012

It has been one of those weeks when all I wanted to do is whinge – that’s why you haven’t seen a blog post from me. I need to keep my promise of a no whinge zone. Life has certainly been interesting lately, it feels so much better to come out of the tunnel than being stuck in the middle with no light in the distance. The drug study I was on was a real trip – I usually don’t get such bad side effects from drugs, but for some reason my body was not happy with the whole thing. The frustrating part was finding that it was beginning to help, but side effects that made me so miserable weren’t worth the trade off. I think I am almost back to normal- though now instead of diarrhea, I am constipated. Well, at the momentI I can deal with that.

The group doing the drug study is really great, they were really sorry I had so much trouble with the drug. The only part I will miss is seeing my “friends” there, that’s how I have come to feel about them. We kid around and I give Chris a hard time when he comes to draw blood – many tubes of blood! I tell him he looks too eager when comes into the room, that I see through his sweet Southern boy “Aw Shucks” act. He actually does a very good job, I hardly feel it. Apparently I run like a faucet, so they don’t have trouble collecting blood for their tubes. I have one more visit and I am done – last exit visit.

They have another study for another drug, they gave me information about it. I read through it and it made me uneasy – so much more blood work and 4 visits where I have to stay 6 hours. At this point I can’t stay that long and it doesn’t appeal to me. Doing the blood monitoring was no big deal, but this sounds a bit more than I am willing to do. I’ll bet that is the one with a shoe box full of tubes instead of box about a third the size for the one I did. They were very understanding when I declined, it didn’t really surprise them.

I went to see my rheumatologist last Thursday, it’s been 6 months since I have seen her. So Jenn, her nurse, asked me if there have been any changes, so I told her about my broken hip. Turns out they know my surgeon as well. The doc gave me two bits of information I didn’t want to hear – a broken bone doesn’t work as well as if did before the break and 70% of people who break a bone, break another within two years. I have decided I am in the 30% that didn’t. She was also delighted to hear I am on Medicare, now I can qualify for the biologic drug she has been wanting to put me on for 10 years. So she is going to check to see if it it will work to cover the cost.

I am happy to say I am beginning to sleep at night again, no more gas and bloating or upset stomach where I have to drink baking soda and water to help relieve it. I have been so all mighty tired this last week or more, I kept falling asleep in the chair while Judge Judy was on. I had a 2 hour nap on Tuesday because I was so beat – it helped some but at least now I am doing better at this moment.

I had my first Tai Chi lesson last Sunday while Eddie was at the Museum of Flight. We met in Des Moines at a small grassy area near the pier – not as quiet as I thought it would be. But I just decided I was going to work on it and if people thought we were a bit nuts, that was their perception. The first 15 minutes or so was some explanation, then he taught me the “Preparation”. It is the warm up to the form. I have to admit, the warm up is a bit like patting the stomach and tapping your head. I don’t know if I have quite gotten it, but Ron said even if I get wrong, it will still give me benefit. For the last few minutes he taught me the beginning of the form, two sets of movements. It looks easy but not as easy as I thought. So I have something to practice and I may do another lesson next Sunday on his day at the Museum. Not sure what I will do long term.

Yesterday I did something for me, I spent the day with my friend Charlotte. We met at University Village and wandered around Paper Source because we both like it and found some wonderful things. Then we had lunch at Blue C Sushi – what a busy place! The Friday before labor Day weekend is probably not the best time to go because we both had to twirl around the parking lot to find an open parking space. It was a lovely day in the 70;s and we talked non-stop about everything but what is worrying each of us. It was a great break for me and for her.

Nothing earth shaking happened, it was just an upsetting and difficult week or more and I didn’t want to unload on you. I ran across this cartoon and thought it really made a very pithy point.

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Dragging My Ass

August 24, 2012

Since I promised there would be no whingeing, I will just say that the last couple of days have been a try low point for me – not quite sure what is going on. I do know the side effects of the drug in the study really wiped me out and I am no longer taking the drug. Still another exit interview next week before I am done. The frustrating part was I noticed improvement in some things and they told me Wednesday my Sed rate had been going down. Must not be right for me.

I called my friend Carol today to see if she could meet me for lunch, think goodness she was. Turns out she was having a crappy day and meeting for lunch got both of us out of our jammies. I could have stayed at home, maybe had a good cry, but I didn’t want to do that – the thought of it made me feel low. So lunch with Carol was fun and we both feel better.

Something else to make one smile – cats. I ran across this on the web somewhere that shows cats just at the optimum moment when a camera was around. Some are funny, some are amazing and cats always make me smile.

This one looks as if he had been shot out of a cannon!

Does he realize he is going in?

Play time is different for everyone. Bet he is sure it’s a home run!

Nackered by a computer mouse!

There are no strings or devices – it’s pure magic.

One last one – who is more surprised!

I knew the cats would help me smile and laugh. I would rather show these than write about all my feelings of “oh-poor-me-osis” today. My massage therapist just lost her mother on Wednesday – she died of cancer. It was expected but I think it may still have been a shock when it happened. I called her today to let her know I am sending her very special Lee hugs and anytime she needs one, it will be there for her.

Last night when I went to be, I decided to feel the feelings, be willing to accept that was how I felt in the moment and then let it go. I also asked for an attitude overhaul. The one thing that surprised me yesterday afternoon when this depression hit – I was thinking all these negative thoughts. Then I stopped myself and knew it wasn’t true. Yes, it was how I felt at that moment, but it isn’t the truth of my life or myself – that is new for me.

Enjoy the cats!

Tags: cats
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“Hey Up Lee! Put On Your Listening Ears!”

August 19, 2012

Life has been most uncomfortable this past week – although it is a double blind drug study, I think I have been taking the drug. I doubt a placebo would give me headache, upset stomach, gas, bloating, cramps and constant diarrhea. It has intensified this past week, the first two weeks were a symptom or two at a time. I will be honest, I have been miserable and drag my ass tired because I have been afraid to go to sleep and then have an accident in the bed. Most of the time it has been right after dinner when everything starts, during the day it has been okay except for headache and gas. Enough of that!

Since Saturday I have been having a lot of side effects from the drug study – I figure I have the drug because no placebo would do this to me. It gives me headaches, upset stomach, bloating, gas, cramps and diarrhea. In the beginning it was a bit here and there, but Saturday early morning it was intensified. I felt as if I had a migraine and it upset my stomach and it always seems right after dinner when the diarrhea starts. I called Carey on Monday to let her know and she suggested stopping the drug for a couple of days. So I did, but it didn’t make any difference, neither did the Imodium. I started it again Wednesday night and it seemed to make everything even worse. So I have reached my limit – this is a deal breaker. I don’t like quitting something I promised to do, but my body is telling me she is not happy and to stop already! I will call Carey this morning and see if she wants me to continue on the week of blood pressure monitoring and then bring the equipment back on Tuesday. I am disappointed because I was beginning to notice some improvements, but not enough to offset the side effects. They did tell me they have other studies, so who knows what else may be in store.

Since all of that was going on, I wasn’t sleeping very well, scared I would have an accident in bed isn’t conducive to sound sleep. Wednesday morning I went to my breakfast group and then to the eye doctor. I have the beginning of cataracts and they want to keep an ye on them – so far they are developing very slowly, so I am not going to have to have surgery yet. by the time I was finished, I was so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open. I came home and went to bed, slept with Bunny for 2 1/2 hours and still didn’t feel rested – but it was better. Yesterday I was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open and was ready for bed at 8:30 – only to find myself making 6 – 8 trips to the bathroom. Guess who was wide awake? I sat in my office chair for 2 hours, going in and out of sleep until after midnight. I finally felt I could go to bed and I would be okay.

The interesting things about it is for the the first time I started thinking about this whole thing in terms of my body. I have different drugs for RA but this the first time I have had such difficult side effects. Now I am wondering if my body is telling me something (Get a clue Lee!). I remembering thinking I wished it wasn’t a drug but I was elated to notice some benefits, so I forgot about those thoughts. However, it has taken quite a lot to finally get my attention. I was telling Debye about it when I had my massage on Thursday and she told me to check in with my body and then decide if this is for you. I haven’t been doing that, I just want the RA gone but not examine the consequences. I have also become more aware in the last few months and years, now I am learning a new way to see things and at times I feel I am a very slow learner. This has certainly given me an education – an advanced course – in listen to body, mind and spirit more.

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I’m In Need Of Some Encouragement

August 14, 2012

I checked out my new source of encouragement again because it has not been the most comfortable weekend. I think I actually have the study drug because I have been having very uncomfortable side effects this weekend. So I have been feeling down and a bit sorry for myself. So I found some really great things from Calming Your Inner Storm

I have been feeling less than beautiful and attractive lately, so this was a wonderful way to view myself

Then I saw this one

This one rather suits my mood

And when I think about my current situation, this helps

When I get scared, I need to remember

There are those times when I suffer from foot-in-mouth syndrome because I say what I am thinking

A little humor goes a long way for me

I am feeling better now.

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Farther Into The Thin Places

August 12, 2012

Yesterday morning when my Mom got up, she asked me who she is. It happened a couple of weeks ago and it really surprised me. I know she doesn’t always know who I am, but she has always known who she was. She is the most confused in the morning when she wakes up; later in the morning it is better but not always. The other thing she said was she didn’t think she was in the right place – where the right place I have no clue. I told this is her place right now and after going through a couple of times, she seemed okay. At least she didn’t do her “never mind, forget it” routine. There have been days when she seems to have one foot in this world and one in the next world, what my sister Candy calls the thin places. Every day Mom goes more and more into the thin places – she wants so much to be on the other side with Dad, Josie the cat and her family – she is scared they really aren’t there. My friend Monty told me they are preparing a place for Mom and because she will be confused at the beginning, she will have guides to help her through the transition. I have told her this, she wants to believe it so much but I don’t know what scares her so much.

I have watched this very independent (and stubborn) woman become so tentative and afraid, asking permission to do anything. She once said she used up all her courage to fly from Connecticut to California to marry my Dad right after Pearl Harbor. I wonder if that was really true. What I also realize is that is one of my childhood programs. We were always taught to ask permission first before doing anything – except my younger sister was the one who at time would announce she had done such and so. Where did that come from? How did I miss that? I definitely was brought up to be a good girl, follow the rules, ask permission, etc. No wonder I have had a hard time trusting myself and following my heart. I didn’t listen to my heart because it was different from what I learned at home. Let’s face it, I wanted to be accepted, acceptable while not having the courage of my convictions. Ye Gods & Little Fishes! At 65 I am still that way in some things but I am breaking out of my shell and taking risks. Well, risks for me.

I also notice how negative Mom has become. She doubts everything and is convinced the worst possible scenario will come to pass. She just left for a walk with the new caregiver and I said she didn’t need to take the house key, that I would be here and the house would be open. She doesn’t think so. Not sure what she thinks will happen but I suspect having the door key makes her feel more secure. I am not going to try to persuade her to leave the key here, it isn’t going to make a difference but she will feel better having it. I have grown up with that negativity from the time I can remember, but it has intensified so much the past few years. I really see now how much I have absorbed that thinking for most of my life, now I am finally much more aware and recognize more often. No, it’s isn’t all the time but I have also changed my thinking. In the morning before I get out of bed, I thank and give gratitude to God, my Spirit Guides, Angels and Master Teachers for all I have been blessed with – comfortable and uncomfortable. I will admit it isn’t whole-hearted yet – those uncomfortable ones aren’t quite there yet. I am a work in progress.

I also notice Mom tends to mumble and talk about things that make no sense, not even sure they make sense to her. More and more I don’t know what she is trying to say, only that she gets frustrated and upset she can’t get the words out. Then she goes straight to “never mind, it doesn’t matter!”. She talks about other people in the house, I don’t know if they live here or just visit or if she sees them or only senses them. She is confused a lot about who I am, yesterday she thought I was her sister. She thinks Eddie is her father, my father, her husband – I wonder if it is because he is the only male she sees consistently.

I often wonder where my Mom is and who is this confused and scared woman living with us. She looks like Mom but not much resemblance other than that.

Tags: angels, dementia, God, Master Teachers, Mother, spirit guides
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Squirrel Wheel Week – Part 2

August 7, 2012

Doing stuff for Mom was not the only thing I worked on the last 2 weeks. I signed up for the drug study for Rheumatoid Arthritis – a lot more stuff to do than I realized. since they are doing it to monitor blood pressure, I have had a lot of blood pressure reading taken in several forms. I have them at the doc’s office, then they sent me home with a blood pressure monitor and cuff, plus a modem. I was to do my blood pressure twice, one minute apart in the morning and again at night. The modem sends it directly to the group who does the monitoring. Except it turned out the modem wasn’t working. So Carey ordered a new one and we met halfway between to exchange them. The following week I took the equipment back and had to do a 24 hour blood pressure monitoring – even 20 minutes. So I had the cuff on my left arm, a belt with the monitor in a pouch. This was about 10 in the morning, so it would be the following morning at 10 before I could take it off. An interesting experience. I didn’t really have much to do that day, so I came home and worked on things here. If I was standing when the little beep went off, I had to sit down and wait for it to do its thing. I will admit, I didn’t get much sleep that night, though after 10 pm the beep was silent until 6 am. I went to Breakfast Club with it, amid questions. The real bummer was having to fast until I went to the doc – I knew there were more blood tests coming. I was pleased that Brandy made a breakfast to go for me, I was going need some protein when I was finished. After all the stuff Carey had to do, time was marching on – but I finally was given the drug. They are bright turquoise caplets – not quite football shaped. I took two then and then it is two twice a day for the study. I didn’t think it would take so long and I ended up late for Mom’s evaluation. Fortunately Kathy was there and I made it in time to talk to Linda before she left.

I went back again last week with my pill bottle – seemed a shame to get rid of them when I hadn’t used more than half a bottle. Carey ended up giving it back to me for this week. She also had me doing the blood pressure twice a day again, tonight is the last one. I will take it back to her tomorrow and see what else she has in store for me. I am not sure if I notice anything yet because there have been so many other things I have had to deal with that I haven’t really thought about it. Mostly they are checking to see if the rise in blood pressure they have noticed in other studies will affect someone whose blood pressure is steady. If so, they will have to make adjustments.

In the middle of all the other stuff, I was asked to do the 5 minute presentation on short notice, so I said I would. Of course I had to do a self promo to give away – short notice self promos don’t always work out the way one expects. I had seen a great idea using a prescription bottle with a really cool label, then filled with breath mints. I didn’t have time to order the prescription bottles so I looked around and found some cool blue glass bottles. They looked great when I put the label on – but the M&M’s were too big for the mouth of the jar. So I found some Smarties that came in rolls, I figured two rolls would fill the bottle. They went into the mouth go the bottle but the neck was too narrow. I almost didn’t do the promo, then decided it was a good example of last-minute projects and why lead time is important. I took two rolls of Smarties and taped them together, so they received a bottle and a set of 2 rolls. Also my topic about follow up went pretty well but I ran out of time – good thing I had a handout.

To add to all of the other things, I bought a new Mac and an iPad. I took my old one in to do a data transfer after I had bought an external hard drive to back everything up in case there was a problem with the data transfer. I used Eddie’s laptop while mine was at Apple, I certainly missed it! Now I have it back and it is working out pretty well, just some things I don’t know how to get working. I bought the One to One for a year, now I have to figure out when I can go in for my hour once a week. I feel as if I have been going at a dead run, but I accomplished everything I was scrambling to do. I pat myself on the back for that.

I’m sure I have forgotten some things, they will probably come back to me at some point. Oh, to add to the “I swear, there is a funny side”, Mom asked me the other morning when I was about to pour her coffee – “Are sure it is legal for you to do this?” I told her of course, I don’t serve anything illegal here. The big “They” lost that one.

Tags: Blood pressure, Conditions and Diseases
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

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