“Hey Up Lee! Put On Your Listening Ears!”

Life has been most uncomfortable this past week – although it is a double blind drug study, I think I have been taking the drug.  I doubt a placebo would give me headache, upset stomach, gas, bloating, cramps and constant diarrhea.  It has intensified this past week, the first two weeks were a symptom or two at a time.    I will be honest, I have been miserable and drag my ass tired because I have been afraid to go to sleep and then have an accident in the bed.  Most of the time it has been right after dinner when everything starts, during the day it has been okay except for headache and gas.  Enough of that!

  Since Saturday I have been having a lot of side effects from the drug study – I figure I have the drug because no placebo would do this to me.  It gives me headaches, upset stomach, bloating, gas,  cramps and diarrhea.   In the beginning it was a bit here and there, but Saturday early morning it was intensified.  I felt as if I had a migraine and it upset my stomach and it always seems right after dinner when the diarrhea starts.  I called Carey on Monday to let her know and she suggested stopping the drug for a couple of days.  So I did, but it didn’t make any difference, neither did the Imodium.  I started it again Wednesday night and it seemed to make everything even worse.  So I have reached my limit – this is a deal breaker.  I don’t like quitting something I promised to do, but my body is telling me she is not happy and to stop already!  I will call Carey this morning and see if she wants me to continue on the week of blood pressure monitoring and then bring the equipment back on Tuesday.  I am disappointed because I was beginning to notice some improvements, but not enough to offset the side effects.  They did tell me they have other studies, so who knows what else may be in store.

Since all of that was going on, I wasn’t sleeping very well, scared I would have an accident in bed isn’t conducive to sound sleep.  Wednesday morning I went to my breakfast group and then to the eye doctor.  I have  the beginning of cataracts and they want to keep an ye on them – so far they are developing very slowly, so I am not going to have to have surgery yet.  by the time I was finished, I was so tired I could hardly  keep my eyes open.  I came home and went to bed, slept with Bunny for 2 1/2 hours and still didn’t feel rested – but it was better.  Yesterday I was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open and was ready for bed at 8:30 – only to find myself making 6 – 8 trips to the bathroom.  Guess who was wide awake?  I sat in my office chair for 2 hours, going in and out of sleep until after midnight.  I finally felt I could go to bed and I would be okay.

The interesting things about it is for the the first time I started thinking about this whole thing in terms of my body.  I have different drugs for RA but this the first time I have had such difficult side effects.  Now I am wondering if my body is telling me something (Get a clue Lee!).  I remembering thinking I wished it wasn’t a drug but I was elated to notice some benefits, so I forgot about those thoughts.  However, it has taken quite a lot to finally get my attention.  I was telling Debye about it when I had my massage on Thursday and she told me to check in with my body and then decide if this is for you.  I haven’t been doing that, I just want the RA gone but not examine the consequences.  I have also become more aware in the last few months and years, now I am learning a new way to see things and at times I feel I am a very slow learner.  This has certainly given me an education – an advanced course – in listen to body, mind and spirit more.

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