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What Is Stubborn?

February 21, 2013

This is the post I have been working on since Feb 10th – In many ways it still feels as if it is still a work in progress. Isn’t that Life after all?

I ask the question because I have been reading Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” and many of the things I am looking at have stubborn as the cause. I don’t think of myself as stubborn – I check the dictionary and it says: Having or showing dogged determination not to change one’s attitude or position on something, esp. in spite of good arguments or reasons… Now is that really me? Let’s face it, I feel as if I have spent my whole life doing what others wanted, not always willingly or with good grace.

Am I really stubborn?

However, the more I have thought about it, the more I wonder if it has to do with seeing myself as a victim – of RA, other people, circumstances, etc. I have finally realized and understood that I have always felt I was an innocent victim sideswiped by RA for no reason – not quite accepted it or willing to admit it out loud much. I have felt helpless and powerless a lot of my life because I now realize I gave my power away. Who knew I had power? What a revelation! However, that victimhood belief has been in there for over 6 decades, going to take a while to dislodge and clear it out. If not now, when?

In looking at just one entry for knee problems, she writes it is “Stubborn ego and pride. Inability to bend. Fear. Inflexibility. Won’t give in.” I have been thinking I am not quite willing yet to actually give up being a victim – much too comfortable and familiar at this point. Then I have to ask myself “What would happen if I did let it go?”. That would be a radical attitude overhaul. Then what would I replace it with as a positive attitude? I have been in this same mentality for a long time, I am now on autopilot. It takes a conscious effort to say “Thanks for sharing ego, I choose something different”.

I am getting better at noticing when ego pops in with her 2 cents worth, I hadn’t recognized before or even understood what was happening. I have held on to all the hurts, anger and resentment of things people “did to me” – hugging them to myself as proof of what a victim I am and how mean people have been to me. As Dr. Phil asks: “How’s that working for you?”. Not very well. I don’t like feeling like a victim any more, it is too much of a powerless feeling now. The curse of being a good girl, following the rules and doing what I’m told. It is hard to break out of that at the moment, it is getting better and I am more often I have to look this one up as well able to do and say what I want.

So holding on to victimhood, all the hurts, anger and resentments – is that where I am stubborn? Or not loving myself in spite of all the evidence to the contrary? Looking at things from the negative view rather than the positive? At this point I am not sure if there is one definitive answer or a series of different answers. I am certainly open to any ideas or opinions to help clarify it. I have probably gotten too close to it and overanalyzing again. Maybe if I go take my shower and get dressed, it will seem clearer to me.

UPDATE

It is now 10 days later and it isn’t very clear yet. I also got a message about being inflexible – another word from Louise Hay – I don’t quite see how I am inflexible. It feels as if most of my life I have had to put my life on hold, cancel things or postpone because I had to do something for someone else. Wouldn’t being inflexible mean I do my thing before I do anything for anyone else? I have to go look this one up as well:

Not willing to change ideas, beliefs or decisions – Something or someone who is inflexible cannot or will not change or be altered, even if the situation changes. Does not bend.

Inflexible? Don’t be ridiculous!

Hmm, I keep thinking that doesn’t sound like me – I feel as if I am easily persuaded and let people talk me into something. When I know that I know something but I allow someone to talk me into something, I kick myself for not listening to my higher self. There are many times when I don’t trust my higher self, that I still look to others for validation instead of from inside myself.

I suspect that both terms have more to do with my beliefs about myself than anything else. I was hoping that as I thought about this and wrote about it, I would have a better idea what is happening so I can clear any negative energy and understand better. I suspect I will have to put it back on the back burner again and check back in a while. I would be open to any ideas or explanations. I suspect I am still too close to it to be objective.

Tags:Dr. Phil, Health, infexible, Louise Hay, stubborn, victim, victimhood, YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE
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Is It Pain?

January 27, 2013

Interesting day Friday. I went up with my other half at o dark 30 because my friend Char was having a birthday lunch in Edmonds and it seemed silly to take two cars up the same direction. I stayed at the Future of Flight until about 9:30 – I found my little terrace upstairs by the entrance to the Stratodeck – almost said hollow deck. It is warm and plenty of light plus fairly quiet. I read my book because my hands, wrist and shoulders have been very uncomfortable because I have spent a lot of time on the computer working on my blogs. I have giftofra.com and now I made a new one called catlessinseattle.com – one is about finding the gift in Rheumatoid Arthritis and the other is about cats. I planned to write about my two cats Muffet and Tiger, about my Mom’s cat Josephine and also about a friend’s cat Subaru.

It was probably a good day to up north so I wouldn’t be writing on my blog or using the computer very much. I went to three stores and walked quite a bit – oh were my knees, ankles and feet sore and uncomfortable. I was glad to sit in the car for a while. I was really stiff when I got to the restaurant, but I had a different thought about it. I had been listening to Dr. Pat and she had some people on who are doing a 5 day workshop – running the bars and then other things for the other 4 days. I would love to go, unfortunately it is a bit spendy .

One of the people talking was Ricky Williams, a well-known football player who talked about when he was playing. He would be in pain in practice as well as playing, so he was taking pain killers a lot of the time. What he finally realized was that he labeled it pain, locking in the idea that it is pain. It was the idea that “I have pain, what can I do to get rid of it” thinking. Then he changed is thinking to “What is my body telling me it needs?”. Pain is your unwillingness to listen to your body. Words are powerful and thinking in terms of intensity of change which you asked it to do, your body is stretching, changing and elongating to create what you asked it to do.

So I thought about that as I was driving to Edmonds to meet Char and Joyce. I had to concentrate because I have spent the last 42 years thinking “Pain, how do I get rid of it” and certainly feeling a victim and many cases of oh-poor-me-osis. Now I realize I have implanted in my mind. Takes some getting used to, so now I realize I have not been listening to my body at all. I will admit I was very uncomfortable all day and evening, sometimes a new way of thinking takes some time.

I had gone up with Eddie and I was glad he was driving, I think I slept most of the way home.

I had a lovely time with Char and Joyce – though I still let Char know she is a year older than I am. Actually, for 13 days we are same age. That’s only because I went to school a year earlier that every one else when we moved to Seattle. Mom and Dad say that I made so much fuss when I saw Ellen go on the bus to school to see where she went, they finally allowed me to go to. Everyone in my graduating class was a year older. But I would have missed out in knowing Char in 9th grade. Who knows how my life would have gone if I had been in school with people my own age.

Yesterday I was amazed at how well I felt – not much discomfort, though walking through a couple of stores did make my legs hurt a bit. I will admit to taking an extra prednisone when we had dinner, plus some Advil before bed. I had wondered how I would be today because usually the second day is the worst. A little stiff but otherwise doing rather well.

Since I didn’t visit Mom on Friday afternoon, I went yesterday while Eddie was doing the laundry. She was doing pretty well, she said Elizabeth called earlier. When I was talking to Judy, she said she calls everyone Elizabeth. Interesting because that is my legal name. Yet on Tuesday she wanted to introduce me to Judy and said I was her cousin Betty. I have finally realized correcting her just agitates her and it really doesn’t matter. So for a bit I was Betty.

Tags:Health, Muffet, rheumatoid arthritis, Ricky Williams, Seattle, Thought
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Is It A Merry-Go-Round Or A Roller Coaster?

January 14, 2013

I went to see my Mom twice last week, she seems a bit more alert – wonder if the med is kicking in slowly. I brought an apple and cranberry pie for the house. I noticed that was mostly what Mom talked about for the rest of the visit. They were going to have for dessert at dinner. She was very pleased and ready to eat it right that minute. When I saw her on Friday afternoon, I asked her about the pie – she said she hadn’t gotten any yet. The others said they really enjoyed it and I suspect Mom did too, she just didn’t retain the memory. NOTE TO SELF: Don’t ask her about things that happened a short while ago, she probably won’t remember and will go into wanting apple pie. Once she has fixated on something, she worries it like a dog with a bone – almost an obsession.

She keeps asking about her parents – what do I know about them – and then she remembers they aren’t here. I usually tell her they are watching over her and preparing a place for her when her time comes. She will ask several times and Judy said she asks her a lot about them – it feels as if she has a loop playing in her mind about them and also about leaving. So far when she says she wants to leave, I tell her this is her home, this is where she waits for the train. It was an easier week visiting her, she likes the people and she says they are very good to her. It has been 3 months since she moved there, I know it was big adjustment for her, though no idea how it felt to her.

This is the roller coaster part of the equation – up and down, not knowing what happening with her or what is best for her. I am still a little uneasy and uncertain making decisions for some one else, especially the person who took care of me as I was growing up.

I am glad to say I am nearly at the finish line for Medicaid. We had to spend down to $2000, not a penny more. I bought almost $500 worth of clothes, though I will take them to her slowly since she doesn’t have a lot of room in her closet or drawers. Then we went over to the cremation place and spent $1400 there – all suggests from the case worker. She has been so kind and easy to work with, government isn’t usually like that. The only paperwork left is her latest checking account statement that closes on the 19th. I think she is approved to start February 1st – if we wait until March 1st, I have to jump through all the hoops again. Believe me, I do not want to do it again! According to Eddie’s calculations after we were at the cremation place, there is about $70 left, so I may go and buy her some lotions.

It has been hard spending down her money because Providence takes care of almost everything. It will be interesting to see how it all works when the 1st rolls around. It is scary having only $2000 in her account, we are very cautious about our checking account, we like to have a large cushion. Eddie has been doing Mom’s checking account for 2 or 3 years and he treats it like ours. So not having much of a cushion makes both of us uneasy. I keep telling myself that because Providence takes care os so much, if something happens, they are likely the ones to take care of it.

This is the merry-go-round part – endless forms, sending things in only to have more questions and requests. I will say that the case worker has made it much easier than some who work in government. It has also been and education and an eye opener. However, it is difficult for anyone having go through this experience. I’m not sure I want to know what the next is that is coming.

Tags:Apple pie, dementia, Medicaid, Parents
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Have I Found My Voice?

January 6, 2013

From a purely physical, practical and right now this minute perspective, I now have my voice back after losing it due to flu. There is also finding my voice to ask for what I want, say my truth (this requires a post by itself) and not allow anyone to walk all over me – take back my power. But in this instance, it is my voice in my writing. I honestly don’t know if I have found my voice, I just write what I am thinking and feeling, what has been happening in my life at the time or what sparks my fancy. I started out writing about RA and finding the gift in it; then the last year or so I have written about dealing with my Mom’s dementia and how I have felt about it.

What has been very gratifying is the likes and comments about blog posts, as well as seeing there are 21 people following my blog – I treasure all of you for that. I have also found other blogs that intrigue me and where I find information, humor and some have the most gorgeous photos I’ve ever seen. So many wonderful and talented people out there doing amazing work. Thank You to all of you.

I started thinking about my writing voice because my younger sister sent me a book for Christmas called “If You Want To Write”, by Brenda Ueland. Brenda talks about the students in her classes who had a lot of trouble writing because they thought it had to be a certain way. When she asked them to write about a childhood experience, she was amazed at how different and wonderful their pieces were.

I have not really been able to imagine a character and a situation to write fiction, I enjoy writing about experiences and people I know – I think I have been more cut out to write essays like Andy Rooney than a novel like Clive Cussler or D.E Stevens who wrote nice English stories. I find I don’t want to have to follow rules, just write what I want in the way I want.

Some days the blog post just comes out with no effort, I get lost in the writing and sometimes figuring out what came first so it is in sequence. Sometimes I write, like this post, with an idea but I keep stopping to think what will come next. I happened to look at the related articles and read through this one from KJ. She writes well and put into words some of what is going through my mind.

Finding my voice (chrysalisjourney.wordpress.com)

Now, if I have found my voice, can I describe it in words? Not really, but then I may be too close to it to be objective. I tend to do that with so many things. Is it necessary to describe it? I wonder because if I did or could would that change everything and I would lose what I have? My writing is very personal and I do inject myself in it. Sometimes I find something occurs to me when I am talking and of course say it – sometimes I make people laugh. It is just that things just pop into my head and I talk without thinking. Sometimes I think something is funny and I am the only laughing – well, at least one person saw the humor.

I have a tendency to say what I am thinking – unfortunately there are times when it doesn’t come out the way I mean it. The minute I realize it, I usually say “Oops, move over foot, here comes the other!”. Or “Oh dear, that didn’t come out the way I meant it!”. My writing is like that sometimes, I certainly hope I don’t offend people. I also know if I worry about whether people will like the post and what I writing about, I could drive myself crazy. Most likely never write a post again.

This is one of those posts I am struggling with a bit, I wonder if I have really gotten to the point or not.

I have just read what I have written and it isn’t as choppy and disjointed as I thought. However, I may be better stopping while I am still ahead. I appreciate any comments anyone might have.

Tags:Blog, voice, writer, Writing
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Ever Had One of Those Weeks?

October 13, 2012

Unfortunately this is very short because I am so exhausted and wiped out. It is better today but Thursday when Kathy and I packed up Mom’s things to take to the adult family home. It actually went quite well, but when I was done, I could barely see straight I was so tired. Plus I hadn’t had time for lunch. I thought I would sleep well that night, but I didn’t. Friday I went with Eddie and spent the day at the spa – soaking and relaxing while trying not to fall asleep. I did sleep better last night but I still want to curl up and sleep right now.

When I am more rested and feel human again, I will write more details. Didi did call me yesterday afternoon to say Mom is doing quite well, she has some adjusting to do. So far, so good. I did talk to Mom and the one things she said to me was “Why didn’t you take me home yesterday?”. I told her that is her home now. Felt like a guilt trip and I am not boarding that bus!

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What Do I Believe About Myself?

February 19, 2012

I started this entry awhile ago, have come back to it 2 or 3 times and it still doesn’t feel quite right.

I saw this question a while back and I have been letting it simmer on the back burner for awhile. Some obvious answers are “I’m not good enough”; “I’m not worthy”;”I’m not eligible or qualified for the good things in life”. It’s a lot of how I have thought about myself for a long time. Yet it didn’t really feel quite “right”. This morning I was getting dressed to go to a networking breakfast and it popped into mind “I don’t believe there is anything special about me”. I have compared myself to other people and always found myself wanting. Trouble is, I am the only one who sees it that way. So where did this begin?

I am the middle child of three daughters – no doubt with all the usual middle child hang ups. My older sister is a wonderful artist; I have admired her all my life and wanted to be able to draw and paint the way she does. I tried but never measured up – my judgment rather than anyone else’s. My younger sister seemed to breeze through things, did so well with music and later on writing, having her books published. I never felt anything I did was all that special except when I did some creative things, more crafter than fine artist. I realize I have not given myself credit for things I have done because it seemed normal, what one does in the situation. When it comes to RA, I never realized I had a choice of whether I was going to deal with or not, I figured I had to go to the doctor, have it treated and live my life. It has been with me so long, I’ve done whatever I needed to do to get through the day, through the flare up, the medical procedures, creating a life around what I could do physically and somehow moving from one place to another, making a new life each time. It never seemed to be that big of an accomplishment, only what I had to do.

There have been times when I have had people tell me I have such a positive attitude – I wonder where that came from because so often I have been down, depressed, cranky and not much fun to be around. They also say they marvel that I am able to do so much with RA – why does it feel so minor to me? Where did I begin to discount myself, who I am and what I have accomplished?

I have been thinking about this post since I last wrote and I have realized I see myself as a result of other peoples’ comments and perceptions of me. Except I have only heard and taken in the negative bits – wonder why the positive ones didn’t come through as well or stronger. I also now understand that most of my feedback in childhood was more negative than positive – I know Mom was trying to protect all three of us girls in the only way she knew how. I often wonder what her childhood was like – she only talks about her aunts and uncles, grandparents, some about her parents – but not the details that would help me understand her better. When I asked her about them, what they were like, she would say they didn’t analyze everything back then. Or if she wasn’t willing to talk, she would just say “I don’t know”. She is a true Yankee New Englander, born and raised in Connecticut and not one to talk much about feelings. My Dad was more talkative, though he was closed-mouthed some about things too.

Now I have begun to realize I have been looking outside myself for validation all my life – I haven’t loved, accepted, approved or trusted myself. I can’t make my parents responsible for all of it – as an adult I have had choices, although I didn’t really realize it at the time. I just went on with what I had always known. I have to take responsibility for my adult choices all these year – yes, it is much easier to blame someone else and see myself as a victim. But I am not a victim even though ego wants me to continue that so she can be in control. I know I am a late bloomer, I didn’t realize it would take until my 60’s to begin to bloom. I am also learning I had to go through the last 65 years to be ready for this part of my life – still hard to grasp it has been perfect all the way through. Maybe it is because the definition of perfect has always been Make (something) completely free from faults or defects, satisfying all requirements and corresponding to an ideal standard or abstract concept. So now it is time to redefine perfect in terms of my life. I always felt I had to be perfect, do things perfectly, then beat myself up because I didn’t or couldn’t do or be perfect – an impossibility from the beginning. (That’s another blog post by itself!).

I will admit I am not really happy about this post, it doesn’t feel as if it flows and goes anywhere. But I will post it anyway and invite anyone to give me some feedback and suggestions to make it better. Or maybe I am just too close to it and need to step back from it and not stress about it. Not all blog posts are stellar.

Tags:Birth order, Health, perception, self belief
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What Are Boundaries?

November 13, 2011

The past few months I have been working on understanding boundaries, how that looks and feels for me. I have spent my life feeling as if I have no boundaries, that somehow I am not eligible or worthy enough to make them and enforce them. It seems everyone else has them and quickly lets one know when one or more have been crossed.

I checked out Wikipedia and found this:

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him- or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside those limits.

‘Personal boundaries define you as an individual. They are statements of what you will or won’t do, what you like and don’t like…how close someone can get to you’.

There are four types –

Soft – A person with soft boundaries merges with other people’s boundaries. Someone with a soft boundary is easily manipulated (I looked that one up and found it most interesting! Would make a good post for another time.)

Spongy – A person with spongy boundaries is like a combination of having soft and rigid boundaries. They permit less emotional contagion than soft boundaries but more than rigid. People with spongy boundaries are unsure of what to let in and what to keep out.

Rigid – A person with rigid boundaries is closed or walled off so nobody can get close to him/her either physically or emotionally. This is often the case if someone has been physically, emotionally, psychologically or sexually abused. Rigid boundaries can be selective which depend on time, place or circumstances and are usually based on a bad previous experience in a similar situation.

Flexible – This is the ideal. Similar to selective rigid boundaries but the person has more control. The person decides what to let in and what to keep out, is resistant to emotional contagion and manipulation and is difficult to exploit.

HMMMM. I can see I am in the soft category – not a pretty picture is it? At this point I don’t think I am completely soft, maybe working toward spongey or just soft/spongey and working my way to flexible. I would much rather skip rigid, reminds me too much of the recent occurrences of the term inflexible. That is another story.

The more I think about it, I do have certain boundaries instilled by my parents – integrity, honesty, respect for other people and their property, doing what I say I will do, being on time (bad case of train fever) not deliberately hurting people (I know only too well how that feels!) and of course, always following the rules. I was brought up to be a good girl – it has stood me in good stead a lot of times, but it has also has made it difficult to be creative and free. Yet, I have also been creative in spite of it, usually I have to really work at letting go of “how it is supposed to be or look”. I had no guidelines for writing my pain diary – what was I supposed to do? Well, I found clip art figures of front, back, left side and right side and pasted those in for each day – then drew on them where it hurt. Then I wrote out what the day was like and how I felt – not scientific, more narrative with personal comments. I showed it to the doc after few weeks – looking for approval I had “done it right”. It may not be scientific, it is certainly my journey and my feelings.

I just realized that not having boundaries works side by side with giving away my power. If I don’t value myself, decide what I will or will not allow people to do and be so anxious for approval/validation as well as have everyone like me. it isn’t any wonder I don’t know boundaries. I have begun to have much more confidence in myself – many people tell me I come across as very confident – which means I see myself as worthy of boundaries and respect. I am working through the confusion to have a clearer picture of how boundaries feel and how they look for me. I have noticed often over the years that when I have a picture in my mind of something, it finally makes sense to me. If I described that picture, it wouldn’t make sense to anyone else. That picture brings up my “I know that I know” – others may call it an AHA moment, it’s simply when I finally “get it”. I suspect there are some more pieces that need to be put into place, like putting a jigsaw puzzle together without a picture. A challenge but definitely doable.

I may not have the complete answer yet, but I am definitely making good progress toward my goal. let’s face it, I am a work in progress all around.

Tags:Emotion, Emotional contagion, Person, Personal boundaries
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Is this for real?

March 20, 2011

I have been seeing a commercial for a drug for RA and to be honest, it irritates the heck out of me. They have a picture of a woman in black and white, in a nearly bare room and she is sitting there with a hangdog look. The picture next to it is in full color with people and activity – the tagline is The life you live, the life you want to live. Then, because she took the drug, she gets up and walks into the second picture with different clothes and everything is in color and wonderful.

Give me a break! How many of us sit like a bump on a log all day long for years? Not me! Yes, I have days when I am not moving well and it takes some doing to move my tush and get dressed and go out to an appointment. But I have never felt my life was a drab, colorless existence – though it has had its moments. This ad bugs me because it is implied that you can’t do or be anything unless you take this drug. Who told this woman her life was over and she would have to stay at home for the rest of her life because she has RA? Balderdash!! When I did speeches for the Connecticut Chapter of the Arthritis Foundation, one message I wanted to convey was that “Yes, I have RA but my life isn’t over!”. When I introduced myself, I would mention the activities I was doing and the last thing I said was “I’ve had RA for 20 some years”. That usually surprised them because as many of us will tell you, we don’t always look like there is anything wrong. That a whole other entry!

Many people with chronic illness know how important it is to be involved and have interests – we also know it isn’t going to come knocking at the door. We have to go looking for what interests and excites us. That doesn’t mean there aren’t days or weeks when it is so hard to gather the energy to just get dressed, that the prospect of volunteering or helping somewhere is just too much work. The problem with this ad is the assumption that drugs are the only way to feel better. I notice they also talk very quickly when mentioning the side effects. Yes, drugs help, but it it takes mind, body, Spirit and emotions all working together to really make a difference.

Often people have said to me “I don’t know how you do so much with RA”. The answer is – simply out of necessity. I have had times when I knew they had no idea how many times I have had a bad case of “oh-poor-me-osis” – I am the worst off person in the world and no one has it as bad as I do. For most of the time I have had it, my husband traveled a lot, so I was home alone. There were many times when I felt so sore, stiff and full of pain that it was hard to move around the house. Other times I was physically doing well but I was depressed and lonely. I would come to a point where I was so fed up with feeling low and just sitting like a bump on a log that out of desperation I went out to see what I could find to do. I remember taking craft classes, all kinds of other classes, or I volunteered – anything not to sit at home and feel like crap. Strangely enough, I developed new skills with my volunteering, learn all kinds of things with classes.

To make things more interesting, we moved every 2or 4 years, that meant I had to start my life over in a different place. over the years I learned it doesn’t work to try to duplicate what was in the last place – start it all new. I found taking classes, volunteering and joining a Newcomer’s group were really good ways for me. Then I discovered quilting and that was something I could take with me wherever I went and there are always quilt shops, quilt classes and group plus quilters. It was a great starting point in building a new life as I looked for volunteer opportunities, classes and Newcomer’s club. An added benefit to the traveling y husband did was that I was invited along on some trips. I learned to entertain myself and make provisions in case he had to go to dinner and I was at the hotel. It meant I had a chance to check out new places – some trips I could walk well, others were just so-so. As we moved around, we made new friends and sometimes when he had a trip, I would go on one of my own to visit old friends. Some trips were easier to do than others, so I did what I could in the context of my joints at that moment.

The point of this is that waiting around for someone or something to make things better isn’t usually an option – I had to go out and do it myself. If you feel you are that woman in the first black and white picture, it is up to you to create your life. If you want some ideas or encouragement, I would love to hear from you. Or if you have found ways that work, I would love to know about them – this way we can all help each other find what works for each of us. I don’t have all the answers, together with comments and discussions, we can be resources for each other.

Tags:pain, rheumatoid arthritis, solutions, Volunteering
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Am I hiding?

March 3, 2011

Last week my husband and I were in the bookstore having coffee. Later he saw a book he wanted and asked me if I wanted a book too. Of course I want a book! I looked around but I keep coming back to one book when I am there and I decided there must be a message in this. The book is Byron Katie’s “Who Would You Be Without Your Story?”. I have looked through it several times and one of the things I noticed is how she takes a statement and is able to get down to the core of the situation.

If that weren’t enough, in the last Ike Pono weekend, I was asked “Why are you still holding on to RA?”. A very uncomfortable moment but I realized it was more true than I was willing to admit to myself. So the Universe is talking to me , it just seems that the subtle hints and messages weren’t getting through, so it was time for more direct communication. So now I have to ask myself why am I still holding on, but also ask who would I be without it?

The “Who Would I be” question is easier to answer now – I would be energetic, able, light, pain free, more focused on what I want to do, more enthusiasm, do things with my husband. So now the question “Why do I hold on to RA?”. I know the answer is fear, though not quite sure the exact fear. I realize having RA is familiar – though very uncomfortable and expensive – so not having it and stepping out into the world and taking a risk is scary. I know I tell myself (and others) I have a limited amount of energy, limited physically and can’t do things the way other people do who don’t have RA. It is a good excuse not to do things that are scary or I am unsure about, plus it means if I don’t do them, I won’t be wrong. The more I think about it, the more I realize I am afraid that should I be RA free with energy, enthusiasm and vitality, I will get in over my head and not fulfill what I promised and let people down. It also means I have to step out and take risks, try new things, learn new skills – the fear is not being able to “get it”. I don’t want to be back in the 6th grade math class with story problems not understanding and feeling lost, scared and clueless. I do promotional marketing and because there is such a wide range of areas to focus on, I don’t know what to choose. Essentially I am afraid to choose and find I made a wrong decision – more of that fear of being wrong. I think that comes from high school and being told to choose a career to prepare for college. The unsaid intent was that whatever I choose will be for the rest of my life. I was afraid of choosing the wrong career and then being stuck with it for the rest of my life. No one told me that people change careers several times in a lifetime, that the choice isn’t necessarily permanent unless you want it to be.

It is not easy to write this because it is hard to admit and acknowledge how much of what is going on has been my choice. I realize I have been hiding behind RA for a long time because I have been afraid of the world – the silent message as I was growing up was the world is a scary place. Be sure you are safe and secure before stepping out. I have not felt safe and secure, nor does hiding make it any better. I have realized I don’t like to compete and with RA, people don’t really expect much from me – I have made sure of that by telling them fairly quickly I have RA. Then when I outperform their expectations, then they are amazed and think I am amazing. Unfortunately, I sometimes feel a bit of a fraud – I have early childhood training about speaking the truth no matter what. Now I am grateful for the gift of integrity my parents gave all three of us, it has just taken almost 60 years to realize it. Sometimes I would love to cut corners, it would make things easier, but that training kicks in and I can’t cut corners.

I am also grateful for the man I married almost 42 years ago. We had been married about a year and half when I was diagnosed with RA and he has been with me through it all. He could have said “I’m done” and walked away, but I married a wonderful man of integrity and love. He has put up with a lot of stuff, invested in pharmaceuticals that don’t pay dividends because they went inside me and watched me in pain a lot of time. He has done so much to help me and be there for me – he still loves me after all that stuff. I will admit not appreciating him as much as he deserves and I told him recently that I had to apologize to him, that I truly appreciate him and all he has done, especially the last few years with my Mom.

All this prompts me to start looking objectively at how I see myself – it been a very negative view and I now choose to see myself in the most positive light and truly begin to love myself.

Tags:Byron Katie, Fear, Health, rheumatoid arthritis
Posted in Questions | Leave a Comment »

Who’s Voice?

February 23, 2011

It hasn’t been a stellar week for me in terms of comfort physically, but it brought some interesting insights that hit home. I had been doing well last weekend and was thinking “Maybe there is something to this gluten-free stuff after all”. Then Monday hit and I felt as if I had been run over by a Mack truck. I could barely move and I was so muzzy and tired it took time and coffee before I began to feel human around noon. I have no idea what happened, unless it was that cough medicine I took for this persistent cough – I need to go see the acupuncturist who cleared up the last one. I have always used that one and it has really helped the cough – what was different?

As the week went on, I began to feel better each day – another round of withdrawal from gluten? Then came Thursday night, I was cold all night and Friday I couldn’t get warm all day, my hands were cold and my head was quite warm. It was also the day I felt discouraged with all of this and then something I had read a few days earlier suddenly hit me. It was an “I know that I know” moment. I have been very aware of ego and all her negativity – she definitely was in control that day. But then I remembered someone writing about “Ego Voice” and Inner Voice” and I began think about that and it seemed to fall into place. I was listening to ego voice and all her negative nonsense trying to keep me in fear and frustration. What I wanted to hear was Inner Voice with her loving, positive and empowering words and feelings. I realized if all I hear is ego voice, it is better not to think at all. I have listened to ego voice all my life since I didn’t know there was a difference, but now that I know there is Inner Voice, I choose her. Listening to ego all this time has landed me here with all this going on – suppose I only listen to Inner Voice and see what results I create. I can’t say I only listen to Inner Voice now – ego voice had free reign last night when I couldn’t get to sleep and I was feeling tired and cranky. Though I did switch thoughts to something else and that did help.

However, I woke up this morning cranky and not feeling my shining self, so I asked Spirit for an attitude overhaul – an attitude adjustment wasn’t quite enough to overcome this morning’s cranky. I am doing better now, that was only about 45 minutes ago but there was a shift and I know this works. I remember in 1974 we moved to Los Angeles and rented an apartment in a brand new complex – it was quite nice but for some reason I didn’t like it there. So I said to Spirit “I don’t like it here, would you change my attitude?”. Awhile later I realized my attitude had changed and I was fine. So I have used this over the years and it works – it’s better if I forget all about it after I ask because I have a tendency to keep checking to see if has happened. It is much better to forget it and then realize later on the change has been made.

This weekend I have been feeling better and more comfortable, I will be interested to see what Monday brings. I have an early dentist appointment and then a Roadshow with some suppliers – once again bringing home catalogs and samples that right now are overrunning the office and the basement. The Roadshow means walking and standing, so I know I will be tired when I finish, a nap may be in order when I get home. I would like to be walking comfortably tomorrow so I can talk to the suppliers I most want to see, then decide how much more I can do.

Usually when I do a post, I have a lot to say – this one has about come to the end and yet I feel it needs a conclusion. I haven’t a clue what it needs to be, but I will definitely check in to let you know my progress with listening to Inner Voice more. How is it for you?

UPDATE

It is now 4 weeks later and the mean cough is on the way out. I did see my acupuncturist and have had three treatments plus the chinese herbs every day. I am not so drag my ass tired and I am beginning to feel more myself. I also have been getting daily emails from Julia Rodgers Hamrick of Easy World. She has changed it from just a quote to Love Letters From Spirit – Wow, that makes such a difference! I am now more able to allow Inner Voice in and listen to her, to be comfortable hearing the positive about myself and understanding that small things are triumphs. I am proud of myself for keeping to gluten free for 6 weeks, it has been easier than I thought. I found myself feeling depressed last week when I was working on taxes and found I have not earned much of anything. I suddenly felt a failure and started to beat myself up. Then I changed course – where did that come from? – and began to think about what this promotional products business has brought me. Ike Pono, wonderful friends and relationships, helping people grow their businesses, quite an education in the promotional industry, starting to know I am creative, building confidence and self assurance and also, having fun. I have gained so much from doing it, maybe the next step is making enough money to break even and then slowly increase it every year. Thank You Spirit for helping me turn around a very negative and upsetting experience.

Tags:Ego voice, Gluten, Gluten-free diet, Inner Voice
Posted in Questions | Leave a Comment »

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