Posts Tagged ‘Ego voice’

Who’s Voice?

February 23, 2011

It hasn’t been a stellar week for me in terms of comfort physically, but it brought some interesting insights that hit home.  I had been doing well last weekend and was thinking “Maybe there is something to this gluten-free stuff after all”.  Then Monday hit and I felt as if I had been run over by a Mack truck.  I could barely move and I was so muzzy and tired it took  time and coffee before I began to feel human around noon.  I have no idea what happened, unless it was that cough medicine I took for this persistent cough – I need to go see the acupuncturist who cleared up the last one.  I have always used that one and it has really helped the cough – what was different?

As the week went on, I began to feel better each day – another round of withdrawal from gluten?  Then came Thursday night, I was cold all night and Friday I couldn’t get warm all day, my hands were cold and my head was quite warm.  It was also the day I felt discouraged with all of this and then something I had read a few days earlier suddenly hit me.  It was an  “I know that I know” moment.  I have been very aware of ego and all her negativity – she definitely was in control that day.  But then I remembered someone writing about “Ego Voice” and Inner Voice” and I began think about that and it seemed to fall into place.  I was listening to ego voice and all her negative nonsense trying to keep me in fear and frustration.  What I wanted to hear was Inner Voice with her loving, positive and empowering words and feelings.  I realized if all I hear is ego voice, it is better not to think at all.  I have listened to ego voice all my life since I didn’t know there was a difference, but now that I know there is Inner Voice, I choose her.  Listening to ego all this time has landed me here with all this going on – suppose I only listen to Inner Voice and see what results I create.  I can’t say I only listen to Inner Voice now – ego voice had free reign last night when I couldn’t get to sleep and I was feeling tired and cranky.  Though I did switch thoughts to something else and that did help.

However, I woke up this morning cranky and not feeling my shining self, so I asked Spirit for an attitude overhaul – an attitude adjustment wasn’t quite enough to overcome this morning’s cranky.  I am doing better now, that was only about 45 minutes ago but there was a shift and I know this works.  I remember in 1974 we moved to Los Angeles and rented an apartment in a brand new complex – it was quite nice but for some reason I didn’t like it there.  So I said to Spirit  “I don’t like it here, would you change my attitude?”.  Awhile later I realized my attitude had changed and I was fine.  So I have used this over the years and it works – it’s better if I forget all about it after I ask because I have a tendency to keep checking to see if has happened.  It is much better to forget it and then realize later on the change has been made.

This weekend I have been feeling better and more comfortable, I will be interested to see what Monday brings.  I have an early dentist appointment and then a Roadshow with some suppliers – once again bringing home catalogs and samples that right now are overrunning the office and the basement.  The Roadshow means walking and standing, so I know I will be tired when I finish, a nap may be in order when I get home.  I would like to be walking comfortably tomorrow so I can talk to the suppliers I most want to see, then decide how much more I can do.

Usually when I do a post, I have a lot to say – this one has about come to the end and yet I feel it needs a conclusion.  I haven’t a clue what it needs to be, but I will definitely check in to let you know my progress with listening to Inner Voice more.  How is it for you?

UPDATE

It is now 4 weeks later and the mean cough is on the way out.  I did see my acupuncturist and have had three treatments plus the chinese herbs every day.  I am not so drag my ass tired and I am beginning to feel more myself.  I also have been getting daily emails from  Julia Rodgers Hamrick of Easy World.  She has changed it from just a quote to Love Letters From Spirit – Wow, that makes such a difference!  I am now more able to allow Inner Voice in and listen to her, to be comfortable hearing the positive about myself and understanding that small things are triumphs.  I am proud of myself for keeping to gluten free for 6 weeks, it has been easier than I thought.  I found myself feeling depressed last week when I was working on taxes and found I have not earned much of anything.  I suddenly felt a failure and started to beat myself up.  Then I changed course – where did that come from? – and began to think about what this promotional products business has brought me.  Ike Pono, wonderful friends and relationships, helping people grow their  businesses, quite an education in the promotional industry, starting to know I am creative, building confidence and self assurance and also, having fun.  I have gained so much from doing it, maybe the next step is making enough money to break even and then slowly increase it every year.  Thank You Spirit for helping me turn around a very negative and upsetting experience.

Who Am I?

March 18, 2010

Who am I?  Now that is a loaded question and one I have been trying to answer for the last 63 years.  Maybe it is more a question of Who do I think I am?  The first word out of the box is – I am a short, overweight girl with freckles and glasses with no discernible talents that no one likes.  Wow!  That sounds like a real case of Oh Poor Me!   I realize now that everything is perception even though it seems very real.  In the book “Busting Out of The Money Game”, he likens it to a hollowdeck program in Star Trek.  I wrote the script, my part and the parts of everyone else in the scenario.  It also means I can change it any time I want and rewrite it to be different.  But first you have to give yourself credit and appreciation for writing such a detailed and real script.  It shows real creativity and imagination.  So I can write another creative script that is much more loving and positive!

Wait a minute, that is a whole lot to take in at once.  Fortunately I read that after Eckerd Tolle’s “A New Earth”, so it didn’t seem quite as fantastic as it might have at first glance.  Let’s face it, everything is perception, based on your earlier experiences.  Everything seemed to be all about me when I didn’t understand what was happening since there was no frame of reference.  So the next question comes.

Who do I think I am?  That overweight, plain little girl who is the middle child of three girls and doesn’t feel she has any distinction.  She isn’t the oldest, she isn’t the youngest – what is she?  My older sister is a wonderful artist and I know I spent a lot of time in my very young days trying to be just like her – but I wasn’t and that made me feel like a failure, that I wasn’t enough.  Perception.  When I look back, I realize I didn’t look for things I liked and did well, I just decided I was not good enough.  My sister were slender and I seemed to have inherited a double dose of the fat German genes, so sport was not easy for me.  Hmmm, not artistic, not athletic, there didn’t seem to be much for me but reading.  I see now I had a very narrow view of myself and my life.

My parents tell the story of how I made such a racket to get on the bus with my sister to see where it went.  She is 4 years older  than I am and  I ended going to school a year earlier than I should have so I could see where she went.  I may have had an easier time if I had waited a year.   So everyone was always a year older and I didn’t do that well in school, had C’s and a few B’s but math was such a bear.  How many times in Math, Algebra and Geometry did I feel so lost and confused because I didn’t understand it.  It was explained but it didn’t sink in or make it clear and that just gave me that scared, panicky feeling.  I wanted  to burst into tears but of course that wasn’t acceptable.  I didn’t feel I fit in anywhere and recess was no help because I didn’t do well in games.  I felt quite alone, especially when I was made fun of because of my weight.  I remember in 3rd grade when I had to get glasses so I could see the board – I was the only one who had them.  Overweight, freckled, glasses – what a target for teasing.

Junior high and high school were even worse, never asked on a date and I began to feel there was something wrong with me, that I was missing something the other girls had.  Yes, I did a number on myself, yet it felt so real.  I was very glad to graduate from school.  The big question as I was in 10th, 11th and 12th grade was “What do you want to do?  What do you want to be?  I hadn’t a clue.  There wasn’t anything that really hit me and the scary things was the implication that I had to decide now because it would be for the rest of my life.  What if I chose something and didn’t like it?  I was stuck with it.  Maybe that was why not much appealed to me – though in the mid 60’s girls didn’t have a whole lot of choice – teacher, nurse, secretary.  I just told them I wanted to be a teacher just to get them off my back.

I spent 2 years in junior college, 2 years in commercial art school and a year working at Boeing as a tech illustrator before going to Australia to be married. In all those years I have never found my passion – many things I was intrigued by for awhile but nothing that has stuck with me.  Well, I have carried my quilting over several moves but in the last few years there hasn’t been time or energy to continue.  At 63 I am still wondering what I want to be when I grow up.

Now, after reading Eckhart Tolle, I see I was looking at externals, at form to find out who I was.  I was looking at how I looked, what I did, who my friends were because I didn’t know there was any other way to look at it.  According to him, that is Ego, my false self who loves negative, the more the merrier.  She is the one who compares me to others – usually to my detriment – sees lack of things, nothing is ever enough and everything is about me.  She has to be right and anytime she thinks she is being diminished, she get angry and that really revs her up.  She hold grudges and keeps track of all the hurts, slights, resentments, angers, etc. – the little me with the unhappy story.   She thrives on the negative, the more there is, the better she likes it.  It’s all about her.

It’s a relief to begin to see what is going on, that isn’t the real me at all.  It is the me I have been living with for a long time and it has taken awhile to understand and accept it.  Since I have, it has made things a little easier.  Now it is time to find out who I really am, while being more conscious of Ego and what she is doing to undermine it.  She wants the status quo and this threatens her very existence.


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