pain | Gift of RA

Posts Tagged ‘pain’

Feeling more human

August 14, 2011

Thanks to Debye Peters and her wonderful deep tissue massages I am much more comfortable in my shoulders -so much in stuffed feelings and balderdash has been expelled. Now we are working on the hips – then maybe I can finally sleep comfortably. I went through that awhile ago and thought I had it finished – news flash! Here we go again. However, this time I have help understanding what is going on inside my body – that makes such a difference.

I don’t particularly want to write about how I am feeling, I’m tired of it and I want to keep my promise of no whingeing. I remember when I first volunteered with the Connecticut Chapter of the Arthritis Foundation, I was helping to form a support group. That was fine for awhile but I found it was focused too much on how I was feeling – I could do that all by myself. If I was having a bad time, it was good to be with other people who understood, but I realized I wanted to do more. Fortunately the staff there liked how I worked and I was asked to be the Speaker’s Bureau Coordinator. So I helped put together a Speaker’s Bureau, did speeches myself and also trained new speakers. I enjoyed this because the focus wasn’t on me, plus I found I could help other people. About the same time I was asked to be an Arthritis Self Help Instructor.

I went through some training for both and I will admit to being very nervous in the beginning. Speaking in front of people had always been an agony for me – at times I wondered “How did I get myself into this?”. Fortunately the Self Help Course started first and it was to a small group of about 10 or 12. Those ladies were so welcoming and kind to me on the first of 6 sessions. There was so much information to cover and I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough time for all of it. I ended up covering in about an hour and half and had to ad lib for another hour or so. I found myself being less and less nervous – I think I told them it was my first class. They were a very appreciative audience and it was a very informal setting, so that helped a lot. AfterwardsI thanked them profusely for their patience and being my first class. A lot of them were oder women who had not really taken care of themselves or realized what arthritis was and how it affected their bodies.

I remember one session, I didn’t want to teach because I was feeling so miserable. But I promised and I couldn’t not show up. What surprised me was that at the end of the class, I felt a lot better. I told them at the end of class that I hadn’t wanted to come and I thanked them so much because I felt so much better because of them. The classes were always filled with wonderful compassionate and delightful women – an occasional guy came but it was mostly women. I always started out my classes saying that the only difference between them and me was I had gone through the training for teaching the class – I still had to deal with RA, pain, problems and all of that, I didn’t have it made. I learned so much myself and I was so glad I could be of help in some way to others dealing with a form of arthritis.

When I did the speeches, I was a bit more comfortable in front of people because of the classes. I had written out my speech so I wouldn’t forget it, then I got to a point where I had a large card with all the points that were important to cover. I will admit my speeches were full of my own stories, so it was a more personal presentation than just the basic fact of arthritis. I think I was often a surprise to them, though I always told the contact person I had RA. I was in my late 30’s at the time and I suppose they expected an older woman with crutches or wheel chair. One of the messages I wanted to put across was that just because I had RA , my life wasn’t over. I would introduce myself as the Speaker’s Bureau Coordinator and then talk about the different things I do – church choir, deacon for awhile, mediator for the BBB, etc. and then the last thing I said was “I have had Rheumatoid Arthritis for over 20 years”. Some people were quite surprised. I remember being at a nursing home and there was one old lady in the front row talking with her friend; in a somewhat loud voice she asked her friend “What does she know about arthritis?”. Was she ever surprised!

Good Heavens! I had no idea this post would end up here. Well, just a bit more information about me, much better than whingeing.

Tags:Arthritis Foundation, Health, pain, rheumatoid arthritis
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

Is this for real?

March 20, 2011

I have been seeing a commercial for a drug for RA and to be honest, it irritates the heck out of me. They have a picture of a woman in black and white, in a nearly bare room and she is sitting there with a hangdog look. The picture next to it is in full color with people and activity – the tagline is The life you live, the life you want to live. Then, because she took the drug, she gets up and walks into the second picture with different clothes and everything is in color and wonderful.

Give me a break! How many of us sit like a bump on a log all day long for years? Not me! Yes, I have days when I am not moving well and it takes some doing to move my tush and get dressed and go out to an appointment. But I have never felt my life was a drab, colorless existence – though it has had its moments. This ad bugs me because it is implied that you can’t do or be anything unless you take this drug. Who told this woman her life was over and she would have to stay at home for the rest of her life because she has RA? Balderdash!! When I did speeches for the Connecticut Chapter of the Arthritis Foundation, one message I wanted to convey was that “Yes, I have RA but my life isn’t over!”. When I introduced myself, I would mention the activities I was doing and the last thing I said was “I’ve had RA for 20 some years”. That usually surprised them because as many of us will tell you, we don’t always look like there is anything wrong. That a whole other entry!

Many people with chronic illness know how important it is to be involved and have interests – we also know it isn’t going to come knocking at the door. We have to go looking for what interests and excites us. That doesn’t mean there aren’t days or weeks when it is so hard to gather the energy to just get dressed, that the prospect of volunteering or helping somewhere is just too much work. The problem with this ad is the assumption that drugs are the only way to feel better. I notice they also talk very quickly when mentioning the side effects. Yes, drugs help, but it it takes mind, body, Spirit and emotions all working together to really make a difference.

Often people have said to me “I don’t know how you do so much with RA”. The answer is – simply out of necessity. I have had times when I knew they had no idea how many times I have had a bad case of “oh-poor-me-osis” – I am the worst off person in the world and no one has it as bad as I do. For most of the time I have had it, my husband traveled a lot, so I was home alone. There were many times when I felt so sore, stiff and full of pain that it was hard to move around the house. Other times I was physically doing well but I was depressed and lonely. I would come to a point where I was so fed up with feeling low and just sitting like a bump on a log that out of desperation I went out to see what I could find to do. I remember taking craft classes, all kinds of other classes, or I volunteered – anything not to sit at home and feel like crap. Strangely enough, I developed new skills with my volunteering, learn all kinds of things with classes.

To make things more interesting, we moved every 2or 4 years, that meant I had to start my life over in a different place. over the years I learned it doesn’t work to try to duplicate what was in the last place – start it all new. I found taking classes, volunteering and joining a Newcomer’s group were really good ways for me. Then I discovered quilting and that was something I could take with me wherever I went and there are always quilt shops, quilt classes and group plus quilters. It was a great starting point in building a new life as I looked for volunteer opportunities, classes and Newcomer’s club. An added benefit to the traveling y husband did was that I was invited along on some trips. I learned to entertain myself and make provisions in case he had to go to dinner and I was at the hotel. It meant I had a chance to check out new places – some trips I could walk well, others were just so-so. As we moved around, we made new friends and sometimes when he had a trip, I would go on one of my own to visit old friends. Some trips were easier to do than others, so I did what I could in the context of my joints at that moment.

The point of this is that waiting around for someone or something to make things better isn’t usually an option – I had to go out and do it myself. If you feel you are that woman in the first black and white picture, it is up to you to create your life. If you want some ideas or encouragement, I would love to hear from you. Or if you have found ways that work, I would love to know about them – this way we can all help each other find what works for each of us. I don’t have all the answers, together with comments and discussions, we can be resources for each other.

Tags:pain, rheumatoid arthritis, solutions, Volunteering
Posted in Questions | 5 Comments »

Programs! Programs!

December 18, 2010

I did an Ike Pono weekend last week, another opportunity to see my programs in action. I am there usually most of the weekend, though I tell them when I run out of energy, I’m gone. They are really understanding because they know I give my best to them and the people in the class when I am there. This particular weekend I found myself very quiet at the beginning since it is all about the group rather than me. Part of it is that I feel I am back in my own first weekend learning the principles and doing the exercises. The last day I was more talkative and I realized at one point I was worried I was saying too much and maybe saying something wrong. PROGRAM! (I always think of the guys who hawked programs at events I went to – they all had that same gravelly, almost New York sound. I swear they went to school to be able to say it that particular way.) I realized that was part of my fear of being wrong. It also came from childhood when I was told “Not so loud” or said something opposite to what I wanted to say and got “that look”. I see now I have wanted from childhood to not say the wrong thing or something stupid. It also has to do with my perception I talk too much – yes, I know at times I can be a motormouth, I also know when I am nervous I tend to chatter. It’s all part of being the “good girl” who follows the rules even when they sometimes didn’t make sense.

Recently another program came up, one about how I see myself and how it feels inside. I am working on my resume to move into a new direction for my business and myself. As I remembered the things I have done in the last 40 some years, I was amazed at the long list. Then I had some testimonials from various sources and as I was typing them into the page, I realized there was one word that came up more often than any other – confidence. They all see it but why don’t I see it or feel it? After awhile, I thought about growing up with not thinking or talking well of myself because it would be bragging or boasting. Is it a huge leap to wonder if being confident and feeling that confidence is somehow in my mind part of boasting and and bragging? Is that fear of being wrong mixed in there as well? It feels as if I am putting a puzzle together and some pieces seem to fit but the loose ones still haven’t come together – I don’t have a picture as a reference to guide me. Some days I feel I am floundering around in the dark, other days some things are quite clear. The rest of the days I feel I am muddling through, with small “aha’s” every once in a while – makes me think I am on the right track. Oh, there’s that word again – right, the opposite or wrong. Or am I making too much of this one small thing.

I know that all of this is my perception of things – that if I don’t do something exactly the way someone else wants it, I’m wrong and not smart enough to do it right. Another program rears its head. I have to also look at what I have focused on all this time – guess what, it was on the negative and how I didn’t measure up. Where did I stop looking at all the positives in my life, in what I have been and done? Let’s face it, most often in an evaluation, it’s always the thinks one didn’t do well and what has to “be fixed”. What would happen if, instead of looking at the negative, the focus is on one’s strengths and abilities – then it doesn’t have to be “fixed”. This morning I had my left knee go “out on me again and I thought “What was so scary and unthinkable many years ago that having pain was much more acceptable?”. I know now I have a different outlook and view of myself than I did a while ago – how would that situation seem to me now? The knee is part of the side of my left leg that has been a big source of pain and limitation – when did it start and what was going on at the time? I am more ready to examine it now than I have ever been, though I will admit to a small part a little afraid it may be harder to face than I think. However, at this point, the thought of continuing with the pain and limitations is worse than the thought of what the core issue really is that started it all. That is something I have noticed over the years, at some point there is choice to make and the thought of status quo is worse than the alternative. I have often found pain is great incentive to make a change – but it has to be your decision, not being talked into it by someone who has decided what is right for you.

Something for me to ponder and think about, I know it isn’t quite clear yet, nor do I have the “I know that I know” with a picture in my mind. More pieces to fit into place before my puzzle is complete. I have several puzzles in progress, it will be some time before my work is done.

Tags:Health, Ike Pono, Inner Critic, pain
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

Another one of those days!

November 27, 2010

I certainly didn’t expect to have another one of “those” days quite so soon, but there is no telling what will happen from one day to the next. I am working on seeing Life as an adventure and that isn’t always easy. Last night was one of those “end of my rope” times – I am still not sleeping and I was really dragging. Plus I felt a migraine coming on and it just seemed as if I couldn’t climb out of the hole of not sleeping very well for so long. I also was really feeling pain in my legs – I was at that point of starting to cry. But what surprised me was how I found myself feeling better – I got to thinking that as long as I focus on not sleeping well and being so tired – isn’t that creating what I don’t want? It was time to change direction, so I just asked God to change my attitude to positive. He has done that many times before – one time I remember especially. It was 1974 and we had just moved to an apartment complex in the South Bay of Los Angeles. A brand new apartment, bigger than the one we left in San Francisco, but I felt “I don’t like this place”. So I asked God to change my attitude and by golly, the next time I thought about it, I was fine.

I grew up with a legacy of several generations of negativity – how amazing that given that history, my Mom and Dad definitely changed a lot of that pattern for the three of us girls. They always made us feel loved and wanted and we did so much together as a family – Dad always said if they couldn’t take us somewhere, they didn’t want to go. They also brought us up with integrity – some days it felt like a blessing, other days more of a curse. How could I be a “bad girl” with all that “good girl” programming?I always wondered what it would be like to be a “bad girl”. Mom and Dad gave us a good grounding in many things and more and more I realize how blessed I was to grow up in this family.

The negative part was always there as well, not always spoken, more implied. One of the negative concepts was that the world is a scary place, so be safe and secure before venturing out. Not conducive to taking risks and stepping out of the comfort zone. There didn’t seem to be an example of stepping out to help guide us – so I have always been scared to step out in something risky. Except one that I ended up copying. Now I know that going down to Australia to marry a man I hardly knew was certainly a risk, except I didn’t really see it that way. My aunt has introduced us and if she thought there was anything shady about him, I know she would have let me know in no uncertain terms. Plus I had my Mom’s example – she went to California to marry my Dad right after Pearl Harbor even though her family thought she was crazy. it took me as long to go to Australia in 1969 as it took her to go from Connecticut to California in December 1941. I realize there was an objective in that rip, he was at the end of the flight and I couldn’t wait to see him again. There were a couple of three times when I thought to myself “What am I doing? I don’t know this man” . That’s when The Voice arrived, asking “Well, if you don’t go, how will you feel?”. The answer was, I would regret it. The Voice said “then shut up and do it!”.

I know my parents loved us, but it seemed there was always second guessing and micro-managing – any time we did something or went somewhere. It was a constant “Don’t fall down the bank”, “Don’t trip and hurt yourself”, “Don’t cut yourself” “Don’t, Don’t, Don’t”! That was when we went to the property they owned on Vashon Island and we checked out the fruit trees, the high bank waterfront on the Sound and the old barn with all kinds of things inside. Ye Gods and Little Fishes! Did she think I or my sisters were going to do things deliberately to see how much damage we could do with the least amount of effort? Give me a break! We did have common sense after all.

Recently I began to be more aware of the patterns of only looking at the negative. We have a long, steep windy hill in front of us and we can get to West Seattle more easily that way. So when I was driving my Mom down it one day, she talked about going over the edge and ending up in a heap at the bottom without any trouble. I suddenly realized I didn’t want to buy into that any more, so I said we could just as easily go down the hill and get to where we were going with no problem. I had never done that before and I have started noticing things ever since then. It does take more practice to be aware of the negative patterns – negative autopilot is easier and more familiar. It is slowly getting easier as I practice – I am a work in progress.

One thing I have chosen to do is to set an intention of knowing the truth about myself because I now know it isn’t all negative as I have always feared. Yes, there are things that are uncomfortable, may make me cringe and aren’t easy to admit and embrace; but there isn’t a godawful bitch on wheels in there after all. Inside there is an amazing woman coming into her own and she is a Kickass Warrior.

Tags:life patterns, negativity, pain, rheumatoid arthritis
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

There are days!

November 21, 2010

Last night was one of those low points, I haven’t one that low for quite awhile. I have two situations going on as well as dealing with RA – amazing how they all combine at times. Last night I was putting off going to bed because I have not been sleeping very well the past few months because my legs hurt so much at night. I will admit to feeling worn out and worn down at the moment, not sure what to do or not do to understand what’s happening and what I can do to help my wonderful body – my friend and healer – to create healing for my legs. It has taken me a long time to see my body as healer, friend and beautiful – not quite there wholeheartedly but a heck of lot closer than I was. I am uncomfortable admitting that when I am “drag my ass tired”, I tend to be cranky and not especially objective.

I had a conversation last night that put me over the edge – I was ready to cry and the tears were coming. But there isn’t anywhere to go to yell my lungs out, beat the pillow and generally howl with pain and frustration. The odd thing was, I was thinking about one of the other situations that is foreign territory to me and nothing to guide me through it. Yet I heard myself say, I can do this, whatever it requires I can do this. I may feel like running away and not dealing with it; I may not want to do something necessary, I may not like doing it – but I can do it. I don’t remember ever thinking that way before – I usually had that scared little kid feeling of “I can’t do this, I want my Mommy”! By George, there is a real adult woman inside me these days and that feels amazing. I still am not happy dealing with this situation, but I am seeing it as a capable adult woman who knows when to seek advice from those with experience.

I can’t honestly say why I was so upset last night, maybe it is just all of it coming together because I am tired. I know two of the situations I can leave the house for awhile and not think about it or have to do anything. But I have to take my legs with me – ain’t that a b—-h sometimes. I would love to leave one or more body parts at home so I could have some fun – jump, skip, climb and whoop it up. But so far I haven’t created a way to do that, so the body goes with me on holiday, to parties, to fun things and here I am thinking it is in my way. In my more rational moments, I realize how grateful I am to my body because she makes it possible to use all my senses to experience the world, my legs have taken me to places in the world and the US. I have always wanted to go – some were interesting but I have no desire to go back again and I am glad I was able to leave. Without her I couldn’t read, write, quilt, laugh, hear Puccini arias or all of Beethoven, I could see or hear the ocean and waterfalls; I could smell or taste all those wonderful things from my Mom’s kitchen or appreciate her gorgeous hooked rugs. I am so grateful that most of my body systems – respiratory, digestive, circulation, etc. all work really well, just a few problems with joints, tendons, muscles and ligaments.

Those are my rational moments. Last night was one of my “oh-poor-me-osis” moments when I feel very sorry for myself and think I have it worse than anyone else on the planet. (I can be a global thinker at times). I get into that victim mentality and and wonder why I am lumbered with all this, what did I do that was so bad I deserve this? Well, I hope I had one hell of a good time because this is the pits. Then there are those who think they are helping by pointing out someone who is worse off than I am – that just makes me cranky and feeling I have been dismissed and devalued. As if what I deal with is not as major or important or serious as the person they have mentioned. At this point in my life, I would like to tell them to shove it where the sun don’t shine, Thank You very much. Unfortunately my Mother and Father brought me up to be polite and it is extremely difficult to go against early childhood training. However, I have on rare occasions actually been able to do it. Then I feel badly afterwards because I wasn’t the “good girl” I was brought up to be. Rats! Can’t even enjoy that rare moment!

Funny, this time I didn’t feel a lot of that stuff, it was more calm and the tears were just spilling over on to my cheeks; it was almost as if I was too tired to feel, much less examine exactly what was happening. I went to bed and my husband, bless his heart, just folded me into his arms and let me cry. Yikes! As I write this I find my eyes filling again so I know I haven’t cried it out or resolved it yet. And I didn’t sleep all that well last night either. I am a work in progress and no doubt will be for the rest of my life.

Something surprising I have noticed in the 40 years of RA, whether I am in pain and really low, on a high or anywhere in between, I have an ability to see some humor in it as I describe it to myself or write it for someone else. These things pop into my mind just at the right moment and it feels right, that it fits. I don’t sit and think, “now what does this remind me of or what word or phrase can I use to describe this?”, it just arrives with no effort or thought. Those can also come out not the way I meant and it means another foot in mouth moment. So I am grateful for it and appreciate the boost it gives me.

Tags:Health, pain, positive/negative, rheumatoid arthritis, Thought
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

How have I defined healing?

November 14, 2010

When I fell several weeks ago and I asked my friend Kathie Brodie of The Baggage Handler for a healing, my definition of that healing was taking away all the pain from the fall and my knee. When I didn’t feel anything different, I figured there was no healing. However, was that the healing I needed at the moment, was that for my highest good? Or was there something else that was more important that I wasn’t even aware needed healing? I realize so much of my focus has been on what hurts and how I can get rid of the pain – but is that how healing looks for me? I have been expecting it to be a certain way and when it didn’t happen that specific way, I didn’t think anything had changed. What I have been learning in Ike Pono is that things don’t always look the way I think they should (oh, there’s that word) look or be. I am learning to simply be open, receptive, willing and unlimited, setting my intention for that and see what happens. The difficulty with the RA is that I want the pain to go and my joints to be the way they were before; am I putting unrealistic expectations on myself and the Universe?

As a result of thinking about this, I can now see that I see myself as limited – in mobility, flexibility and energy. Am I as limited as I think I am? Let’s face it, it is a good reason and excuse not to venture out too much – I have limited energy. It also frustrates the heck out me that I have a lot of things I want to do but feel I don’t have enough energy to accomplish them all. I think I need large blocks of time and a lot of energy to accomplish things instead of planning and organizing my time to do small sections at a time in a consistent way to accomplish my goals. Organizing my time, my office (that’s a whole story in itself!) myself and my mind set or view of myself. Now it is easy to talk about it, plan it in my head, etc., something else to put into practice. I notice I tend to see an event in the past, or a situation or a conversation only in the same way each time I think of it or something reminds me of it. I have done that for so long that looking at it with a different view or perspective seems really difficult. It is as if I have decided there is only one to see it and that has kept me stuck in many ways. The muscles for seeing it in a different way are weak because I haven’t really used them much, so the more I do, the stronger they will be. I suspect it is much easier to see myself as the victim and put upon rather than acknowledge where I have responsibility. It didn’t happen in a vacuum and as Dr. Phil says “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”. I was going to say where I was wrong or made wrong choices, but recently I found out one things that holds me back from manifestation is my fear of being wrong. That is another essay for another day.

I have always thought of healing in terms of the RA – my definition of healing is finding the cause and making the changes needed to create health. A cure is it is magically gone but not getting to the core issue, it comes back because the core issue isn’t acknowledged or dealt with and resolved. I can see now that healing has to do with mind, body and spirit as well as the past and the messages perceived as a result of incidents from childhood to adulthood. A whole lot more to work with than just taking the pain from the body. I remember thinking of my body as trapped in a rusty suit of armor – something that had no connection or relationship to me. I said that if you looked in my eyes, you would see the real me in there yelling, screaming and fighting to get out. I had divorced myself from my body and blamed it for everything – poor love, I see now she was trying to help me. She is my healer and my waring system – she is trying to tell me something and I can’t hear, so she has to do something to get my attention. Unfortunately, I still don’t know what she wants to tell me – or is it that I don’t want to know because it is too scary and means I might find out I have a part in it. If I choose not to understand, then I don’t have to do anything and can “legitimately” complain, whinge and bitch about the situation. After all, I am getting positive feedback about how brave I am, how amazing I can do as much as I do with RA. That’s hard to give up for looking at what the truth is. At that point, it was “You can’t handle the truth!”. Certainly a scary proposition but now I am much more ready to know the truth about myself because I know that godawful bitch on wheels I thought lived inside of me isn’t real. The real me is cool and a kickass warrior, I want to know this Lee a whole lot better.

P.S. I always wonder where a post will go when I start it and if it makes sense at the end.

Tags:Alternative, Energy Healing, Healing, pain
Posted in Questions | Leave a Comment »

Funny You Mention That

September 26, 2010

After a great Ike Pono weekend, here I am hobbling around like a bent old woman. I was invited to a networking group on Wednesday and as I was looking for the street number in this little plaza, I felt myself suddenly go forward and all I could think was “Shit, I’m going to hit the concrete”! I landed on my left side and had some wind knocked out of me. A very nice gentleman suddenly appeared and asked if I was okay – then some from other shops came out. One wanted to call 911 but I don’t like a fuss and all my parts were moving, I didn’t break anything. The first man was able to lift me up onto my feet and I walked into the restaurant, rather shaken. At the end of the meeting (they will definitely remember me) I went to the ladies room and couldn’t believe how much my left knee hurt, like an ice pick was shoved all the way down into the middle of my knee. I was able to hobble to my car with help, drove home and put an ice pack on the knee. It was not one of my shining moments. I usually look where I am stepping, not where I am going – except that day.

I have been hobbling around since, each day it is better in small increments, but it has definitely put a spanner in the works. I can’t remember feeling this painful, yet what surprises me is how little bruising there is. My elbow has a bruise around the outside and a day or so later I found another one on the inside of my right breast. Both are quite lovely purple, but I will be glad when it goes from purple to yellow to gone. At this point, I have no idea how long it will be before I can walk comfortably, or even without an ice pick in my knee. There may be a reason for this, though I am still working on that.

A friend who is a hypnotherapist sent me a healing Thursday night – didn’t think of it until 3 am. She sent the healing but nothing seemed to happen – I would have loved the whole body healed but I would have settled for just the damage from the fall. I set an intention of being open, receptive, allowing and unlimited. She did it several times and it didn’t seem to help. I emailed her to see if I was blocking it for some reason, I wanted it so much but it felt it was too good to be true. This was her answer:

“Well, you may not like this but what I was getting is that it has become part of your identify. I sent healings twice yesterday, once during the day and a full vision/body healing right before I went to bed. I remembered to shield myself so I didn’t “get it” on my body. So I don’t think you are blocking the healing, but see if this feels right … are you blocking change? I know you say you want to do and be and go etc etc etc but my gut is telling me that if you let go of the suit of pain and inconvenience that you are wearing, then you would have to reinvent yourself. Are you ready to do that, you warrior you? Once in a while, all it takes is one person saying one thing and the light bulb goes on. Don’t worry about how, just give it over and know that you no longer need to keep hurting yourself or you no longer need to be in pain or even minimally disabled. You asked, and that’s what I’m getting. Also, the healings may be internal so you don’t feel that much. I usually get people, at the end of the session, saying they really feel much much better though. I’ll zap you again today. Just be open and curious. There is a lot of layers to get through so it may take a little longer than usual. Okay, should I have sugar coated it?”

This is what I wrote back to her – Thank you for giving me the straight scoop. I have wondered a bit and the other day I saw a book by Byron Katie called “Who Would I be Without My Story?”. I have asked who would I be without RA and for a long time I didn’t know. Since this last weekend at Ike Pono, I realize without RA I am a healthy, powerful, inspiring woman living my vision now. It has begun to make sense to me. Also, the weekend before I was having a hard time, I felt as if there was a war going on inside me. Bruce also told me I was dying and I needed to decide if I want to live. I ended up doing an arrow with the goal of life and living.

I wouldn’t be surprised to know that Ego is holding on as hard as she can – she has been in charge for so long and doesn’t want to let go any part of control. I have been thinking Ego is fighting my Authentic Self for control. Strangely enough, for a long time I have been afraid to see what is deep down inside of me because I thought it had to be horribly negative. But I am ready to see it because I know it isn’t as terrible as I think. RA has been my identity, even though I haven’t wanted to admit it. I am doing better in loving myself and not beating myself up – I’ve been doing it for so long and it’s a hard habit to break.

Now it is time to work on finding my true identity, I have no idea where it will take me but I am curious and somewhat excited to find out. Mostly it is knowing where to look, what I am looking for and certainly when I know I actually found it. The Universe takes care of it, I don’t have to know the How. I’ll keep you posted.

Tags:Healing, Ike Pono, pain
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

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