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Lessons From Mom

December 11, 2011

I often say I am now a parent but I have no children. I have never really been a kid person, I hated babysitting, plus the thought of pregnancy and childbirth really put me off having kids. Then I would be left with a squalling piece of hunanity who is completely dependent on me. No thanks! When I was in my 30’s I wondered if my biological clock would start ticking away and make me broody. Then our godson from Australia came to visit for 6 weeks. That experience short circuited my clock and blew it into oblivion.

Fast forward to this year, suddenly and Life throws me a curve ball. I am more a parent than a daughter as my 93 year old mother deals with macular degeneration and dementia. She has become very child like, yet with an adult brain and memory. I kept thinking it would be easier if I had had a child, but a friend told me it doesn’t prepare you at all for taking care of a parent. Mom told me the other day she misses the things she used to do when she was rug hooking – I can relate a little because I remember how it was when I had a terrible flareup and wasn’t able to do anything but watch tv. I can’t begin to imagine how she feels or how the world seems to her. She has periods of being quite clear, then others when she is confused and no idea what is happening. Yet, she has shown me living examples of things we keep hearing about – detach and live in the moment.

It has come to the point where she doesn’t think anything is hers any more – she will say “Your dishwasher isn’t working”, “Your dishes need to be cleaned”. When it comes to anything that needs to be done or repaired in the house, it is our house. Even when I tell her it is her house, it doesn’t seem to register. If that isn’t a great example of detaching, I don’t know what is. I think she is just overwhelmed with everything and it is her way of dealing with it. It is a great lesson in not being attached to things or circumstances; I do have too much attachment to things especially because I see the associations with them as well as the object itself. I am very sentimental and may explain why I am such a pack rat – it’s because someone special gave it to me or it was a special occasion or I may need it some day.

When we moved from Fort Wayne to Seattle, I had to give away a lot of things – it wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be because I knew I was paying the freight on that move. I don’t know if I could have parted with things so easily if the company was paying – turned out to be a good thing and I didn’t have to agonize about what to keep.

The second lesson from Mom is living in the moment. For her it is mostly that way now since she has trouble remembering from one moment to another or for a day. She is constantly asking if it is all right to do something, as if she needs permission. That was how we grew up, asking Mom and Dad before doing anything. She enjoys food and has a great appetite, very seldom does she say she doesn’t like something we cook. Last week we decided to try a meatloaf from QFC because Mom had said to Eddie she would really like to have meatloaf. We cooked it and she really enjoyed it, several times during dinner she said how good it was. I am not sure she remembered she had said it, but in that moment eating the meatloaf was a pleasure, along with the mashed potatoes and vegetable. There was enough left for 3 sandwiches for her and each time she kept saying how good it was.

Monday is her favorite day because the Thrift Store ladies come to play Mexican Dominoes. She can’t see the tiles but the ladies help her and they enjoy coming and spending time with her. She makes sure there are cookies or cake or some kind of goody for them, plus she thoroughly enjoys them herself. Mom has quite a sweet tooth, so she loves dessert – I almost think she would rather have dessert than the rest of the meal. It is one of the few topics of conversation she doesn’t have trouble expressing herself.

In a way it has been an eye opener for me to see a bit what being a parent is like – I want the best for her and worry a bit when I have to go out for business and she is on her own. I am sure it has had an effect on my RA, though not sure how I can measure that. What I know is that if I weren’t doing this for Mom, I would be putting an enormous guilt trip on myself and making the RA even worse.

Tags:Child, Parent
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Body Issues

December 5, 2011

I was down at the beach the other day, I had such a compulsion to be by the water and hear the waves slap against the sand. It is very soothing for me, reminds me of the summer nights in East Haven, CT. when we rented a townhouse across the street from the public beach. As I lay in bed ready to sleep, I could hear the waves hitting the sand and it gently put me to sleep. It was cloudy and the sun would peak through every once in awhile. I was leaning against the wall and listening to the waves, my eyes closed. A thought came back to to me that I either heard or read about a woman who said our bodies are the perfect size for our purpose in life. Then came the thought that we are all magnificent and it occurred to me that this body of mine has to be this size to contain all of my magnificence. Just then I felt the light and warmth of the sun on my face and I thought it was God smiling down because I finally “got it”. But then in came ego with her “Oh, give me a break, the sun just happened to come out and you really aren’t all that magnificent”. I realized I had a choice – listen to ego with her old familiar patterns of negativity or believe it was God smiling down on me. It wasn’t a hard choice, just an unfamiliar one. I told ego “Thanks for sharing but I’m not boarding that bus! I choose the other way , the positive loving way towards myself.”

I have had “body issues” all my life. I can say I am Rubenesque or fluffy but the plain truth is I weight more than I need to carry. I know with less weight it would be easier on my joints, I would look and feel better in my clothes and I would be able to wear clothes in my closet I haven’t been able to use for 2 or 3 years. Heck, I could pretty much have a whole new wardrobe. Unfortunately I still wouldn’t love and accept myself completely and unconditionally. That is at the root of it. I was an overweight middle child with two slender sisters. I never really thought there was anything special about me, not the oldest or the youngest; not as good an artist as my older sister, not as smart in school as they were. Yes, we are talking perception and somewhere my perception went in that direction. In school it was harder, especially because for girls the pinnacle of success is attracting a boy. Chalk one up on the minus side for me. I got teased a lot and made fun of – I remember in high school some guy came up to me in the hall one day to say his buddy wanted to go to the dance with me. That was a shock, so I think I said yes. He went back to his buddies and they were killing themselves laughing. My thought – what a chump to have believed it. Chalk one more on the minus side. I could go on and on but that isn’t the point of this. (If it is a whinge, call me on it!)

I didn’t think I was lovable, how could I love myself? I saw myself as fat, freckled, with glasses and very shy – not things that draw people to me. Poor baby, victimhood started very young. It was easier after high school, except the body issues were still there – even today. What I am learning is that I don’t have to see myself in Madison Ave terms, there are other views that are so much better. Let’s face it,we all can’t be Cindy Crawford, Jacklyn Smith or Vera Miles – I am me and that person, that woman is dynamite – she just has to love and believe in herself and celebrate what is so very special about her. I have been receiving a set of email from Stephanie Rainbow Bell about loving yourself at any size. She has a new website and it is so encouraging for those of us who are generously blessed in all areas of our bodies. This piece was such a boost to me, I know it has been shared in many places. Good on you Tara Lynn! To love myself and believe in my talents isn’t being boastful, arrogant or egotistical (contrary to old messages) . When I truly love every part of me, -including the negative bits, the hurts I caused, the stupid things I have done – when I am able to love myself completely, then some of this body issues and weight will not longer be an issue. Louise Hay talks about that in her book “You Can Heal Your Life”.

I will admit those childhood and adult messages are still bouncing around inside, ready to discount any positive feelings, compliments or thoughts. But now that I understand better what is happening, I am learning to make better choices and be more aware of not boarding that negative bus. It is a learning process and I am a work in progress. In rereading one of Stephanie’s emails, it really hit me with the idea of our bodies as containers for our magnificence. She wrote:

When we’ve been around the block a few times as the odd one out because of how we look, we unconsciously begin to believe that we are defective as human beings because of our size.

Nothing could be farther from the Truth however!
Our bodies are not damaged, regardless of their size. Our bodies are the vessels for our Divine Spirit and our Divine Spirit doesn’t really give a rat’s a$$ about our weight!

Our Spirits simply desired a way to expand their energetic experience by living it through a physical body! Having arms and legs and hearts and heads gives us an opportunity to experience life as a means of expressing energy into form! When you think about that for a minute, it’s pretty awesome right?

Can’t think of a better way to end this!

Tags:God, Louise Hay, Physical body, Thought
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Spot On, Universe!

December 4, 2011

I had an interesting post from the Universe today – so apt and also very uncomfortable. Right between the eyes!

Lee, what if I told you that your every conflict, disappointment, struggle or challenge, with others or yourself, was merely a manifestation of what’s going on within your own thinking… would you go there first to fix, mend, and allay?

Yeah, you might miss the drama.
The Universe

Would you?

OUCH! I have a situation right now that is very stressful, especially since there isn’t a lot I can do to change the situation. I have been thinking lately that it is important to know what I am doing that contributes to the stress and what I can do to make it better. Not a comfortable prospect since it is much easier to think it is the other person who is the problem and I am a “victim” – all they have to do is change and everything will be fine. What I have to look at fully is what my perception of it is, what emotions I am attaching to it – assigned significance – and what buttons are being pushed. However, it also means that my “victim/martyr” bubble will be pricked and I have to see what is really happening. I will ‘fess up to doing the victim routine really well all these years – not really proud of it and certainly not willing to admit it for the longest time. But then I hear Dr. Phil in my head asking “How’s that working for you”? Note to Self – it ain’t working very well any more. Yes, it is familiar but it doesn’t feel good and it certainly isn’t creating what I want in my life – it’s just creating more negative stuff. People have often said I have such a positive attitude, that they don’t know how I do all that I do with RA. Wow! That positive feedback strokes the ego, unfortunately it doesn’t advance any healing or willingness to look at what is truly going on inside me. Much easier to bask in the light of victim or martyr. Good thing they don’t see the bad case of “oh-poor-me-osis” going on inside me a lot of times.

The other uncomfortable part of this is to really look at what it is mirroring back to me. Double ouch! I grew up with a rather negative view of things from my parents – I will say they gave us a very loving home and many things my friends didn’t have – and it has carried over all my adult life. I didn’t really understand it for along time, that was just the way it was for me. Now there is a lot more intensified negativity and I am beginning to understand how much has been subconscious all this time. There are so many times when my buttons have been pushed and I didn’t know what the triggers were – I see now it is my little girl side of me who feels it so much. I also see more and more that those negative thoughts, feeling and perceptions are on autopilot – Bam! One button pushed! Bam! Another button pushed – like torpedoes being sent out one after another to sink the enemy ship. Except I am not the enemy – Hello, is anyone listening inside me? Those torpedoes are hitting my little girl and I now know I just have to hug her, reassure her she is protected and loved, I am the adult and I will protect her. I will take the hits and learn to deflect or disarm them before they can reach us. I am becoming more aware – sometimes it sucks – and I am working on a conscious effort to be aware of thoughts and feelings as they come, recognize them and create new choices. Simple, not easy.

What else does it mirror? I had another one and for the life of me I can’t remember it at the moment – must have been earthshaking.

After some thinking, I realized that part of the situation I am dealing with involves questions – the same ones over and over and over and over. Unfortunately the answers don’t take hold and it is a constant asking all day long. So what is this mirroring? How often have I asked God, my angels, spirits guides and master teachers what my purpose in life is, how do I find it,etc. I am sure the messages and clues have been sent many times, I just haven’t gotten them yet because I am expecting it to come in a certain way. Kind of like the guy in the flood who is sure God will save him, yet declines the offer from the truck, later the boat and finally the helicopter. The poor guy drowns and gets to heaven asking God “Why didn’t you save me”? God’s reply was “I sent you a truck, a boat and helicopter”. Now I have to wonder what I have missed along the way because I didn’t recognize or believe it. Thank goodness God is patient and doesn’t get fed up with me, there will be other signs and I have set an intention of recognizing them when they come. In Ike Pono we talked about how things come or happen but not always the way we expect it. I once read that when one prays to God for something but in very specific terms and conditions, it limits the answers. I have finally come to a point where I will say,”I would really like it to be this, but I am open to this or something better.” Sometimes I am not always sure what I want, so I will just ask for whatever works. Then I have to let it go and let it be dome. If I keep worrying it like a dog with bone, it is as if I am constantly taking it out of His hands. Also simple, not easy.

Tags:God, Purpose, Question, Thought, Universe Today
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A Confession

November 26, 2011

When I was a sophomore and junior in high school, the refrain was constant -“What do you want to do? What do you want to be? You have to prepare for college”. Underlying that message was another one – maybe I was the only one who heard it – “You have to decide now, it’s for the rest of your life!”. I didn’t know what I wanted to be and the thought of picking the wrong thing and being stuck with it for the rest of my life scared the pants off me. Maybe that’s why I have never really been able to decide what I want to be when I grow up. I went to junior college to be a teacher – I chose it just to get them off my back. Later I was attracted to commercial art school and went for two years – I didn’t go the third year and I never worked as a commercial artist because I didn’t really believe in my creativity or talent. There, I said it and the world hasn’t collapsed! I do have talent and creativity, only took me 55 years to say it out loud. Then I went to work for Boeing as a tech illustrator – the art school figured anyone working for Boeing was prostituting their art. Then I met Eddie and I got married – I made the safe choice. Except it wasn’t so safe because I didn’t feel secure; I worked at the beginning of our marriage in Australia and when we first got back to the States. Then I was diagnosed with RA and working wasn’t really an option. Plus I didn’t want to be a department store salesclerk all my life. The confession – I realize now I was hiding behind RA so no one would expect much from me. For some people who know me, this is no big news flash. You are wondering what I was hiding from – it was the world. Of course I am the only one in history ever to do this!

From the time I can remember, the message was always “The world is a scary place” from parents, the news, society, school – everywhere. That made me afraid and very unsure of myself. I didn’t feel I had any abilities or talents, what could I do in the world? So all those messages in high school certainly didn’t help. The other message was to make sure to be safe and secure before venturing out, not conducive to taking a risk. So I was scared to move from my safe little cocoon. Yes, I did go by myself to Australia to get married – Mom and Dad at one end and Eddie on the other. Most my travels and adventures have always had someone on either or both ends, I wasn’t all on my own fending for myself. That was probably what I needed to learn to be self reliant and trust myself but I was too scared to do it. I will say that having Eddie travel a lot helped me to be more independent because I had to take care of things while he was away. A friend really had to point it out to me because I didn’t know it.

All these years I felt I really had to go out and find a job, except I didn’t think I was qualified to do anything nor did I have confidence in my abilities. It was easier to do volunteer work because volunteers are always welcome. I could make my own hours and travel with my husband when opportunities arose. When it came to RA, I felt myself a victim for along time; an innocent bystander sideswiped by RA for no reason. Someone thought it was payback for another lifetime – I decided I had better have had one hell of a good time if this was payback. I pictured myself trapped in rusty suit of armor – the outside was not me. If you looked inside, you would see the real me trapped and not able to get out. Great images for a victim.

The question is – am I a victim? No, I have learned it is simply cause and effect, no blame. It has flitted through my mind that I have done this myself, but only for an instant because it is too painful. Also, another club to beat myself up with and make me feel even worse. Thank goodness it wasn’t something terminal! As I look back over my life with RA, there has been a lot of positive from it. I made speeches and taught classes for the Connecticut Chapter of Arthritis Foundation, quite a few times I knew when I did but I have decided that I was most effect going along doing my thing and being myself. It isn’t necessary for me to always know I helped someone, that leads to a swelled head and no longer effective. There must be something in this I was meant to do and be, though it has been very hard to see it from this angle.

My goal now is to still be effective and help others in different ways without RA. As always, I am a work in progress.

Tags:artschool, Australia, High school
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End of the Line

November 19, 2011

About a year ago last September I saw an ad in the newspaper for a study for people with Rheumatoid Arthritis – that would be me. I saw the study doc and he decided I fit into it, so I began with their capsules made from hops. After a bit he decided he wanted me to go on their medical food – it is 2 scoops of a powder in 8 ozs. of water whizzed in a blender with fruit. I started adding some liquid Vit D and liquid Calcium to it as well as a bit of yogurt. It was my breakfast every morning and it made it easy because I always knew what I was going to have/ There were several flavors – they were okay, not repulsive but not something I would recommend. Then I was to do a second shake in mid afternoon, mostly just the powder and water. Later, just before my birthday he decided to check to see if I had any gluten problem – the test showed I was gluten sensitive. So I started on a gluten free diet along with the capsules and powder.

Another part was to write a pain diary every day – no real instructions so I had to wing it. I used a spiral bound notebook that was 8 x 51/2, it’s a handy size and comfortable to write things in. I decided to find some clip art figures, side, front and back views; it was only a few months ago I realized my computer could flip the side view so I then had left and right sides. I used double sided tape, then later a glue stick to paste each figure down. Since the figures were fairly nude, I was able to draw on the place that was hurting – often it was the same thing many days in a row. Now what I wrote wasn’t technical or scientific, it was simply what I felt, what I was doing and what was happening. I made comments and sometimes my frustrations were quite obvious in the terms I used. The first time I showed it to him, he was a little surprised – not sure what he was expecting. I continued to write – there was one period of time early this year when I wasn’t able to write at all because of the pain and problems with my neck and shoulder. By the time I was finished, I had 2 complete notebooks filled and bulging from the pasted figures. When I gave them to him on my last visit, he was quite surprised. Whether it has scientific value is questionable, but it may be entertaining for him to read.

There was no one else on the study who had had it for 40 years as I have, there were different lengths and probably gave him a good selection to study. I would go to see him every 4 to 6 weeks after I was established on the capsules and powder. One frustrating thing was the set of questions to answer every time I went in – my answers really didn’t ft the questions. If I were doing it from a patient point of view, it would look a lot different – but no one asked my opinion, probably just as well. They said it would take about 15 minutes to fill then out – took me half an hour. I had to go to the research center early so I could do the forms before seeing the doc – that last few times they gave them to me to fill out before I came the next time. Still a pain to fill out but I didn’t have to go so early.

He would occasionally do blood tests and at one point decided I needed fish oil. So I was given a bottle of their fish oil to take every day. One day I mentioned I was having a hard time finding something gluten free when I was out somewhere, I didn’t really want a big lunch, just something to help the hungries. So he gave me some gluten free bars I can carry n my purse that fill me up while I am out and I don’t get a headache because I didn’t have anything to eat. Often I would leave the center with one or two large bags of products that must have cost at least $250. All I had to pay for was my gas and the toll on the bridge. I don’t know how much the whole thing cost, I’m just glad it wasn’t on my nickel.

I’m sure he found me a bit frustrating at times – the week after I started the study I fell and really hurt my knee. Later I had some difficulty with the coated product and I think there was something else. So my study wasn’t all that smooth. I did lose 13 pounds but then gained back 2 – not bad, I would rather lose than gain. For a while I wasn’t having hot flashes any more, when I went off the powder and capsules, I now have them again but rather mild. There was no dramatic change, but I am moving a whole lot better than I was a year ago. He decided to have me go off everything and see what kind of a difference there was – not much of anything. So last Friday was my last visit for this particular project. He did say he would contact me if something else came up that he thinks I would be a candidate for, so maybe it isn’t a complete washout after all.

I will miss seeing all of them at the center, everyone was friendly and fun to be with – though Dr. Bob took a while to loosen up and relax a bit. So it is all over, it was kind of fun, interesting and if in any way I was of help for the study, that is great. I am glad I did and look forward to seeing what happens in the future.

Tags:Fish oil, Gluten-free diet, Medical food, rheumatoid arthritis
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Just For Me

November 15, 2011

I decided today was just for me, so I went to the spa – was there just as they opened at 9. It has not been easy the past week and I needed something to take care of myself – some major self care. I went by myself which was fine, it was my day and I figured if I met someone and talked to them, great. It is interesting to go there, it is no clothes, women only. At first the idea of not wearing clothes in front of other people is a little uncomfortable – something in me says I should have a slender body. Well, news flash, I don’t. But then, no one else does either and very shortly it is a nonissue. I will admit to being fascinated by the tattoos some women have – from a small one to some major art work on a large area of their body. But essentially we are all the same, just arranged with varying degrees of amounts in places. It reminds me of swimming in a way, I never looked in the mirror and just concentrated on what I want to do. What I found was me spending the first couple of hours thinking “This is just for me, I don’t have to think about anyone or anything else”, etc. After a bit I began to relax and concentrated on centering and grounding myself.

I started in the 97 degree pool; I sat in front of one of the jets and it began to reverberate inside my chest, a rather odd, though not unpleasant sensation. Then I went to the 104 degree whirlpool for awhile. As I was sitting in the whirlpool, I suddenly thought of my sister Ellen’s paintings of tiled rooms they were absolutely gorgeous with blues, greens and all kinds of combinations of both. I am not sure they were like Roman baths, but if I remember correctly, they were like this spa. As I looked at the women moving around, I suddenly thought of them as Ruben’s women. He painted women in the 1800’s who were fair skinned and well upholstered – like me. After a certain point I get really hot, so then I go over to the 60 degreepool. It is really cold as I put both feet in, but then it isn’t too bad – I have worked up to standing wait deep for a few minutes.. One woman told me that the old Korean ladies go back and forth between the hot and cold pools – that is what keeps them moving comfortably. Next time I work up to my chest – one day I even stay for 5 minutes! I decided to try the steam room – wow! was that hot, especially on my face. I wasn’t there very long, I could feel the sweat pouring down my face and I could taste the salt. I had a rinsing shower, then headed for the tea room.

I brought a book with me and had paid the extra $5 for unlimited tea. The tea room is small with lovely music playing softly. I love their jasmine tea, doesn’t need sugar or anything. I was the only one there, so I enjoyed a quiet hour with tea, my book and my own company. After that I did some more hot and cold pools, then I went into have lunch. They have gluten free things, though I couldn’t drink the barley tea they serve. I asked if I could bring my tea cup in filled with jasmine tea – no cups and saucers but I could take one of her cups and have jasmine tea. I don’t know how to pronounce my lunch but it was delicious – brown rice, all kinds of vegetables, chicken and a fried egg on top. It came in a hot iron bowl and the rice at the bottom had a bit of crust on the bottom. It looked like quite a large bowl, I was surprised to find myself finishing it. I worked with chopsticks for awhile but my hand got tired so I used the spoon for the rest. I also read with lunch and quite enjoyed myself.

I had one more go at the pools – I would go use the rooms but every one of them – charcoal, salt, etc. -all require you to sit or lie on the floor – not something I can do easily. Yes, I can fall down with no problem,but getting up is quite another story. That’s all right, I had quite a nice time with me, myself and I. I was really feeling mellow by then – when I came in the morning I wanted to stay all day and not go home – but I found by 2, I was ready to come back. Fortunately the traffic was light and it all worked out quite well. I definitely will be going back again and again. Not bad day for $40 – of course if I do the body wrap, the scrub, massage, body waxing and the moisturizing it would be a whole heck of a lot more.

Tags:Day spa, Self care, Tea
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I Want to be Musetta!

November 7, 2011

I was listening to my CD in the car “Puccini Without Words”. I love his music, it is so beautiful it hurts. As I was riding along in the sunshine, I suddenly realized how much fun Musetta always had, whereas Mimi had a periods of strom and drang. Ever since my parents gave me a 2 record set (yes, it was that long ago) of Puccini’s “La Boheme” ( The Bohemians). I played that record set until it had deep grooves worn into it.

The story is set in Paris in the period around 1830. There is a poet, musician and artist living in a garret, all with no money. They decide to go out and Rudolfo stays behind to finish his work. It essentially focuses on the love between the flower maker called Mimì and the poet Rodolfo. They almost immediately fall in love with each other, and he takes Mimi down to meet his friends. Musetta, formerly Marcello’s sweetheart, arrives with her rich (and aging) government minister admirer, Alcindoro, to whom she speaks as she might to a lapdog. It is clear she has tired of him. To the delight of the Parisians and the embarrassment of her patron, she sings a risqué song (Musetta’s waltz: Quando me’n vo’ – “When I go along”), hoping to reclaim Marcello’s attention. Soon Marcello is burning with jealousy. To be rid of Alcindoro for a bit, Musetta pretends to be suffering from a tight shoe and sends him with it to the shoemaker to be fixed. During the melee that follows, Musetta and Marcello fall into each other’s arms and reconcile.

Rodolfo later wants to leave Mimì because of her flirtatious behavior – the shy flower maker certainly had blossomed. However, Mimì also happens to be mortally ill, and Rodolfo also feels guilt, since their life together likely had worsened her health even further. They reunite for a brief moment at the end before Mimì dies.

I always wanted to be Mimi and fall in love at first meeting It does become a little heavy and unfortunately she dies – not quite an ending I want. I knew all the words to the arias, except for Musetta’s Waltz, not really sure why because it is quite lovely. She has a small part but each time I hear her music, it is lighthearted and gay – she has such fun and she is the one who decides where she goes, what she does and who she sees. After all, when she came across Marcello again, she knew she had the power to attract him again, no matter how much he denied he was interested. She had no compunction about dumping Alcindoro and later fought with Marcello when he started being controlling again – all the reasons they split the last time. She is a bit of a bad girl in a fun way.

I have been feeling my bad girl trying to get out – I have never acknowledged her before – I was raised too much of a good girl to even think there could be a bad girl who wanted to come out and play. I realize a lot of my life has been looking for approval and permission to do something, make sure I am “right” because I didn’t trust my own instincts. I gave my power away since I can remember – I didn’t know I had power or that I could use it because I didn’t think I was worthy, that I had a right to my power. There is Musetta, doing what she wants and what works for her, not caring about other people’s opinion. I wonder why I never really paid that much attention to her all this time while I have been enjoying the music.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know where to take this post – it may just be a short post and let it go at that. Usually I start with something and the next thing I know, it is 800 or 900 words later and I have a blog post. Well, there is no ironclad rule that my posts have to be a certain length, they just begin and end when I am finished. It is interesting because I feel as if I have spent my life living by other people’s rules; to suddenly think in terms of my own rules or no rules at all is a fairly foreign concept to me. Those rules were safety and deciding whether it is no rules or my own is new territory. However, I am more and more ready to navigate that territory and see what I find.

Tags:choice, Giacomo Puccini, La bohème, Musetta
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Unexpected Lessons

October 28, 2011

It has been a very interesting two weeks, not anything I would like to repeat, thank you very much. First it was me, I went to bed one night and suddenly was dizzy as I started to lie down. Whoa, this is familiar and I am not happy about it. I had a middle ear infection a couple of times in the past and the doc couldn’t do anything but give me something for the symptoms – dizziness, headache and nausea. He said it would go away in 10 days. The first few days were a little rough, had to watch how I bent in any direction as well as lying down or changing positions. It did dissipate and I was fine. This time I was moving slowly but doing well, went to my networking breakfast group, then had a lovely coffee morning with a friend When I got up to make a pitstop, suddenly I had a terrible headache and upset stomach. I found myself overwhelmingly tired as well – now that was a new one on me. I managed to drive home safely ready to head for bed. Didn’t quite make it because I had a couple of things waiting for me at home. At one point I fell fast asleep in the chair and that helped a bit, but I was in bed by 8:30 that night. I slept well and was better the next day, though still being aware of how I bent in any direction. All this on top of having a lot of neck and shoulder pain again – I had a project for a client and I was on the computer too long.

That was me. About 4 am Monday morning I woke up and hear my Mom calling – she had fallen and was having trouble getting up. I called 911 and asked for help – I specifically asked them to come quietly, no sirens or lights. They were great and when Mom’s hip hurt when they lifted her, they called an ambulance to take her to the ER. Then I got dressed and went down to see her. I am happy to report no broken bones, just bad bruising and unfortunately compressed discs in her lower back from arthritis. They were very good to her and it was a quiet time while we were there. They gave her prescriptions for an anti-inflammatory and Vicodin for the pain. I took her home and tucked her into bed, then went out for the scripts. I gave her the pain pill and she slept most of the day and night. She was a little better the next day but the 2nd day got to her, so it was not the easiest day. I know from my own experience that the 2nd day is usually the worst, the day after it can feel as if I have “gotten away with it”. It is now Friday and she is doing a lot better. My big concern was that she wouldn’t be able to do thngs for herself, I am not physically able to help her and I wondered what I would do to take care of what was necessary.

I am rather pleased with myself, I didn’t get all panicky and scared when it happened, nor when I was in the ER and even since Mom has been home. My goodness, I have finally grown up! I suddenly realize I have been dealing with my own stuff and also with Mom and I don’t feel worried or scared. I will admit to an odd moment or more of “what if?” but I took myself in hand and concentrated on being just in that moment. At that moment I was safe, Mom was safe, Eddie was safe and we are doing well. I had never really done that before and while in that moment I called on God, my angels, spirits, guides and master teachers to be with me to help and guide me through this. So far I have been calm and at peace, though a bit stir crazy once in awhile. So I have been comfortable leaving Mom for a little bit to do what I needed to do and have a little alone time for myself. However, Monday is MY day and I am spending it with my good friend Kathie at Olypmus Spa to soak in hot tubs, steamrooms, whatever feels good. Mom will have her ladies, so she won’t be alone.

I’ve realized I am now the parent, doing what Mom used to do for us girls when we were growing up. Before it was just a word I didn’t want to think about or acknowledge, but now it is here right in front of me. I realized I wasn’t alone, Eddie has been great helping with things, I knew her doctor was there if I needed anything or had questions and I also know someone whose business is providing help for people in their homes. It has been quite an experience, one I do not want to repeat, but it has given me more confidence in myself.

Tags:Capable, Dizziness, Fall, Family
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Button, Buttons, Buttons

October 9, 2011

I was so pleased to see my sisters when they came for Mom’s birthday. I don’t see them very often and it was fun to be together for a few days. Mom was very glad to see them, though she did seem a bit overwhelmed at times. One of the gifts they brought was an objective view of how things are working here – Eddie and I are too close to see it with objectivity. It was gratifying to hear them say how well we deal with Mom, that we are very good with her. They said how patient we are – I will admit I get impatient and sometimes it sneaks out in spite of my efforts. Ellen made a very valuable observation – I realized when she said it that it has been going around in my brain but I didn’t have words for it. She observed that when Mom has too much coming at her, she gets agitated and feisty ( my paraphrase) so she suggested not expecting her to always understand exactly. I realized I have been expecting logic and sense as well as wanting to be right about things; I would get irritated and frustrated when it didn’t happen. As Dr. Phil says “And how’s that working for you?”. Sounds like we push each other’s buttons.

Speaking of buttons, another things Ellen talked about was buttons. She had wanted to be in solitary contemplation and the head person said to her “Oh no dear, you don’t want to do that”. She explained that it is important to live in a community with other people until you have your rough edges smoothed off, otherwise you will slice yourself to death on those rough edges. You come across all kinds of people, including people who drive you crazy and push your buttons. The objective is to come to the point where you no longer have buttons to push. I started thinking about it visualized a row of buttons from my throat to my root chakra. Then I realized I probably have a double row at times and possibly down both legs. Depends on the situation. Then I visualized a button fading until it wasn’t there any more – now, do I have to label the buttons so I know which ones are fading? There I go again, overthinking it and wanting the hows, whys and wherefores in great detail. That’s my need to “get it right”, or is it fear of being wrong. Add one huge button for that in the middle of my forehead.

I have realized lately that most of my buttons are on autopilot – something happens and I am angry but not sure how it happened or why. One thing I am learning in working with Debye in my massage is where some of this is coming from. A lightbulb went on in one session when I realized a lot of it is from childhood and my little girl who didn’t know how to deal with it. I have gathered up in my arms and put her in my heart so she is safe. Now I know that I am the adult and my job is to love her and protect her so she can be carefree and play in the sunshine. Her perception was so different from the facts, but she didn’t know that. So now when something comes up, the first things I do is to hug my little girl and tell her she is fine, she doesn’t have to worry or deal with it, I am here to protect her. I haven’t gotten it down pat yet – I still react rather than think it through objectively, but I am getting better at comforting my little girl first. I may not know the exact trigger at the time, so I have to think if this is really about me or not. I tend to take responsibility for everything and everyone – it’s not my job. What a relief to know that.

When my husband and mother argue a bit, I no longer feel I have to referee or make them feel better afterwards. Old habits are to break, now I let them work it out because “I don’t have a dog in the fight”. From Ike Pono I learned “I care, but not so much”. Which translated is, I care but I am not going to tie myself up in knots about it. It doesn’t help anyone to do that, my past experience definitely shows me that. I am also learning that often, it isn’t about me and not to take it personally. Oh my, that is a big button for me. I am getting a college level course in that with my Mom. Living in the house I grew up in with my husband and my mother is a guaranteed button pusher. At times I feel caught in the middle – maybe that is how moms feel with growing kids and a husband. My Mom is 93 and seems to be more of a little girl than an adult – except she knows what being an adult is like. So I have become the parent (reluctantly) and no experience being a parent. As she has gotten more and more confused and bewildered, she comes out with the most surprising things. Sometimes it is funny, sometimes if it hurtful. So now I am learning more about it’s not about me and not to take it personally. I am doing better than I was at the beginning, but I find at times it takes me by surprise and all my buttons are firing. The good news is, some of them are fading a little and I am slowly getting better at handling it. There is still a long way to go but I have come a long way.

Tags:Buttons, Dr. Phil, Triggers
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The Party Continued

October 2, 2011

For a birthday celebration we didn’t really plan too much, it turned out to be quite busy. Sunday was a quiet day for all of us except Eddie – he went up early to the Future of Flight for the delivery of the 1st 787 and I didn’t see him until Tuesday afternoon. Our neighbor Luzma next came by in the afternoon to ask if we liked ribs – we said yes and thought no more about it. Candy and Ellen went for a walk and a while later Luzma appeared with ribs, potato salad, baked beans, BBQ sauce and corn muffins. When Ellen and Candy came back, the five of sat down for a delicious and messy meal. We all had a good time and really didn’t want much to eat later.

Monday it was pouring all day – no big surprise in Seattle. We all go on the theory “If you wait for a sunny day to do things, you won’t be doing very much”. Unless it is blowing a gale or torrential rain, we go out and do whatever the weather. Ellen invited us all out for lunch at Anthony’s Home Port in Des Moines. We had a table by the window looking out over the marina – wonder why there wasn’t much activity. We were warm and dry, enjoying a lovely lunch and each others company while the rain came down. A very delightful and unexpected treat. We came home and decided to watch a video in the afternoon – Ellen had given Mom one about living with bears. It was a 3 part – we saw the first two parts Spring and Summer. It was delightful and quite amazing that in the back woods of Minnesota, researchers working to conserve and protect black bears were able to be among them without a problem. Gordon Buchanan was able to film the bears up close once they recognized him. He followed one particular young mother and her cub during filming, as the young came out of the den for the first time until it was time to hibernate for the winter.

We had a light dinner and watched the 2nd part – it was Wednesday afternoon by the time Mom and I watched the 3rd part. Then Ellen and Candy had to pack and get ready to leave in the morning. I had a breakfast and Showcase that morning, I was able to do it between 2 sisters. Ellen needed to be at the airport by 7, the breakfast was at 8:30 at the race track and at 9:30 the Showcase was open. So I had 2 hours to visit as many promotional suppliers I could – 2 hours of walking and standing on concrete really started to get to my knees and feet. I didn’t have time to meet several suppliers I wanted to talk with, but I did pretty well for 2 hours. I left around 11:30, was home by 12 – Candy and Mom had some alone time, so it worked out well. We took her to the airport and dropped her at Departures and then we came home – we were both quite tired after a delightful weekend of birthday. I was about to have a lie down around 1 or so and suddenly Eddie appeared, tired as well but had a great time. The delivery went well even though Monday it poured, but a good time was had by all.

It has taken a few days for me to rest a bit, I was too tired to sleep at times and that doesn’t help. The next three days I was up early, 2 networking meetings and Friday I saw the study doctor. Looks like I may be coming to the end of the line – I am to go off the medical food and supplement for 6 weeks and then see him to let him know if there is any difference. I was having trouble with the new capsule, my intestines didn’t seem to want to accept it gracefully. I started it a year ago and I will say I am doing better than when I started. I will also admit it is hard to remember back that far and how I felt – maybe it is true that pain has no memory. I will continue doing a shake in the morning, I just have to decide what to put in it. I have liquid calcium and liquid Vit D, I also can put in some yogurt, banana, maybe some whey protein powder, ground flax seed or chia seeds. I bought some almond butter to put in a teaspoon or so, maybe a tablespoon. We’ll see how it goes. Instead of milk, I might do coconut milk. I will file a report in 6 weeks with the results.

As I was driving home from Gig Harbor – an hour away – I was listening to the alternative talk station KKNW. They were talking about IDA, something new to me. Who is IDA? IDA is a what, a non-profit for Invisible Disabilities Association. For those with chronic illness and similar conditions, most often we don’t look as if anything is wrong. We look perfectly healthy and people don’t really understand the difficulties we have. I feel I have been beating my head against the wall for 40 years and now I have found a group who has been able to put it all together. Hurray!!!!!!!!! I have put up a profile in the autoimmune Disease group – I was amazed at all the different groups they have. Check it out atwww.invisibledisabilitycommunities.org

Tags:Birthday, Friday, Home, Mother
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

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