Archive for the ‘Musings’ Category

An “Interesting” Week

September 1, 2012

It has been one of those weeks when all I wanted to do is whinge – that’s why you haven’t seen a blog post from me.  I need to keep my promise of a no whinge zone.  Life has certainly been interesting lately, it feels so much better to come out of the tunnel than being stuck in the middle with no light in the distance.  The drug study I was on was a real trip – I usually don’t get such bad side effects from drugs, but for some reason my body was not happy with the whole thing.  The frustrating part was finding that it was beginning to help, but side effects that made me so miserable weren’t worth the trade off.  I think I am almost back to normal- though now instead of diarrhea, I am constipated.    Well, at the momentI I can deal with that.

The group doing the drug study is really great, they were really sorry I had so much trouble with the drug.  The only part I will miss is seeing my “friends” there, that’s how I have come to feel about them.  We kid around and I give Chris a hard time when he comes to draw blood – many tubes of blood!  I tell him he looks too eager when comes into the room, that I see through his sweet Southern boy “Aw Shucks” act.  He actually does a very good job, I hardly feel it.  Apparently I run like a faucet, so they don’t have trouble collecting blood for their tubes.  I have one more visit and I am done – last exit visit.

They have another study for another drug, they gave me information about it.  I read through it and it made me uneasy – so much more blood work and 4 visits where I have to stay 6 hours.  At this point I can’t stay that long and it doesn’t appeal to me.  Doing the blood monitoring was no big deal, but this sounds a bit more than I am willing to do.  I’ll bet that is the one with a shoe box full of tubes instead of box about a third the size for the one I did.  They were very understanding when I declined, it didn’t really surprise them.

I went to see my rheumatologist last Thursday, it’s been 6 months since I have seen her.    So Jenn, her nurse, asked me if there have been any changes, so I told her about my broken hip.  Turns out they know my surgeon as well.  The doc gave me two bits of information I didn’t want to hear – a broken bone doesn’t work as well as if did before the break and 70% of people who break a bone, break another within two years.  I have decided I am in the 30% that didn’t.  She was also delighted to hear I am on Medicare, now I can qualify for the biologic drug she has been wanting to put me on for 10 years.  So she is going to check to see if it it will work to cover the cost.

I am happy to say I am beginning to sleep at night again, no more gas and bloating or upset stomach where I have to drink baking soda and water to help relieve it.   I have been so all mighty tired this last week or more, I kept falling asleep in the chair while Judge Judy was on.  I had a 2 hour nap on Tuesday  because I was so beat – it helped some but at least now I am doing better at this moment.

I had my first Tai Chi lesson last Sunday while Eddie was at the Museum of Flight.  We met in Des Moines at a small grassy area near the pier – not as quiet as I thought it would be.  But I just decided I was going to work on it and if people thought we were a bit nuts, that was their perception.  The first 15 minutes or so was some explanation, then he taught me the “Preparation”.  It is the warm up to the form.  I have to admit, the warm up is a bit like patting the stomach and tapping your head.  I don’t know if I have quite gotten it, but Ron said even if I get wrong, it will still give me benefit.  For the last few minutes he taught me the beginning of the form, two sets of movements.  It looks easy but not as easy as I thought.  So I have something to practice and I may do another lesson next Sunday on his day at the Museum.  Not sure what I will do long term.

Yesterday I did something for me, I spent the day with my friend Charlotte.  We met at University Village and wandered around Paper Source because we both like it and found some wonderful things.  Then we had lunch at Blue C Sushi – what a busy place!  The Friday before labor Day weekend is probably not the best time to go because we both had to twirl around the parking lot to find an open parking space.  It was a lovely day in the 70;s and we talked non-stop about everything but what is worrying each of us.  It was a great break for me and for her.

Nothing earth shaking happened, it was just an upsetting and difficult week or more and I didn’t want to unload on you.  I ran across this cartoon and thought it really made a very pithy point.

“Hey Up Lee! Put On Your Listening Ears!”

August 19, 2012

Life has been most uncomfortable this past week – although it is a double blind drug study, I think I have been taking the drug.  I doubt a placebo would give me headache, upset stomach, gas, bloating, cramps and constant diarrhea.  It has intensified this past week, the first two weeks were a symptom or two at a time.    I will be honest, I have been miserable and drag my ass tired because I have been afraid to go to sleep and then have an accident in the bed.  Most of the time it has been right after dinner when everything starts, during the day it has been okay except for headache and gas.  Enough of that!

  Since Saturday I have been having a lot of side effects from the drug study – I figure I have the drug because no placebo would do this to me.  It gives me headaches, upset stomach, bloating, gas,  cramps and diarrhea.   In the beginning it was a bit here and there, but Saturday early morning it was intensified.  I felt as if I had a migraine and it upset my stomach and it always seems right after dinner when the diarrhea starts.  I called Carey on Monday to let her know and she suggested stopping the drug for a couple of days.  So I did, but it didn’t make any difference, neither did the Imodium.  I started it again Wednesday night and it seemed to make everything even worse.  So I have reached my limit – this is a deal breaker.  I don’t like quitting something I promised to do, but my body is telling me she is not happy and to stop already!  I will call Carey this morning and see if she wants me to continue on the week of blood pressure monitoring and then bring the equipment back on Tuesday.  I am disappointed because I was beginning to notice some improvements, but not enough to offset the side effects.  They did tell me they have other studies, so who knows what else may be in store.

Since all of that was going on, I wasn’t sleeping very well, scared I would have an accident in bed isn’t conducive to sound sleep.  Wednesday morning I went to my breakfast group and then to the eye doctor.  I have  the beginning of cataracts and they want to keep an ye on them – so far they are developing very slowly, so I am not going to have to have surgery yet.  by the time I was finished, I was so tired I could hardly  keep my eyes open.  I came home and went to bed, slept with Bunny for 2 1/2 hours and still didn’t feel rested – but it was better.  Yesterday I was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open and was ready for bed at 8:30 – only to find myself making 6 – 8 trips to the bathroom.  Guess who was wide awake?  I sat in my office chair for 2 hours, going in and out of sleep until after midnight.  I finally felt I could go to bed and I would be okay.

The interesting things about it is for the the first time I started thinking about this whole thing in terms of my body.  I have different drugs for RA but this the first time I have had such difficult side effects.  Now I am wondering if my body is telling me something (Get a clue Lee!).  I remembering thinking I wished it wasn’t a drug but I was elated to notice some benefits, so I forgot about those thoughts.  However, it has taken quite a lot to finally get my attention.  I was telling Debye about it when I had my massage on Thursday and she told me to check in with my body and then decide if this is for you.  I haven’t been doing that, I just want the RA gone but not examine the consequences.  I have also become more aware in the last few months and years, now I am learning a new way to see things and at times I feel I am a very slow learner.  This has certainly given me an education – an advanced course – in listen to body, mind and spirit more.

Farther Into The Thin Places

August 12, 2012

Yesterday morning when my Mom got up, she asked me who she is.  It happened a couple of weeks ago and it really surprised me.  I know she doesn’t always know who I am, but she has always known who she was.  She is the most confused in the morning when she wakes up; later in the morning it is better but not always.  The other thing she said was she didn’t think she was in the right place – where the right place I have no clue.  I told this is her place right now and after going through a couple of times, she seemed okay.  At least she didn’t do her “never mind, forget it” routine.  There have been days when she seems to have one foot in this world and one in the next world, what my sister Candy calls the thin places.  Every day Mom goes more and more into the thin places – she wants so much to be on the other side with Dad, Josie the cat and her family – she is scared they really aren’t there.  My friend Monty told me they are preparing a place for Mom and because she will be confused at the beginning, she will have guides to help her through the transition.  I have told her this, she wants to believe it so much but I don’t know what scares her so much.

I have watched this very independent (and stubborn) woman become so tentative and afraid, asking permission to do anything.  She once said she used up all her courage to fly from Connecticut to California to marry my Dad right after Pearl Harbor.  I wonder if that was really true.  What I also realize is that is one of my childhood programs.  We were always taught to ask permission first before doing anything – except my younger sister was the one who at time would announce she had done such and so.  Where did that come from?  How did I miss that?  I definitely was brought up to be a good girl, follow the rules, ask permission, etc.  No wonder I have had a hard time trusting myself and following my heart.  I didn’t listen to my heart because it was different from what I learned at home.  Let’s face it, I wanted to be accepted, acceptable while not having the courage of my convictions.  Ye Gods & Little Fishes!  At 65 I am still that way in some things but I am breaking out of my shell and taking risks.  Well, risks for me.

I also notice how negative Mom has become.  She doubts everything and is convinced the worst possible scenario will come to pass.  She just left for a walk with the new caregiver and I said she didn’t need to take the house key, that I would be here and the house would be open.  She doesn’t think so.  Not sure what she thinks will happen but I suspect having the door key makes her feel more secure.  I am not going to try to persuade her to leave the key here, it isn’t going to make a difference but she will feel better having it.  I have grown up with that negativity from the time I can remember, but it has intensified so much the past few years.  I really see now how much I have absorbed that thinking for most of my life, now I am finally much more aware and recognize more often.  No, it’s isn’t all the time but I have also changed my thinking.  In the morning before I get out of bed, I thank and give gratitude to God, my Spirit Guides, Angels and Master Teachers for all I have been blessed with – comfortable and uncomfortable.    I will admit it isn’t whole-hearted yet – those uncomfortable  ones aren’t quite there yet.  I am a work in progress.

I also notice Mom tends to mumble and talk about things that make no sense, not even sure they make sense to her.  More and more I don’t know what she is trying to say, only that she gets frustrated and upset she can’t get the words out.  Then she goes straight to “never mind, it doesn’t matter!”.  She talks about other people in the house, I don’t know if they live here or just visit or if she sees them or only senses them.  She is confused a lot about who I am, yesterday she thought I was her sister.  She thinks Eddie is her father, my father, her husband – I wonder if it is because he is the only male she sees consistently.

I often wonder where my Mom is and who is this confused and scared woman living with us.  She looks like Mom but not much resemblance other than that.

Squirrel Wheel Week – Part 2

August 7, 2012

Doing stuff for Mom was not the only thing I worked on the last 2 weeks.  I signed up for the drug study for Rheumatoid Arthritis – a lot more stuff to do than I realized.  since they are doing it to monitor blood pressure, I have had a lot of blood pressure reading taken in several forms.  I have them at the doc’s office, then they sent me home with a blood pressure monitor and cuff, plus a modem.  I was to do my blood pressure twice, one minute apart in the morning and again at night.  The modem sends it directly to the group who does the monitoring.  Except it turned out the modem wasn’t working.  So Carey ordered a new one and we met halfway between to exchange them.  The following week I took the equipment back and had to do a 24 hour blood pressure monitoring – even 20 minutes.  So I had the cuff on my left arm, a belt with the monitor in a pouch.  This was about 10 in the morning, so it would be the following morning at 10 before I could take it off.  An interesting experience.  I didn’t really have much to do that day, so I came home and worked on things here.  If I was standing when the little beep went off, I had to sit down and wait for it to do its thing.  I will admit, I didn’t get much sleep that night, though after 10 pm the beep was silent until 6 am.  I went to Breakfast Club with it, amid questions.  The real bummer was having to fast until I went to the doc – I knew there were more blood tests coming. I was pleased that Brandy made a breakfast to go for me, I was going need some protein when I was finished.  After all the stuff Carey had to do, time was marching on – but I finally was given the drug.  They are bright turquoise caplets – not quite football shaped.  I took two then and then it is two twice a day for the study.   I didn’t think it would take so long and I ended up late for Mom’s evaluation.  Fortunately Kathy was there and I made it in time to talk to Linda before she left.

I went back again last week with my pill bottle – seemed a shame to get rid of them when I hadn’t used more than half a bottle.  Carey ended up giving it back to me for this week.  She also had me doing the blood pressure twice a day again, tonight is the last one.  I will take it back to her tomorrow and see what else she has in store for me.  I am not sure if I notice anything yet because there have been so many other things I have had to deal with that I haven’t really thought about it.  Mostly they are checking to see if the rise in blood pressure they have noticed in other studies will affect someone whose blood pressure is steady.  If so, they will have to make adjustments.

In the middle of all the other stuff, I was asked to do the 5 minute presentation on short notice, so I said I would.  Of course I had to do a self promo to give away – short notice self promos don’t always work out the way one expects.  I had seen a great idea using a prescription bottle with a really cool label, then filled with breath mints.  I didn’t have time to order the prescription bottles so I looked around and found some cool blue glass bottles.  They looked great when I put the label on – but the M&M’s were too big for the mouth of the jar.  So I found some Smarties that came in rolls, I figured two rolls would fill the bottle.  They went into the mouth go the bottle but the neck was too narrow.  I almost didn’t do the promo, then decided it was a good example of last-minute projects and why lead time is important.  I took two rolls of Smarties and taped them together, so they received a bottle and a set of 2 rolls.  Also my topic about follow up went pretty well but I ran out of time – good thing I had a handout.

To add to all of the other things, I bought a new Mac and an iPad.  I took my old one in to do a data transfer after I had bought an external hard drive to back everything up in case there was a problem with the data transfer.  I used Eddie’s laptop while mine was at Apple, I certainly missed it!  Now I have it back and it is working out pretty well, just some things I don’t know how to get working.  I bought the One to One for a year, now I have to figure out when I can go in for my hour once a week.  I feel as if I have been going at a dead run, but I accomplished everything I was scrambling to do.  I pat myself on the back for that.

I’m sure I have forgotten some things, they will probably come back to me at some point.  Oh, to add to the “I swear, there is a funny side”, Mom asked me the other morning when I was about to pour her coffee – “Are sure it is legal for you to do this?”  I told her of course, I don’t serve anything illegal here.   The big “They” lost that one.

Squirrel Wheel Week

August 6, 2012

I feel I have been running the squirrel wheel for the past 2 weeks – the only difference is that I actually accomplished things.

I have enrolled my Mom in the PACE ElderPlace program, she has new doctors, caregivers, etc. now.  Not that she is all that happy about it.  But this is an all-inclusive program with a Day Center 5 days a week and caregivers for the days she isn’t there.    It began August 1st, but on the 30th of July  they sent a van for us so Mom could meet her new doctor – a really neat older woman – a nutritionist, the physical therapist and the nurse.    I arranged for someone to come in the morning and help her shower and dress so she would be ready at 9:30.  Then Tuesday I had the same caregiver spend the day with her.  Wednesday the program began and Nancy came Wednesday morning so I could go the Breakfast Club.  I had hoped to go out a bit but John the plumber was coming after Breakfast Club, so I never was able to leave.  Nancy left at 2:30, so that was my day.  Thursday they didn’t have a caregiver – guess who had to cancel plans for an outing with my good friend Charlotte.  I was really hoping it would work out and upset when it didn’t.  Then Friday Mom went to the Center but I had to meet her up there at 11 for her physical – she was not a happy camper.  By the time that was finished I only had time to have lunch before I needed to be back when the van came to drop her off.  Another day shot.

I think the schedule has almost all the time covered , there wasn’t a caregiver available for this morning, so it was up to me.  Mom was not happy about going to the Center, kept asking me why she had to go there.   She was at me and at me until I lost it and told her frankly I needed time to myself.  Then she said I am trying to get rid of her.  No telling what she will say about it when she gets back in a short while.  Or how tomorrow morning will go.  The schedule is Monday through Thursday at the Center, 9-4 Friday Saturday and Sunday.  It was done this way so Eddie and I can have a weekend to ourselves.  I was hoping it would be Tuesday through Friday so Mom’s Domino ladies could meet her on Monday.  Unfortunately the Center on Friday is filled.   So we’ll see how this works.  It pretty much means I only have about 4 hours to myself Monday through Thursday and most of the day Friday – I will see how I can arrange my life around it.

I have talked to several people at ElderPlace – the doctor, nurse, social worker, home management coordinator, recreation therapist, physical therapist – I think there are still several to go.  I have the impression the first month is like a shakedown cruise to see how all of it works.  They will be getting to know Mom and I hope she will begin to like going there.  So much behind the scenes stuff to do, for me and for them.  They are a great group over there and are used to working with people who don’t want to be there.  I will admit I can’t do it any more – I feel the way I did just before I broke my hip, worn out physically and exhausted mentally and emotionally.  We are looking to find an adult family home for her because she is at a point where she needs more people around her.  She also needs a lot more help and care than before, her domino ladies have noticed how  fast she has gone downhill in a short time.  A small part of me feels a bit guilty for doing it but most of me just feels it would be such a relief.  Besides, maybe when she is settled in a new place we can have a better relationship even though she often doesn’t know who I am.  I have had several people tell me they have a better relationship with their mother now that they aren’t living in the same house.

One thing I kept hearing in rehab – “You can’t go back to doing all that you were for your mom or you will end up back here permanently.”  I am concerned about my health and just how much I can do.  I do know I am very careful around doorways when my Mom is around.  It is also affecting my marriage and that is very important to me, so at this point it is definitely time to find “a place for Mom”.

The interesting part is in the last few days I have been feeling more confident of myself – it isn’t easy navigating through unknown territory with land mines, but I have great people helping me and I now realize I can do it even when it is uncomfortable.  One of the gifts of this whole situation.  I have often wondered if I might have felt more like an adult if I had had children.  Well, guess what, I have a 3 year girl with an adult mind and it has really made me grow up even more.

Another Ball To Juggle

July 22, 2012

Sometimes I wonder if I am in my right mind.  With all the stuff happening I have enrolled in a drug study for RA.  It is focused on blood pressure and how it is affected  by the drug.  Fortunately it is only a 35 day double blind study, then I will be on open label with the real drug.  I don’t have to go of any of my meds and we’ll see how it works.

I found out about it at the beginning of the year – it was for the full study and there was such a time crunch that it wasn’t really going to work for me to be examined and the labs before the deadline.  However, Cari told me they were doing this second part with blood pressure focus and it would be a short one – that I qualified for it because I am on a blood pressure med.  She thought it would start in March but it was only last month when she contacted me again.  Last Monday I went down to Tacoma to do lab tests, blood work, TB test, chest x-rays, examine my joints plus questions, questions, questions.

The problem of being 65 and having RA for 41 years is that I have done a lot of things over the years and it is hard to remember just when things occurred.  So when she asked when I started Methotrexate, I had to stop and think – Where was I at the time?  Then I could figure out approximate years and then what was happening at the time.  First Cari asked me a whole bunch of questions, then Dr. Ettlinger has a whole mess himself.  They wanted concise answers and I have a tendency to give all the details – probably took longer than it should have.

They said they would process the tests and see if I qualify – three days later Cari called to say I passed with flying colors.  Except that isn’t necessarily good news.  It means I have more than 4 painful joints, my sed rate is up and I can’t remember what else was elevated.  So it may not sound good in normal circumstances but in this context, it is great news.

I went back a week later  and they gave me a blood pressure monitor and a modem to take home with me – they wanted me to take my blood pressure twice a day – two times one minute apart.  Fortunately the monitor keeps the readings because the modem was not working.   Cari had been on the phone with the group with the modem but no matter what she tried, it really wasn’t behaving.  She had me take it home to see how it worked here – it didn’t.   So I called her that afternoon and told her it definitely wasn’t working, so she was going to call and see about getting another one.  She thought it would arrive on Wednesday morning, so she was going to call and let me know when it arrived.  She did call but it wasn’t going to work very well for me, but since I was going to be in Edgewood the next day for my massage, I could meet her outside the Safeway in Milton.  And so it worked out well.

I have been using the monitor since I saw her last Monday and it is going well – the modem is working and all is hunky dory.  It is rather interesting to see what the blood pressure is, plus my pulse and so far it hasn’t gone above 117.  It also went down to 96 – reminds me of rehab when they were constantly doing my vitals every time I turned around.  My pressure ranged from 97 to 132 – the last one was when I was scared out of my sleep in the middle of the night.  I had no idea everything could vary so much.

Next step is Tuesday – I will go back and give them the modem and monitor, then they will put a 24 hour blood pressure monitor on me.  I will come back Wednesday morning to give that back to them and then actually start taking the drug.  I am going to have to fast for Wednesday morning – wouldn’t you know it would be Breakfast Club.  I need to remember to take something to eat when they say it is okay, I will be hungry by then.  who knows what else they will want to do before they let me go home with the drug.  It’s an interesting process and I wonder what the results will be.  It is probably easier to just forget about it and do what I need to do, then maybe one day I will notice how much better I feel.

It should be an interesting week, beginning the drug study and my Mom will be evaluated to see if she qualifies for a program to help her with activities and another place to live.  I am concerned about the transition and how it will be for her, so I have asked God, my angels, spirit guides and master teaches to create the solution – to know it is already in place.  I am so glad I am not all alone doing this.

I Swear, There Is A Funny Side

July 17, 2012

I know I have written about the frustrations, fears, etc. about being here for my Mom with her dementia and macular degeneration – those who are dealing with it know that only too well.  But it also has its funny side, sometimes Mom comes out with the oddest things, some from so far in left field I wonder where it comes from.  I keep reminding myself to just see it as normal rather than overreacting.  As someone in my caregivers; group said, sometimes it is a bit macabre humor.

I was getting out of the shower to dry myself one morning and Mom came to the doorway.  First she had to find out if it was me or someone else, but that was quickly established.  However, her next question was so unexpected – she wanted to know if I was a man or a woman.  I know she has macular degeneration, but she was only about 3 feet from me.  Go figure.

The other morning she was up when I was making breakfast, so I made her breakfast too.  As we were eating, she wanted to know if it was all right for me to do it,  Would I get in trouble for doing it?  I told her there was no problem, the Breakfast Police don’t come to our house.

One evening a few weeks ago, Eddie went through the living room to go into our office.  Mom saw him go by and knew his name is Eddie, but she asked what his last name was.  I said it was Kaplanian – to which she replied “They’re all Kaplanians!”.

She has mentioned several times her first husband – I thought my Dad was her first and only one, the one with whom she had three daughters.  Unfortunately she isn’t able to really describe him, so it is a mystery to me.  Then the other night my older sister called to talk with Mom, but later Mom said she talked with a male cousin whom she had spoken to in a long time.  Then she said she spoke with her son, someone she has mentioned before – could he be the son with the first husband?

She thinks there are men living downstairs, sometimes women are in the house.  Lately she asks about the little girls, if they have gone to school – I think that maybe my  sisters and I when we were growing up.  Now there is an older man – he’s not very nice – and a young boy whom she really likes.  When she asks me if I have seen any of these people, I can honestly say I haven’t.  There are times when the house is beginning to get a little crowded.

When I come home and am going into my office, Mom is standing 3 feet from me and asks “Are you here?” – I don’t quite know what to answer.  I would have thought it was obvious because I was right there in front of her.  The other question she keeps asking is “Are you all right?”.  I have learned to tell her I am doing very well because apparently she has been worried about me since I broke my hip – except she has asked that question over and over for as long as I can remmember.

The other night I swear we were in a pinball machine and someone pulled the handle so Mom went from me to Eddie and back again several times.  I was talking to my sister in the kitchen while Eddie was watching tv in the bedroom – she may have even done  a couple of trips into the office to see who was there.  It’s a strange world she lives in and a wild ride at times – they say life is the journey, not the destination and to enjoy the ride.  Hmm, I don’t like roller coasters and there are times when it feels like I am riding one.

Some days it is easy to laugh things off and just be; other times it is very very difficult to deal with it – plus all the other times in between.  At leas there are things that happen or are said that strike me funny – though I do have an oddball sense of humor.  Plus, I would rather laugh than be irritated and tear my hair out.  I will continue to keep track of the funny side of dementia and give you more examples as they come up.

If I don’t laugh about this or any of the other things I am dealing with, I would go nuts.  I don’t fancy a padded room any time soon.

My Story About The Transition

July 15, 2012

I never know where my posts are going to come from or who may give me a suggestion; any more than I know where or how they will end.  This is one of them.

When I saw Dr. Cheryl, my chiropractor – she is a post in itself – on Monday, she asked about my week and I ended up talking to her about Mom.  I said Mom was scared about leaving this life and going on to the next step – she wants so much to believe Dad and Josie are there waiting for her but is afraid it isn’t really true.   Cheryl suggested I make a story about the transition, with colors, smells, sounds, etc.  Then tell it to Mom and see if that would make her less scared.  My first thought was “What in the world would I create?”.  Not quite the usual response “No, I can’t do that”.  Strangely enough I pictured the ocean and a beach with a huge pile of rocks that looked as if she would have to climb them all in order to reach Dad and Josie at the end of the beach way in the distance.

As I began thinking more about it, I pictured her warm and comfortable in her bed, the covers making her feel cosy and secure.   Then a golden presence comes to fill and surround her with deep, unconditional love and a knowing she is loved because she is.  There are two guides to help her with her confusion, gently guiding her to being fully awake and  knowing the golden presence is real.  (I was listening to the radio an few days later and someone mentioned the rainbow bridge, so I added that to it.)  As they take her hand, Mom is feeling a little less scared and the three of them slowly move through the white light to the rainbow bridge.  On the other side of the bridge – that transition to the paragraph below hasn’t quite materialized yet.  Any suggestions are certainly welcome!

Then Mom and her guides are on the beach with the ocean waves hitting the sand , a very soothing and relaxing sound  Mom is noticing as she has been walking that she fees lighter, her body is beginning to be more comfortable and the depression has started to clear.  She hears the gulls crying above, flying in circles above her looking for food and enjoying the feeling of soaring.  The sun is warm on her back and the white clouds above look like huge puffy cotton balls.  A lovely cool breeze ruffles her hair and she finds herself enjoying feelings she had forgotten had existed.  She sees rocks coming up – a huge pile with sharp edges that looked as if she would have to climb them all in order to reach the other part of the beach where Dad and Josie are waiting for her way in the distance.

I thought of the rocks as a sort of maze, that her guides would take her to the rocks and instead of climbing over them, there was an opening no one else could see, that took her on a lovely sandy path through the rocks.  The sand sparkled as if it was made of diamonds and at each bend in the maze was a corner with a wonderful glow, each a different color.  There would be something there that when she picked it up, she would know one more piece of the puzzle.  With each piece, she would become more sure of herself and the way to meet Dad and Josie – that it is all true and not just a yearning.

 That’s it so far.   One Friday I went out to sit on the porch and enjoy the evening sunshine – Mom came out with me for awhile.  I had my eyes closed because I was facing the sun; behind my eyelids the light was glowing yellow/white, but it wasn’t harsh, it was gentle and lovely.  Some how the subject came up about making the transition, so I said I had made up a story about it – just how I pictured it.  So I told her – not as much detailed as I have written here because it is work in progress – how it came to me and she thought I had a wonderful imagination.   Whether any of it stuck with her, I have no idea, it just felt as if God had given me an opportunity and  maybe there will be another one so I can add the details.  Who knows, it is always one minute at a time, one step at a time no matter how impatient I am.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Officialdom Grinds Slowly

July 12, 2012

I have been frustrated the past few weeks working on finding a place for my Mom.  She is now at a point where she needs more care and also more social activity.  I have found a place that combines a place to live and also a day center in another location that will provide her with a doctor, OT, PT, Social Worker, Dentist, etc.  My husband and I checked out the  day center and we really liked what we saw.  It was clean, didn’t smell and people were engaged in activities.  So we decided to enroll her in the program.  I gave Corina Mom’s SSN and she fax info over for a request to have an evaluation done.  Then they would be able to better decide what would best serve her needs – assisted living, adult family home.  Then she went on holiday for a week.  I was supposed to hear from the group who would do the evaluation but I didn’t hear Boo.

It had taken 2 weeks to meet her and tour the facility, now another week before anything happened.  When she came back from holiday, the fax never went through, so she called them and they said they would have a case manager assigned.  She told me that if I didn’t hear anything by Friday I was to call and find out the name.  Another week of waiting.  To be honest, I was very antsy to put this all in place, but I finally realized that there is a reason why things are taking so long – I haven’t a clue what it is.  It is hard to be patient but I am working on it.  I called Friday, was given the name of the case manager and was transferred to her line.  She was off that day, had been out in the field the day before and the day before that was a holiday.  So it is wait until Monday.

Monday came and and I had a voicemail from the woman – except she was out in the field with a phone with no voicemail.  The Universe sometimes has a strange sense of humor.  We finally connected in the afternoon – only to find she thought Mom was ready for Medicaid and if she did the assessment (2 – 4 hours) she would have to place Mom by the end of the month.  I was trying to explain that we were told it was to see what kind of living situation would best suit Mom’s needs.  She said she would talk to Corina and tell her the situation.  I emailed Corina to let her know what was happening and apparently on Tuesday was most upset talking to the manager.  I didn’t hear about it until Tuesday afternoon when the case manager called me.  Apparently she and her boss worked it out with Corina, though she wouldn’t be able to do the assessment until July 25th.

Meanwhile I had a bio of Mom to fill out the the place – not sure I answered everything because some things I don’t know.  In between all the phone calls, etc., I went over and dropped the necessary paperwork they need.  I had a heck of a time finding it – they rent space from a rehab and nursing center.  The first time I dropped of paperwork, I went to the front desk but they had no idea who I was looking for when they checked their list.  Well, they wouldn’t because they only have info on the people who are part of the rehab and nursing center.  She sent me upstairs and I found it again from our tour the other week.  Not so easy this week, there is construction going on in the hallway that takes you to the day center.  I ended having someone show me how to get there and finally things looked familiar.  I knew I could go through the cafeteria but I could figure out which door – we had come out through it rather than going in.  The benefits were that I had a good walk and I delivered the paperwork.  Now it is hurry up and wait again.

I have to keep telling myself I have put it in God’s hands to create a solution that works for everyone.  When I keep running the squirrel wheel of worrying and trying to “fix it”, it is as if I keep snatching out of God’s hands.  It is saying I don’t trust that the Universe takes care of me and the people involved.  There other things that need attention as well and if I keep in the squirrel cage too long or too fast, I will be like the tiger in “little Black Sambo” and turn into butter.

I am getting a lot better at recognizing when I am getting into a funk and I just tell ego – thank you for sharing, I choose something else.   I am tired of allowing myself to be sucked in by negative thoughts and feelings, mine as well as other people’s.  I also am recognizing I have a choice and  when I feel it from other people, I wrap myself in my golden bubble to protect myself because it is not about me.  Even though I am frustrated and not sure how it is going to work out at times, I am definitely learning patience.

Odds & Ends

July 8, 2012

Some days it is so easy to write, other days – like today – I feel all jumbled up and not sure what to write.  There are several unrelated things I want to write about but there isn’t enough for a full post on any of them.  Hence the Odds & Ends title.

I am very frustrated because I cannot get my photos to be small enough so I can add a picture of Bunny to my post “There’s Something About Bunny”.  Mobile is closed on my Mac and I need a new computer, but I am waiting until the upgrade to Lion is in – I bought this computer just before leopard came out and so I had Tiger – but bought it just a little too soon to get the free upgrade.  This time I am going to start from the beginning.  Unless you have a Mac, no doubt what I just wrote makes very little sense to PC users.

Tuesday I went to Good Company Lunch – a networking group of people in Alternative Medicine, etc. – to some it’s the “woo woo group”.  I was sitting with my friend Kathie Brodie, a hypnotherapist and very close friend, and Brad Simkins, a therapist and intuitive who has a radio show.  We were at a restaurant that really isn’t conducive to our group because we were out in the restaurant with noise and at a long table.  So you could only talk comfortably with the people next to you or possibly across the table.  However, I know there was a reason the three of us were at the end of the table together.  They were asking how Mom was doing and I suddenly started getting drippy – fortunately it is a loving, supportive group and non-judgmental.  Suddenly Brad asked me “When did you first become your mother’s emotional support?”.  Ye Gods and little fishes!  I had no idea I was!  Well, let’s face it, the tough questions are what bring up what needs to be resolved.  They both knew some people who remember from an early age when it started; I don’t really know.  Nor did I ever think about it.  This is one of those to give it to God, Spirit Guides, Angels and Master Teachers for help and guidance plus put on the back burner and let it simmer.  Wracking my brain about it really is productive and I have enough to drive me crazy without adding another one to the mix.

Then Friday I had a lovely time with Kathie at Queen Mary Tea Room for lunch.  We went there a while back for their wonderful breakfast – what a delight they remembered me to make reservations.  We talked about Brad’s question, plus I had had my massage the day before and told Debye and Monty about it.  Monty had another question for me – “Where is it lodged in your body?”.  Great, just what I needed, another bloody question I hadn’t a clue about the answer.  What was so cool about Kathie was, she said to just ask my body what color it is, where is it and does it have a shape?  Then I can do psychic surgery on it to take it out.  She imagines she touches each fingernail and a sharp knife comes out, then she scoops the “stuff” out and gives it to the beings in Mother Earth who consume it and turn it back to positive.  These beings thrive on our negative stuff, plus then return it to the atmosphere in love and light.  Sometime it can be a spigot that one turns to drain it out – whatever works.  Right now I am listening for the color of it, then see if there is a shape.  It make take several times to clear everything – I’ll let you know when things happen.

I had the foundation of a crown done a couple of weeks ago – this coming Wednesday I am due to have the permanent crown put in to finish the job.  I will tell you, he did a real number on the right side of my mouth.  I expected the gum and jaw where was working to hurt, but good Lord, did the rest of that side have to hurt too?  I had a sore in my cheek, sores on my tongue and the whole side was really tender and uncomfortable.  This in addition to a sore I have had for a month behind my front teeth.  Having an over bite certainly didn’t help.  So I have been chewing on my left side and being very careful of both hot and cold things – pain shoots right up through the tooth where the temporary crown is.  Well, I am happy to say I am feeling a lot better and the right side of my mouth isa whole lot better -just have to chew on the left.  What a relief to have things more close to normal and comfortable again.

I have been going to visit Dr. Cheryl lately – she is the neatest chiropractor because he fingers not only feel what is going on, it is as if they can also see.  She is very gentle with me – none of the crack and pop stuff – because she knows me.  She sees me as a whole person and surrounds me with loving kindness.  It is a pleasure to lie on her table and see and feel what she is doing.  What’s interesting as well is that she has intuitive sights into me – she asked if I sang and I said I used to, though sometimes I sing in the car with the radio.  She said it would help for me to sing, that is no problem for me because at times I can’t not sing.  Also she mentioned flutes, to help, so I have been listening to bamboo flute music on Youtube.  I find Japanese, Chinese, Turkish, Thai, etc. and also I check out pan pipes because I love those as well.

This seems to be more like a newsletter or a bulletin – that is how it has come together this week.  As always, I look forward to hearing your comments and any suggestions because I enjoy learning about new things.


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