“Do You Have Rheumatoid Arthritis?”

That was  what the ad  said that I saw on the back page of the first section of the Seattle Times about a place near Tacoma looking for people with Rheumatoid Arthritis.  They are doing natural supplements, so I called, left a message with my phone number.  The next day I had a call from Leslie and she said I needed an official diagnosis of RA and a year of lab work.  I call my rheumatologist’s office and talked to her assistant who said she would fax it over.  I gave her Leslie’s name and number so she could find out the fax number.  Then the following week I called Leslie and she made an appointment for me to see a doctor to evaluate me.  So I am not quite in yet, we will see what happens Wednesday.  The lab and the natural supplements will be paid for by them, though not sure how long the project will be – something to ask the doc.  I am happy they are natural supplements since I have had my fill of meds – though I am still taking them so I can move.  It isn’t anything harmful and I don’t think I will have to stop my meds.  Lots of questions, answers on Wednesday.

Leslie sent me an email with the registration form – Ye Gods and Little Fishes!  It’s 20 pages and it’s a good thing I decided to work on this morning.   I am up to page 11.  The thing about having had RA for 40 years is there are so many things that I don’t remember them all or when.  I moved around a lot so I have to stop and think so I can picture where it was.  Then I have to remember what doctor it was so I can remember the city.  Some of the docs were great, some were okay and some were lacking in bedside manner.  Thank goodness none of them were quacks or incompetent – when I was ready to go the next city I would ask for a recommendation from my present doc.  So I did quite well in that department.  I remember one who was lacking in bedside manner, but he knew his stuff and that was much more important.  I  have been meaning to keep copies of records I fill out so I will have it for the next time – except I haven’t.  So I am doing this one on the computer so I will print it out but also have a copy for myself.

In a way, filling out this form has helped me look back at what’s happened over the years, there may even be a point when I will see a time or incident that was a gift I just didn’t recognize at the time.  I look back at how young and inexperienced I was in November 1970 when I was first diagnosed – no idea what RA was any more than I really knew anything about the world or Life.  Well, I have definitely received an education in 40 years, I am a very different person now.  I was a young girl then, I am a woman now and stepping into my power at last.  I probably had to go through all of those events during those years to be the woman I am today – I can’t honestly say I wouldn’t change a thing;  I may need more perspective since I am a work in progress.   I remember when I went to Australia in 1969 to be married, I was 22 going on 16, though I thought I was terribly mature.  Well, a year and a half in the boondocks of New South Wales certainly helped me grow up a lot, then 40 years of RA has finished the job.

As I think about doing this project ( if I qualify and am accepted) I wonder if I have any unconscious expectations?  Consciously I am setting an intention of being open, receptive, willing and unlimited, to take it as it comes and see what happens.  Will this be something that makes a difference and helps me be more comfortable?  I know there is a lot of inside work I have to do that no pill or liquid can change – I have to change it.  What’s different about that is now I am willing to know the truth about myself because now I know there isn’t some god awful bitch on wheels living at the core of me.  There is probably a scared little girl;  plus my inner bitch, but she is also necessary as well as the loving person I am.  I have decided that the truth about myself isn’t all negative as I have always thought, there are some less than nice parts but on the whole, I am a really nice person.  Now my childhood training said that you don’t talk well of yourself because it is boasting.  So the last couple of sentence were a bit harder for me – I kept wondering if I was boasting or being arrogant.  As they say in Ike Pono, your programs keep coming up, it is how you deal with them that makes the difference.

I will keep you posted on what happens with this project.

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