Posts Tagged ‘Wagon Train’

Is it just me?

May 4, 2010

This seems to be a real wagon train period, the trail has been full of potholes, the wheel broke and the trail isn’t very clear, only a couple of miles a day.  Now I promised I wouldn’t whinge and I won’t.  It is simply that I don’t have all the answers or have it made – I too have those times when it doesn’t seem there is any progress or difference and it can be discouraging.  I would love to have a good cry and get it all out, at the moment that isn’t an option.  But what I have learned is that writing it out often clears it all out and then I can feel the sun come out again.

There is a good chance that ego is creeping in to take over again – she is furious that I have finally begun to understand she is the false self, not the real me.  Eckert Tolle says that just by observing what is happening, ego begins to lose her power.  At  a low point, it can feel as if she is fully in control and I don’t have the energy to notice, much less work on finding the gratitude and positive aspects of my life at that moment.  There is another part where he writes about a woman who came to him and was so depressed and despondent, she poured out all her woes to him and he listened, free of judgement.  Then he told her something that has stuck in mind my and I have used it many times.  As I am writing this paragraph, that’s what I needed to remember very early this morning when I was uncomfortable and having trouble sleeping.

When the woman had come to the end of her story, he said: “At this moment, this is how you feel.  There is nothing you can do about the fact that at this moment this is how you feel.  Now, instead of wanting this moment to be different from the way it is, which adds more pain to the pain that is already there, is it possible for you to completely accept this is what you feel right now?”  The woman said she wouldn’t accept it.  He then told her: “I am not asking you to do anything.  All I am asking is that you find out whether it is possible for for you to allow those feelings to be there.  In other words, if you don’t mind being unhappy, what happens to the unhappiness?”.  After a few minutes she realized that although she was still unhappy, there was a space around it.  It seemed to matter less.

I have remembered that and thought, can I just accept this is how I feel at the moment, without wanting it to be different?  It is a different way to see it and although I haven’t gotten to the point of accepting it wholeheartedly yet, I know I feel better shortly after that.  That’s what I forgot to do last night in my discomfort and feeling discouraged.  That definitely opened the door for ego to creep in and try to take over control again.  Sometimes it is only a matter of being willing to accept it – being willing makes a big difference.  Maybe later the trail will be more defined and the ruts and mud holes are gone for a bit.  Those mountains are bound to look closer soon.

What is the purpose?

March 6, 2010

I was checking email today and came across a newsletter I receive regularly.  There was a post from Wayne Dyer about his book and movie “The Shift”.  He shared a poem about the Kalahari Bushmen and it  really hit me.

The Bushman in the Kalahari Desert talk about two “hungers.”

There is the Great Hunger and there is the Little Hunger. The Little Hunger wants food for the belly; but the Great Hunger, the greatest hunger of all, is the hunger for meaning. . . .

There’s ultimately only one thing that makes human beings deeply and profoundly bitter, and that is to have thrust upon them a life without meaning. . . .

There is nothing wrong in searching for happiness. . . .

But of far more comfort to the soul . . .
is something greater than happiness or unhappiness, and that is meaning.

Because meaning transfigures all. . . .

Once what you are doing has for you meaning,
it is irrelevant whether you’re happy or unhappy.
You are content—you are not alone in your Spirit—you belong.1

(Sir Laurens van der Post from Hasten Slowly,a film by Mickey Lemle)

I realized I have been wondering about the purpose of having RA, the reason for it because sometimes things are a little easier to deal with if there is a reason or purpose.  I have been wondering for a long time what my purpose is here in this life; so far there hasn’t been any light bulb moment where I  suddenly understand it completely.  I have been exploring and in many ways my whole life and dealing with RA has been a journey – very long, slow journey.  It is  as if I am on a wagon train out west and every day the train makes 5 to 10 miles.  It is progress to the goal but often the mountains don’t seem any closer than they did when I started in the morning.  I began to see that I had been looking for that one piece that would suddenly make everything fall into place and make perfect sense, all would be completely clear to me.  Instead, it is a wagon train and  there are different trails to explore if I want to,  or keep on the beaten path.  I am also still not sure what I want to be when I grow up.

I asked a medical intuitive the other day “What is the purpose of RA?”.  She gave me a very unexpected answer – it could be preparation for the next life.  Or it could be the results of a past life.  It I am paying for something I did in another life, I had better have had one hell of a good time!   She explained that in her case, she had a very, very difficult time in her last life, the beginning of this life she was encased in a cast from the waist down.  As a result, she is able to help other people through seeing what  the underlying cause is in their condition.  I will admit, I wasn’t quite sure what to think – it has been simmering on the back burner of my mind ever since. I know that things come along when I am ready for them, maybe now I am more open and receptive to possibilities I might have thought were crazy or off the wall a few years ago.  Yet I still want to know “Why me”, though maybe it is more a matter of “Why not me?”.  It continues to simmer on that burner.


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