This seems to be a real wagon train period, the trail has been full of potholes, the wheel broke and the trail isn’t very clear, only a couple of miles a day. Now I promised I wouldn’t whinge and I won’t. It is simply that I don’t have all the answers or have it made – I too have those times when it doesn’t seem there is any progress or difference and it can be discouraging. I would love to have a good cry and get it all out, at the moment that isn’t an option. But what I have learned is that writing it out often clears it all out and then I can feel the sun come out again.
There is a good chance that ego is creeping in to take over again – she is furious that I have finally begun to understand she is the false self, not the real me. Eckert Tolle says that just by observing what is happening, ego begins to lose her power. At a low point, it can feel as if she is fully in control and I don’t have the energy to notice, much less work on finding the gratitude and positive aspects of my life at that moment. There is another part where he writes about a woman who came to him and was so depressed and despondent, she poured out all her woes to him and he listened, free of judgement. Then he told her something that has stuck in mind my and I have used it many times. As I am writing this paragraph, that’s what I needed to remember very early this morning when I was uncomfortable and having trouble sleeping.
When the woman had come to the end of her story, he said: “At this moment, this is how you feel. There is nothing you can do about the fact that at this moment this is how you feel. Now, instead of wanting this moment to be different from the way it is, which adds more pain to the pain that is already there, is it possible for you to completely accept this is what you feel right now?” The woman said she wouldn’t accept it. He then told her: “I am not asking you to do anything. All I am asking is that you find out whether it is possible for for you to allow those feelings to be there. In other words, if you don’t mind being unhappy, what happens to the unhappiness?”. After a few minutes she realized that although she was still unhappy, there was a space around it. It seemed to matter less.
I have remembered that and thought, can I just accept this is how I feel at the moment, without wanting it to be different? It is a different way to see it and although I haven’t gotten to the point of accepting it wholeheartedly yet, I know I feel better shortly after that. That’s what I forgot to do last night in my discomfort and feeling discouraged. That definitely opened the door for ego to creep in and try to take over control again. Sometimes it is only a matter of being willing to accept it – being willing makes a big difference. Maybe later the trail will be more defined and the ruts and mud holes are gone for a bit. Those mountains are bound to look closer soon.
Gift of RA 