Gift of RA

Progress – Slowly Forward

July 3, 2011

Things are going better, though I did overdo when I did the last post because it felt good to be able to work on the computer. So I paid for it and now am much more cautious about the computer. Definitely means not much has happened with my business, my journaling, and any of the projects I had been working on – definitely puts a crimp in things. However, it has also made me stop to think about my life and what I want – a time for meditation, re-evaluating and taking care of myself. I haven’t put myself first much, too much early “somebody else’s training” from childhood that said to take care of everyone else and if anything is left over, I can take care of me. A little harder at 64 but I am ready to work on it and perfect it since I know if I am filled up and overflowing, I can give the overflow to others.

My massage therapist is away for 3 weeks, so I have been wondering how I can keep from stuffing the emotions and adding to the junk already stuck in my shoulders. What I have come up with is to just breathe, especially when the stressful situations come. I just think in terms of “Breathe in love, Breathe out negativity” for however long I need to do it and by, George, it seems to work. Also to be grounded and one way is to play in a mud puddle, connecting with Mother Earth. Now it has been a long time since I played in a puddle and at first, I was deciding where I could create one and all that overthinking. I ended up digging in the corner of the small bed under the water faucet – I could turn on the tap and not have to carry water. I had trouble digging the weeds and almost gave up, but I am glad I didn’t It was a beautiful sunny 75 degree day – the first since last September. So I rolled up my pant legs and paddle in my puddle for a bit – hard to stand too long, so I need to get a chair to sit and have fun for longer.

While I was creating my puddle, my Mom asked what I was doing, so I told her and invited her to play with me. She wasn’t quite ready to that. That was fine, I am glad I asked her. When my husband came home, he asked who had been digging in the garden. he thought it was Mom because she is the gardener, but I said “No, not Mom.” So he asked who and I said it was me. Then it was why, so I told him to connect with Mother Earth. Some silence and then “Okay”. I don’t think he was quite sure about the whole thing. Well, that was all right too. Unfortunately we went back into Junuary again and it hasn’t been nice weather until this weekend. We might actually begin to have summer now – we aren’t counting on it since it has been such a weird spring. Right now most of the country is sweltering and we have finally just beginning to stop wearing winter clothes.

After writing this, I am doing fine, but there is in the back of my mind just how much longer should I write and not mess up my shoulder. I am not stressing so much that my business is at a stand still, I feel there is a transition coming and I need this time to let it emerge on its own without forcing it. If someone wants to do a promotion with imprinted items, I will definitely be available to do it.

I wish all of you the best of health and willingness to put yourself first – you deserve it!

Tags: Family, Parents, Self care
Posted in Musings | 4 Comments »

Big Thank You/Huge Apology

June 19, 2011

The past few weeks have been so frustrating because I have not been able to much of anything because of my neck and shoulders. I send you a huge apology for not keeping to my once a week blog writing and a very big Thank You for sticking with me through this time.

This will be a short one because although I am finally doing better, I am not back to my usual ability to do things. I have had so many ideas for this blog, wanted to write in my journal and of course make sure I am able to conduct business as well. Not being able to do any of those things has brought anger, frustration and anything else you can think of in the way of being upset. But there has been a gift in it – not what I expected but something I needed and was ready to hear.

I have had this ice pick in the shoulder blade before, usually with rest and standing with my shoulders back, it has passed. But 4 straight, intense days doing quotes for a client for her board meeting was more than I have ever done in one sitting – not a smart move. I figured it would right itself, especially since I didn’t think anything could be done. NEWS FLASH TO SELF: All you had to do was ask the massage therapist and/or the chiropractor you know and you wouldn’t have had to go through all this balderdash. I did talk to the massage therapist and she knew exactly what was going on – triggers.

So I have had 4 deep tissue massages, deeper than I thought I could do with RA and it also surprised Debye. What I learned is a lot of it is stuffed and suppressed energy and emotions lodged in my shoulders – people carry it in different places in the body. When I went the second time, all of a sudden at one point I was bawling my eyes out – I had finally let some of it out. The third session it didn’t happen but this Wednesday’s session I really let a lot out. I am much better but I know there is a lot more crap to release and expel. Lord only knows what is stored in my knees!

I also finally understand what “Speak Your Truth” actually means. I thought it had to be some profound “Aha” moment, but it isn’t. It is simply saying what I am thinking and feeling – without judgment, no right or wrong, good or bad. As I was coming home, I felt an icepick stab and thought “What is this”? I thought back to that morning when I was getting ready to leave for my networking breakfast group and found my Mom didn’t know who I was. It isn’t the first time, she is 92 and not always with it the way she used to be. But as I was driving along with the windows down – a rare sunny, warm day – I said what I was feeling out loud in the wind, even yelled to express what was going on inside me. Then I realized the icepick was gone. Hmmmm, there is something to this after all.

I am now at a point where I need to quit or I will be in trouble again. I wanted to let you know what is happening and I needed to say it. Thank You for being interested in what I have to say, I am always interested in what you have to say – I have always thought of this as a conversation rather than just me writing what is going on in my life as I deal with RA.

Let’s hope it won’t be quite so long the next time I write.

Tags: Alternative medicine, Health, Humor, Massage
Posted in Musings | 2 Comments »

Friday Mish Mash

May 13, 2011

I just looked back at my last post and realized how long ago it has been – it doesn’t seem that long since I wrote it. But looking back over the past few weeks, life definitely happened. I have been recovering from waaaaaaaaay too much computer for my business – a client needed quotes for a board meeting a few days away and I spent 4 very intense days creating them and giving them to her the day before the meeting. My right shoulder and my neck were not happy with me and they definitely let me know. I hurt so much and was so uncomfortable that I could barely do anything. I found it very hard not to use the computer, sometimes I feel we are surgically attached to each other. Unfortunately I couldn’t stay away from it enough to let things relax and heal, so I have prolonged the time I need. It is a whole lot better – except yesterday and the day before I had a couple of new clients ask for quotes and ideas. I am pacing myself more, I sent 2 lots to the new client and will work more slowly on the rest of her. The other was a present client and I was able to find something more in her budget since what she really wants is so over the budget it is out of sight. My shoulder and neck are telling me “Cut it out!” and I am listening.

I have been reading a very interesting book by a really cool woman named SARK. It’s called “Glad No Matter What”. It definitely isn’t a Pollyanna kind of book, but one that takes a good look at grief, loss and change to find the gift and opportunity in it. One of the things I came away with was to feel my feelings rather than stuff them down or distract myself with other things. The more I allow myself to feel them, the less they become. If I ignore them, they will come out in other, more uncomfortable ways. (Newsflash to Self – are you listening? Does this ring a bell?) When I read the beginning, she said to think about how you are feeling right now and go to that section; that was cool because she has Curious as one of them and that was what I was feeling at that moment. I skipped around because the one on Self Love was also attracting me – I have been working on loving myself for so long. I ended up reading it from beginning to end and will admit I was sorry to see it end. It is a book I would keep always as one to refer back to any time. She uses real life examples from her life and the losses and difficulties she has had to deal with over the years.

I also went to a Personal Development workshop on Saturday done by a friend. She brought Native American elements into it and it was quote an enjoyable, though at times uncomfortable. (NewsFlash to Self – that means you are growing!) It was a small group which made it even better. If there had been the 20 she had planned for, it would not have been as personal for each of us. It would have just been different and valuable. She had hand made bags for each and we were invited to add our own self promotion if we wanted. Well, I went a bit overboard but I am so glad I did. I had a large organza bag with two pens, business card, a small bag with Mardi Gras beads and a label on the bag that said “Life is a Celebration”. We all wore our beads through the workshop. I also put in a tube of bubbles and a label that said “Find the Fun in Whatever You Do”. And finally my Giraffe Moment button with a card that had my information on one side and an explanation. A bit of fun and a little shameless self promotion.
She also asked if I would do a survival kit for the workshop. I had told her about the ones I did for my networking breakfast group last fall that were fun . We had lunch together an I brought a few to show her – she saw the Real Estate one and wanted to show it to someone who is head of a real estate association who she thought would love it. So I gave it to her. This one was a bit different and the surprising part was finding that I had put in a lot of things that were in the workshop – I had no idea what would be in the material when I made them. However, the one constant in my survival kits is Chocolate because it makes everything better. I worked with my chocolate supplier and she sent prescription bars for the kits both times. I enjoyed doing them both times because I had fun, found my creativity flowing freely and they were personalized.

Another milestone this week was our 42nd wedding anniversary. It is amazing to me we have been married this long, it doesn’t seem more than 25 or 30. I had to meet a client up north near where my other half works and it seemed silly to take 2 cars when the price of gas is so high. So we went together – I am not a big fan of getting up at 4 a.m. – and had time with him and a good time on my own before coming back to pick him up. it also was our actually anniversary, so that made it extra special. The next night we went out for a lovely dinner together. Definitely a glad time and one to remember when I am feeling less than glad at times.

Tags: frustration, Health, Humor
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

A New Experience

April 16, 2011

I just realized it has been too long since I wrote – Life does happen while I am planning. I will say, this last week was really busy – I spent 4 1/2 days glued to the computer doing quotes for a new client. She emailed late Friday afternoon and by Tuesday I was so tired I couldn’t see straight. I finished all the ones she asked for on Tuesday evening because I knew I had appointments all day Wednesday and Thursday. She needed them for a board meeting Thursday, so by the time I hit the wall, I was done. She was very pleased with the result, so that really felt good. However, that left me with a very sore neck and right arm and shoulder from using the mouse and staring at the screen for so long. I felt really good that I finished them and they were well received. I have been doing things (or not doing things) to rest and take it easy for a bit, now I am feeling more myself as well as more rested and comfortable.

The highlight of my week was Thursday afternoon when I went to see my friend Kathie Brodie, a hypnotherapist. She has had training in a new technique called the Eisdale Technique that takes you through 5 levels. About 4 weeks ago I did the first part – sometimes people can do it all in one session, just depends on the person. It was quite interesting because all the time we were doing it, I felt as though I was completely conscious doing it, yet she was working with my superconscious and I could feel my Yes and No fingers responded but I didn’t do anything. We went to 2 levels because that was superconscious knew I was ready for at that point. I went in thinking I was working on RA but since it is not always necessary to know specifically, it can just be referred to as The Issue. Sometimes superconscious says it is necessary to be that detailed, to know exactly what the issue is, what the cause is and in what lifetime. That means playing 20 questions to find out exactly what is needed. As all of this is going on, I was also interested in the questions she asked, how she asked, etc.

I remember Kathie asking superconscious questions about negative emotions and I could feel the tears come even though I wasn’t sure what it was about. By the end of the hour and half session, I had been in two levels, the lowest 2. She was very pleased with the result because she said I had moved so much energy and am very willing and open. The reason we only did 2 levels was because when she asked superconscious if I had had enough, she said yes. I have to admit, I wasn’t quite sure anything had happened, but I trust Kathie that something definitely did happen. I apparently let go of a lot of negative emotions and stuff from my past and present and she made sure those empty spots were filled with love and worthiness. When she brought me out, I had to come back slowly and let everything reintegrate before I left. I remember my legs feeling odd, a kind of tingling plus some in my right fingers. She said it would continue to process and that we would do another session to work on the other levels.

We planned to do the next session the next week, but she ended up coming down with the bad flu going around, so I told her to just let me know when she felt back to her full strength and we would plan a day. Over the past weeks I have felt more open to things, there isn’t that angst about knowing my purpose that I have had for quite a while. I felt as if it didn’t matter, whatever Spirit and the Universe had in mind – it could be something I had never thought of or so different from what I think it might be.

This week we met for the second session and I think it was in the healing level since superconscious said there wasn’t any other level needed to work on. We worked on negative emotions and clearing them – there were 2 areas that were really heavy, I felt my muscles tighten as if I was pushing all of it out of me. At one point I felt the tingling in my legs and then a bit later my back was cold – Kathie had put a blanket over me, so there must have been something about what I was working on at that point. This was probably another hour and half – once again it was hard to believe anything had really happened. It has all been happening at the superconscious level, bypassing conscious and subconscious minds. I trust Kathie that a lot had been accomplished and have decided to know that I know it is true. She said I will continue to process it in my dreams and when I am awake. The most surprising thing was to learn the cause is from another lifetime, though superconscious didn’t need to know what it is or what lifetime.

I am so very grateful to her, she has been such a wonderful friend over the past months, helping me to see things in a different way. She is objective about it while I am too close to it. She tells it straight, but in a very loving way. I highly recommend seeing her to find out what will work for you. She has several different types of modalities and it is all done with loving kindness. I will keep you posted on what I notice in the next few weeks.

Tags: Collective unconscious, hypnosis, Six-dimensional space
Posted in Musings | 2 Comments »

Is this for real?

March 20, 2011

I have been seeing a commercial for a drug for RA and to be honest, it irritates the heck out of me. They have a picture of a woman in black and white, in a nearly bare room and she is sitting there with a hangdog look. The picture next to it is in full color with people and activity – the tagline is The life you live, the life you want to live. Then, because she took the drug, she gets up and walks into the second picture with different clothes and everything is in color and wonderful.

Give me a break! How many of us sit like a bump on a log all day long for years? Not me! Yes, I have days when I am not moving well and it takes some doing to move my tush and get dressed and go out to an appointment. But I have never felt my life was a drab, colorless existence – though it has had its moments. This ad bugs me because it is implied that you can’t do or be anything unless you take this drug. Who told this woman her life was over and she would have to stay at home for the rest of her life because she has RA? Balderdash!! When I did speeches for the Connecticut Chapter of the Arthritis Foundation, one message I wanted to convey was that “Yes, I have RA but my life isn’t over!”. When I introduced myself, I would mention the activities I was doing and the last thing I said was “I’ve had RA for 20 some years”. That usually surprised them because as many of us will tell you, we don’t always look like there is anything wrong. That a whole other entry!

Many people with chronic illness know how important it is to be involved and have interests – we also know it isn’t going to come knocking at the door. We have to go looking for what interests and excites us. That doesn’t mean there aren’t days or weeks when it is so hard to gather the energy to just get dressed, that the prospect of volunteering or helping somewhere is just too much work. The problem with this ad is the assumption that drugs are the only way to feel better. I notice they also talk very quickly when mentioning the side effects. Yes, drugs help, but it it takes mind, body, Spirit and emotions all working together to really make a difference.

Often people have said to me “I don’t know how you do so much with RA”. The answer is – simply out of necessity. I have had times when I knew they had no idea how many times I have had a bad case of “oh-poor-me-osis” – I am the worst off person in the world and no one has it as bad as I do. For most of the time I have had it, my husband traveled a lot, so I was home alone. There were many times when I felt so sore, stiff and full of pain that it was hard to move around the house. Other times I was physically doing well but I was depressed and lonely. I would come to a point where I was so fed up with feeling low and just sitting like a bump on a log that out of desperation I went out to see what I could find to do. I remember taking craft classes, all kinds of other classes, or I volunteered – anything not to sit at home and feel like crap. Strangely enough, I developed new skills with my volunteering, learn all kinds of things with classes.

To make things more interesting, we moved every 2or 4 years, that meant I had to start my life over in a different place. over the years I learned it doesn’t work to try to duplicate what was in the last place – start it all new. I found taking classes, volunteering and joining a Newcomer’s group were really good ways for me. Then I discovered quilting and that was something I could take with me wherever I went and there are always quilt shops, quilt classes and group plus quilters. It was a great starting point in building a new life as I looked for volunteer opportunities, classes and Newcomer’s club. An added benefit to the traveling y husband did was that I was invited along on some trips. I learned to entertain myself and make provisions in case he had to go to dinner and I was at the hotel. It meant I had a chance to check out new places – some trips I could walk well, others were just so-so. As we moved around, we made new friends and sometimes when he had a trip, I would go on one of my own to visit old friends. Some trips were easier to do than others, so I did what I could in the context of my joints at that moment.

The point of this is that waiting around for someone or something to make things better isn’t usually an option – I had to go out and do it myself. If you feel you are that woman in the first black and white picture, it is up to you to create your life. If you want some ideas or encouragement, I would love to hear from you. Or if you have found ways that work, I would love to know about them – this way we can all help each other find what works for each of us. I don’t have all the answers, together with comments and discussions, we can be resources for each other.

Tags: pain, rheumatoid arthritis, solutions, Volunteering
Posted in Questions | 5 Comments »

At last, the gifts!

March 6, 2011

I have been reading Byron Katie’s book “Who Would You Be Without Your Story?” and one of the things she does is turn the statement around and ask for three examples of the gift in it. Now , I have titled this blog Gift of RA but I am not sure if in the year I have been writing it I have actually been giving any examples of the gifts in it. I realize I have always seen RA as a negative, something that has messed up my life and made it very painful, difficult and depressing. Since reading some of the book, I have to look back and see there have been gifts.

I have to admit, it has given me a place to hide so I have not been expected to work, to do things fully and made sure people don’t expect much from me. Then of course, I surprise them by exceeding expectations. Second, I have met and done a lot with the Connecticut chapter of the Arthritis Foundation as Speaker’s Bureau Coordinator and Self Help Course instructor and trainer of new instructors. As a result, I learned I enjoy speaking in front of people (always an agony before) and was on a cable tv show with doctors and health professionals where I held my own quite well. It also gave me an opportunity to help others, sometimes I knew at the time, most of the time I never knew. Third, I have always gotten positive feedback from people, how brave I am, how I do so much while dealing with RA – even had people tell me I am an inspiration and a hero to them. Very good to hear – yet my ego voice kept chiming in with all the negative so I was not able to fully appreciate the gifts. Too much of “If you really knew what was going inside, how much I whinge and feel sorry for myself” and all that; thank goodness I am listening to that less and less. I have spent too much time looking at the negative and feeling negative instead of focusing on what RA has brought me and what I have learned from it.

I will admit to being cranky the last couple of weeks because my hips, thighs and now the knees are really bothering me. I was doing fine and feeling pretty good, then it felt things were going downhill especially because my right leg now hurts at night and sleep is not as easy or restful. So I have focused on that and being upset because I was feeling good and now it is crappy again – in this situation it is hard to focus on the gifts and the advantages of all of this. Reading the book has made me more aware of what is going on inside me – sometimes it is the pits to be aware, easier to be unconscious about what is happening. It is uncomfortable to go below the surface and sometimes I don’t like it, but I know it is important and necessary. I have come to the point where I choose to know the truth about myself – uncomfortable or not. Before it was willing to know the truth, now I choose it.

If I think about not having RA, if by some miracle I was healed of RA, I wonder if I would actually believe it is true and also if it was down in the cellular level. Whose voice is that? So with something positive, the automatic response is negative. Then I would have to ask “Who would I be without RA?” – has that been my identity all these years? I am still working on that one. The other question that comes up is “Can I still do this blog and be authentic without RA?”. There is in me that childhood training of being completely honest – whether I want to or not – and I wonder what I could offer if I don’t have to deal with it any more. In the last Ike Pono weekend I was asked why I am still holding on to RA and when I understand that, will I be able to release the need for RA and it will be gone? What then? I would feel a fraud and that would be very difficult for me. Then I would have to ask myself “Who and what would I be without RA?”.

Good Lord, where is this post going? I started out to talk about some of the gifts of RA and here I am at a completely different subject – I am tempted to erase it and go back to the original subject. If this isn’t helpful please let me know – I think my best course is to end this post and see where I am next time.

Tags: Arthritis Foundation, Gift, identity, rheumatoid arthritis
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

Am I hiding?

March 3, 2011

Last week my husband and I were in the bookstore having coffee. Later he saw a book he wanted and asked me if I wanted a book too. Of course I want a book! I looked around but I keep coming back to one book when I am there and I decided there must be a message in this. The book is Byron Katie’s “Who Would You Be Without Your Story?”. I have looked through it several times and one of the things I noticed is how she takes a statement and is able to get down to the core of the situation.

If that weren’t enough, in the last Ike Pono weekend, I was asked “Why are you still holding on to RA?”. A very uncomfortable moment but I realized it was more true than I was willing to admit to myself. So the Universe is talking to me , it just seems that the subtle hints and messages weren’t getting through, so it was time for more direct communication. So now I have to ask myself why am I still holding on, but also ask who would I be without it?

The “Who Would I be” question is easier to answer now – I would be energetic, able, light, pain free, more focused on what I want to do, more enthusiasm, do things with my husband. So now the question “Why do I hold on to RA?”. I know the answer is fear, though not quite sure the exact fear. I realize having RA is familiar – though very uncomfortable and expensive – so not having it and stepping out into the world and taking a risk is scary. I know I tell myself (and others) I have a limited amount of energy, limited physically and can’t do things the way other people do who don’t have RA. It is a good excuse not to do things that are scary or I am unsure about, plus it means if I don’t do them, I won’t be wrong. The more I think about it, the more I realize I am afraid that should I be RA free with energy, enthusiasm and vitality, I will get in over my head and not fulfill what I promised and let people down. It also means I have to step out and take risks, try new things, learn new skills – the fear is not being able to “get it”. I don’t want to be back in the 6th grade math class with story problems not understanding and feeling lost, scared and clueless. I do promotional marketing and because there is such a wide range of areas to focus on, I don’t know what to choose. Essentially I am afraid to choose and find I made a wrong decision – more of that fear of being wrong. I think that comes from high school and being told to choose a career to prepare for college. The unsaid intent was that whatever I choose will be for the rest of my life. I was afraid of choosing the wrong career and then being stuck with it for the rest of my life. No one told me that people change careers several times in a lifetime, that the choice isn’t necessarily permanent unless you want it to be.

It is not easy to write this because it is hard to admit and acknowledge how much of what is going on has been my choice. I realize I have been hiding behind RA for a long time because I have been afraid of the world – the silent message as I was growing up was the world is a scary place. Be sure you are safe and secure before stepping out. I have not felt safe and secure, nor does hiding make it any better. I have realized I don’t like to compete and with RA, people don’t really expect much from me – I have made sure of that by telling them fairly quickly I have RA. Then when I outperform their expectations, then they are amazed and think I am amazing. Unfortunately, I sometimes feel a bit of a fraud – I have early childhood training about speaking the truth no matter what. Now I am grateful for the gift of integrity my parents gave all three of us, it has just taken almost 60 years to realize it. Sometimes I would love to cut corners, it would make things easier, but that training kicks in and I can’t cut corners.

I am also grateful for the man I married almost 42 years ago. We had been married about a year and half when I was diagnosed with RA and he has been with me through it all. He could have said “I’m done” and walked away, but I married a wonderful man of integrity and love. He has put up with a lot of stuff, invested in pharmaceuticals that don’t pay dividends because they went inside me and watched me in pain a lot of time. He has done so much to help me and be there for me – he still loves me after all that stuff. I will admit not appreciating him as much as he deserves and I told him recently that I had to apologize to him, that I truly appreciate him and all he has done, especially the last few years with my Mom.

All this prompts me to start looking objectively at how I see myself – it been a very negative view and I now choose to see myself in the most positive light and truly begin to love myself.

Tags: Byron Katie, Fear, Health, rheumatoid arthritis
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Who’s Voice?

February 23, 2011

It hasn’t been a stellar week for me in terms of comfort physically, but it brought some interesting insights that hit home. I had been doing well last weekend and was thinking “Maybe there is something to this gluten-free stuff after all”. Then Monday hit and I felt as if I had been run over by a Mack truck. I could barely move and I was so muzzy and tired it took time and coffee before I began to feel human around noon. I have no idea what happened, unless it was that cough medicine I took for this persistent cough – I need to go see the acupuncturist who cleared up the last one. I have always used that one and it has really helped the cough – what was different?

As the week went on, I began to feel better each day – another round of withdrawal from gluten? Then came Thursday night, I was cold all night and Friday I couldn’t get warm all day, my hands were cold and my head was quite warm. It was also the day I felt discouraged with all of this and then something I had read a few days earlier suddenly hit me. It was an “I know that I know” moment. I have been very aware of ego and all her negativity – she definitely was in control that day. But then I remembered someone writing about “Ego Voice” and Inner Voice” and I began think about that and it seemed to fall into place. I was listening to ego voice and all her negative nonsense trying to keep me in fear and frustration. What I wanted to hear was Inner Voice with her loving, positive and empowering words and feelings. I realized if all I hear is ego voice, it is better not to think at all. I have listened to ego voice all my life since I didn’t know there was a difference, but now that I know there is Inner Voice, I choose her. Listening to ego all this time has landed me here with all this going on – suppose I only listen to Inner Voice and see what results I create. I can’t say I only listen to Inner Voice now – ego voice had free reign last night when I couldn’t get to sleep and I was feeling tired and cranky. Though I did switch thoughts to something else and that did help.

However, I woke up this morning cranky and not feeling my shining self, so I asked Spirit for an attitude overhaul – an attitude adjustment wasn’t quite enough to overcome this morning’s cranky. I am doing better now, that was only about 45 minutes ago but there was a shift and I know this works. I remember in 1974 we moved to Los Angeles and rented an apartment in a brand new complex – it was quite nice but for some reason I didn’t like it there. So I said to Spirit “I don’t like it here, would you change my attitude?”. Awhile later I realized my attitude had changed and I was fine. So I have used this over the years and it works – it’s better if I forget all about it after I ask because I have a tendency to keep checking to see if has happened. It is much better to forget it and then realize later on the change has been made.

This weekend I have been feeling better and more comfortable, I will be interested to see what Monday brings. I have an early dentist appointment and then a Roadshow with some suppliers – once again bringing home catalogs and samples that right now are overrunning the office and the basement. The Roadshow means walking and standing, so I know I will be tired when I finish, a nap may be in order when I get home. I would like to be walking comfortably tomorrow so I can talk to the suppliers I most want to see, then decide how much more I can do.

Usually when I do a post, I have a lot to say – this one has about come to the end and yet I feel it needs a conclusion. I haven’t a clue what it needs to be, but I will definitely check in to let you know my progress with listening to Inner Voice more. How is it for you?

UPDATE

It is now 4 weeks later and the mean cough is on the way out. I did see my acupuncturist and have had three treatments plus the chinese herbs every day. I am not so drag my ass tired and I am beginning to feel more myself. I also have been getting daily emails from Julia Rodgers Hamrick of Easy World. She has changed it from just a quote to Love Letters From Spirit – Wow, that makes such a difference! I am now more able to allow Inner Voice in and listen to her, to be comfortable hearing the positive about myself and understanding that small things are triumphs. I am proud of myself for keeping to gluten free for 6 weeks, it has been easier than I thought. I found myself feeling depressed last week when I was working on taxes and found I have not earned much of anything. I suddenly felt a failure and started to beat myself up. Then I changed course – where did that come from? – and began to think about what this promotional products business has brought me. Ike Pono, wonderful friends and relationships, helping people grow their businesses, quite an education in the promotional industry, starting to know I am creative, building confidence and self assurance and also, having fun. I have gained so much from doing it, maybe the next step is making enough money to break even and then slowly increase it every year. Thank You Spirit for helping me turn around a very negative and upsetting experience.

Tags: Ego voice, Gluten, Gluten-free diet, Inner Voice
Posted in Questions | Leave a Comment »

Update

February 13, 2011

I have no idea what to title this post, not even sure where it is going – kinda like the past 2 weeks. I usually write on Sundays but lately I have had a harder time than usual. I had a cold in December and of course the usual cough arrived with it. However, it wouldn’t leave and so it has been hanging on and on. Now I have to take responsibility for not doing something sooner, I kept thinking it would go away by itself. Well, guess what? It didn’t this time and I have been coughing so much my chest hurts. I went to see my acupuncturist almost 3 weeks ago for treatment and she also gave me Chinese herbs to take. Cindy is Chinese and has studied acupuncture in China with some masters, so she really knows her stuff. Se got rid of a cough about 3 years ago – I hadn’t waited so long to see her that time. I hardly feel the needles and I am not a fan of being on the business end of a needle. She also wanted me to drink hot water to flush it out of my system and avoid sugar, so I have been drinking tea for the three weeks until I think I am floating and have had a little sugar. The first treatment she put the needles in places I have had before, but last week for the second treatment, she went to some other spots I hadn’t had before. This fascinates me and I want to ask her questions – trouble is, when I talk, I start coughing. Now, for a motor mouth like me, not talking is very difficult; but I want to be well and if drinking hot walking and keeping my mouth shut is what is needed, I will do my utmost to comply. I am going again Tuesday afternoon, I’m curious to see where she places the needles next.

I chose to go see Cindy rather than my regular doc because I didn’t want to get into the possibility of antibiotics and drugs, I take too many as it is and I prefer to do more natural and non-pharmaceutical treatments. I am doing better, though I have not been very good at not talking or limiting how much I talk. It is taking time and one thing she told me last week, this cough is depleting the nutrients in my body and I am not replenishing them. She has a multivitamin she recommends because it has whole food foundation. It isn’t cheap but I am willing to give it a go and see what happens because I don’t like feeling so tired and dragged out all the time. Instead of short periods of energy and enthusiasm, I want longer and longer ones so I can feel human again. It feels so good to be energetic and things are easier to do – I want to be that way all the time. I am also hoping this gluten free diet will help too, though there are times when I wonder what is happening. I have 2 or 3 good days,then a couple of days like the last two when I felt so tired, stiff and sore. I wonder if there is still some withdrawal going on; after all, that 64 years of accumulated stuff to flush out. Next Tuesday will be 6 weeks, will that be the turning point?

So what have I learned the past 2 weeks? First, don’t wait so long to take care of illness or condition because it is much harder and more uncomfortable the longer I wait. Second, sleep does a body good. I noticed that last weekend. I had two long naps on Saturday and sunday, slept for a bit on Tuesday and also on Friday, wished I had yesterday. I was feeling too tired to sleep and that first nap Saturday afternoon last weekend seemed to break whatever was making it hard for me to sleep and I am doing a lot better. I am sleeping a lot better at night now, what a difference from the months of not sleeping because my legs hurt all night. Third, I am finding it is not very hard to eat gluten free, plus I don’t really miss bread and sweets much. I have to thank all those other gluten intolerant people who came before and created food they could eat – now it is much easier to find gluten free in places. There were a couple of times this week I could eat the food at an event or having coffee at Barnes & Noble – though they do have a packet of Dr. Lucy’s gluten free cookies. I will admit to a small fear – if I decide “Oh well, this once won’t hurt if I eat normally”, I am concerned I will keep doing it rather than be as gluten free as I can be. It is usually that first bite that worries me. The old “Bet you can’t eat just one potato chip” quote. Fourth, when I hurt and am feeling miserable, I remember Eckhart Tolle’s question “There is nothing you can do about the fact at this moment this is what you feel. Now, instead of wanting this moment to be different from the way it is, which adds more pain to the pain that is already there, is it possible for you to completely accept this is what you feel right now?”. Sometimes it is very hard to not want it to be different, but I have had times when I have used this and it actually works. I realize it is ego mind that is ranting and raving about the pain and all the stuff that is happening, she certainly doesn’t want to have me be willing to look at this way. She wants all the power and pain and whingeing are part of it. There have been other times when it has not really worked and I realize ego is more in charge than I realize. Not a happy thought.

I’m sure there are other things I have learned, I just thought of asking that question as I was writing and I usually let things simmer on the back burner for awhile before things make sense. I still haven’t thought of a title, the only one that comes to mind is update. As I have written this, I keep wondering, “Am I whingeing and I promised I wouldn’t?”. I could have chronicled all my pains and crappy days, but no one with a chronic illness needs to hear that because they have stories of their own. It is a time of ups and downs and pretty much how things are for anyone with a chronic illness. I just prefer the ups but I know I learn from the downs and appreciate the ups because of them..

Tags: acupuncture, Eckhart Tolle, Gluten-free diet
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

Now I’m 64

January 23, 2011

It was my birthday last week and my wonderful other half gave me flowers and took me to a lovely dinner for just the two of us. We don’t have much opportunity to be alone since we have been living with my Mom since the end of 2002. She said the other day she wants us here with her and I’m glad to be able to be here for her as she deals with short term memory loss and macular degeneration. However, the other side is that I don’t have my own home and my things around me and I do miss that. It also means my husband and I don’t have the privacy and alone time we used to have. I know that because we are here, Mom can stay in her home as long as possible.

I received a lovely package of books and a shawl from my younger sister and my older sister also sent a cool book – we are big on books and music in our family. I also received another gift – one very unexpected. When I was at the doc for the natural supplement study, he told me I am gluten sensitive. Now I figure that means I have some problem with it but it it doesn’t send my body into a tailspin if I eat something with gluten. Not something I would have chosen for myself, but I have decided to see it as a gift. After all, if I rail and complain and feel sorry for myself and play victim, I still have it and then I have made myself miserable. Who knows, it may even help my joints and body feel better.

I have been gluten free (as far as I know) for about 10 days, not sure how long it will take to feel a difference or what that difference is. I felt really miserable the first week or so – then learned that there is withdrawal. Maybe that was what was happening. Now I think I notice something but not sure and to be honest, I don’t want to read too much into anything. I have wanted to have less pain and discomfort for so long that I want to be sure before I actually say it.

I applaud all those people who have found they are gluten intolerant all these years and had no sources of gluten free foods unless they did it all on their own. It must have been very difficult to need to be gluten free in a very gluten world – thanks to them all they have done to create gluten free products and restaurants, it is much easier for those of us who are just starting out. A huge Thank You to all of them – though they may never know how much I appreciate all they have done.

Bread seems to be the big challenge because a lot of the other grains such as rice, millet, teff, etc. don’t quite have the same texture and taste that flour gives them. I tried some rice bread and it was quite dense and a bit dry – one small piece filled me up quite easily but didn’t tickle my taste buds. Yesterday we went to a gluten free bakery and had some coffee and a pastry. I chose an Expresso marble cake – Yikes it was a huge piece. It was moist and not bad – but I would have been smarter to eat half and bring the other half home. I was stuffed by the time I finished it (childhood training to clean my plate) and didn’t need to eat for quite awhile. I bought some foccacia to take home, it looks like regular foccocia and I am anxious to try it. I also bought some quinoa to try as a salad with different things in it – I was looking at gluten free recipes on the web and found some for quinoa. I am looking forward to trying them and see how they taste.

Yes, I am now 64 – I always say I earned every one of them. I used to look back and wish I had known certain things or done some things differently, but I am beginning to understand that my life has unfolded the way it was meant to unfold, that I am in the perfect place, at the perfect time doing the perfect thing for me. I will admit I haven’t embraced it yet, I am still stepping in to it. My husband once remarked “You’re not the girl I married”. My answer was “I should hope not!”. I am a woman now and tapping into my essence of who I really am and beginning to know that amazing woman. There, I said it! (Note to Self – it’s not boasting or bragging, it’s perfectly fine to think well of myself. Oh those programs firing right now). I do not want to be that young, naive and inexperienced young girl at 22 (going on 16) who flew down to Australia to be married. I am getting better with age and although I don’t have a clear picture of my purpose in life, I know it is there and will unfold when it is time. I also know I may be living my purpose and not know it, that I am helping others while I live my life. I learned a long time ago that I don’t have to know every time I am of use or help to someone – there is a part of me a little worried about getting a swelled head if I always knew. Then whatever it is that is working, wouldn’t any more because I got in the way. Once in awhile it is lovely to hear when I have helped someone, keeps me knowing God and I are doing our job. Mostly I just ask God to take care of it, I will show up and get out of the way.

Tags: Birthday, Gluten-Free
Posted in Musings | 2 Comments »

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