Today Is Dad’s 100th birthday

March 24, 2014

My Dad was born on March 24th, 1914 in Buffalo, New York.  His father was an interior decorator in Buffalo, using fine drapery, antiques and oriental carpet.  He had a fairly wealthy clientele and after my Dad’s oldest sister was born, he and Aunt Elizabeth – Grandmother’s sister – bought a farm out in Orchard Park without telling my grandmother until it was a done deal.  She was not happy  moving out to a place with no electricity and running water while my grandfather went into the city every day.  She had a lovely apartment in Buffalo and a new baby; not the best time to go to a farm with no mod cons.

However, she moved and  eventually they finally had running water and electricity, but I don’t think it was easy for her.  She had another daughter, then three miscarriages before my father made his appearance.  From the stories I have heard over the years, Dad was Grandmother’s favorite and Emmie was Grandfather’s favorite – didn’t leave anyone to favor Ibbie, the oldest.  They always said she was everyone’s favorite – didn’t quite compute for her.

Around 1926 my grandmother went to Southern California to visit her brother Frank.  He was living in Palos Verdes, a very wealthy community, building houses.  She loved it out there – who wouldn’t with Buffalo weather – and  wired Grandfather to come out to visit.  Unfortunately he arrived on a very rainy day; when it rains, it pours and doesn’t kid around about it.  Not an auspicious start but he began to like it, so they decided to move there – Uncle Frank would build the houses and Grandfather would furnish them.

They went back to Orchard Park, packed up the kids and Gertie who helped with the kids and set out in two cars to drive across the country.  I wish I could remember the stories Dad told about that – he was about 12 or 13 – especially the one when Emmie almost drown.  However, everyone made it to Palos Verdes and settled in.  My Grandfather thought he was an investor, so he bought some houses on spec which also didn’t sit well with Grandmother.   (He had some quirks – that’s a whole other story!).

1929 was not a good year for them, Grandfather lost the houses and the one where the family lived.  It was an old Spanish style with creamy stucco and Spanish blue trim.  She was upset about losing the house and moving to a much smaller house.  Dad always said he would have survived the Depression better if he had been in Pasadena, a more established place.  By then the older girls had gone to college and were about to be married.  Dad didn’t go to college, he loved working with his hands and worked for a boat builder who was also a former (I think former) rum runner.  He worked in aircraft at Douglas, North American, Lockheed – I didn’t realize they hire for a contract and then workers had to find another job.

Dad enjoyed going out with his friend Jim Reed, plus he had a few somewhat disreputable ones.  Dad always know what he wanted, knew right from wrong, so he was never influenced to get into trouble.  I remember him telling about the time he and Jim rolled the car over on the sand and Jim hurt his arm.  They hoped baking it in the sun would help, but it didn’t.  They did get the car back right side up, but they were found out because Jim had to have his arm fixed.  He did a lot of stuff with cars, he has always loved them and felt if he had been able to keep all the cars he had, he would have quite a collection.  He never bought them new and fixed them himself.

In his high school yearbook, the girls all wrote “To the Dancing Sheik” because they loved dancing with him.  He said he had an easy style, not sure what that meant, but it worked well for him.  From what he said, I don’t think he dated a lot – then again, does a father tell his daughter about romantic adventures?  I think he went to dances a lot and spent time with girls there.  He drove his Mom crazy because when he was on the way out the door, she would ask “Where are you going?” and his answer was “Out”.  When she asked when he would be home, he said “About that time or a little after”.  Funny, his sister Ibbie always said she knew everything he did, but said she didn’t know much.

In 1941, he went back to Connecticut to visit an uncle, stayed in Glastonbury and rented a room in a house near my Mom’s grandmother. He worked at Pratt & Whitney in East Hartford, so it wasn’t a long commute for him.  At the time, I’m not sure if he was engaged or engaged to engaged and drove quite a way to visit her.  His landlady and Mom’s grandmother arranged a blind date for the two of them – Mom had spent a lot of time checking her grandmother’s flower garden so she knew what he looked like.   No doubt it is obvious he was no longer interested in the other girl after meeting Mom.  They dated and they always said neither asked the other to marry, it was understood.

They went to Mom’s dad and said they wanted to get married.  He told Dad, “Go back to California and establish yourself.  Then, if in 3 moths you still feel the same, then it’s okay with me”.  So Dad went back to California to establish himself and in December was Pearl Harbor.  Mom’s family thought she was crazy to go there – the Japanese would invade and it was dangerous.  Her Aunt Marian was the only one who encouraged her, so in early January, she flew from Connecticut to California to marry Dad.

To be continued.

What’s New In The Garden

March 23, 2014

It’s the 1st week of March and the flowers are slowly blooming – won’t be Spring officially until about March 21st.  Doesn’t seem to faze them about the hard rain and wind along with the cooler temperatures.  I saw a few flowering fruit trees all in bloom, the crocuses have been up and blooming for a couple of weeks.  Unfortunately it has rained so hard and for so long, the poor things are lying flat on the ground.  They were lovely when they were upright – I didn’t get out to take pictures soon enough.

I just notice by the side along the garage the little daffodils are about to bloom.  The Scillas pushing leaves up all over the place, the back porch bed is full of them.

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I noticed some thin, twirly leaves in the garage bed while the Scillas were bringing up leaves – not sure what they were, almost pulled them out.

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100_0343What do you know, they are grape hyacinths.  Not easy to see in the photos.

I certainly can’t complain about the weather, I much prefer it to the white stuff and that seems to be happening over most of the country – all our rainstorms will turn into snow as they go over the Cascade mountains and head east.  My concern is when the fruit trees blossom, if it rain and is too windy, all the blossoms are gone and we won’t have pears and apples.  I do need to make sure there are fertilizer stakes for things this year – poor babies have been starved for the last 2 or 3 years.  Now they are in full bud.

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Unfortunately they are also covered with lichen and some fuzzy stuff – they would probably do better if I cleaned it off the branches.

I bought something for the cat garden – a cat of course.  I checked Home Depot and they had a cat curled up asleep, I bought it and Eddie put it on the Fortinia stump so she can sleep in the sun.  I must admit, I am sorry to see her in the rain, but she will be fine.  I am also thinking about putting in some pieces of sea glass as decoration, or maybe as a small pond.  Still deciding where and how to arrange it.  Still not sure what to do about the other two beds, the rest of the yard is on its own for the moment.  Most important right now is removing weeds.

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Some days I feel badly leaving her out in the rain and cold.

3 Days Later

Wow! You should see all the flowering fruit trees out in blossom; the camellias are out as well – I took a picture of the big camellia tree but I stuck my finger in the middle, so I will retake that.

100_0339That didn’t come out too well either.

I had the two forsythia bushes  taken out in the front, but I looked down the bank and this is what I see now.

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Two bushes have taken up residence on the bank.  There are a few daffodils down the front bank – who would have thought it.

I never know what I will find blooming these days, I admit i I am not much of a gardener at this point, though I have a lot of ideas I want to try.  Today is one of our sunny days, it is supposed to rain again and of course, all that rain goes over the Cascades and becomes  very wintry weather for everyone east of us.

Houseboats In Seattle

March 18, 2014

When I was on the duck tour, I saw a lot of houseboats and they intrigued me.  I took some pictures and then looked on the web to find better pictures of some I saw.  Most I have no idea what they are or who owns them, but found them very interesting.


This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor


This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor


This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor

 
This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor  Someone has a paddle wheeler.  Next to the white paddle wheeler is one that can be taken out on the water.  There is a black box facing the paddle wheeler, right under the  smaller window.  That is where the steering  helm is located.

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This one I saw from the duck on our back to the launch ramp.


This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor


This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor  Gasworks Park


This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor


This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor

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Riding The Duck

March 16, 2014

Last Monday my neighbor Delores asked if I would like to use her ticket to Ride The Duck.  She had bought the ticket a while ago but when Bob went to the hospital the week before, she decided it was better to stay with him.  I’ve always wanted to do it, just never got around to it.  It was with the Senior Center and there were about 11 of us.  Nice size and we had others on the duck later.  it was a clear sunny day, warm in the sun but a bit chilly in the wind.  We all had jackets on and I was glad they had a blanket for our lap on the duck.

They leave from across from the Space Needle and Experience Music Project – a little building with gifts of ducks – big surprise.

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We started at the red circle and then down to the waterfront, along Alaskan Way.

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This is inside where the driver sits.  Our tour guide was Bjorn Toorun and he had a whole crate full of crazy hats for the whole ride.

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This was the starting point, that is EMP across the way and behind it the Space Needle

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Let me tell you, that sucker wasn’t easy to climb in and I will admit, I could have used more leg room.  No windows, great for taking pictures but a bit nippy when the wind is chilly.

We went along the waterfront and I learned a few things I didn’t know before.  I saw the Victoria catamaran at the dock, I remember the regular boat – though this one takes only 2 hours.  We went up to 1st Ave and he explained that the reason why the buildings are all brick was a result of the Great Fire.  Yes, we had one too.  A glue-pot tipped over and ignited the straw and that was the end of many of the buildings.  so the city fathers declared buildings could only be made of non-flammable material.

We went past Pioneer Square – it is more gentrified and the urban outdoorsmen have been encouraged to go other places; then up to the SAM (Seattle Art Museum) and The Hammering Man.  The only day he doesn’t hammer is Labor Day.  Next area was Pike Place Market, then turned up Pike street and over to 6th past the Elephant  Car Wash.   It has been there since I can remember in the early 50’s when we moved here.   It has probably been there longer than that.

This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor

Then up on to Aurora so we could go across the Aurora Bridge –  just before the bridge view

This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor

This picture is looking west over the ship canal and the Fremont Bridge.


This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor  Fremont Bridge

We turned down into  part of Fremont on Stone Way and went down to the water.  Our family’s landmark is Doc Freeman because to the right is where it used to be – they were very good customers of R&R Custom Wood.  I remember going with Mom and Dad on Friday when they delivered.  One day a guy came by and saw all the woodenware in the wagon and asked Dad if he could build a map rack for his large book of maps.  Presto!  A new product.  It happened more than once.

We turned left and went along the shore were the marinas are, the racks of boats (the driver called it the only vending machine for boats).

This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor

We also went past Fishery’s Supply, another good customer.  They bought things for their stores and mail order.  Then down along Gasworks Park and just before Ivar’s is a boat launch ramp.  Time to spend some time on the water.

ride-the-ducks-toursDown the boat ramp and into the lake

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I couldn’t see how it looked from inside the duck, so I have been using other pictures as well as my own.

The driver had to change gears and slowly went into the water.  The ramp and the entrance to the lake is lined with boats and boat houses.  It was interesting to see that the houseboats were moored in between boats, plus all kinds of different boats.

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 As we went out into the lake it definitely was windy and nippy, but the sun was so clear and bright.  We went along Gasworks Park – interesting to see from the water.  It used to power a lot of the City, then they closed it down, took out the important and dangerous parts, then fenced off the still dangerous areas and made it into a park. They often have fireworks off shore from there.

This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor

What’s interesting is that along there just before going out on the lake is where some of the crab boats of “Deadliest Catch” are kept off season.

 This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor

We went along where we had driven and around by the old Doc Freeman’s, along to some other houseboats and I saw the mountains and the Aurora Bridge in the distance.  Went over to the “Sleepless in Seattle” houseboat and he was saying there are only 500 allowed on the lake.  They are expensive and there are some that are attached to the mooring, so they can’t be taken out on the water.  We went near Queen Anne Hill and then came back to go up the ramp for the rest of the tour.  He showed us some houseboats that run $1 million and up – not cheap to live on a houseboat.

 This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor

Time to go back up the ramp and on to the rest of the tour.

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We drove into Fremont and past “Waiting For the Interurban” – a well loved sculpture but the Fremont Bridge.  It has been there for a long time and people in the neighborhood dress it up, depending on the holiday or occasion.

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They may have dressed them for Mardi Gras.  The baby has the face of a dog and the dog has the face of a baby.  This is my favorite sculpture in the city.

Time to go back across the Fremont Bridge this time and along the Eastlake shore.  Then back into the city and the starting point of our 90 minute tour.

This didn’t end up the same way Gilligan’s 3 hour tour did.  As we rode our bus to lunch, I was feeling sleepy – must be all that sunshine and fresh air.  We ended going back to the center because the rest aunt wasn’t open for lunch – that was fine with me.  I dozed as we went back to Burien, I had really enjoyed the trip!

Visiting With Mom

March 9, 2014

I have been visiting Mom rather than visiting with her – I just noticed the difference this week.  I have had trouble dealing with not understanding what she says and curbing my urge to ask what she means or to repeat it.  My close friend Char told me recently she had visited her Mom and didn’t understand a word she said.  So she asked her Mom “Does that make sense to you?”  Her Mom’s answer was “No”.  I thought I would try it with Mom, though Mom’s answer was “Yes, it makes sense”.  Mom is operating under a different form.  What is interesting is that although the words are gibberish to me, Mom says it in a very conversational way – she knows what she is saying, I am the one who doesn’t understand.

GetAttachment.aspxMom with Candy at her book signing.  She is very proud of Candy.

Two things she definitely understands are chocolate and cookies.  I bring some with me every time I visit and she is delighted to have them.  I have learned not to ask her if she enjoyed the chocolate or cookies after she has eaten them because she doesn’t remember she ate them.  I have been nervous about what to say to Mom, but I am finding it a bit easier now because I realize I don’t have to know exactly what she is saying.

I have been reading Candy’s new book to Mom recently, first time I have read it as well.  I know Judy has told me Mom takes in things she hears and I am noticing that reading this book.  Friday she made several comments as I read and  at one point talked for a bit – not sure what she said,  just asked “Is that so?’ and Mom agreed.  So it wasn’t necessary to know what she said, just to acknowledge and validate it.  I can sometimes tell when she  thinks something isn’t a good thing, mostly my her tone and sometimes a “shouldn’t or no that’s not good” comes across.

Last Tuesday I took my iPad to play some of the songs she likes – except it once again gave me fits.  Some days it works well and other days it looks so different and I am not quite sure what to do.  I have begun to make a playlist for her so I will have the songs she likes, though I haven’t done too well with Bing Crosby so far.  What will play on my desktop isn’t always available on the iPad.  Now I have to figure out how to start the playlist.

It’s an interesting process and I think I am more comfortable now – there are times when I feel at a loss, but  I am doing my best.  I haven’t told her about Barrie dying, don’t think it will really register and there isn’t anything she can do about it.  I also haven’t said anything about our next door neighbor, he is having difficulty and two of the sons are there right now.  We had gone to bed Wednesday night and I heard this thrum and flash of lights – the fire truck was there and I saw a fireman in their kitchen.  Shortly after an ambulance came in, so I figured it was bad enough to take him to the hospital.  He was back home the next morning bit they may have to have someone there for a while.  I’m sure Mom would be worried if she knew.

I will admit I still have days when I don’t want to go visit Mom, so I make sure I have somewhere to go and do something entirely different after the visit.  Plus, I don’t want Mom to feel she has been abandoned.  When I come and she is very sleepy or having a nap because she had a bad night, I am almost glad we won’t have a visit.  I think she is more aware of things than I realize, but I couldn’t say in what way.  I think she still knows who I am at times, I am better at not taking it personally because it is part of dementia.  Some of what is happening has to do with getting older, some from dementia – I am so grateful to Judy for helping me understand what’s happening with the things I don’t quite understand.

It has been quite a learning experience for me and for Mom – I may never know how it is for her, but as a daughter and a woman, I have learned a lot over the past 2 or 3 years.   I have learned about myself, my Mom and dementia – strangely, there have been gifts in it I am still understanding.

I also wonder who will be there for me if I am in this position.

Barrie Lane

March 3, 2014

Saturday morning I had a phone call to tell me Barrie had passed away the night before of a sudden heart attack.   He has had heart trouble for several years and had a monitor implanted in his chest to warn when there is a problem.  He will be sorely missed by friends, family, colleagues and clients.

1958291_10201790557194764_1260156870_nIn happier times – Barry, Lois and Sarah on Sarah’s wedding day.

I first met Barrie through my parents – who met him through a neighbor.  He was doing taxes for the Torstenbo’s and they recommended him to Mom and Dad when they needed someone. Mom said he used to come out to the house at that point, then later they went to his office.  When Eddie and I decided we wanted to be in Seattle in the future, we started putting roots down here.  We opened a savings account and started having Barrie do our taxes.  It meant I had a trip to Seattle every February – Eddie was usually off traveling somewhere.

We usually had federal tax, state tax depending on what state we lived and while we were in Virginia, we began to have a business tax return.  It has been a whole lot easier to see Barrie to do the tax returns since we moved here; often I had to go by myself and took Mom to do her taxes.  Barrie was always able to help us through some of the confusing things that Uncle threw at us, though mostly we have had a very simple return.  Seems a bit selfish to wonder if he had finished our tax stuff this week.  I saw him Wednesday at Breakfast Club , he said he was still deciding about the business.  He was his usual cheerful self, always found humor in the IRS and Uncle.

There was another side to him, one that only came out around the Christmas holidays.

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Barrie loved being Santa at Christmas time, just as much as he loved his work.

Barrie is the one who invited me to be a member of Kent Breakfast Club 10 years ago.  My first thought was “I can’t do that!”, mainly because I had just recently moved back here and I was still trying to figure out what Promotional Marketing was.  It was dropped in my lap and then suddenly to be asked to be part of the group was a bit overwhelming.   But I did join and through the club I met the most remarkable, caring and enjoyable group of people.  I gained experience, knowledge and confidence through the group – a soft place to fall.  It is not the normal networking group – we don’t have high dues, requirements to bring referrals every week or have such a “Life is real, life is earnest” attitude.  We are serious about business but we also have a good time laughing, learning about each other’s business and enjoying each other’s company.

There have been a lot of family things come up over the last 10 years and it has been such a comfort to have Barrie’s advice and help.  When things were happening with Mom and dementia, he helped us so much; when Candy needed help, he was there for her.  He was always there for my Mom and Dad when they started their custom wood business – he was a lot like my Dad, Barrie loved to talk and with the two of them it was always interesting.  So glad Stan Torstenbo introduced Mom and Dad to Barrie, then we got to know him and had him do our taxes as well.  He will be sorely missed by so many people who knew him.

I wrote my sisters Ellen and candy about Barrie.  They sent these emails to me.  From Ellen came:

What a jolt to hear about Barrie Lane–bless his heart for all he has done for our family over so many years. I’m remembering what Dr. Pierce said about Daddy: He died like a king, in his own garden and
without prolonged suffering, and it would seem to apply to Barrie too.

From Candy, who also sent pictures from a Christmas Day when he and Lois came when my sisters were visiting.  We had a lovely time that day and were delighted they stopped to see us.

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I am so sorry about Barrie’s passing. Please give my love and  condolences to Lois. They were so happy together, I know it’s going to  be very hard for her. I owe Barrie so much, especially being in this  house, as it was he who had the idea in the first place. And he helped  make it happen, and advised me when the financial difficulties began.  He was such a wonderful man. Now Barrie will be on the other side, and  Mom will have another familiar friend to greet her when she arrives.  It is as if a whole world is disappearing as the generations pass. And  I had expected Barrie would be with us for years and years. It’s  another reminder that the only thing we can control is our response  and our attitude toward what happens.

It still isn’t real to me yet.  I saw Brandy at the chiropractor’s this morning and she said it finally hit her Sunday night.  I wonder about myself – it has been 13 years since my Dad died suddenly and it doesn’t seem strange to me he isn’t here – maybe I haven’t accepted it after all.

Unseen Journey

February 27, 2014

I keep wondering why Mom is still here when she wants to leave and go home – she misses my Dad and Josephine, her cat.  She seems more in another world than here in this life.  I have wondered what her purpose and contract is for this particular lifetime and I think I may now have a partial answer.  At least it makes sense to me, though it is her purpose and life rather than mine.   My sister Candy wrote this and it helps me see it from a different perspective.

I am so surprised that Mom has lived so long since Daddy’s passing, yet I have come to realize that she got to see so much of my own career changes, plus helping me through financially turbulent times, by staying. Now that I have business partners, it feels like I have finally landed in a safe place, and all the creative works that were in jeopardy in the financial crash have been rescued so that we can grow and prosper in this new publishing paradigm. Mom would have liked that; to know her faith in me was not misplaced. 
 
Of course, all Mom really wanted was for all of us to be happy, and even though we cannot guarantee that, we can choose to love each other the best we can, believe in each other and in ourselves, and also cherish our own private journeys, making choices that only God/Spirit/OverSoul will see. Perhaps Mom needed these years without Daddy to claim her own private soul journey. Who knows? It’s all part of the great Mystery, isn’t it? 
 
I do know one thing in my heart, though there is no “proof” that will convince any skeptic. That our souls keep growing and that this life is only one stage of a longer and larger journey. Even now, though Mom seems to be sinking into another world, this time is not “useless” but may be an incredibly important unseen work that will bear fruit only on the other side. 
 
I am more and more convinced that we must live our lives well and do the best we can, but then to let go of the results and to not judge. We don’t know what seemingly “unimportant” choice in our lives can have an effect that will reverberate in ways we cannot see. Who knows what is being accomplished in ways that cannot be seen on earth? We catch glimpses of our own stories, seen partially, as in a rear view mirror. How one choice affected our lives, even if we didn’t know at the time how important that choice would be. 
 
This stage of Mom’s journey is teaching me to let go and to allow her to have her own experience–something beyond her role as my mother and our adult friendship. I don’t know why she needs this particular form of leaving us. It has definitely taught me that there were many mercies in Daddy’s sudden passing. But then, there have been many mercies in this passing, in spite of the sadness and difficulties. 
 
Perhaps her process helps us in our process of saying goodbye. I’m sure that the feeling of Mom as all-powerful and all-knowing was just one stage of childhood, but I found I still carried that feeling with me into adulthood. And so if Mom didn’t understand what I wanted to do (move to Nashville and be a songwriter, among many things) part of me always wondered if she was right and I was wrong. Don’t get me wrong. She supported me. But there were some accomplishments and dreams she could share, and others that were outside of her interests and understanding. Now I am no longer reporting to Mom (other than in prayer and sending invisible love) and am taking responsibility for my life in a new way. And finding unexpected freedom to have my own experience, even if it is different from hers. 
 
I love reading D.E. Stevenson and other novelists we both loved. I share that with Mom in my heart. But I also love going to songwriter nights, and I know Mom might appreciate the fellowship of kindred spirits, but she wouldn’t have cared much for some of the forms that fellowship comes through in my life. There’s nothing disreputable about my songwriter friends (though they may sometimes be a bit raffish) but they just wouldn’t be her kind of people and she would not have appreciated most of them (or the reason to mess around with writing songs in the first place). But she would have appreciated the laughter and fun. 
 
Now Mom is showing me that it’s okay for us to have differing experiences, and sometimes the only thing we might have in common is the human journey. Since Mom’s journey is basically out of our hands (other than Lee and Eddie creating the safe set up so she could navigate this solo journey), there’s no use in feeling guilty that we can’t help her more–or that she can no longer participate in our journeys. I’m seeing that we are connected by Something so much larger than our limited human experience.
 
I also comfort myself knowing that we live life one minute at a time. And Mom does, too. I think that her world (at least on this side) is probably absorbed in the same kind of experiences we have when we are ill. Disoriented, feverish, and experiences based on bodily issues. At the same time, a dream world which is larger and stranger than earth reality. We already know she saw others during her train phase. I believe she is even more guarded in this portion of the journey by angels and ancestors. And, of course, our prayers. So I send love, believing that whatever she can’t use right now will be gathered up and taken with her when she begins that final journey and reaches her destination. I keep visualizing her on a brilliant but foggy shore, and Daddy and Josephine walking toward her through the mist, and following behind all the friends and family she knew. And she will know them there as she never knew them on earth; they will be seen so much more clearly in the bright sunlight of that other dimension where all the earthly realities become the dream, and we will live in the light of greater realities.
She wrote this in an email that really touched me and be more positive about Mom and her life path and purpose.  Thank you Candy for writing this post, I couldn’t have said it half as well as you have.  I realize I am too close to Mom and her journey, too close to see it objectively – I am grateful for my two sisters, they help me keep things in perspective.  Ellen said in an email:

I too am so grateful to Candy for her ability to express the seemingly inexpressible as we go through the process of feeling our way along with Mom and her changes.

I am seeing gifts in Mom’s dementia that I didn’t expect, so it isn’t all gloom, doom and depression. I need to pay more attention to see what she is teaching me with her journey with dementia.

I Am A 30 Percenter !!!!!!!

February 24, 2014

Two years ago today – Feb 24th – I fell and broke my hip.  I had surgery to have a screw and plate put on – it was lower enough I didn’t need a hip replacement.  After about 4 days, I was sent to rehab for at least 6 – 8 weeks to heal and learn how to walk again.  I went into rehab feet first and came out on my own 2 feet with the help of a wheely walker.  After another 4 weeks of outpatient therapy, I left there with a cane.  After a  few weeks I was walking all by myself, though I took the cane to places I hadn’t been to before or if there were a lot of people around.

This is what they did for my hip, kind of explains why I spent 8 weeks in rehab.

 

Right Hip Fracture and Emergency Surgical Repair

The next time I saw my rheumatologist, she told me something interesting – 70& of people who break a bone will break another one within 2 years.  I thought to myself, I am going to be in the 30% group and now By George, I am!  Recently a friend asked why anyone, especially a doctor, would say such a thing to a patient.  Maybe it wasn’t the wisest choice of words, but I have concentrated o being in the 30% since then.  How true the whole thing is can be anyone’s guess.

I am also happy to report I haven’t fallen during those 2 years, though I did stumble against the shower door in the middle of the night.  I hit my upper arm on the glass door rail for the bathmat.  Not a very comfortable thing to do, but I didn’t fall.  The next morning I saw this huge purple bruise forming, that sucker hurt!  As I looked in the mirror not too long after, I thought “This must be what it is like to have a large tattoo” – only mine would fade and soon be gone.  Don’t think I will have a tattoo;  that’s voluntary pain and then what happens when I don’t like it any more.  More voluntary pain to remove it.

For the last two years I haven’t really thought about the 70% or the 30%, every once in a while it comes up and I choose the 30% every time.  I decided dwelling on it and being afraid of falling would be a self-fulfilling prophecy; I would rather think in terms of being the 30%.

I was also wondering if I would mark the 2nd year as the day I broke my hip; but that seemed un productive.  I didn’t “celebrate” having RA for 43 years in November, it was just a measure of time.  I see this in the same way, though no one gave me percentages with RA.  Let’s just say I have reached my goal of 2 years without a “break”.  Whether the whole things is true or not, it is now something in the past.

One interesting thing, I was sure I would set off the security scan when we left for Toronto, so I told them I would probably set it off.  So they took me to a full scan and I was done.  What surprised me was that coming through security in Toronto on our way home, nothing happened.  However, Eddie was chosen for a random scan, so he had a little more to deal with than I did.  Do you suppose they used a plastic screw and plate in my hip instead of metal?  It has me wondering.

Time to work on my next goal – not sure what it is yet, but I will be concentrating on that rather than what has happened in the past.

Seeing Mom

February 23, 2014

Some days it is hard to visit my Mom as the dementia continues to take over her life.  I sometimes don’t recognize her as my Mom sometimes – who is that old woman?  But she stays essentially my Mom, the woman who gave birth to me and raised me with my two sisters.  She and my Dad did a great job of making me (I won’t speak for my sisters) feel loved and wanted, taught me integrity ( my sister Ellen feels they gave us a great gift in that, I hadn’t thought of it before and I am glad she said it) as well as honesty, respect for other people and their property.  They gave us discipline too – when they threatened with “warming your fanny”, I knew they would carry out the threat.  They always felt kids needed to have boundaries and they would test those boundaries to make sure they were still there.

I saw Mom on Friday and she was doing well, alert and aware.  Maybe it was sitting at the dining room table instead of the recliner with a throw over her that made the difference.  My neighbor Delores called in the morning and asked to come with me to visit Mom.   She took some sugar-free chocolate and a mandarin orange for her – I took the cookies just in case.  We did have a nice visit and I think I may be getting more comfortable about just seeing how it flows.  At one point I read some of Candy’s new book and Delores really liked it – so I have lent her my copy for her to read.  She also thought “The Translucent Heart” was good as well and I lent her the pages I printed so she could read the whole thing.

I had a long email from my sister Candy the other day; she was writing from her perspective as a daughter living many miles away.

 I feel I can really only communicate from the other side of the veil now. Strange to think that all the things I used to be able to do for her are useless now. No phone conversations, no books, only cards and toys and treats–and who knows what gets through from this side of the veil. I think we have each taken our turn with her process. My Sunday night phone conversations took us through memory lane, then deciding what to do with certain precious family heirlooms (part of the reason for my long list), and then through the disorientation and waiting for the train, which was always a time of reassuring her it would all be fine, and that she would find Daddy and Josephine and friends and family on the other side, and that her daughters would eventually come to join her. 

I also think about our different experiences of Mom in various stages of life and from our different perspectives. As the youngest, I got to know a mother who began to gain self-confidence when she started volunteering at the airport and hooking rugs. She told me that she had no self-confidence before then, even with all the love she shared with Daddy. I think I would have been around eight or ten when she started volunteering at the airport, so the two of you would have been either out of the house or migrating out of the house into adult lives just as Mom was getting some confidence and perspective on herself. I got the benefit of being around in my twenties, too. I could visit Mom and Dad quite often, without all the holiday craziness. Just being there, yet even at that, still not that often. But I saw her in happier times when we were all healthy and independent. 

I often wonder what Ellen’s perspective of growing up is; as the oldest, she saw two join the fold and I’ve often wondered how it felt to go from the only child to an older sister.  Mom and Dad were learning about kids when she was born, so when I came 4 years later, they were more experienced.  By the time Candy came 6 years after that, they were much more relaxed.  It is fascinating to realize how growing up with the same two parents can be so different for each child.

Some of the early childhood training seemed to be about being self reliant; don’t ask for help, don’t bother people, do it yourself.  In many ways that is a good thing, but I realize now that is how I dealt with RA from my diagnosis – not the best way to do it.  But that was my subconscious training, along with not complaining, or at least, not too much.

So many people would tell be I have such a positive attitude about it, plus how I do as many things as I do.  My first response is that I didn’t think I had a choice, I had to do something about treatment for RA.  As for the positive attitude, they had no idea how depressed, discouraged and crabby  I could be only Eddie bore the brunt of that.  Maybe I hid behind a positive attitude, after all, I got a lot of positive feedback.  People would tell me they admired me and how well I do with RA – now that I think of it, maybe I thought it was the one thing I was successful at doing.  Is that why I let it become my identity for so many years?

I have written before how Mom’s dementia has helped me see much more clearly my childhood programs carried into adult life – real gift, though uncomfortable at times.  I am finding that gift is continuing as I become more open to seeing the truth rather than my perception of the truth.  Maybe that is part of Mom’s purpose in this lifetime.

Go Universe!

February 16, 2014

I have had a weight problem all my life – oops, I just realized I called it a problem and it isn’t.  I once read “I am the size I am to hold my magnificence”.  That really stopped me in my tracks.  Here I have been unhappy with my size and instead, it is a blessing.  I am working on knowing it is true and knowing that I know.   Then The Universe sent this message:

You have realized, Lee, that your age, experience, skin color, personality, accent, style, saunter, weight, and height, today, are setting you up big-time for the best of your life, while adding considerably to your animal magnetism?

Nothing gets past me,
    The Universe

We’re talking world tours, Lee, fan clubs on each continent, and a TV show that follows as you create a fabulous business I am passionate about!

The two major areas I am working on are loving myself and recognizing my Life Purpose.  Sometimes I wonder if I am doing my purpose and I don’t know it.  I spent the day with my close friend Kathie who is the same age I am.  She was a court reporter for many years, then went into hypnotherapy and now is doing some real estate.  She is still wondering what her Life Purpose is as well.  I know there are a lot of people feeling that way these days; but having company doesn’t quite help me recognize mine.

I have heard the words “find my purpose” a lot, but then others say one creates it.  I have been thinking more in terms of recognizing it and creating it – I know I don’t have to know how to do it, just be willing, open and allowing.  Maybe I just too impatient for that “Aha” moment of recognition and unfolding.  I find myself wondering sometimes “Am I too old?” or “Is it too late?” – ego is working overtime to have me believe it is true.  Thanks for sharing, I choose something else.

I have always wanted to create something of my own of value but never felt I had.  Then it hit me recently, this blog is my creation.  No one else could write it they way I do, nor has anyone lived my life.  One thing through my marketing expert friend, you may have the same information as someone else, but no one presents it the way you do.  That makes you unique.

I’ve been reading a book by Richard Moss called “Inside Out Healing”.  It has been quite interesting and I find it builds on Neal Donald Walsh’s “When Everything Changes, Change Everything”.  In that, Neal spends the first half of his book talking about Past Data – all those beliefs and programs that have been built up over your lifetime.  They are not true, but they feel real.  That had quite an impact on me – I wrote about migraines a while back and continue to use it.

With Richard Moss, he talks about being in the NOW, but in a different way.  He shows a manual with the NOW in the middle of a circle, with the Future at the top, the Past at the bottom.  To one side is Me and the other side is You.

mandala_diagram

The idea is that when you are in the present moment, ego diverts you in one of four paths.   It may be the market list you need to make, the stupid things you did, a belief that isn’t true, etc.  Or it will go to another person and what they did or didn’t do, either to you or about you.  Another path is worry about the future or upset or living in the past.

the past week or more I have spent a lot of time at the computer, for work, my blog, Eddie’s Round Up and things he wanted to have typed for exhibits at the Future of Flight.  I began to think after the first or second long period at the computer – “Oh s—-!  I am going to pay for this either tomorrow or the second day!”.  But then I thought “Why do I think that will happen?  Just because it has in the past doesn’t necessarily mean it is  how it always will be”.   I began to realize I had created a belief around that, I can hear myself saying to someone more than once.  Yes, it had happened in the past, the belief that when I overdo it, I will pay for it, I have to be careful how much I do.

Then I remembered the Past Data loop I had been running for migraines, this was just another Past Data loop about what happens every time I do something and it hits me the next day or the second day.  So I told ego, “that is Past Data and no longer relevant and I am choosing something different.  In this fresh new moment, I choose filling this moment with good health and well-being in every part of my body, all Past Data is invalid and irrelevant”. How lovely to find the next morning and the mornings after that I was feeling well free of “payback” shoulder pain.

Now I am working on the cough that has lingered for 2 years, ever since I had the flu in rehab.  It takes time and some days I feel a bit discouraged, but on the whole there is progress.  now I am thinking in terms of each fresh new moment and what I want to fill it with when I bring myself back to NOW.


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