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Friday Mish Mash

May 13, 2011

I just looked back at my last post and realized how long ago it has been – it doesn’t seem that long since I wrote it. But looking back over the past few weeks, life definitely happened. I have been recovering from waaaaaaaaay too much computer for my business – a client needed quotes for a board meeting a few days away and I spent 4 very intense days creating them and giving them to her the day before the meeting. My right shoulder and my neck were not happy with me and they definitely let me know. I hurt so much and was so uncomfortable that I could barely do anything. I found it very hard not to use the computer, sometimes I feel we are surgically attached to each other. Unfortunately I couldn’t stay away from it enough to let things relax and heal, so I have prolonged the time I need. It is a whole lot better – except yesterday and the day before I had a couple of new clients ask for quotes and ideas. I am pacing myself more, I sent 2 lots to the new client and will work more slowly on the rest of her. The other was a present client and I was able to find something more in her budget since what she really wants is so over the budget it is out of sight. My shoulder and neck are telling me “Cut it out!” and I am listening.

I have been reading a very interesting book by a really cool woman named SARK. It’s called “Glad No Matter What”. It definitely isn’t a Pollyanna kind of book, but one that takes a good look at grief, loss and change to find the gift and opportunity in it. One of the things I came away with was to feel my feelings rather than stuff them down or distract myself with other things. The more I allow myself to feel them, the less they become. If I ignore them, they will come out in other, more uncomfortable ways. (Newsflash to Self – are you listening? Does this ring a bell?) When I read the beginning, she said to think about how you are feeling right now and go to that section; that was cool because she has Curious as one of them and that was what I was feeling at that moment. I skipped around because the one on Self Love was also attracting me – I have been working on loving myself for so long. I ended up reading it from beginning to end and will admit I was sorry to see it end. It is a book I would keep always as one to refer back to any time. She uses real life examples from her life and the losses and difficulties she has had to deal with over the years.

I also went to a Personal Development workshop on Saturday done by a friend. She brought Native American elements into it and it was quote an enjoyable, though at times uncomfortable. (NewsFlash to Self – that means you are growing!) It was a small group which made it even better. If there had been the 20 she had planned for, it would not have been as personal for each of us. It would have just been different and valuable. She had hand made bags for each and we were invited to add our own self promotion if we wanted. Well, I went a bit overboard but I am so glad I did. I had a large organza bag with two pens, business card, a small bag with Mardi Gras beads and a label on the bag that said “Life is a Celebration”. We all wore our beads through the workshop. I also put in a tube of bubbles and a label that said “Find the Fun in Whatever You Do”. And finally my Giraffe Moment button with a card that had my information on one side and an explanation. A bit of fun and a little shameless self promotion.
She also asked if I would do a survival kit for the workshop. I had told her about the ones I did for my networking breakfast group last fall that were fun . We had lunch together an I brought a few to show her – she saw the Real Estate one and wanted to show it to someone who is head of a real estate association who she thought would love it. So I gave it to her. This one was a bit different and the surprising part was finding that I had put in a lot of things that were in the workshop – I had no idea what would be in the material when I made them. However, the one constant in my survival kits is Chocolate because it makes everything better. I worked with my chocolate supplier and she sent prescription bars for the kits both times. I enjoyed doing them both times because I had fun, found my creativity flowing freely and they were personalized.

Another milestone this week was our 42nd wedding anniversary. It is amazing to me we have been married this long, it doesn’t seem more than 25 or 30. I had to meet a client up north near where my other half works and it seemed silly to take 2 cars when the price of gas is so high. So we went together – I am not a big fan of getting up at 4 a.m. – and had time with him and a good time on my own before coming back to pick him up. it also was our actually anniversary, so that made it extra special. The next night we went out for a lovely dinner together. Definitely a glad time and one to remember when I am feeling less than glad at times.

Tags:frustration, Health, Humor
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A New Experience

April 16, 2011

I just realized it has been too long since I wrote – Life does happen while I am planning. I will say, this last week was really busy – I spent 4 1/2 days glued to the computer doing quotes for a new client. She emailed late Friday afternoon and by Tuesday I was so tired I couldn’t see straight. I finished all the ones she asked for on Tuesday evening because I knew I had appointments all day Wednesday and Thursday. She needed them for a board meeting Thursday, so by the time I hit the wall, I was done. She was very pleased with the result, so that really felt good. However, that left me with a very sore neck and right arm and shoulder from using the mouse and staring at the screen for so long. I felt really good that I finished them and they were well received. I have been doing things (or not doing things) to rest and take it easy for a bit, now I am feeling more myself as well as more rested and comfortable.

The highlight of my week was Thursday afternoon when I went to see my friend Kathie Brodie, a hypnotherapist. She has had training in a new technique called the Eisdale Technique that takes you through 5 levels. About 4 weeks ago I did the first part – sometimes people can do it all in one session, just depends on the person. It was quite interesting because all the time we were doing it, I felt as though I was completely conscious doing it, yet she was working with my superconscious and I could feel my Yes and No fingers responded but I didn’t do anything. We went to 2 levels because that was superconscious knew I was ready for at that point. I went in thinking I was working on RA but since it is not always necessary to know specifically, it can just be referred to as The Issue. Sometimes superconscious says it is necessary to be that detailed, to know exactly what the issue is, what the cause is and in what lifetime. That means playing 20 questions to find out exactly what is needed. As all of this is going on, I was also interested in the questions she asked, how she asked, etc.

I remember Kathie asking superconscious questions about negative emotions and I could feel the tears come even though I wasn’t sure what it was about. By the end of the hour and half session, I had been in two levels, the lowest 2. She was very pleased with the result because she said I had moved so much energy and am very willing and open. The reason we only did 2 levels was because when she asked superconscious if I had had enough, she said yes. I have to admit, I wasn’t quite sure anything had happened, but I trust Kathie that something definitely did happen. I apparently let go of a lot of negative emotions and stuff from my past and present and she made sure those empty spots were filled with love and worthiness. When she brought me out, I had to come back slowly and let everything reintegrate before I left. I remember my legs feeling odd, a kind of tingling plus some in my right fingers. She said it would continue to process and that we would do another session to work on the other levels.

We planned to do the next session the next week, but she ended up coming down with the bad flu going around, so I told her to just let me know when she felt back to her full strength and we would plan a day. Over the past weeks I have felt more open to things, there isn’t that angst about knowing my purpose that I have had for quite a while. I felt as if it didn’t matter, whatever Spirit and the Universe had in mind – it could be something I had never thought of or so different from what I think it might be.

This week we met for the second session and I think it was in the healing level since superconscious said there wasn’t any other level needed to work on. We worked on negative emotions and clearing them – there were 2 areas that were really heavy, I felt my muscles tighten as if I was pushing all of it out of me. At one point I felt the tingling in my legs and then a bit later my back was cold – Kathie had put a blanket over me, so there must have been something about what I was working on at that point. This was probably another hour and half – once again it was hard to believe anything had really happened. It has all been happening at the superconscious level, bypassing conscious and subconscious minds. I trust Kathie that a lot had been accomplished and have decided to know that I know it is true. She said I will continue to process it in my dreams and when I am awake. The most surprising thing was to learn the cause is from another lifetime, though superconscious didn’t need to know what it is or what lifetime.

I am so very grateful to her, she has been such a wonderful friend over the past months, helping me to see things in a different way. She is objective about it while I am too close to it. She tells it straight, but in a very loving way. I highly recommend seeing her to find out what will work for you. She has several different types of modalities and it is all done with loving kindness. I will keep you posted on what I notice in the next few weeks.

Tags:Collective unconscious, hypnosis, Six-dimensional space
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At last, the gifts!

March 6, 2011

I have been reading Byron Katie’s book “Who Would You Be Without Your Story?” and one of the things she does is turn the statement around and ask for three examples of the gift in it. Now , I have titled this blog Gift of RA but I am not sure if in the year I have been writing it I have actually been giving any examples of the gifts in it. I realize I have always seen RA as a negative, something that has messed up my life and made it very painful, difficult and depressing. Since reading some of the book, I have to look back and see there have been gifts.

I have to admit, it has given me a place to hide so I have not been expected to work, to do things fully and made sure people don’t expect much from me. Then of course, I surprise them by exceeding expectations. Second, I have met and done a lot with the Connecticut chapter of the Arthritis Foundation as Speaker’s Bureau Coordinator and Self Help Course instructor and trainer of new instructors. As a result, I learned I enjoy speaking in front of people (always an agony before) and was on a cable tv show with doctors and health professionals where I held my own quite well. It also gave me an opportunity to help others, sometimes I knew at the time, most of the time I never knew. Third, I have always gotten positive feedback from people, how brave I am, how I do so much while dealing with RA – even had people tell me I am an inspiration and a hero to them. Very good to hear – yet my ego voice kept chiming in with all the negative so I was not able to fully appreciate the gifts. Too much of “If you really knew what was going inside, how much I whinge and feel sorry for myself” and all that; thank goodness I am listening to that less and less. I have spent too much time looking at the negative and feeling negative instead of focusing on what RA has brought me and what I have learned from it.

I will admit to being cranky the last couple of weeks because my hips, thighs and now the knees are really bothering me. I was doing fine and feeling pretty good, then it felt things were going downhill especially because my right leg now hurts at night and sleep is not as easy or restful. So I have focused on that and being upset because I was feeling good and now it is crappy again – in this situation it is hard to focus on the gifts and the advantages of all of this. Reading the book has made me more aware of what is going on inside me – sometimes it is the pits to be aware, easier to be unconscious about what is happening. It is uncomfortable to go below the surface and sometimes I don’t like it, but I know it is important and necessary. I have come to the point where I choose to know the truth about myself – uncomfortable or not. Before it was willing to know the truth, now I choose it.

If I think about not having RA, if by some miracle I was healed of RA, I wonder if I would actually believe it is true and also if it was down in the cellular level. Whose voice is that? So with something positive, the automatic response is negative. Then I would have to ask “Who would I be without RA?” – has that been my identity all these years? I am still working on that one. The other question that comes up is “Can I still do this blog and be authentic without RA?”. There is in me that childhood training of being completely honest – whether I want to or not – and I wonder what I could offer if I don’t have to deal with it any more. In the last Ike Pono weekend I was asked why I am still holding on to RA and when I understand that, will I be able to release the need for RA and it will be gone? What then? I would feel a fraud and that would be very difficult for me. Then I would have to ask myself “Who and what would I be without RA?”.

Good Lord, where is this post going? I started out to talk about some of the gifts of RA and here I am at a completely different subject – I am tempted to erase it and go back to the original subject. If this isn’t helpful please let me know – I think my best course is to end this post and see where I am next time.

Tags:Arthritis Foundation, Gift, identity, rheumatoid arthritis
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Update

February 13, 2011

I have no idea what to title this post, not even sure where it is going – kinda like the past 2 weeks. I usually write on Sundays but lately I have had a harder time than usual. I had a cold in December and of course the usual cough arrived with it. However, it wouldn’t leave and so it has been hanging on and on. Now I have to take responsibility for not doing something sooner, I kept thinking it would go away by itself. Well, guess what? It didn’t this time and I have been coughing so much my chest hurts. I went to see my acupuncturist almost 3 weeks ago for treatment and she also gave me Chinese herbs to take. Cindy is Chinese and has studied acupuncture in China with some masters, so she really knows her stuff. Se got rid of a cough about 3 years ago – I hadn’t waited so long to see her that time. I hardly feel the needles and I am not a fan of being on the business end of a needle. She also wanted me to drink hot water to flush it out of my system and avoid sugar, so I have been drinking tea for the three weeks until I think I am floating and have had a little sugar. The first treatment she put the needles in places I have had before, but last week for the second treatment, she went to some other spots I hadn’t had before. This fascinates me and I want to ask her questions – trouble is, when I talk, I start coughing. Now, for a motor mouth like me, not talking is very difficult; but I want to be well and if drinking hot walking and keeping my mouth shut is what is needed, I will do my utmost to comply. I am going again Tuesday afternoon, I’m curious to see where she places the needles next.

I chose to go see Cindy rather than my regular doc because I didn’t want to get into the possibility of antibiotics and drugs, I take too many as it is and I prefer to do more natural and non-pharmaceutical treatments. I am doing better, though I have not been very good at not talking or limiting how much I talk. It is taking time and one thing she told me last week, this cough is depleting the nutrients in my body and I am not replenishing them. She has a multivitamin she recommends because it has whole food foundation. It isn’t cheap but I am willing to give it a go and see what happens because I don’t like feeling so tired and dragged out all the time. Instead of short periods of energy and enthusiasm, I want longer and longer ones so I can feel human again. It feels so good to be energetic and things are easier to do – I want to be that way all the time. I am also hoping this gluten free diet will help too, though there are times when I wonder what is happening. I have 2 or 3 good days,then a couple of days like the last two when I felt so tired, stiff and sore. I wonder if there is still some withdrawal going on; after all, that 64 years of accumulated stuff to flush out. Next Tuesday will be 6 weeks, will that be the turning point?

So what have I learned the past 2 weeks? First, don’t wait so long to take care of illness or condition because it is much harder and more uncomfortable the longer I wait. Second, sleep does a body good. I noticed that last weekend. I had two long naps on Saturday and sunday, slept for a bit on Tuesday and also on Friday, wished I had yesterday. I was feeling too tired to sleep and that first nap Saturday afternoon last weekend seemed to break whatever was making it hard for me to sleep and I am doing a lot better. I am sleeping a lot better at night now, what a difference from the months of not sleeping because my legs hurt all night. Third, I am finding it is not very hard to eat gluten free, plus I don’t really miss bread and sweets much. I have to thank all those other gluten intolerant people who came before and created food they could eat – now it is much easier to find gluten free in places. There were a couple of times this week I could eat the food at an event or having coffee at Barnes & Noble – though they do have a packet of Dr. Lucy’s gluten free cookies. I will admit to a small fear – if I decide “Oh well, this once won’t hurt if I eat normally”, I am concerned I will keep doing it rather than be as gluten free as I can be. It is usually that first bite that worries me. The old “Bet you can’t eat just one potato chip” quote. Fourth, when I hurt and am feeling miserable, I remember Eckhart Tolle’s question “There is nothing you can do about the fact at this moment this is what you feel. Now, instead of wanting this moment to be different from the way it is, which adds more pain to the pain that is already there, is it possible for you to completely accept this is what you feel right now?”. Sometimes it is very hard to not want it to be different, but I have had times when I have used this and it actually works. I realize it is ego mind that is ranting and raving about the pain and all the stuff that is happening, she certainly doesn’t want to have me be willing to look at this way. She wants all the power and pain and whingeing are part of it. There have been other times when it has not really worked and I realize ego is more in charge than I realize. Not a happy thought.

I’m sure there are other things I have learned, I just thought of asking that question as I was writing and I usually let things simmer on the back burner for awhile before things make sense. I still haven’t thought of a title, the only one that comes to mind is update. As I have written this, I keep wondering, “Am I whingeing and I promised I wouldn’t?”. I could have chronicled all my pains and crappy days, but no one with a chronic illness needs to hear that because they have stories of their own. It is a time of ups and downs and pretty much how things are for anyone with a chronic illness. I just prefer the ups but I know I learn from the downs and appreciate the ups because of them..

Tags:acupuncture, Eckhart Tolle, Gluten-free diet
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Now I’m 64

January 23, 2011

It was my birthday last week and my wonderful other half gave me flowers and took me to a lovely dinner for just the two of us. We don’t have much opportunity to be alone since we have been living with my Mom since the end of 2002. She said the other day she wants us here with her and I’m glad to be able to be here for her as she deals with short term memory loss and macular degeneration. However, the other side is that I don’t have my own home and my things around me and I do miss that. It also means my husband and I don’t have the privacy and alone time we used to have. I know that because we are here, Mom can stay in her home as long as possible.

I received a lovely package of books and a shawl from my younger sister and my older sister also sent a cool book – we are big on books and music in our family. I also received another gift – one very unexpected. When I was at the doc for the natural supplement study, he told me I am gluten sensitive. Now I figure that means I have some problem with it but it it doesn’t send my body into a tailspin if I eat something with gluten. Not something I would have chosen for myself, but I have decided to see it as a gift. After all, if I rail and complain and feel sorry for myself and play victim, I still have it and then I have made myself miserable. Who knows, it may even help my joints and body feel better.

I have been gluten free (as far as I know) for about 10 days, not sure how long it will take to feel a difference or what that difference is. I felt really miserable the first week or so – then learned that there is withdrawal. Maybe that was what was happening. Now I think I notice something but not sure and to be honest, I don’t want to read too much into anything. I have wanted to have less pain and discomfort for so long that I want to be sure before I actually say it.

I applaud all those people who have found they are gluten intolerant all these years and had no sources of gluten free foods unless they did it all on their own. It must have been very difficult to need to be gluten free in a very gluten world – thanks to them all they have done to create gluten free products and restaurants, it is much easier for those of us who are just starting out. A huge Thank You to all of them – though they may never know how much I appreciate all they have done.

Bread seems to be the big challenge because a lot of the other grains such as rice, millet, teff, etc. don’t quite have the same texture and taste that flour gives them. I tried some rice bread and it was quite dense and a bit dry – one small piece filled me up quite easily but didn’t tickle my taste buds. Yesterday we went to a gluten free bakery and had some coffee and a pastry. I chose an Expresso marble cake – Yikes it was a huge piece. It was moist and not bad – but I would have been smarter to eat half and bring the other half home. I was stuffed by the time I finished it (childhood training to clean my plate) and didn’t need to eat for quite awhile. I bought some foccacia to take home, it looks like regular foccocia and I am anxious to try it. I also bought some quinoa to try as a salad with different things in it – I was looking at gluten free recipes on the web and found some for quinoa. I am looking forward to trying them and see how they taste.

Yes, I am now 64 – I always say I earned every one of them. I used to look back and wish I had known certain things or done some things differently, but I am beginning to understand that my life has unfolded the way it was meant to unfold, that I am in the perfect place, at the perfect time doing the perfect thing for me. I will admit I haven’t embraced it yet, I am still stepping in to it. My husband once remarked “You’re not the girl I married”. My answer was “I should hope not!”. I am a woman now and tapping into my essence of who I really am and beginning to know that amazing woman. There, I said it! (Note to Self – it’s not boasting or bragging, it’s perfectly fine to think well of myself. Oh those programs firing right now). I do not want to be that young, naive and inexperienced young girl at 22 (going on 16) who flew down to Australia to be married. I am getting better with age and although I don’t have a clear picture of my purpose in life, I know it is there and will unfold when it is time. I also know I may be living my purpose and not know it, that I am helping others while I live my life. I learned a long time ago that I don’t have to know every time I am of use or help to someone – there is a part of me a little worried about getting a swelled head if I always knew. Then whatever it is that is working, wouldn’t any more because I got in the way. Once in awhile it is lovely to hear when I have helped someone, keeps me knowing God and I are doing our job. Mostly I just ask God to take care of it, I will show up and get out of the way.

Tags:Birthday, Gluten-Free
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Don’t Feed The Monkey!

January 16, 2011

It’s been one of those weekends when I have been in resentment more than I want to be. I have a couple of situations that I am dealing with that can really get to me if I allow it. And you know who loves it when I allow myself to be angry, resentful and generally negative, you guessed it – ego. She loves it because she is the monkey mind that wants things to be the absolute worst so she can control it all and revel in it. She also is so damn sneaky that I don’t know she is creeping into control until I am ready to burst. Some days I don’t have the energy or the strength to tell her “I see you, I see what you are doing.” As Eckert Tolle said in his book “The New Earth”, ego loses strength just by my being aware and observing what is happening. Now I am beginning to see what she is doing and I start to think “What familiar pattern is this?”.

I was ready to head out to the car and scream my lungs out today and yesterday because I was frustrated. Most days I can deal with it and notice the patterns and be able to let it roll off my back. But for some reason I haven’t been able to do it this week. 2 or 3 three comments at different time just hit me wrong and I wasn’t able to stay objective – I went into victim mode and fed the monkey a huge meal. One of the exercises we do at Ike Pono has to do with showing how we assign significance to things where there is no significance. It’s all a story we make up about a situation. It is an exercise that does piss some people off and when it is finished, they are asked what the purpose of the exercise was. They come up with all kinds of answers except the real answer. It does make them start thinking about times in their life where they made up a story about something that didn’t actually have a story. Now I know this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense unless you have taken the weekend – I don’t talk about the exercises because they have a sequence and it would take them out of context to describe them. All those stories we make up feed the monkey.

I have to admit, I have fed the monkey a feast this weekend, but it doesn’t mean I am going to beat myself up – more food for the monkey. I see patterns from my life and how I have always reacted – time to change those patterns and viewpoint to a positive one. How easy to say it or write it but not all that easy to do. I feel attacked and insulted for no reason, other times I feel I am not heard or valued. Is it actually true or a story I made up to feel justified if I struck back in retaliation? I can think of times when I did it back just so that person would know how it felt. But it didn’t really work, just made the other person angry and more mean. I felt powerless and helpless – don’t like feeling that at all.

Plus, yesterday was my birthday and I wanted to feel like a princess with everything sunshine and smiles. It is my only 64th birthday and I wanted it to be “perfect”. It is an unreachable outcome for things to be “perfect” – ask all the bridezillas out there. Maybe just feel a bit more special than usual for my birthday. Now I have to say, my husband brought me flowers, took me to dinner and generally made feel very loved so that princess part was just about there. So what is my excuse today? I’m working on not feeding the monkey today, it is taking all my angels and Spirit to work in me to change my attitude. Actually, this is one of those times when I need an attitude overhaul rather than just an adjustment.

As I think about being resentful, I realize no one else is really aware of it or even cares because they are all caught up in their own stories from their point of view. I have to constantly remind myself that the after effects are on me, my body and my frame of mind. By sitting and stewing about it, playing the victim just continually feeds the monkey. It will take some time to remember when I get this way that it is not worth it and tell myself

“DON’T FEED THE MONKEY”.

Tags:Ego, feeding the monkey, life patterns, monkey mind
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The Inner Critic

January 10, 2011

Oh my, we all have one, don’t we? Some have a stronger one than others and I have to admit, I have allowed her to be much too strong. I have handed her the sledge hammer she uses to beat me up – I just stand there and let her do her worst. Why? Well, for so long I thought I deserved it – but I now realize those are only programs that I didn’t realize were there or understand what was happening. Yes, I am now more aware – I have also invited her to beat me up because I believed all those negative things abut myself.

I heard a story the other day about The Inner Critic that was so cool and unexpected. Her name is SARK – she is a writer and also creates posters and cards. She tells about doing a show as she is promoting her new book and when she was finished, she heard her inner critic telling her how bad it was, etc. She felt bogged down by it and knew she had to do something because she has other interviews and events that day. As she walked out the front door of the studio, she saw a squad car and a police officer. She went over to him and asked if he would do her a favor. She explained what had just happened and asked him if he would arrest her inner critic and take her away in his squad car. He was a little surprised, but he arrested her inner critic, opened the back door of the squad and put her and drove off – laughing. Then SARK was able to go on to her events with out her inner critic hanging over her head.

WOW! I loved that! As a matter of fact, I was coming home that day and stopped for gas. it’s been cold here for a bit – yes, cold to us, not the Arctic Circle. As I was filling my gas tank, I started thinking “I’m so tired of the cold”. I realized that was really negative I decided to arrest my inner critic. I imagined an arrest warrant, then the squad car and putting her inside, shutting the door and watching her be driven away. After that I thought about what is great about the cold weather – being inside warm and dry by a fire, reading with a lovely hot cup of tea and a cat purring in my lap. I also thought about going out early Wednesday mornings to my networking breakfast group and seeing the sun rise over the mountains and enjoying a magnificent view of Mt. Rainier – otherwise known as The Big Snowcone. I was also very glad to come home to the warmth. Now all I have to do is remember to do that every time I feel negative. One of those simple but hard things.

I just finished one of my Ike Pono weekends and I was surprised and pleased to see how much more comfortable I am staffing. I even put in my 8 cents worth and felt good about it. Funny, they mentioned how much I have changed since my own first weekend, they had to pry words out of me a lot – a little strange since I am a motormouth from a long line of motormouths. I also was crying a lot – still do but I don’t flood the place any more. I had a chance to talk with Michael about understanding surrendering and letting go because I still haven’t gotten a handle on it. It was one of those times when I needed to hear it in very plain words – essentially he said to stop beating myself up and just be. Another simple but hard. I never thought I was an analyzer, but that’s what I am trying to do, analyze what it is and be able to see it and hold it in my hands so I understand it.

I was working with the current Ohana on an exercise and I found myself thinking about myself. It was a breakthrough exercise and I started thinking about what keeps me holding on to RA and what does it take to truly let it go. I told Michael I know now RA is only part of me, not my identity; I’m trying to figure out how to know that I know way down deep inside me. That is where he told me I am constantly trying to figure things out and beat myself up – just be. Then he asked if I dream, I said I do. Then he asked if I have RA when I am dreaming – I don’t think I do. That is who I really am. There is a tug of war inside me – one side is all about RA and the other is my true self. Then he asked me what my Spiritual Contract is – I am joy. That is who I really am and to be that. It may mean saying it over and over to myself and also going back to my lists of the 25 positive things I am and concentrating on those.

Like the rest of Ike Pono, it will have to sit and simmer on the back burner and then one day a light bulb goes on and I realize “That’s what that is!”. It has happened more than once and I expect it will continue as I see patterns in my life and also as I help other with their journeys. Yes, the inner critic is still there, I am simply becoming more aware of her and remembering to to tell her to “Knock it off!” or even arresting her. I have been beating myself up for 63 years – for no valid reason it turns out – and as I turn 64 on Saturday, it is going to be less and less for the future. The biggest gift I can give myself is to love myself without judgment or criticism. Then it is so much easier to love others the same way.

Tags:Inner Critic, life patterns, negative thoughts, self love
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Programs! Programs!

December 18, 2010

I did an Ike Pono weekend last week, another opportunity to see my programs in action. I am there usually most of the weekend, though I tell them when I run out of energy, I’m gone. They are really understanding because they know I give my best to them and the people in the class when I am there. This particular weekend I found myself very quiet at the beginning since it is all about the group rather than me. Part of it is that I feel I am back in my own first weekend learning the principles and doing the exercises. The last day I was more talkative and I realized at one point I was worried I was saying too much and maybe saying something wrong. PROGRAM! (I always think of the guys who hawked programs at events I went to – they all had that same gravelly, almost New York sound. I swear they went to school to be able to say it that particular way.) I realized that was part of my fear of being wrong. It also came from childhood when I was told “Not so loud” or said something opposite to what I wanted to say and got “that look”. I see now I have wanted from childhood to not say the wrong thing or something stupid. It also has to do with my perception I talk too much – yes, I know at times I can be a motormouth, I also know when I am nervous I tend to chatter. It’s all part of being the “good girl” who follows the rules even when they sometimes didn’t make sense.

Recently another program came up, one about how I see myself and how it feels inside. I am working on my resume to move into a new direction for my business and myself. As I remembered the things I have done in the last 40 some years, I was amazed at the long list. Then I had some testimonials from various sources and as I was typing them into the page, I realized there was one word that came up more often than any other – confidence. They all see it but why don’t I see it or feel it? After awhile, I thought about growing up with not thinking or talking well of myself because it would be bragging or boasting. Is it a huge leap to wonder if being confident and feeling that confidence is somehow in my mind part of boasting and and bragging? Is that fear of being wrong mixed in there as well? It feels as if I am putting a puzzle together and some pieces seem to fit but the loose ones still haven’t come together – I don’t have a picture as a reference to guide me. Some days I feel I am floundering around in the dark, other days some things are quite clear. The rest of the days I feel I am muddling through, with small “aha’s” every once in a while – makes me think I am on the right track. Oh, there’s that word again – right, the opposite or wrong. Or am I making too much of this one small thing.

I know that all of this is my perception of things – that if I don’t do something exactly the way someone else wants it, I’m wrong and not smart enough to do it right. Another program rears its head. I have to also look at what I have focused on all this time – guess what, it was on the negative and how I didn’t measure up. Where did I stop looking at all the positives in my life, in what I have been and done? Let’s face it, most often in an evaluation, it’s always the thinks one didn’t do well and what has to “be fixed”. What would happen if, instead of looking at the negative, the focus is on one’s strengths and abilities – then it doesn’t have to be “fixed”. This morning I had my left knee go “out on me again and I thought “What was so scary and unthinkable many years ago that having pain was much more acceptable?”. I know now I have a different outlook and view of myself than I did a while ago – how would that situation seem to me now? The knee is part of the side of my left leg that has been a big source of pain and limitation – when did it start and what was going on at the time? I am more ready to examine it now than I have ever been, though I will admit to a small part a little afraid it may be harder to face than I think. However, at this point, the thought of continuing with the pain and limitations is worse than the thought of what the core issue really is that started it all. That is something I have noticed over the years, at some point there is choice to make and the thought of status quo is worse than the alternative. I have often found pain is great incentive to make a change – but it has to be your decision, not being talked into it by someone who has decided what is right for you.

Something for me to ponder and think about, I know it isn’t quite clear yet, nor do I have the “I know that I know” with a picture in my mind. More pieces to fit into place before my puzzle is complete. I have several puzzles in progress, it will be some time before my work is done.

Tags:Health, Ike Pono, Inner Critic, pain
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

Thank You YouTube!

December 5, 2010

It has been a rather odd 2 weeks for me lately. We had snow the week of Thanksgiving and since we live over a steep hill and at the top of another one, there was no way I was moving my butt out of here. I have been stuck on a hill in snow twice and that is 2 too many times. My other half made it out – who wouldn’t with an all wheel drive Volvo – but spent the next 2 nights up north in a hotel. I missed him but very glad he wasn’t in that traffic jam called I-5. I knew he was safe and warm in a hotel. The snow finally melted and we had blessed rain, so I saw him back the day before Thanksgiving. A little snow sends Seattle into a tizzy, so a lot of snow and ice sends it into orbit.

I know, what does that have to do with YouTube? I coming to that. I was scrolling around on Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend, I had been playing Bing Crosby, Ray Noble, Jack Hylton and Perry Como for my Mom. She really enjoyed it because they are songs of her young adulthood when there were big bands and part of the time she was going out with my Dad. Later I started looking around for some crystal singing bowl videos because I have been interested in sound healing and other more holisitic practices for the RA. I look for non-pharmaceutical ways to relieve pain and also to understand what is going on down inside of me. I came across a series of Chakra videos, one for each chakra. So I listened with ear phones and wondered if anything would come of it. Plus I know it is good to clear the chakras for well being. The fellow who did these videos calls himself 12soundsolutions and he had one called Amethyst Singing Bowl. It is meant to balance the masculine and feminine energies we all have. Now I know my giving right side is quite open, but my receiving left side is not open much – reasons for that are a whole different subject. So I figured it could hurt to have my energies balanced.

That night I slept quite well and comfortably, with only mild pain – I was amazed since I have had such pain and difficulty for the past few months. So I listened to it again the next day, another good night’s sleep and not the miserable pain that has been so usual. I have been listening to it every day and it am sleeping better than I have for a while. What is going on? I will say that since that first day, I have been so tired, falling asleep in the chair and feeling as if I am dragging myself around at times. Last Thursday I had that “coming down with something” feeling, not sure if it is a cold or flu. Also, after months of not having them, I had several migraines so I took a bomber each time and it was gone later. I started taking baking soda, took Airbonne and then Friday I started in on essential oils for the impending sore throat. Now it is a stuffy nose and more of a cold, so Tea Tree oil. Not sure what to do next, I may end up going to my acupuncturist to get rid of the whole thing. Yet in spite of all of that, I have slept quite well.

Now I can’t say the same for my joints, they seem to be rebelling and making it harder and more uncomfortable to walk. I am sure my body is shouting at me to let me know something is going on – which part do I listen to first? Yesterday I had a feeling of being boxed in – who is doing the boxing in and why? Is there something going on in my life that I would rather hurt than face it head on? I do have one situation to deal with that I don’t feel I have any control – well, some days that seems to cover everything in my life. But I realize that no one ever controls anything except one thing – one’s perceptions and thoughts. So I have to sort out my thoughts about things and decide how I want to perceive them – that I have control over! The choice is whether to continue on my ingrained and programmed negative or to stop to consciously shift gears and create positive perceptions. Takes some effort to teach an old dog new tricks, but definitely possible. I keep thinking “Why is this coming up now”? That answer always is because I am ready to hear it. Just add it to the list. The good part is that I am sleeping better at the moment.

So I will listen to the Amethyst Crystal bowl every day until the Universe sends me something else. Thank Yo YouTube for having all those videos and a way to listen to things I didn’t know existed or I haven’t heard in a long time. I am beginning to see Life as an adventure. You never know who you will meet or what they have to say – like the lady yesterday in the health food store who was buying marshmallow root to brew tea because the contrails piss her off. Go figure! I wasn’t going to touch that one with a 10 foot pole. Happy marshmallow root tea to her.

Tags:holistic, sound healing, YouTube
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Another one of those days!

November 27, 2010

I certainly didn’t expect to have another one of “those” days quite so soon, but there is no telling what will happen from one day to the next. I am working on seeing Life as an adventure and that isn’t always easy. Last night was one of those “end of my rope” times – I am still not sleeping and I was really dragging. Plus I felt a migraine coming on and it just seemed as if I couldn’t climb out of the hole of not sleeping very well for so long. I also was really feeling pain in my legs – I was at that point of starting to cry. But what surprised me was how I found myself feeling better – I got to thinking that as long as I focus on not sleeping well and being so tired – isn’t that creating what I don’t want? It was time to change direction, so I just asked God to change my attitude to positive. He has done that many times before – one time I remember especially. It was 1974 and we had just moved to an apartment complex in the South Bay of Los Angeles. A brand new apartment, bigger than the one we left in San Francisco, but I felt “I don’t like this place”. So I asked God to change my attitude and by golly, the next time I thought about it, I was fine.

I grew up with a legacy of several generations of negativity – how amazing that given that history, my Mom and Dad definitely changed a lot of that pattern for the three of us girls. They always made us feel loved and wanted and we did so much together as a family – Dad always said if they couldn’t take us somewhere, they didn’t want to go. They also brought us up with integrity – some days it felt like a blessing, other days more of a curse. How could I be a “bad girl” with all that “good girl” programming?I always wondered what it would be like to be a “bad girl”. Mom and Dad gave us a good grounding in many things and more and more I realize how blessed I was to grow up in this family.

The negative part was always there as well, not always spoken, more implied. One of the negative concepts was that the world is a scary place, so be safe and secure before venturing out. Not conducive to taking risks and stepping out of the comfort zone. There didn’t seem to be an example of stepping out to help guide us – so I have always been scared to step out in something risky. Except one that I ended up copying. Now I know that going down to Australia to marry a man I hardly knew was certainly a risk, except I didn’t really see it that way. My aunt has introduced us and if she thought there was anything shady about him, I know she would have let me know in no uncertain terms. Plus I had my Mom’s example – she went to California to marry my Dad right after Pearl Harbor even though her family thought she was crazy. it took me as long to go to Australia in 1969 as it took her to go from Connecticut to California in December 1941. I realize there was an objective in that rip, he was at the end of the flight and I couldn’t wait to see him again. There were a couple of three times when I thought to myself “What am I doing? I don’t know this man” . That’s when The Voice arrived, asking “Well, if you don’t go, how will you feel?”. The answer was, I would regret it. The Voice said “then shut up and do it!”.

I know my parents loved us, but it seemed there was always second guessing and micro-managing – any time we did something or went somewhere. It was a constant “Don’t fall down the bank”, “Don’t trip and hurt yourself”, “Don’t cut yourself” “Don’t, Don’t, Don’t”! That was when we went to the property they owned on Vashon Island and we checked out the fruit trees, the high bank waterfront on the Sound and the old barn with all kinds of things inside. Ye Gods and Little Fishes! Did she think I or my sisters were going to do things deliberately to see how much damage we could do with the least amount of effort? Give me a break! We did have common sense after all.

Recently I began to be more aware of the patterns of only looking at the negative. We have a long, steep windy hill in front of us and we can get to West Seattle more easily that way. So when I was driving my Mom down it one day, she talked about going over the edge and ending up in a heap at the bottom without any trouble. I suddenly realized I didn’t want to buy into that any more, so I said we could just as easily go down the hill and get to where we were going with no problem. I had never done that before and I have started noticing things ever since then. It does take more practice to be aware of the negative patterns – negative autopilot is easier and more familiar. It is slowly getting easier as I practice – I am a work in progress.

One thing I have chosen to do is to set an intention of knowing the truth about myself because I now know it isn’t all negative as I have always feared. Yes, there are things that are uncomfortable, may make me cringe and aren’t easy to admit and embrace; but there isn’t a godawful bitch on wheels in there after all. Inside there is an amazing woman coming into her own and she is a Kickass Warrior.

Tags:life patterns, negativity, pain, rheumatoid arthritis
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

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