Yesterday morning when my Mom got up, she asked me who she is. It happened a couple of weeks ago and it really surprised me. I know she doesn’t always know who I am, but she has always known who she was. She is the most confused in the morning when she wakes up; later in the morning it is better but not always. The other thing she said was she didn’t think she was in the right place – where the right place I have no clue. I told this is her place right now and after going through a couple of times, she seemed okay. At least she didn’t do her “never mind, forget it” routine. There have been days when she seems to have one foot in this world and one in the next world, what my sister Candy calls the thin places. Every day Mom goes more and more into the thin places – she wants so much to be on the other side with Dad, Josie the cat and her family – she is scared they really aren’t there. My friend Monty told me they are preparing a place for Mom and because she will be confused at the beginning, she will have guides to help her through the transition. I have told her this, she wants to believe it so much but I don’t know what scares her so much.
I have watched this very independent (and stubborn) woman become so tentative and afraid, asking permission to do anything. She once said she used up all her courage to fly from Connecticut to California to marry my Dad right after Pearl Harbor. I wonder if that was really true. What I also realize is that is one of my childhood programs. We were always taught to ask permission first before doing anything – except my younger sister was the one who at time would announce she had done such and so. Where did that come from? How did I miss that? I definitely was brought up to be a good girl, follow the rules, ask permission, etc. No wonder I have had a hard time trusting myself and following my heart. I didn’t listen to my heart because it was different from what I learned at home. Let’s face it, I wanted to be accepted, acceptable while not having the courage of my convictions. Ye Gods & Little Fishes! At 65 I am still that way in some things but I am breaking out of my shell and taking risks. Well, risks for me.
I also notice how negative Mom has become. She doubts everything and is convinced the worst possible scenario will come to pass. She just left for a walk with the new caregiver and I said she didn’t need to take the house key, that I would be here and the house would be open. She doesn’t think so. Not sure what she thinks will happen but I suspect having the door key makes her feel more secure. I am not going to try to persuade her to leave the key here, it isn’t going to make a difference but she will feel better having it. I have grown up with that negativity from the time I can remember, but it has intensified so much the past few years. I really see now how much I have absorbed that thinking for most of my life, now I am finally much more aware and recognize more often. No, it’s isn’t all the time but I have also changed my thinking. In the morning before I get out of bed, I thank and give gratitude to God, my Spirit Guides, Angels and Master Teachers for all I have been blessed with – comfortable and uncomfortable. I will admit it isn’t whole-hearted yet – those uncomfortable ones aren’t quite there yet. I am a work in progress.
I also notice Mom tends to mumble and talk about things that make no sense, not even sure they make sense to her. More and more I don’t know what she is trying to say, only that she gets frustrated and upset she can’t get the words out. Then she goes straight to “never mind, it doesn’t matter!”. She talks about other people in the house, I don’t know if they live here or just visit or if she sees them or only senses them. She is confused a lot about who I am, yesterday she thought I was her sister. She thinks Eddie is her father, my father, her husband – I wonder if it is because he is the only male she sees consistently.
I often wonder where my Mom is and who is this confused and scared woman living with us. She looks like Mom but not much resemblance other than that.
Gift of RA 