Gift of RA

I was just in the shower and it hit me – I associate walking with pain.  I went with Eddie to the Car Show yesterday, he always likes looking at cars and always goes back to Volvos.  All I thought was “I really don’t want to go but I will do it for Eddie.  There is a lot of walking and I still I run out of energy  quickly”.  As I had my shower, I realized that part of it was I don’t really enjoy the Car Show and want to wander all around.  I am interested in how comfortable a car is, can I reach, pull, push or adjust what I need to with ease?  Is it comfortable to sit in it and easy for me to drive – make and model are not a big factor.

I realize the interest factor isn’t there for me as it is for him.  I will admit that I can walk around one grocery store on Saturday and then another later after a chance to rest.  I realized that when I think about physical movement, I have programmed myself to expect pain and discomfort.  Can’t blame anyone else for this one – it is all on me.

I have been reading Neale Donald Walsh’s book “When Everything Changes, Change Everything”.   It has had a lot of insights and “aha’s” for me, but at the end of the first part, he sums it up that when you experience something, it isn’t  what’s in the moment.  It is all the past experiences the mind and ego bring up to explain it.

I was in shower a week or so ago and I could feel a sharp pain building in my left temple.  I am getting better at thinking “Hmmmm, this is interesting, I wonder what is happening”.  I am learning to look at it with curiosity and think “This is interesting, where is it coming from?”.  I started to remember Neale and thought about what does this trigger?  It hit me – it feels like a migraine coming on, bringing a miserable sharp pain in my temple, eye stinging and watering, stuffy nose and if it goes on too long, I feel and am sick to my stomach.  where’s my bomber?  Shit, I only have one left!

I remembered, that is Past Data from another time, it has nothing to do with right now.  I am not sure where this comes from or what it is, yet here I am thinking in terms of Past Data.  That certainly brought me up short!  I began to be curious about it and also set an intention to release, let go and clear out all that Past Data and fill the empty spaces with Divine Love.

I realized this current thing isn’t a migraine, I haven’t had them for quite a while.  Okay, so what is this pain?  I have been having more sinus headaches and study nose with a dry, scratchy throat – is it coming from sinus?  I still don’t quite know that this stuff is, it’s been hanging on for a long time.  What I noticed was the pain in my temple eased a lot – I have to remember to do this more often!

Lately, the other thing I have learned is to be with what hurts, seeing if I can describe it to myself.  It seems to lessen things a lot.  I know I have to come from curiosity and be neutral, otherwise it doesn’t work.  I also have to ask  myself “What is my body telling me?”.  Now that one is harder to do because I am still learning to listen and hear what she is telling me.  Sometimes it comes through intuition, sometimes I have to ask for help from someone I trust who is not as close to it as I am.  That usually involves more questions, but it helps quite a bit.

Now I have to look into the Past Data on walking or anything physical – my first thought is “Hell’s Bells!  I have had to deal with RA for 43 years, doesn’t that tell me!”.   But I know it is more than that and it means I will have to be more of a detective with a mountain of evidence to sift through before I will see my light bulb go on completely.  Right now it is a little dim, but I expect it will slowly brighten into full tilt with work.

I saved this draft and was ready to put it away to finish, then I realized I don’t have much more to write at the moment.  So I am sending it out and see what comes up next for me.  And since I don’t really have anything to illustrate it, I am going to add a photo my sister Ellen sent the other day.

There was a Nor’easter earlier and this was how it looked afterward.

She sent me this the next day.