Posts Tagged ‘adult family home’

Relief And A Smack In The Face

September 9, 2012

Thursday was supposed to be a day for me, but it ended up mostly about Mom.  I had a call in the afternoon from Denise, the social worker – Jas had visited with Mom at the Day Center and thought she was sweet.  She has agreed to have Mom come and live in her adult family home.  She can come on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week.  Yikes!!!  It was such a relief that everyone agreed to have Mom live there, but it was like a smack in the face to realize it would be next week.  I had to just let it sink in and simmer on the back burner for a bit.   When I called her, it was the beginning of family training.  I was working on quotes for a client in between phone calls, so I worked on that for awhile to let it settle and not feel so immediate.

Of course, the next thing is telling Mom and making the transition.  I called Kathy on Friday and asked if she would help me with it since she knows Mom quite well.  I also called Jas to thank her for having Mom come to live in the house and to decide what day.  I’m not sure if it was relief or just letting go of stress about it that made me feel so tired – I have been exhausted for the past several weeks.  I went to see my chiropractor in the morning and went to an engagement lunch for my friend Chloe Ann – I know her from Breakfast Club and have been living vicariously through her for the past year as she has been doing online dating.  It is something she never thought she would do, but with help from friends, she did the preparation work to be ready to find the right man.  She feels she has and they are going to be married at the end of the month.  He lives in Vancouver, Wa and they plan to live there and rent ChloeAnn’s condo for a while.  I’m glad I had some time for my own things, then I drove up to the Center to sign the papers and pick up Mom.  She didn’t know I was coming, nor does she know about the move.

I talked to the social worker and learned some things about Mom, some of the things she does at the Center and some things I didn’t know she liked.  One thing she told me was that Mom really enjoys holding the weighted baby doll they have – that was a surprise.  So I decided it might be a good idea to buy her one for the new home.  Of course I checked with my doll expert Charlotte.  She has been collecting, repairing and making clothes for her dolls and also when she worked in the doll shop.  She offered to give Mom one of her weighted baby dolls, a girl in pink.  It is a really nice one and I am so amazed at such a generous gift.  When I was at the Center, I asked to see the baby doll she has been holding so I could see if it is similar to the one Charlotte has.  I think so.  So I will happily accept her gift for Mom.  She also has been enjoying holding a very large bear – I checked my supplier and they have one I can order so Mom has another option.  I may not do both all at once, just see how things go.

I talked to Kathy today to find out how to start the process of  transition – she said we need to tell Mom now, plus she will come by to visit after I tell her to help reassure her.  So I will tell her tomorrow morning and then Kathy will come by about noon with salads to have lunch.  I’ll just tell Mom Kathy called and wanted to come and visit.  We’ll see what happens after that.  She emphasized I need to make it positive and to say that Jas has invited her to come there to live.  I am just going to ask God, my angels, spirit guides and master teachers to give me the words, actions, attitude, etc. and I will just show up and get out of the way.  Otherwise I will worry and agonized about what to say and wonder if I “get it right”.  Unfortunately I tend t0 over analyze things, driving myself nuts.

There has been a small part of me that has been feeling a bit guilty for doing this.  The social worker said something that helped me feel better about it – she said Mom is at a good stage for the transition because she is still social.  If I wait too long, it may be much harder for Mom to adjust.  Jas suggested not seeing for a week, maybe two while Mom adjusts.  Then visit for only 15 minutes, bringing her something.  then Jas will distract her and I need to leave quickly.  One step at a time.

Waiting Isn’t Always Easy

September 6, 2012

This came from the Universe today – I could have used it earlier but no doubt this is just the right time.  I have been apprehensive, concerned, scared and unsure in finding an adult family home for my Mom; this has really hit home for me.

Lee, when you move, I move. When you reach, I reach. And when you go the extra mile, I clear the way. But not a moment sooner.

Which is why before you move, reach, and go, things sometimes look so scary. 

 Just like that,

    The Universe

Lee, “I do” if “you do.” Settled? I now pronounce us unstoppable.

I so appreciate the daily note from The Universe during the week – so often it is spot on to what I am thinking, doing or wondering about in my life.  Certainly finding a place for my Mom has been one of those very uncomfortable situations; I am so grateful for The Universe already creating the solution (even though I wasn’t really sure) and all the people who have been helping me all along the way.  I am so glad I don’t have to do it all by myself – I would be bouncing off the walls a rubber room by now.  I have had help from Providence, Kathy has been a great help and Eddie as well.  When it comes to Mom’s financial and business affairs, I have had a lot of help from my Networking Breakfast Club – Dave our elder law attorney, people who know about houses and property, others who have had to deal with the same kind of situation, caregivers, etc.  I have such support from friends and family to help me take care of myself and have a more objective view of the situation – I am still on the emotional  end of it, not as much but still there.  Plus God, angels, spirit guides and master teaches to help and guide me.

Monday on Labor Day I called around and found one place with an opening.  Eddie and I went down there and spent almost 2 hours with Jaswir.  (She said I was the first one to pronounce it properly.  She goes by Jas)   This is a double wide manufactured home that has room for 6 people.  The room Mom would share is what used to be the master suite, so it is larger and has a bigger closet, and a bath they both share.  Her room mate is a woman with Dementia, though quite articulate and friendly.  The other woman seem to be at about the same level of function as Mom and they interact with each other.  They eat together and there is a covered back porch as well as a nice area in the front they like to sit – Jas said they love to be outside when it is sunny.  I had a better feeling about this home and arranged for Kathy to come and see it with us yesterday.  I was pleased that she liked what she saw and when she talked to Jas – she can see and notice things that I don’t know to ask.  So today Jas is going to meet Mom at the Center and assess her level of function and the Providence records.  She has worked with them before and knows Mom’s doctor, Kathy thinks that is a real plus.  So I am hoping they can reach an agreement.

This is where I really have to let go and put it in God’s hands – this or something better.  I am not anxious to go calling any more, but I willing to do it if it is necessary.  Yesterday was attorney and mortgage day – we talked to Dave and Tom to see the options for the house and what will work for us.  No decision but now we are checking to see if refinancing with a loan of our own and some extra to fix it up is in our budget.  Brad came by and we explained what we are thinking of doing, he will now give us and estimate and see how that fits with a loan with a reasonable monthly payment.

I want the whole things settled right now, but it is a time of constant patience because so much of it depends on other people doing their job.  It is hard to be patient, I’m doing my best.  This has been a time of learning and growing – not always a comfortable process.  I have been learning about myself as well as about Dementia; it seems to be more clear at times when I look back at what has just happened.  I am realizing a lot of childhood programs and triggers, plus seeing how I have been influenced in my adult years with out realizing it.  Now it seems as if I am growing stronger and more adult as Mom diminishes and is weaker.  She has always been a very strong influence on my, maybe when she is gone I can finally be myself.  That is what my friend Kathie Brodie found after her mom died.  The other important things she learned what what her mom was teaching her – it was never clear and when she talked to another friend who talks to angels, she finally understood.  It was her aunt who said she could now be herself.

It truly has been an uncomfortable time, that means I have been and am growing, stretching and learning.  Truly out of my comfort zone.  Several friends have told me that I will be glad I was here for my Mom. that I will have no regrets.  I admit I  regret I have not been as patient as I wanted to be, it has been hard to be with her as a friend – I am hoping when she is settled in her new home that we can have a more enjoyable relationship.

Someone’s Life In My Hands

September 2, 2012

It is scary to realize I have to decide the direction my Mom’s life will take.  It is a big responsibility and I want to do what is best for her and for us.  My biggest fear is making the wrong decision about what adult family home will be her new home – I know it has to be done and I am looking for the place that is the right fit for her.

The program I enrolled her in at Providence has done a great job of providing so much – a day center to interact with other people, all her medical care, supplies, help in finding a place for her, pharmacy – it is a great program.  I have gone to see three adult family homes, the first was okay but had a lot of drawbacks even though the owner is known for her patience and good care of dementia patients.  The second is a good potential place, still some questions to answer.  The third was okay but a bit far out from us and not quite as nice as the second.  However, the woman who owns it is good with dementia patients where the second is a somewhat unknown quantity.  But I need to look at others and let’s face, labor Day weekend is a bit difficult to find people home.  I have looked through the list and made notes, so I now have to at least drive by and see how they look.  Some have a picture of the front, but not necessarily very clear or angled for a proper look.  I also used the satellite photos as well, I could see fairly close and tell if they have a back yard, how big the house is, etc.

This all makes me very uncomfortable, I know being uncomfortable means out of my comfort zone, stretching and learning; I’ll be honest, I would rather have someone else do it.  But it is my responsibility and I need to make sure it works for Mom.  I feel as if I am between a rock and hard place – it’s getting very difficult to have her living here but it is difficult to work on the process of finding her a place to live.  I get that tickle of fear in my stomach and want to be anywhere but here.  Yet I know God has already created a solution that works and I am working on letting go and allowing the solution to emerge.  It isn’t easy because I keep obsessing about the whole thing because I don’t want to “get it wrong”.  I feel sharp pains on my left side from my spastic colitis  as I think about what to do and where is best.

My life would be a lot easier and less stressful with Mom in an adult family home.  I can’t give her the care she needs and to be honest, I don’t have any patience left.  I have to cancel my life to accommodate her or to do the things that are necessary – doesn’t leave much time for my life.  My business is down the tube because of it – though the broken hip didn’t help either.  She goes to the Center 4 days a week, but that doesn’t leave me a whole lot of time to do much.  And if she isn’t ready for the van, as happened last week, I had to take her over – there went my day alone because I also needed to talk to the social worker.  By the time I got home, I only had time for a nap.

I am at the end of my energy, I am tired physically all the time and as for mentally and emotionally, I am so weary and getting close to the end of my rope.  It is very energy and time consuming even with care givers here, I couldn’t do it without then. I tell them every time how much I appreciate what they do and thank them for being here – I also had quite an education when I was in rehab.  I told all the caregivers thank you and how much I appreciate every thing they do.  After a bit I would ask if they were tired of hearing me say it; most often they said they weren’t tired of hearing it, it made up for those who never said anything.

I have started reading a book called “Contented Dementia”, recommended to me by my caregiver counselor.  Yes, I have one and we met last Wednesday.  I have seen her several times, her job is to be there for me and help me understand what is happening as well as solutions to situations I don’t know how to handle.  She thought this book would help me especially in understanding more about what is going on as well as how to answer some of those questions Mom asks and I don’t know how to respond.  Lately, Mom has asked about my Dad and was really upset and unhappy when I told he was gone – it was as if she had not heard the news before.  Wow! does that make me feel terrible!  She now asks where her parents are, so I am learning to say they are here.  If she asks where they are, I tell her they a far away.  She has asked me where my mother is – the first time I told her she is my mother.  You would have thought I had hit with a cattle prod because she looked so shocked.  Now I have learned to say my mother is at home.  If Mom asks where, I just say she lives close by.

Every day is different and I wonder what the day will bring – something funny, a question I don’t know how to answer, her stubbornness and refusal to take a shower or change her clothes or not wanting to go to the Center.  All I want is some peace and quiet.


Angelswhisper2011

Me and my Granny

TWO Spoiled Cats

Angel Sammy and Teddy Make TWO

Northwest Outdoors

This WordPress.com site is the cat’s pajamas

countingducks

reflections on a passing life

Universal Cosmic Consciousness

All experiences are the journey.

Sequins and Cherry Blossom

Where to see cherry blossom and other things in London

Tofino Photography

Professional Wildlife, Landscape and Seascape Photography

Rocking This Illness: My Story of Life with Behcet's Disease

Navigating Life with an Illness that Doesn't Define Me

I used to be indecisive...

...but now I'm not so sure

livelovebegreen

making my world greener, one day at a time

LEANNE COLE

Trying to live a creative life

Wiley's Wisdom

Joy: From the Ground Up

StickertyClick.com

" Creativity is a drug that i can't live without' - Cecil B. Demille StickertyClick, Destination for all of your edgy creative needs.

brent's iPhone & japan

what am i up to...

TwoCatsViews

Life as Seen by Hemingway and Steinbeck

Kalliope Amorphous

Art blog of Kalliope Amorphous

Top 10 of Anything and Everything - The Fun Top Ten Blog

Animals, Gift Ideas, Travel, Books, Recycling Ideas and Many, Many More

The Jiggly Bits

...because life is funny.

All Flared Up: An Arthritis Blog

Living Rather Than Wallowing

%d bloggers like this: