Tuesday – Day 2


A machine to measure bone density to check for...

A machine to measure bone density to check for osteoporosis in the elderly and other vulnerable subjects. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Tuesday I was feeling down  when I went to see my rheumatologist and have my infusion.  I had good news, my blood work shows the sed rate and inflammation was down a bit – she said it would take about 3 – 6 months to really see the difference.  I also said I was feeling a bit better, nowhere specific, just a general feeling better.  She is quite pleased.  She wants me to do a bone density scan when I see her in four weeks – so I do the scan, see her since she will have the results and then do my infusion.  Another doctor day.

It had been cloudy all morning, so it felt good to see a bit of the sun.  I went over to see Mom when I was done at the Polyclinic to see her.  I parked the car across the street, a bit on the grass, and the next thing I know, there’s a guy yelling at me to get off the grass – not just once or twice but many times – ranting in between.  I was stunned by such unexpected shouting.  I had not even had a chance to move in the car and I suddenly felt caught up in a childhood program.  I am sick to death of being told what to do and there was a stubborn streak coming out in me.  I moved the car not to where he told to, but against the fence of Mom’s house – a little passive aggressive mode.  I felt powerless in that moment.

I went in  to see Mom and found she was sound asleep – for whatever reason, she didn’t sleep the night before and was making up for it, so I didn’t wake her.   I told Didi what happened outside and she said he has a major alcohol problem and is like that with everyone.  I wished I had had a comeback at the moment, I only thought of it when I was near the house.  I told Didi I wished I had said “Blow it out your ear, a**hole!” but couldn’t think of it.  She said he needs to be told that.  What I did was as I left, I went by his car, rolled down the window and told him “Don’t you ever speak that way to me again!”.  He was ranting again and I told him to blow it out his ear and then I left.  I realized he had a louder voice than I do, so I was not going to get the upper hand – I wanted that so much.

As I drove away I found myself very upset and wanting to cry, I didn’t like the way I felt or behaved, that’s not how I want my being.  I thought about it all the way home and realized ego was in there with her two cents, wanting the upper hand and being right.  Well, Dr. Phil often asks people “Do you want to be right or happy?”.  I know she is protecting me and wanting to keep me safe – now I realized I needed to thank her for her care and tell her I choose something else.

There was so much churning around in my mind and as a result, in my body as well.  This is not the way I am becoming, it would have better for me to have sat in the car to center and ground myself and release the negative energy before going to see Mom.  I brought that negative energy into the house and I have kept it in my body as well.

I am beginning to realize what was happening – after the fact – and recognizing the programs and reactions that have been so automatic.  I haven’t been very good company lately, such familiar programs and reactions but only recognizing them better and better.  I have not done much of anything to change the situation and my response to it.  I am definitely a work in progress as I continue to notice programs coming up and thank ego for sharing but I choose something else.

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2 Responses to “Tuesday – Day 2”

  1. angelswhisper2011 Says:

    I can understand that feeling Lee. Since I’m in my menopause I’m reacting like a different person, somebody I don’t know and I don’t want to be and it costs me a lot energy to keep it in controle.
    I hope you’re feeling a little better now 🙂

    • Lee Kaplanian Says:

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment. I have been working on being nonjudgmental, not easy because so much of my programs and ways of behaving tend to be on autopilot, I need to be more aware and notice when it happens. I thought I would feel satisfaction when I yelled at him, but I didn’t. My awareness and noticing is beginning to work, my ego is still active and I am working her as well.

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