When I wrote the post yesterday, it was mainly about the move, Mom and the aftermath. I can’t believe I forgot to mention that I was miserable because my right side was so painful in the neck and shoulder. It was as bad as last year after I spent so much time on the computer doing quotes for a client. I didn’t do much in the way of lifting or doing things, though I suppose not wearing my collar while I worked on the inventory lists on the computer might have done it. At times it was like an icepick in my shoulder, I couldn’t move any way that wasn’t uncomfortable – even the hot tub at the spa didn’t really do it. My knees were also very unhappy – they have been uncomfortable for awhile – could it be The Preparation from my Tai Chi lesson? I was really hurting when I was taking stuff to the garage to put in the car.
So not only have I been exhausted, I have been in pain as well – let’s face it, that doesn’t help with energy. Stress causes difficulty and flare ups; that means the body is using all her energy to fight the RA and flare up. Not much energy left for anything else. I have done the things I have to, some things for myself – like Olympus Spa – and on Monday I went to see Dr. Cheryl, my chiropractor. She was able to take most of the icepick out of my shoulder, so I was more comfortable. I saw Debye for my massage and learned I have some emotions stuck in my abdomen. People have told me there is a lot of emotion connected with this move and the whole situation – so far I haven’t really identified it. At the moment I am not ready to go there – though I was in the bathroom a few days ago and had a knowing there is more emotion below the surface than just the feelings of frustration, resentment, anger, etc, from the past few months and years.
I went to see Mom on Tuesday, she was sleepy and not quite with it, so I wonder if this has tired her out a lot as well. I saw her again on Friday and she was more alert and with it. However, both times she asked why she is there and if she has to stay. I told her it was her home now and she is safe as well as taken care of by the caregivers and Didi. I have no answer for her other than that – I know I can put myself on a guilt trip and although I am not boarding that bus, I felt a foot or two on the step. I know it has only been a week and a half, it does upset me to have her ask. She keeps asking about her parents, if I have seen them. Then she asks if they are dead – it seems as if it is the first time she heard it. I tell her they are watching over her and preparing a place for her, they are waiting for her. Then she wants to know how she can get there – all I can tell her is I don’t know, no one has come back to tell us how it all works. I don’t know if that helps or not. I am wondering if my visits are making harder or not. Apparently she was asking about me and she was glad to see me. She says it is a nightmare there, but they are good to her – how accurate are her perceptions? I need to ask Didi what works for her about visits.
I know this is stress for me, not good for the body, mind or spirit. Several people have told me I have done a wonderful job taking care of Mom as long as I have. Here is that negative take coming up – I didn’t do it to the absolute nth degree, I have be irritable and have yelled at her – not patient enough. I have to stop and tell myself taking care of her has come to affect my health and my marriage, I have to protect myself or I will be back in rehab (if I am lucky!) For so much of my life I have felt responsible for the world, of making other people happy at the expense of myself. Now I am learning to switch gears to take care of myself first so I will have overflow for others. Are they childhood messages or the ways a middle child operates? Probably some of both – my older sister Ellen would tell me “Ditch it, girl!” in no uncertain terms.
As a result of the shoulder and neck pain, I haven’t been able to really use the computer or pen to write about all of it – it really bugs me because it is one of the ways I can release and clear out a lot of stuff I don’t want to hold on to any more. I also have projects I want to work on and there is my business that has languished for two years so that there isn’t much of it left. I wonder how it will feel to be finally rested and have energy – it is been so long. Certainly it is easier to do things with a lot of energy – I just cleaned the new bathroom, had to rest, now it is time to do the floor. Imagine doing it all at once and not having trouble bending and reaching, plus have the strength and elbow grease for those places that really need it. I am looking forward to that!
Tags: Energy, guilt, Health, Mother, pain, rheumatoid arthritis
Gift of RA 
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