Something To Ponder

Here it is a week later – I thought I had more to write, but I must have because I didn’t send it out.  So this is last week’s post, I will work this week’s today.

I know it has been 2 weeks since I last wrote a post – a week ago Friday I learned something that upset me and I have been coming to terms with it while was simmering on the back burner.  I have a small sore on my leg that doesn’t heal – not skin cancer but I wasn’t sure what.  It was all red around it and I knew I needed to have it check.  My rheumatologist didn’t know and back when it happened, she debated whether to do Orencia or not.  Fortunately she did okay  my infusion.  Last Friday I saw my dermatologist and she knew right away what it was – an ulcer.  Not only that, according to her it would take weeks to heal.  I have scar tissue below the skin from constant edema – knew my legs were swollen but I had no idea all that was happening under the skin.  She wanted me to do a vascular ultrasound to see if the varicose veins are affected and she sent to wound care center as well.

What upset me was suddenly here are long term side effects of RA – something I never thought about.  Now it is hitting me in the face and I don’t quite know how to handle it.   Then it escalates to “What else is the down the road for me?”  If I had written a post last Sunday, I would have  whinged and moaned, feeling a victim.  I knew I needed time to let it sink in and get used to the idea – I am not so emotional about it this week.  I had lunch with Charlotte on Wednesday and we had a great time.  I wanted to talk to her about it because she has had to deal with medical stuff longer than I have and I wanted to know how she deals with it.  Essentially it is a matter of “This what it is” and not getting all uptight, depressed and having a victim mentality.  I wasn’t really able to put into words what I was feeling to explain to her, yet I know she understands.  She is often the one I talk to about medical stuff and for the past 14 years about husbands and being laid off – otherwise known as being made redundant.

After the initial upset and feeling a victim, I had to pull up my socks and think interns of a different perspective about it.  What are the gifts and what positive and empowering thoughts can I shift to instead of victim?  I have had that victim mentality too long and I choose and prefer positive thoughts.  I don’t quite have the answers yet, but at least I am in a more positive frame of mind.

Friday morning I went to the wound care center and found out they are all quite friendly there and also, the nurse said the ulcer isn’t very deep.  She asked all kinds of questions as she cleaned out the dead skin and then there was a small square of some honey antibiotic, then a pad to keep it in place, then tape, then wrapped in cotton – almost looked like fabric.  The she wound some brown fabricy stuff that sticks to itself – they use blue  for my infusion – and finally a pressure bandage all around.  For this little sore, she wrapped me from toe to knee.  Finally she had a black cotton sock up to my knee to keep the pressure bandage from getting all over my clothes.  I can’t get it wet, so spit baths are in order.  Today I had to wash my hair, so I had a white garbage tied around my leg and I stood behind the shower chair to keep me as dry as possible.  It did work, so now I just have to figure out how to get the rest of me in the shower to be clean and not get my leg wet.  It is good for a week, so next Thursday morning I will go back and have it changed and she can check to see how it is doing.

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