Perception is Everything

These days I am not sure what is going on with my Mom.  Friday afternoon I went to see her and we talked, but she said the food wasn’t very good and “Do I have to stay here?”  I feel I am on a roller coaster at times, I am not sure what the real story it any more.  I saw her this morning and brought her some flowers since it is a cloudy, rainy, dreary day.  I thought she would like some color for a bit since the leaves are mostly gone from the trees.  She told me she was ready to leave and go somewhere else, where I don’t know, though Friday she said if she could go to her parents house she would be all right.  She asks about her parents, then says “They are dead, aren’t they?”.  I say they are watching over her and preparing a place for her when her time comes – of course she is ready to go now, right this minute.   She wants to know when she will go and the only answer I have for her is that no one has come back from the other side to tell us how it all works.  Today I said that sometimes people have to go to a different place to catch the train, not sure if that helped or not.  Am I just looking for logic when she talks about things?  Is there logic in it or is there a thought process I don’t understand?

Is she putting me on a guilt trip? I have been really good and proficient at boarding that bus all by myself.  Does anyone have any good answers?  Or is this one of those I play by ear.  I hadn’t realized I had forgotten something I learned in Ike Pono – “I care but not so much”.  I realize I have been tying myself up in knots thinking I can “make it better”, but I don’t think that is possible.  I also thought I had finally understood and accepted that I am not responsible for the world and it is up to me to fix it.  Maybe it is because she looks so lost and confused as well as unhappy about the situation.  She will say that everyone is very nice and good to her, she likes the people, so it can’t be terrible.  Maybe it is just her perception and that changes with her awareness.

Now contrast that with what my sister Candy wrote about her phone call to Mom on Sunday.

Just wanted to touch base and let you know I talked to Mom today. She
sounded pretty confused, but still knew who I was, with a little
reminder or two thrown in during the conversation. She was asking if
her mother was all right (I told her she was fine and waiting for her
on the other side). And she said twice that she was looking forward to
seeing everybody. I told her she was where she was so she could wait
for the train there, and she seems to think it’s okay, even though
it’s not where she wants to be, which is on the other side. She likes
the food, says the people are nice, and the bed is comfortable. She
says the cat is kept out back and she doesn’t see it often, but she
has a bear to hold (I’m assuming the bear Elizabeth was talking
about). She didn’t sound depressed, just bewildered and wanting the
waiting to be over. I felt like the energy was good and that Mom feels
safe and as comfortable as she’ll allow herself to be.

That reminds me, I did bring her a cuddly bear shortly after she moved in there.  She was pleased with it and it seems she sleeps with him and also will hold him while watching television.  I asked her two or three times if he had a name, not yet.  then the next time I asked, she said his name was James.  There is a second smaller bear she said he was James too.  So we have James the First and James the Second.  I tell her I am sleeping with Bunny too – she gives me a lot of comfort.  I had asked her what her name is and I think it is Sweet Pea because I have called her that without thinking.  I am thinking of getting her a little stuffed furry cat so she has a cat of her own.  Not sure when, maybe wait until it feels like the right time.

I talked to Didi about Mom and she said she spends time with the others, eats very well and is enjoyable to be around.  Didi doesn’t think Mom is unhappy, she would certainly let me know if there is a problem or situation.  One day at a time and not allow myself to ride the roller coaster.

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