Gift of RA

I wrote this post a couple of days ago, not sure if whether to publish it or not since it isn’t just me involved.  I have decided it is part of my journey, a big part of my life at the moment and definitely has a bearing on RA.

I am realizing I am in denial sometimes – at times it feels as if I am the Queen of Denial.  this morning I realized that I thought my Mom’s dementia was occasional when she doesn’t remember who I am – big newsflash to me, it is a lot more often.  She seems to see me and Eddie as the man and woman who live here, not her daughter and son-in-law. I know in my head that it isn’t about me, it isn’t personal, that she is struggling through a fog and is probably scared and unsure.  The emotion in me feels a stab in the heart when it happens – some from my grown up self and some from my little girl, it hurts to know my mother doesn’t know who I am am.  I can usually go along and deal with it as it comes, but for some reason it really hit me this morning.  maybe because my husband told me about the conversation after I left to have a shower.  He was laughing about it and I told him it is no laughing matter, it hurts to know your mother doesn’t know who you are.  I had a cry in the shower and then visualized the blackness of negativity and hurt slowly draining out of my body, replaced with a bright irridescent white light of love filling the spaces the black left behind.  I have also  called on my angels, spirits, guides and master teachers to help and guide me to come to terms with it and resolve it;to help change my attitude to positive.  I asked them to work with me with whatever works and is for my highest good.  I am still feeling very emotional and can probably start crying again – I decided to write it out instead.

I suppose it started this morning because I had gone to the bathroom and Mom wanted to use it. So I finished and then she asked if I was going to take a shower.  I told her no because she complains a lot of the time I take all the hot water, so I  make sure she has the first shower unless I have to go out early.  Later she came in the kitchen and asked why I wasn’t having a shower, so I told her I was reading the paper.  She went back to get dressed and came in the kitchen to ask me why I wasn’t having a shower – I was drinking coffee that coffee and shower don’t mix well.  So I finished my coffee and said “If I have everyone’s approval and permission, I will go have my shower.  Then I am enjoying my shower and Eddie comes in to tell me about the conversation after I left.  Mom wanted to know why that woman was angry, what did he say to her?  Then he was laughing about it and it really hit me in the heart – she doesn’t know who I am most of the time, not just occasionally.  I told him it was no joking matter to not have your mother know who you are – it hurts!  He left and I was crying in the shower for a bit.  Then Mom comes in, calls my name and asks if I am in the shower.  I think she remembers for a bit after she is reminded, but it doesn’t last – I have been thinking it lasts longer than it does.  Yesterday Eddie and I went out and she was talking to my older sister Ellen on the phone, I said to tell her I said hello.  Mom didn’t know who to tell her , so I said “Your sister Elizabeth”.  Then she got it.

I have not really wanted to acknowledge what is happening fully.  Yes, I know she has lapses in memory and gets things confused, I think it was really brought home to me this morning how far into the thin places she goes.  It is so frustrating to answer her question only to have her ask it over and over again because she doesn’t remember.  It is as if it goes into black hole right after she hears it – where that black hole is could be anyone’s guess.  It is as if there is a cotton wool layer that everything goes through, little bits break off and are caught in the cotton wool, then attach themselves to something that comes through latter.  So by the time Mom talks about it, things that aren’t related are jumbled up with what she wants to say.  Then there are the times when she remembers something I wish she wouldn’t – like the little kid who tells embarrassing secrets Mom and Dad would rather not be made public.  In some ways I feel the parent now – I have no experience because I chose not to have children, so I have no clue how to do this.

I take it one incident at a time, it is always surprising what comes out, nothing I expect.  I am doing my best not to take it personally, to be objective about it because it is not about me, but there are those times when it really hits me.  Most of the time Eddie is such a great help and takes care of finances and so many other things – every once in awhile he drops a clanger, just as all of us do.  I certainly wouldn’t want to be doing this all alone.

Tags: Denial, pain, Recognize

This entry was posted on September 6, 2011 at 7:44 am and is filed under Emotions. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.