Gift of RA

Last week was a somewhat low point for me, especially when I actually saw the wound on my right temple.  I wrote an email or two to my friend Char:

 I did have my “little flower” removed and now it is just a bandage.  He was pleased to see it is “taking”, I will see him in 2 weeks to check it.  I didn’t actually see it until this morning after I washed my hair and took off the bandage.  Ye God’s and Little Fishes!!!!!  He said it looked like a divot, but it looks more like a crater.  He said it would flatten out in time – maybe I will be more used to it soon.  However, I am glad it is healing well.  It feels so good to have clean hair at least – it has been over 10 days since I washed it last.

Oh, yes, it can be rather startling when they remove the bandage and you see the surgical site for the first time!!  Doesn’t matter what the surgery is!  Just be very thankful they got the entire melanoma removed, and focus on that, and healing.  At least you won’t require chemo, and should be able to get back to your normal life pretty soon!

 Each time I change the bandage on my temple, I am—– I don’t know what the word is that describes how I feel.  Appalled at the huge crater, upset with myself for letting it go so long, not paying attention to consequences and having trouble really facing how it looks.  I don’t know when I will feel ready to leave the bandage off, it has to look better at some point.  It is not as though I can cover it with clothes or my hair – no, it’s right there for all the world to see.  It definitely will take some getting used to, that’s for sure.  Enough of that!

Okay, now, I may shock you with this next, but I think I need to tell you:  You need to stop beating yourself up about letting that spot go for so long!!  You  definitely have had Other Things on your mind over the last 2-3 years–first with your mom, and the house and all that, and then your recovery from your accident.  So, cover it with a bandage for a while, if that makes you feel better, but eventually you will get used to how it looks, and it won’t be such a shock any more.  Has Eddie seen it yet?  That might be the first step, if he hasn’t–let him see it.   Then, some day, when you are feeling a little more comfortable with how it looks, you might show it, privately, to one of your friends.  Perhaps you could try going without the bandage some day when you are going to be home all day, with maybe just a little walk to the mailbox, or maybe just leave the bandage off overnight, which might help you get used to getting up and seeing it in the mirror without “unveiling” (which can be kind of dramatic sometimes).

I will admit it needed saying because I have been upset about the changes.  But I also know deep down how right Char is and I may have needed the kick in the tush to snap me out of feeling sorry for myself and beating myself up.  I know it is important to accept and come to terms with it – I’m still working on that.  My attitude needs to change to  “This is what it is now and it’s time to quit the “oh-poor-me-osis”, pull up my socks and get on with my life”.  I also wonder if I need some time to grieve the changes in my face – after all, I can just cover it up with clothes; it’s right out there where everyone can see.  I don’t see myself going all Veronica Lake either.

I am pleased to say I actually had a good week, feeling quite well and had some energy to do things.  I decided I would just rest and do whatever I wanted – my calendar isn’t crowded and that is what I need most.  I have decided to do the same this week – making sure I get some walking in and rest as well.  I am sleeping well and the combination of exercise and rest will help a lot.  I have also been working on seeing things in a positive way and it is starting to work.  It’s been a lifelong view and will be easier as I continue to think more positively.

I went to Wound Care on Friday – I now have my leg back.  To help with avoiding scraping my left leg with my compression socks, they put a regular knee-high on before putting on the compression.  So far so good.  I am also now able to take a proper shower again – what a delightful way to start the day.  It has been so long since I had one, I wondered if I would be able to ever do it again.  Such blissful joy!!!!

We’ve had some warm days lately and today they predict 90 – not sure about that, but Eddie didn’t have any volunteering today, so we went early to Renton to walk along the Cedar River,  He goes toward the flight line to see what 737s are there – he recognizes them with no trouble.  I went the other way and did a circle with some incline to make it more work.  Yup, it was and I was tired when I went toward the picnic tables in the shade.  One of these days I will be able to do it without getting out of breath – I am working on building my stamina slowly.  We’re glad to be home and have the doors open, though not the nice breeze we had yesterday.  It is quite pleasant and we may bring up the fan later.

Some very sad news this morning, Sonia – our nice in Toronto called early to tell Eddie her Dad died.  Eddie’s sister Tako just came out of surgery on Monday and now suddenly her husband is gone.  He has been ill for quite a while, though he seemed to be doing well when Eddie talked to him last Saturday.  Sonia and Raouf are going to Jerusalem today or tomorrow, the funeral is on Tuesday.  Eddie isn’t able to get away and is sorry he won’t be there.

I didn’t plan to end this on a sad note.

This entry was posted on June 5, 2016 at 2:05 pm and is filed under Musings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.