The cool part of writing a blog is the freedom to write about what I want, how I feel, how I see things, etc. without having to fit any mold. This is all about me, my life and what I am learning – a way to help others and for me to learn from them as well. It isn’t like school or business where it has to be a certain way, meet any particular standard or fit any mold – I thoroughly enjoy the freedom from all those restrictions. I can write about RA and my experience with it, what I have learned, what I still have to learn, all with the hope it will help me clarify things for myself and help others along the way. After a recent post, I suddenly began to doubt myself, wondering if it was something anyone wanted to read. I wondered if what I was writing was “right or good enough”, would it turn away the people who have been reading my posts. I had to stop and catch myself and realize those doubts came from ego. Then I told ego “Thanks for your concern and wanting to protect me, I choose something different”. If I sit and scrutinize everything I write, worrying what people might think about it, I might as well pack it in and be done with it. I finally understand I am speaking my truth at last.
Most blog entries have a specific subject and I start in and it writes itself to the end. Other time it is like this one, I get an idea and write a paragraph or two and then wonder where does it goes, what do I write about now. Some things I write about may seem rather airy fairy, touchy feely, woo woo, goofball stuff – everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I find it helps make sense of what I am feeling, thinking and experiencing. I have never really felt I fit in the regular world, not sure where I fit in, if I did. With the personal development I have been doing, networking for business with people in alternative medicine and finding myself much more open and non-judgmental, I have found a place where I am comfortable, where I belong. I may not know specifically what I want to do or how my life will look, but I know how I want it to feel.
I look at my life now and how it was a year ago – such vast difference! At this point, the focus is on my Mom and doing what’s best for her, there isn’t a whole lot of “Me time”. Here and there I have been able to do things for me, the deep tissue massage has truly been a revelation to me. I have always wondered about past lives and if it was true, plus what were mine like. Several times in massage Debye has had glimpses of me as a Roman warrior. That I was strong, powerful, confident and also imposed my will on others. This lifetime (maybe several others) is the time to balance that karmic energy and experience. It is not good or bad, simply an experience I chose. I see my life this time and it seems I have had people impose their will on me; wonder how it felt to be that strong confident that Roman Warrior. It is such a new concept for me, I am just sitting with it and letting it simmer on the back burner.
I have been putting tags on my posts – I just learned how to do it. As I read over them, I am amazed I wrote them – I have been writing down what is happening in my life and how I have been thinking about things. It makes me feel good to know I am writing so well (sorry ego, I have confidence in myself rather than thinking it is bragging or boasting). I have learned from writing down what’s happening, I hope in some way it can help others.