I was brought up to be a good girl – follow the rules, be polite and let others go first, ask for permission to do something, be self-effacing because being confident and saying positive things about myself was boasting and bragging. There is a big long list, you get the drift. I am not saying this was all bad, just that some parts I have carried over my whole life without realizing they aren’t necessarily to my advantage any more. The three of us girls had rules and they were always reinforced when necessary. As a kid, that was good thing because we tested the limits to make sure they still held – it gave us security and stability. As an adult, I hear Dr. Phil in my head – “How’s that working for you?”. I look back at my life over 60+ years and I realized I have spent my life asking for permission to do things, to be sure what I want to do it “all right”. That one hasn’t been working so well for as an adult because I realize I haven’t had confidence in myself or trusted my instincts. Asking for permission seemed to work for our parents for the two of older daughters – my younger sister would announce “I have done. . . . “. Where did that come from and how did I miss that one? Then again, spanking worked for the first two but not the third daughter, our parents had to find other ways with her.
So why didn’t I trust myself? It was all that micromanaging and second guessing from our Mom. She was doing it to protect us and would be horrified if she realized the results for our adult lives. I am not sure what in her upbringing and childhood gave her such a fearful outlook about the world – we were taught that the world is a scary place, so make sure to be safe and secure before venturing out. News Flash! That is not always possible! How does one take risks in life, explore the world and still be safe and secure? I’m still looking for the answer to that one. It meant that when I had that “I know that I know” about something, I still was hesitant to act – I had to clear it with someone to validate what I knew in my heart. I have been afraid I would “get it wrong”. It took me a long time to realize that was one way I gave away my power, now at 65 I am taking it back – it’s feels scary at times and I still doubt myself. I finally understand those seeds of doubt come from ego and she wants me scared and in the negative because then she is fully in control. I am learning to say “Thank you for sharing, I choose something different”. I know she is trying to protect me (us), I just don’t want to live in fear any more. I also know I can know something and still be talked into a different course that I know isn’t right for me – this listening and trusting my intuition is still new and I am working on going with my heart center even though it is scary and I am a little unsure.
I also know I want everyone to like me, then I know I am accepted. I haven’t felt that way in very many situations – Ike Pono was one place where I was loved, accepted and supported in a non-judgmental community. Boy, did that feel good – I felt so at home there. I learned so much there and also contributed to it as well; we were all learning, no one “had it made”. I was sorry when it ended, I want to find another community that has that same feeling of support and help where I can truly be myself. I will admit it was uncomfortable at times, but so worth it. As I have worked through things since then and especially with Debye and the deep tissue massage to unearth and resolve things bury way down since childhood, it can be uncomfortable too. The difference now is that I am not beating myself up any more for what I have thought about myself all these years; it is making sense at last and helping me to become the person I have truly been all this time. I not saying everyone needs to do it to resolve things, only that it has been one of the ways I have found that works for me. It is more a matter of being willing to look at those uncomfortable things in life and find ways to come to terms with them. I am only an expert about my own life.
I have realized all this insecurity has been a factor in having RA. Louise Hay writes in her book “You Can Heal Your Life” about the causes of different conditions. For RA she wrote: Deep criticism of authority. Feeling put upon. For arthritis it is: Feeling unloved, Criticism, resentment. Hmmmm. Sounds a little too close to home for comfort. Louise writes that when we love ourselves truly and completely, so many things disappear. I haven’t loved myself, I’ve always felt there was something wrong with me, something unacceptable, that I was unlovable. Still not sure exactly how that became my self view; what’s important is that I have begun to change that perception to one of love. I have done a lot of work, still more to do but I am so encouraged I am willing to deal with the uncomfortable stuff.