emotions | Gift of RA

Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

From Stress To Happy Dance To Stress – Part 1

May 21, 2013

Last week was a crazy time for me. I wrote yesterday about the week before – last week had its own ups and downs – who knows what this week will bring. Monday I check my Soul Card reading and found these 2 cards:

First Card is from Doreen Virtue’s Guidebook for Magical Mermaids and Dolphins:

Pay Attention

“Notice repetitious signs and your inner guidance, as this can yield valuable information. It’s not your imagination that Heaven is sending you signs and Divine guidance. Anytime you hear something three or more times, especially within a short amount of time period, it’s information worthy of your attention.”

Soul Guidance:

What is the Universe saying to you? Look for the common thread.

Don’t ignore your Soul’s guidance because she may do some “crazy” things if you don’t listen.

Second Card is from Sonia Choquette’s Oracle Cards Guidebook:

Epiphany/Higher Self: Inspiration, Breakthrough, Revelation, and Divine Guidance.

“The flow of communication between you and your Higher Self is strengthening daily, allowing you to directly access your Spirit Guides, Angels, and Spirit Teachers more readily. As you contact with your Higher Self deepens, answers will suddenly plop into your consciousness, like gifts from above.”

Soul Guidance:

Your Higher Self is the megaphone of your Soul.

It’s so interesting to see that both cards speak about the same thing. Pay attention to what the Universe and your Higher Self are trying to say to you.

Is it time to take action upon a long procrastinated idea, or is it time to commit to your unique purpose?

Or are you guided to take a leap in moving forward?

I have been noticing my higher self coming through more – I am not listening to ego quite as much and when she comes out, I thank her and tell her I choose something else. I feel there is something coming, not sure exactly what but it feels like something wonderful. I am rather impatient to find out what it is, the time for it is coming soon. I am amazed at how the cards reflect what is happening in my life.

Always a good start to the week. I had my appointment with Dr. Cheryl for my adjustment – she has really helped my shoulder and neck so much. I was having some problem with my neck and she made such a difference, I could feel as if there were knots and she did a great job. It is amazing how she can give a wonderful back and neck rub while adjusting and aligning.

I had the rest of the day to myself, so I came home and had some lunch before having a lie down. I find myself yawning and tired when I am finished with the adjustment. I wanted to write a post since I hadn’t for a bit, but the nap turned out to be the best thing for me at that moment.

Tuesday turned out to be MY day – the one I missed the week before because of the computer. I slept for as long as I wanted, had a long hot shower – except it now isn’t quite as hot. This has been frustrating because it comes and goes, so I know something isn’t right. Eddie doesn’t seem to notice but I certainly do. There are times when I wondered if I was going nuts. Anyway, I just decided to do or not do whatever I felt like doing – nothing HAD to be done, just whatever came up for me. How lovely the day was for me.

Wednesday was Breakfast Club and I talked to John the plumber about the hot water – he was at home Tuesday and if I had called, he would have come. So we arranged for Friday morning. Then I had to leave because I needed to be at Mom’s before 9:45. She had an appointment to have a mammogram, as far as I know, the first one she has had. When we enrolled her in the ElderPlace program, they did a physical. There was a lump and they have been keeping an eye on it the past few months. It had gotten bigger so they decided to do the mammogram.

I will admit to feeling very stressed about it, how she would do, how cooperative, etc. Then I decided I was looking at it in the negative, so I asked the Universe to create the solution with all the words, attitudes, actions, etc. and I would just show up and get out of the way. I will admit I was somewhat tense when I went, especially because she wasn’t sure what it was all about. The Tri-Med cabulance came and she ended up going to sleep on the way downtown. I decided to do the cabulance was to be there for Mom all the way as well as be a calming influence for her rather than just meet her at the office.

I met her at her house and Tri-Med took us in to Swedish Breast Center on 1st hill; she slept almost all the way in. They took us up to the office and while Mom waited, I went through a dog and pony show – I thought Providence would have everything set up, but the Center had their own balderdash.

All of the techs were really great, very helpful and friendly, very gentle with Mom. She wasn’t all that pleased about any of it, especially when it came to being the filling in a the sandwich. They had trouble with the side shots – by then she had had enough. So we went to another room so they could do an ultrasound. They told me they didn’t think it was benign, so they wanted her back for a biopsy. The appointment was made for Friday afternoon. Tri-Med came back and she slept most of the way back to her house.

I was glad to get back in time for Eddie and me to go to our appointment at Apple. I fixed up my computer for the box in the morning and Eddie was going to put it together for me. He needed to learn to use it and I needed help with mine as well. We ended up changing techs in mid stream so we both learned a lot.

Tags:adult family home, Apple, card reading, Doreen Virtue, Eddie, emotions, Higher Self, Mother, show up and get out of the way
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

Good Days, Not So Good Days

April 13, 2013

I haven’t been writing lately, seems as if things have gotten in my way – or let them get in the way. I just put up a new post that I have been working on since the last one I wrote about it. Could be a matter of Life happening while I am planning.

I have noticed in the last 2 or 3 weeks that Mom has been having more not so good days – or is that simply my connotation of it. Last week I went to see her and brought two long sleeve tees for her and another pair of slippers. When I had seen her the Friday before, she had lost one of the ties and was having trouble keeping that slipper on. So I was going to bring the reds – both pair my sister Ellen had given her for different Christmas presents. When I arrived, she was asleep, so I checked with Judy to see what was happening. She said Mom hadn’t been sleeping very well at night – still haven’t quite figured out what is going on or what to do – so Mom sleeps during the day a lot. I didn’t want to disturb her rest so I didn’t go in. Judy told me Mom had taken the slipper without the tie and torn it so it couldn’t be worn again, then put it in her pillow case.

So I left the things and said I would be back Friday. When I came back, Mom wasn’t there – she was at the Center for a UT test that Didi had ordered. I decided to call on Saturday before I came – good things because Mom was resting. I called on Sunday morning because Eddie had gone to the Museum Flight to do his docent stint and it turned out to be a good time for Mom. So I went and had a lovely time with her; we laughed, remembered things and it was really good. She seemed in good spirits and I was glad. We talked about her walker, that she hated it. When I asked her why, she said it was ugly. So I suggested I would get some red ribbon and see if I could make it less ugly. I told her I had to learn to use one in rehab and I didn’t like it, but I knew I had to so I could get better. not sure what registered with her.

Tuesday I called before I left o see how she was doing; she had slept late and was eating breakfast. Delores next door wanted visit so I took her over to see Mom. She was sitting in the dining room and didn’t say a whole lot. She had that old woman look – I am going to have to come to terms with that – and a somewhat defeated look. Delores and I did a lot of the talking, Mom didn’t seem interested in saying much except a few responses to things. She was cold so we got her the pink shawl and that helped a lot. But she seemed to tire quickly, so we thought we should leave.

I asked the caregiver if she would help Mom get up and use the walker so she could rest a bit. The older lady came and Mom took one look at her and told her she didn’t want her near her, to go away, the woman had hurt her and scratched her. I am not sure how much is true, but I asked the younger woman to watch to see what happens. I said I thought possibly someone who had helped her up and been too firm on Mom’s hands and had inadvertently caused the bruises.

I am going this afternoon and bringing the sugar-free cookies that I forgot to take on Tuesday. Friday Jan gave me money to buy them since there are three who are diabetic and sugar isn’t good for the other three. I was so embarrassed I had forgotten to take them Tuesday – I am upset when I don’t do what I promised – and they were disappointed. So I have two sets – oatmeal and chocolate chip – and I will give Jan her money back because it was my bad. I will update this post when I come home this afternoon.

Later that night:

Actually the visit went well, one of the good days. I suspect the cookies helped as well. They were all happy with cookies as well. I tried to give Jan her money back but she wouldn’t take it – I told her it was my bad for not keeping my promise so the cookies are on me. I found Mom in her room sitting on her bed hugging two of her bears. The big one now named Marigold after her dad’s middle name. Now she has another smaller bear, so I asked if it was a girl so we could think of a girl’s name. I happen to look up at the butterfly hooked rug and suggested calling her Butterfly, but that didn’t go over at all. So I suggest a flower name, by then I wasn’t sure she was interested.

I talked to Didi and found out Mom has been very contrary for a while, not wanting anyone to help her bathe, put on clean clothes, etc. Apparently she also will pull her hands away in mid lift, so far she has been close to something to sit back on. Even at the Center she won’t let them near her to check to make she everything is all right. I asked Didi if it would help if I was at the Center when they want to check her to see if she would be more willing. We’ll see what happens. Didi said that farther on she will be at peace with the situation but right now she fights them at every turn. I have no idea what goes on in her head, I can’t imagine how confusing and scary it is for her.

I wrote this after I came home from seeing Mom, I wanted sleep on it before I published it.

Tags:agitation, contrary, Cookie, dementia, difficult days, Ellen, emotions, Family, good days, Home, Mom, ornery
Posted in Emotions | 4 Comments »

Back To Waiting

October 7, 2012

After finally making a decision about Mom, I was back in waiting mode again. The group at Providence had to do its business office drill and I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be. I will be frank, the thought of having to do it a third time was not something I wanted to contemplate, much less do again. But I put it God’s hands and asked that everything would done in a way that works. I have been very neutral this week, not that excitement and relief I had the last time. Maybe it is self preservation because it was such a let down with the other house fell apart.

Monday after I saw Didi the second time, I emailed the social worker to report on the three houses I had seen and also my visit to Didi. She wrote back ”Our agency will complete the screening process and I’ll let you know as soon as I know if everything has cleared.” I wasn’t sure what to make of that. I thought it was settled – Didi had said the papers were ready, they were waiting for me to decide. So I spent the week wondering – I did email the social worker to say I was a bit confused. She wrote back that they are doing their best to take care of it and Mom – the process is slow. Hmmm, sounds par for the course when officialdom is involved. I had thought we could move Mom on Thursday – though I wasn’t holding my breath. Good thing because it wasn’t moving day after all.

One thing that kept my mind off the situation was the three days John spent with his crew to cut back the rest of the jungle. By George, we have a right side to our garage now. I had forgotten how wide the north side of the house and garage is – it has been so overgrown no one can go through it. John unearthed more tires and couple of car parts – had no idea they were there. He also gave us the view back, gave the fruit trees a haircut and also the blueberries. He kept his crew working, just as hard as he works himself. There are other things that need doing but this is what made a huge difference. I didn’t want to have everything done because I didn’t want to freak out Mom – I think this is more than enough at the moment.

Since Thursday wasn’t moving day, I went and had my massage, oh did that feel good! I have been clearing out so much negativity and programs – still more to go. What’s cool is that even though it is deep tissue massage, it doesn’t hurt as much as it did in the beginning. I actually fell asleep a couple of weeks ago. Debye is amazed at how different my body is from when we started, she sees it changing and healing as she is working. She also said she admires me for doing the work, most people at 65 have decided their life is done and not interested in doing the work. She says I am very determined to get to the truth – all I know is that I want to “know that I know” who I truly am and love, accept, approve and trust myself.

Friday I went to see my regular doc and he was pleased with ow I am doing; plus he was asking about Mom. I told him what the situation was and he is fine with that. I also had my haircut – not much left of it but so much easier to wash, comb and go. I wonder sometimes if it makes make cheeks look chubbier, yet I have been given many compliments on it. I will keep it and see what happens.

I also played telephone tag with the social worker Friday, she just asked me to call, no info otherwise. I figured it could go either way, so I kept the neutral feeling. We finally talked and the house has been approved, now she just wants to know when the moving day is. I need to call Kathy – she is on holiday and I don’t really like disturbing her. I want her to help with the move because Mom likes and trusts her and she also has a lot of experience. I suspect Mom may be very angry at me – if she needs a target, okay, I am it. I am going to ask at Breakfast Club for a driver and pickup so I can take two of her chairs to the new house – she will have familiar things around her.

I still don’t have that excited feeling, very little emotion on it – wonder if that will change when the move is made? I will say, I got a really good night’s sleep Friday night. Last night was okay but some time I was awake in the middle of the night. I am not making any plans for the days after Thursday, I want to be sure it is actually happening and she is settled in. That may take a month or more, in case she needs to come back, things are still the same.

Tags:adult family home, emotions, Mom, social worker, waiting
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

Moving Day That Wasn’t

September 12, 2012

When I went to Breakfast Club this morning, it was Moving Day for Mom to her adult family home. I had spent yesterday creating lists of what she will take and getting some things ready. Kathy came over this morning to help me choose her clothes and I got to use my permanent marking pen to put Mom’s name on the labels of her clothes. Kathy did laundry so everything was clean and ready to go. She came by yesterday afternoon to have Mom pack a suitcase so she would feel she had a part in the process. At the time Kathy left, she had some questions that I needed to ask Jas today.

I called Jas and asked the questions and she answered them for me. Then she told me a situation had come up about one of the requirements from Providence. She was checking on it and would let me know. I called Denise, the social worker, to see what she knew and what was happening. I must admit, it really upset me that there was a glitch that looked as if moving wasn’t going to happen – I might even have to start from square one again. I felt like crying and Kathy said to just let it out – so I did. There is still some left but I think I got a lot of it out then. There is disappointment, let down, upset, frustration and I am not sure what the emotion is about not having my life back after all. I will admit to counting down the days and thinking last night it was the last night Mom would sleep here.

Kathy suggested we go out for lunch because I needed to get out of the house. As we were leaving, Jas called and said she was going to take care of the requirement fully. I said that was great, that we could do the move next Tuesday or Wednesday when everything was verified by the social worker. That way it isn’t a hurried situation.

I was thinking this morning that it was in God’s hands, whatever works. It was a little hard to remember that when the glitch surfaced. I got into a panic and thank goodness Kathy was there to calm me down and it is only a glitch. I did do a few “God help me!” while setting an intention of surrendering, allowing and being willing. The good part about it is that we have decided what to pack for her, so that is done. I have gotten most of the items labelled, though some present a challenge. So I will have to work out how to label those in the next week or so. The other thing is that if I had to go looking again, I have a much better idea of the kind of place I want for Mom.

Since all of this came to a head about noon time or later, it throws an spanner in the works for me. Sheila who assigns caregivers didn’t think she would be able to have one for tomorrow morning because it is short notice. She isn’t sure about Friday either and she will check to see if Aster can come Sunday and someone for Sunday. Also, Eddie is coming home from 3 days in Spokane, about the time Mom will come back from the Center. Two people need to be picked up and there is only one of me. So I will collect Mom from the Center tomorrow, come home and wait for Eddie to call and then the two of us will pick him up at the airport. He called late this afternoon and was very surprised when I told him the two of us would be there to pick him up.

If no one shows up tomorrow, I have to be here until the van comes, but I have some business for Mom I need to take care of before my massage. And I AM NOT going to cancel my massage, I have had to cancel too many things lately to take care of things for her. This is for me and I so need it!

It has been an emotional roller coaster all day, I am ready to sleep, I just hope I can and not oversleep tomorrow. I did this morning but was still on time for Breakfast Club. Mom has been asleep since at least 6 – not sure if she will be up wandering around later or not. Yes, this too will pass. There is a purpose, a gift and a lesson in all of this, right now I am too tired to look for it. It will all reveal itself at some point. The one thing Kathy said was that I dodged a bullet. Suppose I had moved her there and she had settled in, then had to take her out because a glitch happened. That would be so much harder for Mom, I am not sure if she would transition a second time. Strangely enough, Mom hasn’t asked about moving, she kept asking where her mother is – this is something new, asking about one or both parents. Too bad I don’t have a good answer for her.

Tags:emotions, glitches, God, Mother, moving
Posted in Emotions | Leave a Comment »

Waiting Isn’t Always Easy

September 6, 2012

This came from the Universe today – I could have used it earlier but no doubt this is just the right time. I have been apprehensive, concerned, scared and unsure in finding an adult family home for my Mom; this has really hit home for me.

Lee, when you move, I move. When you reach, I reach. And when you go the extra mile, I clear the way. But not a moment sooner.

Which is why before you move, reach, and go, things sometimes look so scary.

Just like that,

The Universe

Lee, “I do” if “you do.” Settled? I now pronounce us unstoppable.

I so appreciate the daily note from The Universe during the week – so often it is spot on to what I am thinking, doing or wondering about in my life. Certainly finding a place for my Mom has been one of those very uncomfortable situations; I am so grateful for The Universe already creating the solution (even though I wasn’t really sure) and all the people who have been helping me all along the way. I am so glad I don’t have to do it all by myself – I would be bouncing off the walls a rubber room by now. I have had help from Providence, Kathy has been a great help and Eddie as well. When it comes to Mom’s financial and business affairs, I have had a lot of help from my Networking Breakfast Club – Dave our elder law attorney, people who know about houses and property, others who have had to deal with the same kind of situation, caregivers, etc. I have such support from friends and family to help me take care of myself and have a more objective view of the situation – I am still on the emotional end of it, not as much but still there. Plus God, angels, spirit guides and master teaches to help and guide me.

Monday on Labor Day I called around and found one place with an opening. Eddie and I went down there and spent almost 2 hours with Jaswir. (She said I was the first one to pronounce it properly. She goes by Jas) This is a double wide manufactured home that has room for 6 people. The room Mom would share is what used to be the master suite, so it is larger and has a bigger closet, and a bath they both share. Her room mate is a woman with Dementia, though quite articulate and friendly. The other woman seem to be at about the same level of function as Mom and they interact with each other. They eat together and there is a covered back porch as well as a nice area in the front they like to sit – Jas said they love to be outside when it is sunny. I had a better feeling about this home and arranged for Kathy to come and see it with us yesterday. I was pleased that she liked what she saw and when she talked to Jas – she can see and notice things that I don’t know to ask. So today Jas is going to meet Mom at the Center and assess her level of function and the Providence records. She has worked with them before and knows Mom’s doctor, Kathy thinks that is a real plus. So I am hoping they can reach an agreement.

This is where I really have to let go and put it in God’s hands – this or something better. I am not anxious to go calling any more, but I willing to do it if it is necessary. Yesterday was attorney and mortgage day – we talked to Dave and Tom to see the options for the house and what will work for us. No decision but now we are checking to see if refinancing with a loan of our own and some extra to fix it up is in our budget. Brad came by and we explained what we are thinking of doing, he will now give us and estimate and see how that fits with a loan with a reasonable monthly payment.

I want the whole things settled right now, but it is a time of constant patience because so much of it depends on other people doing their job. It is hard to be patient, I’m doing my best. This has been a time of learning and growing – not always a comfortable process. I have been learning about myself as well as about Dementia; it seems to be more clear at times when I look back at what has just happened. I am realizing a lot of childhood programs and triggers, plus seeing how I have been influenced in my adult years with out realizing it. Now it seems as if I am growing stronger and more adult as Mom diminishes and is weaker. She has always been a very strong influence on my, maybe when she is gone I can finally be myself. That is what my friend Kathie Brodie found after her mom died. The other important things she learned what what her mom was teaching her – it was never clear and when she talked to another friend who talks to angels, she finally understood. It was her aunt who said she could now be herself.

It truly has been an uncomfortable time, that means I have been and am growing, stretching and learning. Truly out of my comfort zone. Several friends have told me that I will be glad I was here for my Mom. that I will have no regrets. I admit I regret I have not been as patient as I wanted to be, it has been hard to be with her as a friend – I am hoping when she is settled in her new home that we can have a more enjoyable relationship.

Tags:adult family home, dementia, emotions, Mother, The Universe
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

Boundaries Revisited

December 18, 2011

I realized the other day that I have been thinking of boundaries in terms of big, complicated things; I am beginning to see it is more about small increments that build into bigger boundaries. I was in a meeting the other day and a member of the group wanted yet another group photo to put on Facebook. My good friend said she didn’t want her picture taken that day – another day it might have been different. Yet he insisted every one be in the photo even though my friend made it clear she wasn’t interested. I didn’t particularly want mine taken but I found myself ending up doing it because it was too much trouble make an actual move to stand out of picture range. Meanwhile, my friend went up behind the guy with the camera and I realized – she had created a boundary and STUCK to it while I didn’t. Creating boundaries happens in small increments and situations than some big broad barbed wire and fence way. It has given me pause ever since to look at situations in my life differently.

I think I am beginning to create boundaries without quite knowing it. A while ago I was talking with someone about politics – a volatile subject any time – and he began telling me what I think and believe. That bugged me, so I told him “Don’t assume you know what I think or will do!”. Most of my life I usually just kept quiet and let someone think what they like. My response came because this is a person I see every day and I suddenly was tired of having him decide what I think and want. So often it doesn’t seem like a big deal and not worth the expended energy to “set someone straight”. But I am beginning to think that when I do it with the small things, it builds into the bigger things where my integrity is involved. It is important to let people know it is not okay to walk all over me because I have something to say about it. I just had a picture come to mind of drawing a line in the sand – this and no farther.

I realize now a lot of it comes from not feeling worthy, not good enough or eligible to have boundaries. Other people did and certainly let one know when you came too close to the edge. Somewhere along the line I began to think I had no right to boundaries – if I even knew at the time what they were – just one more thing I lacked. In Ike Pono I began to learn that I take on other people’s emotions and that makes me feel really lousy. The trouble is, I want to help and that was the only way I knew how to help. Now I am more aware and I care, but not so much. I am not going to take on other people’s emotions to the detriment of myself. It is not my job to make people happy, to solve their problems or take on their emotions – I can sympathize and care, just not so very much any more. Our neighbor couldn’t find her cat for 2 days and was so upset and worried. I realized I was concerned but I was not going to take it on, go look for the cat and all that. Fortunately the cat came home and all was happy again.

I was working with Debye in a massage session and we talked about this because I am in a situation where it is very emotional and I feel myself being sucked into the emotions and I don’t want it to happen. I saw a picture while we were working – the calm side is smooth, light brown sand in the sunlight but there is a line. Crossing that line means suddenly dropping off into deep turbulent waters with dark stormy clouds that suck me into misery, depression and heavy gloom. Not boarding that bus! I find I still on autopilot and get sucked in to the emotions without realizing it at the beginning, but now I am more aware of it and working on recognizing what is happening. For me that is a big revelation and step for me.

I realize it is part of my upbringing of being “a good girl”, follow the rules, don’t answer back and don’t put yourself forward or think well of yourself. I see also it is part of giving my power away all these years rather than standing up for myself, not allowing someone to tell me how I feel or what I want. I know I have a need to please, I want everyone to like me and be accepted – at the cost of myself, my well being and denying who I truly am. Since I didn’t see myself as good enough, I didn’t think I had the right to my power – heck, I didn’t even know I had any. Eleanor Roosevelt has some really good quotes about life and one I particularly like is “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” It’s one that is uncomfortable to hear because it is so true, yet makes me think and see things in a different way.

Tags:boundaries, emotions
Posted in Musings | 1 Comment »

	Lee Kaplanian on After The Last Two Weeks
	jadereyner on After The Last Two Weeks
	Lee Kaplanian on After The Last Two Weeks
	jadereyner on After The Last Two Weeks
	Lee Kaplanian on From Stress To Happy Dance To…

Gift of RA

Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

From Stress To Happy Dance To Stress – Part 1

Moving Day That Wasn’t

Waiting Isn’t Always Easy

Boundaries Revisited

Gift of RA on Facebook!

Categories

Recent Posts

Archives

Tags

Follow Blog via Email

Recent Comments

Blogs I Follow

Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Categories

Recent Posts

Archives

Tags

Follow Blog via Email

Recent Comments

Blogs I Follow