This is the post I have been working on since Feb 10th – In many ways it still feels as if it is still a work in progress. Isn’t that Life after all?
I ask the question because I have been reading Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” and many of the things I am looking at have stubborn as the cause. I don’t think of myself as stubborn – I check the dictionary and it says: Having or showing dogged determination not to change one’s attitude or position on something, esp. in spite of good arguments or reasons… Now is that really me? Let’s face it, I feel as if I have spent my whole life doing what others wanted, not always willingly or with good grace.
Am I really stubborn?
However, the more I have thought about it, the more I wonder if it has to do with seeing myself as a victim – of RA, other people, circumstances, etc. I have finally realized and understood that I have always felt I was an innocent victim sideswiped by RA for no reason – not quite accepted it or willing to admit it out loud much. I have felt helpless and powerless a lot of my life because I now realize I gave my power away. Who knew I had power? What a revelation! However, that victimhood belief has been in there for over 6 decades, going to take a while to dislodge and clear it out. If not now, when?
In looking at just one entry for knee problems, she writes it is “Stubborn ego and pride. Inability to bend. Fear. Inflexibility. Won’t give in.” I have been thinking I am not quite willing yet to actually give up being a victim – much too comfortable and familiar at this point. Then I have to ask myself “What would happen if I did let it go?”. That would be a radical attitude overhaul. Then what would I replace it with as a positive attitude? I have been in this same mentality for a long time, I am now on autopilot. It takes a conscious effort to say “Thanks for sharing ego, I choose something different”.
I am getting better at noticing when ego pops in with her 2 cents worth, I hadn’t recognized before or even understood what was happening. I have held on to all the hurts, anger and resentment of things people “did to me” – hugging them to myself as proof of what a victim I am and how mean people have been to me. As Dr. Phil asks: ”How’s that working for you?”. Not very well. I don’t like feeling like a victim any more, it is too much of a powerless feeling now. The curse of being a good girl, following the rules and doing what I’m told. It is hard to break out of that at the moment, it is getting better and I am more often I have to look this one up as well able to do and say what I want.
So holding on to victimhood, all the hurts, anger and resentments – is that where I am stubborn? Or not loving myself in spite of all the evidence to the contrary? Looking at things from the negative view rather than the positive? At this point I am not sure if there is one definitive answer or a series of different answers. I am certainly open to any ideas or opinions to help clarify it. I have probably gotten too close to it and overanalyzing again. Maybe if I go take my shower and get dressed, it will seem clearer to me.
It is now 10 days later and it isn’t very clear yet. I also got a message about being inflexible – another word from Louise Hay – I don’t quite see how I am inflexible. It feels as if most of my life I have had to put my life on hold, cancel things or postpone because I had to do something for someone else. Wouldn’t being inflexible mean I do my thing before I do anything for anyone else? I have to go look this one up as well:
Not willing to change ideas, beliefs or decisions - Something or someone who is inflexible cannot or will not change or be altered, even if the situation changes. Does not bend.
Inflexible? Don’t be ridiculous!
Hmm, I keep thinking that doesn’t sound like me – I feel as if I am easily persuaded and let people talk me into something. When I know that I know something but I allow someone to talk me into something, I kick myself for not listening to my higher self. There are many times when I don’t trust my higher self, that I still look to others for validation instead of from inside myself.
I suspect that both terms have more to do with my beliefs about myself than anything else. I was hoping that as I thought about this and wrote about it, I would have a better idea what is happening so I can clear any negative energy and understand better. I suspect I will have to put it back on the back burner again and check back in a while. I would be open to any ideas or explanations. I suspect I am still too close to it to be objective.