I did an Ike Pono weekend last week, another opportunity to see my programs in action. I am there usually most of the weekend, though I tell them when I run out of energy, I’m gone. They are really understanding because they know I give my best to them and the people in the class when I am there. This particular weekend I found myself very quiet at the beginning since it is all about the group rather than me. Part of it is that I feel I am back in my own first weekend learning the principles and doing the exercises. The last day I was more talkative and I realized at one point I was worried I was saying too much and maybe saying something wrong. PROGRAM! (I always think of the guys who hawked programs at events I went to – they all had that same gravelly, almost New York sound. I swear they went to school to be able to say it that particular way.) I realized that was part of my fear of being wrong. It also came from childhood when I was told “Not so loud” or said something opposite to what I wanted to say and got “that look”. I see now I have wanted from childhood to not say the wrong thing or something stupid. It also has to do with my perception I talk too much – yes, I know at times I can be a motormouth, I also know when I am nervous I tend to chatter. It’s all part of being the “good girl” who follows the rules even when they sometimes didn’t make sense.
Recently another program came up, one about how I see myself and how it feels inside. I am working on my resume to move into a new direction for my business and myself. As I remembered the things I have done in the last 40 some years, I was amazed at the long list. Then I had some testimonials from various sources and as I was typing them into the page, I realized there was one word that came up more often than any other – confidence. They all see it but why don’t I see it or feel it? After awhile, I thought about growing up with not thinking or talking well of myself because it would be bragging or boasting. Is it a huge leap to wonder if being confident and feeling that confidence is somehow in my mind part of boasting and and bragging? Is that fear of being wrong mixed in there as well? It feels as if I am putting a puzzle together and some pieces seem to fit but the loose ones still haven’t come together – I don’t have a picture as a reference to guide me. Some days I feel I am floundering around in the dark, other days some things are quite clear. The rest of the days I feel I am muddling through, with small “aha’s” every once in a while – makes me think I am on the right track. Oh, there’s that word again – right, the opposite or wrong. Or am I making too much of this one small thing.
I know that all of this is my perception of things – that if I don’t do something exactly the way someone else wants it, I’m wrong and not smart enough to do it right. Another program rears its head. I have to also look at what I have focused on all this time – guess what, it was on the negative and how I didn’t measure up. Where did I stop looking at all the positives in my life, in what I have been and done? Let’s face it, most often in an evaluation, it’s always the thinks one didn’t do well and what has to “be fixed”. What would happen if, instead of looking at the negative, the focus is on one’s strengths and abilities – then it doesn’t have to be “fixed”. This morning I had my left knee go “out on me again and I thought “What was so scary and unthinkable many years ago that having pain was much more acceptable?”. I know now I have a different outlook and view of myself than I did a while ago - how would that situation seem to me now? The knee is part of the side of my left leg that has been a big source of pain and limitation – when did it start and what was going on at the time? I am more ready to examine it now than I have ever been, though I will admit to a small part a little afraid it may be harder to face than I think. However, at this point, the thought of continuing with the pain and limitations is worse than the thought of what the core issue really is that started it all. That is something I have noticed over the years, at some point there is choice to make and the thought of status quo is worse than the alternative. I have often found pain is great incentive to make a change – but it has to be your decision, not being talked into it by someone who has decided what is right for you.
Something for me to ponder and think about, I know it isn’t quite clear yet, nor do I have the “I know that I know” with a picture in my mind. More pieces to fit into place before my puzzle is complete. I have several puzzles in progress, it will be some time before my work is done.