In some ways it seems a long time, other times it only happened a little while ago. A lot of things have happened since my Mom died last year on October 8th, 2014. I scattered Mom and Dad’s ashes on January 16th, 2015 into the Sound from a ferry – she wanted her ashes combined with Dad’s and I was able to do that for her. In June I did a Celebration of Life Open House for her and was pleased to see so many people there who knew Mom and Dad, plus special friends of ours. It was the last thing I did for her, except to remember her and all she gave me and my sisters as our Mom.
I know she was definitely ready to go on the next journey, she missed Dad and Josephine the cat so much. I had talked to people who communicate with spirits and they told me Dad and Josephine were waiting for her, there would be a big party to welcome her. The animal communicator told me Josephine loved them both – she was definitely their cat. She also said Josephine was waiting for Mom so she can sit in her lap – how true that was in life. Some would say it is just woo woo, hocus pocus, goofball, airy fairy nonsense; I don’t agree.
An intuitive told me that Mom kept us at arm’s length because she thought that was how she was supposed to do it – in some things, that explained a lot for me. I was upset about seeing her descend slowly into dementia, it was difficult to deal with her and it hurt to lose my Mom and wonder who this woman was who took her place. I finally realized Mom was teaching me and giving me gifts in the process – it has taken awhile because I was in the middle of all of it.
I took a 6 week grief support class and that helped, I find myself getting teary eyed as I write this – I am not sure where I am in my grief or what works for me. I know there were many times I wanted to run away and not have to deal with all the changes and what was happening to her. But there wasn’t anyone else to help, just Eddie and I. People told me I would regret not being there for her and I now realize they were right. There were times when I didn’t want to visit her twice a week, but I didn’t want her to ever think she had been abandoned, so I went. I mostly read to her towards the end; mostly I put her to sleep. I brought chocolate each time until she was at a point she couldn’t eat it.
Eddie and I cleaned the house – still a lot of things left – and made sure the furniture went to good homes. We painted the living room and then brought up our furniture to make it finally our home. We still have a lot of work to do, but the living room and kitchen makeovers have made an amazing difference. I wanted it to be done for the Celebration of Life and it was. Then as I was resting from all of that and getting ready to continue cleaning out, I was rear ended, my car was totaled and my arm was broken in 2 places. The surgeon has said the humerus is healed after 8 weeks, just be careful and do the exercises he gave me. I need to be able to drive to have the focused physical therapy to help get me back to as close to normal as possible.
The past 5 years have really helped me grow and mature – I have the confidence I can handle whatever situation comes up, I have a support team and people I can count on for help and information. I thought I had to do it all myself, it scared me because I had no idea what to do in any given situation. I’ve felt like a scared little kid for most of my life, it made me feel powerless and helpless. Now I know I am an adult and I know I can handle it, and/or ask for help.