At times I feel as if I have several plates spinning on sticks – similar to the people Ed Sullivan used to have on his program. Some days I feel like this:
Everything is nicely balanced and I am in as much control as I can be. Then there are days like today and the past week, I haven’t felt much control and there doesn’t seem to be enough time to keep them all spinning properly:
I could give a name to each plate – cleaning out Mom & Dad’s stuff, my new website for my business, a new website for my radio show, understanding how the sponsoring works and finding sponsors, doing Eddie’s new report (he isn’t doing the Round Up but calling it The Kaplanian Report, not associated with the Future of Flight), things for Mom, personal business stuff, Apple Group Training and also One to One,my blog, my book, Kaplanian International stuff, etc.
This week I have been doing a lot of clearing out bureau drawers – the stuff my parents kept! All kinds of cards they received and Mom had so many cards ready to send for almost any occasion, I am going to give them to the Goodwill so other people can use them. I have bags of papers to put in recycle – our wheelie bin is full to the top and I have 2 other bags ready – plus things I have put away in boxes to see if my sister Candy wants them. I found 2 photographs from North American Aircraft in an original envelope that is going to the Boeing Archives, lovely to know they will be pleased to have them.
My parents kept things even though they were worn out, some things had never been used and there is a beautiful grey wool yard length – very fragrant with moth balls. And letters from people, from Mom & Dad to his parents, letters from both his sisters and letters from his Uncle James to Dad’s father. I had a hard time reading the hand writing, I am putting them away to read later since I need to work on the clearing out.
Along with that, I was having a lot of discomfort – the toilet and I became close companions on thursday, Friday and even into Saturday, though not as much. The tummy was unhappy and I was really tired. Yesterday after we did all our stuff, I came home and crawled into bed with Bunny to sleep some of it off – and I was better when I woke up. Not sure what happened because I didn’t eat anything different. I have been very careful how much I eat, the tummy gets uncomfortable. I have been using water and baking soda which seems to help. maybe the side effects of veggies.
We finally had rain this week, blessed soaking rain. I have been feeling very dry and parched and it was so lovely to hear the raining really coming down as I was lying in bed. Rain is so refreshing and makes things feel washed clean. Now it will be 81 today and 83 tomorrow, then back to the 70’s – that’s quite okay with me.
I have been playing phone tag to arrange a haircut for Mom, finally made it for Tuesday. Her hair is getting long and needs cutting – not sure how she will be when the time comes. She is very feisty when anyone wants to do anything for her – I make sure I am there for the hair cut and sit beside her. There is no way to tell how she will be from one minute to the next, one day to the next. I saw her on Friday and she was rather sleepy, though chocolate sounded very good to her. She was cuddling a stuffed dog or cat and Judy had put a chair on each side of her, she could easy fall to the side. She seems to mumble more than before. I don’t know how much she knows that Fern died last week. Fern was 102 and having a lot of pain in her body, as well as feeling alone since she was used to family all around.
I’ve been wondering if visiting Mom and clearing out things has had an emotional and mental effect as well as physical. It maybe stirring up a lot of old programs, messages and memories that I had not been conscious of for quite awhile. The bottom drawer of the desk is definitely a proud parent’s drawer; all the drawings and things the three of us girls have done since we were very young are there.
I saw Mom on Monday and then went to my Caregiver’s Support Group. I’m so glad I did, it helps so much. I told them what was going on with Mom and that I feel as if I am walking in thigh deep water. It feels more than just fatigue, but there is more to it – I can’t really name it at the moment. I also realize each time I go that I have it relatively easy compared to the others. They have to deal with so much more, how they cope I can only imagine. I will admit, I have periods of feeling I have such a difficult time – usually when I am tired and worn down. I haven’t figured out how to actually become rested while still doing what I need to do. Is that what’s called the horns of a dilemma?