DSHS Rears It’s Head Again!

November 16, 2014

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Mom on her 90th birthday.

Just when I thought all was pretty much taken care of with Mom’s stuff; a letter from DSHS arrives in last Saturday’s mail.  they sent a form about asset recovery for Mom’s medicaid.  It is a simple form, but I always feel it is a more of a minefield.  I made a copy of it to play around with before doing the official one.  I took it over to Dave Gagley to check for me – I don’t want to answer questions they didn’t ask.  We spent some time figuring out what I need, what else I need to do, etc. because they are going to want the money in her checking account.  I don’t begrudge them the money because they did so much for Mom, I want to be sure my ducks are in a row and everything is properly done.

He is going to file Mom’s will for safekeeping, not for probate.  So I had a list of things to bring him to put this together.  He also suggested going to see our new accountant about final tax return and what is needed.  I made an appointment with AD  and his opinion was that it wasn’t necessary to file because she had minimum income.  I went back to see Dave on Friday to give him the stuff, plus to call AD to explain what he needed, I wasn’t too clear because I don’t quite understand it or the ramifications.

So he and AD talked and settled it between themselves – a bonus for Dave is that AD is looking for an elderly attorney as a referral for his clients.  It’s possible Dave will refer clients who need a tax accountant to AD.  Works all around.  It was such a relief to have their help with this, it has been a source of tension and stress for me all week.  Dave is going to write a letter to DSHS to let them know there are still some bills – his and AD’s still outstanding, so the account isn’t ready to close yet.

I am hoping this is the last piece to the whole puzzle and it can be put to rest.  It has seemed as if there is a spanner in the works cropping up and making me feel stressed; how glad I am to have had Dave to consult and help me with each one as it appears.  I get antsy and  uptight when it comes to government, they can make life very difficult without even trying.

Tomorrow is my radio show, thank goodness the website is up and running and I think I have email.  Last Monday Vickie Bergquist was my show, it was fun because she came to the studio with me for a face to face show.  She was nervous, later said she had fun and I put her at ease.  Not sure what I did, but I am sure Benny helped to calm her nerves too.  This week it is just me.

I have had a lot of good comments from friends on how well it sounds and how polished.  Maybe it is time to take off the training wheels.  I am more comfortable with it, though not quite sure it is real.  It’s not a feeling I can put into words, maybe more of an unreal quality because I never thought I would be doing this.  I had some advice from a marketing friend, since I don’t have a sponsor yet, he suggested using my promotional marketing business as my sponsor.  So we’ll see how that works tomorrow.

It is somewhat odd to find I have trouble remembering what I did during the past week.  I know I was busy and not able to take naps in the afternoons.  I need to check my calendar.   I have been sleeping pretty well at night, sometimes it’s hard to wake up early even though I had gone to bed around 9.  I feel I have a bit more energy at times, some days more than others.

Even tough we have had sun most of the week, it hasn’t been all that comfortable to be outside in the wind – it’s really cold to me.  I know we aren’t having Arctic Chill temperatures, but these are cold enough for me.  Yes, I am a bit of a wimp when it comes to extreme temperatures either way.  We have been having low 40′s during the day and some below freezing nights.  I know other places are colder, snowier and more miserable, this is where I live and it’s more than enough for me.  I have served my time in the  eastern part of the U.S., that’s why I appreciate living here.

Cold is not always kind to joints, at times I feel as if I am slowly being mummified, my legs are as flexible and the other limbs aren’t quite so able to move that well.  The bandages feel as if they are tightening around my middle so I have more trouble bending – or is this all my imagination?  My left side rib is still sore from the tumble, I am curious to know why it seems to travel to different sections and ribs on that side.  Not sure what’s happening but have decided to see it as interesting rather than get my knickers in a twist about it.  The combination of RA and my body have kept me wondering what is happening for over 40 years.

How about that; I have written 900 words not saying much about anything.

What Day Is This?

November 9, 2014

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Bunny doesn’t have anything to do with the subject, she is comforting and we have been spending a lot of time together lately.

Lately, I have been feeling very mixed up, the days don’t feel the same any more.  Yesterday I was home all day while Eddie was working – but it was Saturday.  Felt odd.  Today is his usual Sunday at the LeMay Car Museum, that’s feeling a little more normal.  Then again, what’s normal?  I had a rocky start to last week, the result of a small tumble that I was able to get myself upright again without outside help.  Then I had an intuitive reading and that brought more after effects, so I was feeling  out of sync on several levels.  Then Eddie took Tuesday off and had a meeting; not a typical Tuesday so I lost track of my day.  That part is on me.  As the week progressed I felt better and had a really good day Thursday.  Unfortunately, I could not go to sleep that night, so Friday I was dragging.

I slept very well Friday night and pretty well last night – wish I knew what causes me to not be able to sleep.  It has gotten so I don’t quite know what day it feels and what the actual day is.  I haven’t been looking at my calendar much, that may contribute to the situation.  Maybe it is just a matter of finding my footing again, things have been in rather an upheaval since Mom’s passing.

I also have a tendency to overanalyze things instead of “going with flow” and letting things be what they are at that moment.  Plus, I need to give myself a break and not think in terms of what I am “supposed” to do or “should” do.  It is an old set of patterns that I choose to replace with knowing I am simply in this moment and all is well.  I am now old enough to do and say what I want because I am less and less concerned about other people’s opinions.  It doesn’t mean I’m rude, simply that if I disagree, I will say so.

I thought I had finally published my new website for my radio show findingthegiftsshow.com on Monday, only to find it wasn’t online after all.  So I have been in website hell for several days trying to figure out  why it isn’t online, why I can’t arrange an email and if I can upload shows for an archive.  I also figured out that to listen live to my show, I have to  put it this way 1150kknw.com/listen.  I am still frustrated about my archives, can’t seem to download the shows to my computer – another trip to Apple to find the answer.  Maybe by then, Larry will have figured out how to make a podcast for iTunes.  This is definitely a learning experience!

Thursday I did Chat with the website group to see what the problem was.  It turns out I have Builder but not the right combination of things to make it work properly.  There was a very nice young man named Jonathan who helped me so much, was very patient and got my site up and online.  then he sent me info on creating an email and also how to upload audio.  I created the email but my computer says it has no app for the download of the audio – now I have to figure out where it needs to go on my computer.  Another learning experience.

You have no idea how happy I was to see that website working!  I created it myself, I know it still needs a lot of work, the point was have something for people to check out and see who I am and what I do.  I still have a list of things I need to add, the main part was to have it up and running.   I felt I was in website hell for quite a while, once I can have proper archives, I will feel a whole lot better.

The week was physically uncomfortable, the end of the week was mentally uncomfortable.  That’s not to say I didn’t have comfortable and happy moments, I mostly remember the uncomfortable ones.  Now there is a program for you – I’ve spent so much of my life looking at the negative side, I forget how many gifts there were in the week.  Not always big, momentous ones, often small, delightful ones.  As I look at this post, I realize I mostly wrote about things that were uncomfortable this week – either it was just the telling of a story or a way of releasing a lot of the stress of the week.

Now it is time to start looking at the gifts in the week, does anyone want to read about my difficulties, even if I put humor in it?  The old patterns are hard to recognize and to replace with positives, it means I need to notice and observe to see them.

Election Day

November 4, 2014

The “Silly Season” is almost over!  There is something about campaigns, elections and the media that brings out so much balderdash that some of us are fed up to the teeth hearing so many pontificate and speculate.  Enough already!  It’s on television, in my mailbox, on Facebook, the radio, the telephone and anywhere else anyone can think of to put it.  No wonder we have voter fatigue.  If I hear any more analysis of each race and every tiny detail, I will go round the bed.

The worst part is that not many voters actually vote – those are the ones who whinge and complain the most.  Not only that, the same people keep running and getting elected – how many races have only one person running?  It is negative slants, lies, accusations and rumors instead of issues and what truly needs to be done.  It often seems politicians only notice us voters when election time, the rest of the year they are feathering their own nests rather than working for their constituents.

I vote every time, but  not enough other people do to really make a difference; wouldn’t be nice if we had people running who knew what they are doing.  Too many good people don’t want to be put under the microscope by the press and have their whole lives examined.  Why not put those same news people under the scrutiny that give to candidates?

There doesn’t seem to be much choice of parties or candidates – either very conservative or very liberal.  Why not a moderate party – otherwise some of us don’t have much choice.  Why oh why have the voters been split into segments – black voters, Latino or Hispanic, women, seniors – there are so many segments it is hard to  see us as all American voters.  We are all Americans, with no hyphens.

It is the right, privilege and responsibility for citizens to vote; to have informed voters would be the icing on the cake.  Maybe I am just old-fashioned; after seeing what my husband went through to become a citizen, I know how blessed I am to have been born an American.  Sometimes one has to leave the country and see how things are in other places to really appreciate what we have here.

Too bad this election is the end of it for a while.  Tomorrow they will start going full-bore for the presidential election in 2 years.  When that comes along, that will be major voter fatigue.  I don’t want to hear it, see it or deal with it until about September 2015.  Too bad I won’t be able to do that.  Maybe a little respite before the onslaught for 2015.

I don’t usually rant, but today I have had enough!  I am going to bed early, they can decide each election without me – the New Year comes in whether I am awake or not.

 

No Idea For A Title

November 2, 2014

I just realized it has been a week since I posted – not a lot to write about that is interesting.  I’ve been going through the days, often not sure what I need to be doing.  That ugly word “Should” tends to creep in and I am not boarding that bus voluntarily.  I heard an intuitive talk about letting go of the past programs rather than keeping them playing in a loop in my head.  What a great idea!  I have spent too much time and energy with several and enough is enough.  I have an appointment with an intuitive on Tuesday to help me clear a lot of the “Mom stuff” that feels at this moment as if it is choking me.

There has been a situation that my husband keeps harping on even though it is now resolved.  The last time he brought it up, I told him it is a dead issue.  Wonder why I didn’t use that a lot sooner for things I know are dead but I keep them in the mind loop.  I decided in Ike Pono I don’t board the guilt bus any more – I am only responsible for me, not anyone else.  I have finally learned that no matter how small I play, it never makes anyone else feel secure.

Last Monday on my show I talked about the gifts from Mom’s dementia experience – I wasn’t sure if I would get drippy, it worked out fine.    Late in the afternoon I heard the buzzer on the back door – a fellow bearing flowers.  It was a gorgeous bouquet of white lilies, roses, stock and I am to sure what else.  It was from the Breakfast Club.  I had already received a card from them on Saturday – signed by everyone.  Such wonderful friends and colleagues!

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Tuesday I looked at my calendar and realized I had missed my infusion the Thursday before – I don’t think I looked at my calendar at all last week.  So I called my rheumatologist’s office to see if they could fit me in the next morning after Breakfast Club – they could.  I also asked if I needed to change my next infusion because it would be only 3 weeks in between.  I was ready to go to my regular doc and realized it was 9:00, not 9:30.  By then it was 9:15, so I called his office.  Turns out he hadn’t come from the hospital yet and had 2 other people waiting. So we rescheduled for Wednesday afternoon.

I had coffee and lunch with my friend Patti – we hadn’t met for quite a while and it was good to see her.  I was dragging and spending time with her helped me so much.  I have a very boring life next to her, if it isn’t her house, her family, her business and computer – it is her neighbors.  Sounds a bit like a soap opera.  She has been through taking care of her Mom as well, so she had some good advice and insight.  Also, she is in the same business of promotional marketing, though she specializes in gold mining supplies.  I have learned a lot about gelding from her.   I hope she benefited as much as I did.

Wednesday was medical day – I went to Breakfast Club, then to my infusion, then to my doc in the afternoon.  My doc is a little concerned about me and dealing with Mom’s death.  He has offered to give me the name of a really good grief counselor if I need it.  I  like to wait for a bit to see how I do – he wants to see me in a month.  I may take him up on his offer.

Thursday I spent at Apple first at the Pages Group Session, then a One to One about podcasts and putting them on iTunes and my website.  I seem to give Larry a challenge when we do a One to One.  I need to make another appointment so he can figure out the RSS code and how to apply it to my stuff.

Back in a bit.

I took advantage of the sun while it was out to take pictures of John’s handiwork.  It has been raining, often pouring so much, there hasn’t been much sun.  John and his crew worked in the rain – it had almost stopped when they were finished.  This way there is more light to really show what they did.

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Looking down the porch to the road

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It may not look much different because the big trees belong to the neighbor across the street

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Things look so much better with the ugly hedge gone.

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Now you can see the sidewalk to the front door

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Donut lilacs that dark core is rotten.

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The camellia was so big, too big for the space.

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Looking to the back door

Friday John Van Zanten came with his crew to give us our view back and also give some  things a hair cut.  I asked him to take out that ugly hedge by the outside stairway and then he trimmed some branches on the lilac and the camellia.  Turns out the lilac looked like a donut inside, it was rotted.  Things look a lot different now.  Also, Bob ad Delores next door appreciate the haircut for the view, it helps theirs a lot as well.

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There is a lot more light in the bathroom – small window

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It looks a whole lot different with the branches gone

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I want the camellia, lilac and the rhode bloom in the spring, then we will cut them and dig them up – plant something to soften the brick but not above the windows.

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Not sure what to do with the two camellias on the left – not really the best place for them.

I took naps for several days  in the week, I slept, then sleep well at night – still tired.   Lots of weird dreams, wonder what they are telling me.   I went to lunch on Saturday with Char, Joan and Joyce in Marysville for Lois’s birthday lunch.  It was cloudy here, but as I got near Everett and Marysville, it was foggy – cold and raw.  However, we had a lovely time and I am glad I went by the time I came home, it was too late for a nap – I could certainly have used one.

That’s my week.

Taking It As It Comes

October 24, 2014

I can think of a lot of things I could or need to do, but at the moment I don’t really have the energy.  One thing I have learned is that writing it out often helps a lot, even if it is just to express it and get it out of my mind.  I look back on yesterday as a good day.  I had a great show with Dave Gagley, my attorney friend and the one who helped me so much with Mom and her affairs.  It was fun and we had a caller with a good question.  I kept it to estate planning since it is only a half hour, but I would like to have Dave on again for other things.

I had time between finishing the show and my chiropractor appointment, so I read a Dick Francis book – didn’t want to put it down until I saw how it all came together.  I did enjoy my adjustment, Cheryl is gentle but very effective.  Lately I have been stiff and sore around my clavicle girdle – that is around my back, neck and shoulders.  Guess there is still tension and stress.  I decided to have coffee and something while I read, that was enjoyable.  I was also putting off going to the funeral home to “pick up Mom and Dad”.

I took Dad’s ashes on Friday and they combined them so when I scatter them from on the Sound from a ferry, they will be together.  I also arranged for some to go to Candy, she wants to do something for them around Dad’s birthday.  It is the only physical evidence of them now, their essences are not in the earthly container any more.  It is amazing how heavy ashes are – the box and container with Dad’s was really heavy and the two together was also heavy.  I am not sure what I am feeling other than uncomfortable – yet there is no reason to be uncomfortable.  All this is new to me, I am so glad to have Dave helping me navigate the legal stuff, Char has helped a lot because she did it for both her mom and dad.  So many people have offered whatever help I need, I need to sort out how that looks for me.

By the time I got home, I was exhausted.  It was after 3, too late to have a nap.  However, I was happy to go to bed early and glad I slept well last night.  It is a kind of droopy day today and I decided to just go with it rather than push against it.  I probably would have been better off having a lie down in the afternoon, but I didn’t.  However, bed looks pretty good right now.

Back later.

 

It is a whole lot later than I planned – it’s Friday afternoon.  I have been having naps and sleeping pretty well at night – that is all to the good.  Wednesday morning before leaving for Breakfast Club, I had an email from Ellen with a Flash From the Past – she sent a photo with everything blooming.

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It makes me think of my Mom and how much she enjoyed her flowers.  I had a real lift from it and I made sure I emailed Ellen back to let her know how much I appreciated it.

When I went to Breakfast Club, I wasn’t so down and droopy.  They are a wonderful group of colleagues and friends, it is often a lift to the week.   I will say the week got better after that.  Thursday I spent at Apple learning more about Pages, though she had several new ones who didn’t know how to do it.  I mostly played around the cards and looking on the internet for pictures, etc. – I didn’t have a particular project.  I was surprised to find myself really tired, I seem to be okay in the morning and then suddenly run out of energy.  I decided to have a nap and since we hadn’t turned on the furnace yet, it was cold and I was glad to curl up in the warm cocoon of the bed and sleep or doze.

Last night we went out to Mongolian Grill for dinner, we haven’t done that for quite a while and we enjoy it.  Also, no dishes to wash.  it has been pouring a lot this week, we managed to find a break in the action to go to dinner.  Eddie has had the brunt of it going to and from Mukilteo, even hail yesterday

I decided to turn on the furnace this afternoon, three layers of wool and a layer of cotton wasn’t keeping me warm.  We thought about waiting until the 1st of November, but I just decided I had had enough of being cold and turned it on.   Blessed warmth!  If I were brought up in the UK, 61 degrees would seem quite comfortable.  I went to breakfast this morning with Judith and Juno – I almost didn’t, but figured Why not.  I enjoyed it and then went over to the funeral home to pick up Mom’s death certificates.  Suddenly ran out of energy and thought about coming home for a nap.  I ended up calling people about being a guest on my show or being a sponsor.  Not sure how any of it will turn out – it is God;s hands.

It has been the kind of week I’ve had for the past couple of weeks or so.  Still not sure what I feel or how I am doing, just working my way through what’s happening this day without wondering about tomorrow.

Everyday Life Clamors For Attention

October 19, 2014

I’ve been mostly in neutral for a while – it feels beige and nondescript.  Sometimes there are things I have to do, other I know they need to be done and I have no energy.  Tuesday was a day I had a hard time finding energy, I am glad I at least wrote a post.  Wednesday I went to Breakfast Club because I enjoy the people there, plus I had a signed order to send in.  Then I to the funeral home to make arrangements.  I have been putting it off, mainly because it is the one physical part of the whole process. It’s the one thing that has made me uncomfortable.   Anyway, I arranged for the ashes and I need to take Dad;s over there so they will be together as Mom wanted.

Then I went up to Everett to the Olive Garden to celebrate Joan’s birthday.  I did quite well and was able to be calm and not be a downer. It was a lift along with Breakfast Club after being so tired and a bit down on Tuesday.  I had a good time and glad I decided to go.  On the way home I stopped at Les Schwab to check my tires – my yellow light was on and I though maybe one tire was low.  Everything was fine, but even though he evened the pressure on all the tires, the light stayed on.

Eddie had gone to the archives and then did some things afterwards – he was home before I arrived.  He decided to take off Thursday and Friday.   I put in the sales order on Thursday morning, then we went down to the Nissan dealership to have them check the light.  We had stopped at Ikea before the dealership – they have changed their menu and don’t have the herring any more.  There used to be  separate case with several kinds of herring and we always enjoyed that.  Then they didn’t have it any more – the head office decided all the stores had to be the same.  Phooey!  Couple o times they had little cups of herring but this time it was just the salmon, no herring at all.  So you have to buy the jars if you want herring.  Bummer!

We waited for the car and it turned out one of my sensors on the left front tire was gone – only $185 to replace it.  Now my light doesn’t come on any more.  By then I was really tired and just wanted to go home.  Friday Eddie went to have his car serviced and I took Dad’s ashes to the funeral home – I will pick them up on Monday – some will be sent to Candy.  I checked about the ferry and they need a little notice and it has to be a biodegradable container to drop over the side.  Then the library and Bartell’s.

The night before I woke up in the middle of the night and realized there were some things of Mom’s we hadn’t picked up – I wasn’t thinking too clearly the Saturday before – plus Judy wasn’t there.  So after the funeral home I went to see Judy – she had tried to call me and my phone was off.  She was surprised we had left things – we didn’t see them in the piles.  So I think we have everything now , the rest of the things will be given away to those who can use them.

I seem to have a pattern of sleeping fine when I go to bed, but waking up about 2:30 and not being able to go back to sleep.  It hasn’t help with resting and regaining my energy – not sure what is going on with it.  It used to happen a while ago and then I was doing okay – just had trouble getting to sleep at night.  It all feels a bit jumbled and upside down.  Probably normal after Mom’s passing, but I’m not sure what is normal for me.  I am working on one day at a time.  Yesterday Eddie was at the Car Show for the Car Museum and today he is at the Museum of flight.  The past four days have felt like Sunday because Eddie has been home or we have done things together; no doubt part of the reason everything feels jumbled.

This coming week should be a bit more regular – I have Dave Gagley on my show tomorrow, he is a great attorney  and has helped me so much with Mom’s affairs.  The reason things have gone easily with Mom is I have had Dave there to give me advice and legal help, so I want people to know how important it is to prepare so there isn’t a lot of scrambling and running around at the time of dying.

I have been thinking about having a Celebration of Life for Mom in the next month or so – I want there to be a close to the affairs, there will not be a close for Mom and Dad because they are always with us.  I’d like to have my sister as part of it, but it may not be possible – they will certainly be here is spirit.

Somewhere In Neutral

October 14, 2014

I have to do at least one thing today – so far I have slept, watched tv and been on the computer, but not accomplishing anything.  I got up with Eddie this morning to have breakfast with him, he is spending the day at the Convention Center for the Interior Show.  Then we have the volunteer dinner tonight – he is the volunteer in the family.  I feel at loose ends, somewhere in neural – that’s the phrase that comes into my mind.

After he left, I checked email and then went back to bed.  I had trouble going to sleep because I was cold, then had weird dreams.  When I got up, I checked the clock and thought it was 1:00.  I had a show and got dressed, then looked at the clock again – it was only 11:30.  I’ve been sleeping well, so I may be beginning to unwind and release tensions of the last few years.  I did my show yesterday with Krista Gibson as my guest – she is great to have on the show and I enjoyed interviewing her.  Actually, I wanted her to clarify a couple of things I had heard her say because it was just a vague I think I know, but I was looking for I know that I know.  Now I am letting it simmer on the back burner until it really sinks in.

Before the show, I had a chance to meet and talk with Consuelo – her show is at 8:00 a.m., so I hear it as I am driving to the station.  I like what she has to say, plus she is the one who told me about Sound Cloud.  As we were talking, I asked her if it was too soon to see if my Mom had transitioned smoothly and was she with Dad and Josephine – Consuelo said she is there with them and it went smoothly.  She is happy and surrounded by love.  I was so glad to hear that – I know how scared Mom was to let go and all three of us girls told her Dad would be waiting.

After the show I went to see Dave, my attorney friend, about a matter for my sister.  He wasn’t there but I was able to give Dana the information and I will probably see Dave tomorrow at Breakfast Club.  Then went to see Dr. Cheryl for an adjustment.  My shoulders and neck have been stiff and sore – a large weight I have been carrying?  I’m not sure I am ready to examine feelings and emotions right now; I know it needs to be addressed.

I went to my caregiver support group, told them about Mom.  I realized I had been doing a lot of venting, but it was necessary and I knew it was a safe place.  I didn’t say a whole lot and there were two new people.  We ended up with 2 Jeans and 2 Lauries.  Then there was Claire and me, later Toni.   Last night I suddenly realized I don’t have to deal with that any more.  I am a little reluctant to say Mom’s passing is a relief – for her because she isn’t anxious or confused any more; for me because I was having trouble handling going to see her each week, seeing her decline before my eyes.

I was really tired when I came home, then fell asleep for a bit before dinner.  I could have gone to bed at any time, I didn’t want to find myself wide awake in the middle of the night because I had gone to sleep at 7.  My mind feels a bit like mush, hard to hold on to a thought or action for very long.  I feel as if it is one of my “drag my ass tired” periods with RA.

I hear from friends this is fairly normal.  It was very different when Dad died, our niece from Jerusalem was visiting and we left for Virginia after the Celebration of Life open house.  I went home and had to put my cat to sleep and our niece had used our phone to call her fellow and he kept calling.  Eddie was really upset because he told her not to use the phone, plus his sister and her husband didn’t want her talking to him either.  I finally answered the phone, told him I would let her talk to him once but not to call again because I had too much to deal with at that moment.  I told her the same thing, but he kept calling, so I didn’t answer the phone.  So she was mad at us and when she went back home, she didn’t speak to us for a long time.  There was a lot a stuff going on and for a while I couldn’t think about Dad.

Finally I sat down and wrote to him, at times hard to see the keyboard because I was crying, it felt good to put it in words.  I think I wrote at least a couple of other times – wonder where I put the sheets.  What has always surprised me is that whenever we came here to visit afterwards, it didn’t seem strange Dad wasn’t here.  It’s more than that. but I don’t have the words to describe it.  The experiences are different,  not sure what works for me.  Mom’s passing is still so new, I am just being and seeing what happens.  It’s odd how I suddenly remember she isn’t here any more and it brings me up short.

Glad to know I accomplished something today.

Bouquets For Mom

October 12, 2014

Last Wednesday, late in the afternoon, Luzma came back for a second visit.  This time she brought John and vases of roses – because she said the house should be filled with roses for Mom.  So she brought:


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Red Roses for the mantle

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Peach roses for the record cabinet

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Small roses for the buffet

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Daisies and balloon for the dining table.

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Luzma is really upset about Mom’s passing

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Mom was there for her in some very scary times; then Luzma and John wrapped in family while she was alone for 2 years.

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I love the butterfly in each bouquet.

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Delores brought a lovely azalea that day – Mom would have enjoyed the flowers, though she had difficultly giving the gift of receiving.

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It is lovely to see the roses slowly opening up; as if they know how much Mom loved roses

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There is something heartwarming to see the roses opening and spreading their joy

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It is very comforting to look around the room and see all the lovely flowers surrounding us.

Thank You to all who knew Mom and loved her.  She had no idea how many people thought how sweet, warm, welcoming, caring, funny and loving she always was with other people.  Judy at the adult family home thought she was a darling, the others in the home loved her; Sherry, the receptionist at the Center  said Mom was a hoot.  She was different with other people and I had trouble seeing that side.

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This is the Mom I remember – an amazing woman, a wonderful wife, and a great Mom.  This was her 90th birthday with her friends and daughters to celebrate with her.

Her Journey’s End

October 9, 2014

Yesterday morning at 4:50 my Mom died peacefully in her sleep.  She had her 96th birthday last month and she finally was ready to let go and make her transition.  We had a call shortly after from Judy, her caregiver to tell us Mom had died.  It was part expected and in part startled me.  Since the doctor had said she was going into the last stages of dementia, I didn’t know how long she would be with us.  It is a relief and also upsetting; even though I knew Mom didn’t want to be here, that she missed my Dad and her cat Josephine.  Judy asked if I wanted to see her body, but I said No; I wanted to remember her the way she was when I saw her Friday – fast asleep under the covers, looking warm and comfortable and holding the weighted baby doll.

I am not sure what I am feeling or what I need or want – I feel at sixes and sevens, sort of wandering around wondering what I am supposed to do.  I called my sisters to let them know, I spoke to Ellen and had to leave a message for Candy because she wasn’t available.  Eddie had a conference he was helping put on and there was no need for him to stay home.  I think it helped him concentrate on that rather than Mom.  I went to my Breakfast Networking Group – Julia asked why I was there.  I didn’t want to be at home.  I’m so glad I went, this group of people have been there to support, encourage and help me through some difficult times – they are close friends rather than just people with businesses I network with every Wednesday.

I am still alternately calm and teary/drippy, never sure when the drippy will appear.

LATER

I’m having trouble settling to anything – I quit writing this because I couldn’t  keep going – usually I go into a flow once I start writing.  I’ve been wondering if writing it out would help – not really sure any more.  I tried having a lie down, to possibly sleep; didn’t happen.  I know I am tired – probably exhausted, but sleeping is not working out very well.  It took me a while to get to sleep last night – then I noticed how stiff and uncomfortable I was.  Not sure what is going on.

Back to the story:

After Breakfast Club I went to see Judy.  She told me Mom was very different on Tuesday, she noticed changes that weren’t there before – she recognized it probably wouldn’t be too long.  She checked on Mom quite often that night and then Mom was gone.  She reassured me that I had done everything I could for Mom and that she feels the loss as well.  She loved my Mom, as she loves all the residents as long as they are there.  It is difficult for her to see them go.  I have tried to tell Judy as often as I can how much I appreciate her, all that she did for Mom and to thank her.  She told me many times that it made such a difference for her to be appreciated – I don’t think too many do that.  She said Mom was a darling and everyone in the house loved her.

I keep meaning to tell Ellen the lilies she sent for Mom’s birthday are still beautiful – they are on the dining room table for everyone to enjoy.  Some have lost their petals, but quite a few are blooming.

I came home  and found a voicemail from Candy – I’m sorry I wasn’t able actually talk to her.  I called the Allens and also John and Luzma to tell them.  I ended up checking my emails and then had a cup of tea and a pear for lunch.  I suddenly felt very sleepy, so I went to lie down for a bit – I think I slept but then the tea kicked in and She Who Must Be Obeyed let me know I needed to get up and use the bathroom.  I went down again for a bit, then Luzma came by.  John had told her when she woke up.  We hugged each other and we sat and talked for a while – she will definitely miss Mom.  She remembers how kind Dad was to her, accepting her and treating her well.  She loved Mom, she said she was like a grandmother to her.  Their shared their gardens and many other things.

I decided I needed to do something, so I worked on the expenses for the business, I have let it go for too long.  it seemed to be the only things I could concentrate on.  Suddenly John and Luzma reappeared, carrying flowers.  She said she knew Mom loved her rose and she thought the house should be filled with roses.  There is one vase is small roses in a deep pink, one vase with red roses and a third vase with apricot roses.  The last vase had white daisies – plus a balloon.  In each vase is a lovely butterfly.  (I’ll put the pictures in another post).

They told me to call them for whatever I need – as soon as I know, I will.  While they were here Eddie called, he was on his way home from the conference, it didn’t last as long as he thought.  I was glad to see him when he came home.  We just had tea and bread – it was later than we usually eat and we were both tired.

I left a message for June, one of the domino ladies and also called and talked to Kathy.  I know there are people to tell but I can’t quite think of them at the moment.  That was Day 1.


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