Finally Home Again

May 20, 2012

Yesterday morning all three of us came home for good – the bathroom is almost done, the shower doors will be installed on Monday and the last few details finished.  So it is spit baths for a couple of days and then it will be a fully functional bathroom.  In some ways for me, I don’t feel I have been home at all – yes there were those 3 or 4 days between leaving rehab and living in a hotel.  I have felt temporary for the last 3 months or more since I was taken out feet first to the hospital on February 24th.  It has been an interesting journey and experience – still going on too.  I am curious to see what changes have happened inside me, right now I think it is too early to tell.  Maybe others can see changes from the outside, I am not sure.  Right now it is another adjustment coming home for good at last.

Everything is the same, yet different.  First off, there isn’t the room in the sink cabinet that we had before and there isn’t a shelf unit above the toilet any more.  That means figuring out where everything goes and what can be thrown out or given to St. Vincent so someone else can use it.  I also realize how crowded with stuff the office and our bedroom are – I know I am a pack rat and this has certainly brought it home to me.  There is the thought in the back of my mind, “What if I need it later?”.  It is that “just in case” mindset even if it turns out I never need it again.  Maybe it is simply that the rooms seem smaller than they were before and  I know that in order for new things to come in, I have to clear space for them by clearing out the old.  I realize a lot of things are from another life, a person I am no longer in this moment.  I will admit to feeling confused and unsure about who I am and where I want to go – it is as if I have been disconnected from everything I know for a long time.  Now that I am home I can reconnect – but now only with that which is truly me and what I want.

I also feel as if I am in transition with my business, I don’t quite know what direction I want to take it.  Over the past few months with my life narrowing so much as Mom was not able to be left alone, then breaking my hip, my business is almost at a standstill.  I have been thinking since last fall, it’s a good time to rest, regroup and redefine what I want to do.  The only problem seemed to be with me, I was so bone weary and mentally and emotionally exhausted that I haven’t been able to think straight.  I haven’t had the energy or interest to do anything about it.  When I went to rehab, I thought I would have time to read and write to help me see where things were and where I was heading.  Unfortunately I was so tired I had no interest in any of it,  so tired and dragged out – what I call “drag my ass tired” – I couldn’t even think about it.

Physically I am doing a lot better, I am walking with the cane around the house and for short distances outside.  I feel more independent with the cane, plus not so much hardware to put in the trunk .  But I still need to use the wheely walker if I am going to the store or longer distances – the therapists think I can be back walking without anything as I did before I broke the hip.  The one thing that is most frustrating is not being able to drive, to go and do whenever I want.  I am dependent on rides to therapy and I will say how grateful I am to friends who have been there for me.  It was hard to ask for help when I went back to my networking breakfast club because I have always done things myself.  It was very difficult to change a lifetime of “Don’t ask for help”, “Don’t impose on people or be a burden”.  Thanks to my older sister Ellen for her words “Ditch it, Girl” when we discussed it awhile back.  In many ways I have become very aware of some childhood programs in the last few months – I had no idea about specifics, I was just going on autopilot and didn’t really know it.

Outpatient physical therapy is more aggressive than inpatient – I really notice it when I am finished.  Michael puts me on the cross trainer first, just with the foot action.  It has intensity settings from 1-10, he jacked up to 8 on Friday.  So the resistance is more and I feel the workout in my legs.  I think he plans to have me all the way up to 10 by the time I leave.  He is helping me with balance and strength as well as being a bit faster in my movements.  We are doing moderate difficulty on “Stomp the mole”, it is a 9 square grid and when amole pops up, I have to move my feet to the proper square to stomp it.  They also have a mouse that moves from one square to another and they are also to be stomped.  However, not the lady bugs, but they tend to get stomp unintentionally – I don’t always  notice them while trying to get the mice and moles.  He isn’t really concerned with my score, he wants me to be able to step from one square to another a little faster each time so I have a more smooth movement.  Mostly when I feel I have loosened a tight muscle and it is comfortable again, Michael finds another couple I didn’t know I had.  Like everything else, it is a process.  Glad to be at this end than just starting to stand and walk again.

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What A Difference A Week Makes

May 17, 2012

I have been living in a hotel for three weeks while our bathroom is remodeled.  It will have a stall shower, higher toilet, new sink and vanity, a lot more light and even an exhaust fan.  Unfortunately the hotel is costing more than we planned and also the stay for my Mom at the adult family home.  I am hoping we can all come home Saturday.  In the last 12 or 13 weeks I have spent 3 or 4 days at home, so in some ways it doesn’t feel I have been home at all.  However, since my fall and broken hip on February 24th, I have been able to walk again after 8 weeks of rehab and 2 weeks of out patient physical therapy.

Last week in therapy they started me walking with a cane and on Tuesday Michael wanted be to bring a cane for the next day.  My good friend Carol has been so great at taking me to therapy and breakfast club plus we stopped at Walgreen’s to check out canes.  Now I always thought if I ever had to use a cane, I would get an elegant, cool one – not this time.  However, I will be on the look out for a cool one from now on until I find the one that hits me.  Even so, the one I chose is good looking and sturdy, plus I can always bling it up a bit.  So now I am using the cane to walk around the hotel room – Michael wants me to get used to it and use the wheely walker for long trips or going into the grocery store.  it feels so good to be less encumbered, I even find myself walking without the cane in my room.  I still walk like Walter Brennan without a cane or walker – but it feels a little less than before – or is that wishful thinking.  I want to feel more confident with the cane before I go out in public with it – the walker makes me feel a little more secure at this point.

The other surprising thing is finding myself doing something I haven’t done for a long time – I was drying myself off and didn’t realize I had my foot on the toilet to dry my leg – it was as if my body took over and knows what she can and cannot do.  It felt so good!  I think I am more adventurous now instead of being timid when it comes to moving.  I can now turn over on my side and I even sleep on the right side – the repaired side.  I am also sleeping better the past few days, I don’t toss and turn and change positions so much.  I am sure Eddie will appreciate that since I kept waking him up when I had to move.

I am also more flexible and loose than I was – not hard to do since Ihave been very tight for quite awhile.  I want to find a very beginning Tai Chi class that also teaches the mind, body and spirit connection – it will be gentle but help me to loosen up all my tight muscles and tendons so I am more flexible.  I want to go back to my deep tissue massage as well as start back with my chiropractor – she helped open me as well and I miss not working with her.  And of course, it  is long past time to do something about my weight – I want to wear my clothes again and take some weight and stress off my joints.  Since I didn’t have much in the way of sugar for 8 weeks, it is a good time to let go of sugar and sweets.  I realize I have mostly gained belly fat – not easy to admit – though I see it in other places as well.  I had decided when I turned 60 that the last third of my life would be different – at 65 I see a lot of changes I have made in the last five years.  Always more to work on and not always comfortable, but I am determined to be the best I can be.

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Two Weeks Out of Rehab

May 12, 2012

It’s been rather an upheaval since I came home from rehab – though today is a stellar day because it is our 43rd wedding anniversary.  When I think about what I was doing 43 years ago, I realize how young and inexperienced I was even though I thought I was terribly mature.  I often wonder how I would have handled living in Australia if I had today’s knowledge and experience.  It certainly made me grow up, plus Eddie and I developed a closeness in that tiny farming town that has lasted all these years.  Our life together has been interesting and challenging, I am so grateful Eddie chose to stay when I was diagnosed with RA, as well as all the other things we have had to face.  There are other men who would have left because they weren’t willing to deal with any of it.  So this is a doubly lovely anniversary.

When I left rehab, I came home to the house – I wasn’t sure how it was going to be getting around the house with the walker.   It turned out better than I expected, though I was moving very carefully and slowly.  Unfortunately I had been away 8 weeks and Mom had forgotten I lived there – also mostly had forgotten who I was.  For the next few days she seemed to treat me as if I was made of fine porcelain or spun glass, constantly asking if I was all right.  On Sunday we all packed up and left the house so Brad could start demolition in the bathroom.  We found an adult family home for Mom and I am living at a hotel at the airport – Eddie spends some nights with me and sometimes sleeps at the house – there is water for the bathroom downstairs.  However, we haven’t told Mom that because she would want to come home too.  She is not happy about being at the adult home but there isn’t anything we can do about it.  It looks as if it will be the end of next week before we can come back to the house.  We hated telling her when we saw her yesterday afternoon, she is bored and not happy there.

I am here at the hotel mostly by myself and no car – I can only go out if someone gives me a ride.  It’s hard to be dependent after being able to go and do whenever I want when I want.  Carol took me to Breakfast Club last Wednesday and this week after Breakfast Club I went to outpatient physical therapy.  Tuesday Pat Murray took me to my first outpatient therapy – driving a honking great Suburban that I had to climb into.  Then he picked me up in a VW Beetle – he had to pull me out of that one.  It was a bit hard asking for a ride but I have found they are are all quite happy to do it – they are true friends.  It was fun to go back and see friends at the gym, though it felt a bit different since I could leave when I was finished.  Tony did an assessment and I scored well on it – still things to strengthen and do so I am not dependent on the walker.  He had me walking without my walker – I did warn him I walk like Walter Brennan.  Unfortunately he didn’t know who that was, so I had to explain.  I did okay, then he had me walk with a cane around the circuit – out one door, down the hall and in the other door.  Rather an interesting experience.  On Wednesday I was working with Michael, helping me with balancing and strength along with stretching.  I don’t want to use the wheely walker for the rest of my life all the time, so I am determined to work as hard as possible to go on my own steam.

Staying at home was not as difficult as I thought it would be – Mom’s caregivers came and that made a big difference.  I want to continue that as long as possible so she has things going on for her and I can have some quiet time.  After 2 weeks in a hotel with no way to get around, I am frustrated as all get out, tired of feeling useless and helpless because I can’t drive and accomplish some things so Eddie doesn’t have to do everything.  I will see the surgeon on May 23rd, I hope he will give me the okay to drive.  I also think I may have to practice a little before  going out in traffic, it has been almost 3 months.  Yes, I know This Too Shall Pass, I’m just impatient for it to pass.

Eddie comes by most days after work, sometimes he is so tired and just sacks out at home.  It feels as if there are so many things that need to be done that we are running from here to there.  We seem to spent time eating out a lot, not the way we usually eat.

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Rehab and RA

May 4, 2012

I had quite an experience while in rehab for 8 weeks – unfortunately when I was in the hospital under the influence of pain killers and who knows what else, it took a while to realize I had missed some very important information.  The surgeon apparently told me he was stopping my Methothrexate so the wound would heal faster – I don’t remember hearing that.  I had not had it for a week when the fall happened and then about 2 weeks later I woke up one morning with the most miserable flare up I have had in a long time.  When it finally penetrated that I hadn’t had metho for 3 weeks, I kept asking questions and let them know I was pissed off.  Finally I got the message and realized I didn’t remember anything about it.  So not only was I constantly telling the therapists that I was worried about not messing up my shoulders and hands, then I was dealing with a flare up.  Now I will commend the therapists for working with me to prevent as much problem with those parts while I was learning to walk with toe touch.  I could only put my toe on my right leg down to balance but not put weight on it.

I know there were many times when I did put a little too much wieght, it isn’t easy not to do it.  The weight had to upperbody strength and I will confess I didn’t have much at the time.  I was given exercises for all parts of my legs, for my arms and anything else they could think of that could be done in a wheel chair.  I was having such a hard time with the toe touch walking in a regular walker, I was determined to master it if it killed me.  It was probably getting on to almost 5 weeks before I started get the hang of it – I knew that because I didn’t hear the therapist checking weight bearing,  reminding me of toe touch, saying good step more often and of course, less reminding me of “spaghetti leg”.  What bugged me was the comment that once I learn how to do it, I won’t have to do it any more – I kept wondering why I was doing it at all if I wasn’t going to need it.  It simply meant that when the surgeon gave me weight bearing status then I could walk with both legs and not deal with toe touch.

I was so appreciative of one of the occupational therapists, Carol, for giving me hot packs for my hurting shoulders and hot paraffin for my hands to elp relieve some of the pain.  They were all very caring and concerned about me – as they are of all their charges – but were also rather hard assed about things I could do I wasn’t sure I could.  I remember when I first stood up – I was scared of so much and Tony was there to keep me going and was very encouraging.  I slowly began to walk a few steps and of course there were always exercises for muscles, tendons and such.  I was so proud of myself the day I went around the circuit at one go – 60 feet.  I was really winded when I was finished, plus I had to stop and rest twice.  What I found was that each time it was easier and I could go a little farther.  I walked around one of the halls next to the gym for quite a few feet – it felt as if I was doing it without a net.  They always made sure I had a gate belt on so that they could catch me if I got in trouble; that gave me a secure feeling.  I was able to do 130 feet by the time I saw the surgeon the second time – 6 weeks after surgery.  He gave me weight bearing as tolerated status, so things got more intense and instead of being in a wheelchair all the time, I used my wheely walker.  They decided I could be independent and walk anywhere, plus go to meals.  That felt so good, to be able to do things on my own again.

As for the methotrexate, I finally started it again about the 3rd week I was there but it took 4 or 5 weeks for it to kick in again.  It seemed to take forever to feel halfway comfortable again, plus my hands  developed blisters and new nodules from wheeling myself around.  When I first was able to wheel myself, my personal goal was to wheel myself from my room to the dining room.  My room was at the other end of the hall and it looked a long way to go.  But I worked at it and finally accomplished my goal.  Now I will admit when I was having a bad morning because of the flare up, I accepted a push because it was hardest in the morning – it was better in the afternoon and evening.  I learned how to turn and few other things, so by week 6 I was going a bit faster than in the beginning.

I will admit to feeling really tired and lousy most of the time, no energy or interest in anything.  I was bone weary as well as mentally and emotionally exhausted when I went in, so the surgery and ehab was just more piled on.  I have been home a little over a week – well, a few days and now I have been at a hotel for almost a week while the bathroom is being remodelled.  Still tired but I was pleased to find on Monday I felt like reading a book again.  I wasn’t interested in doing anything for those long 8 weeks, so reading felt so good.  It has been along journey and I am curious to see the changes and effects it has had on me – maybe in the coming months.

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There’s A Reason For My Silence

April 29, 2012

I apologize for not writing for over 2 months – it was not my choice.  On February 24th I fell and broke my right hip which sent me to the hospital and then 8 weeks of rehab.  It was not on my agenda, though I did need a break – I was thinking more in terms of 2 weeks at a spa.  Rehab was no spa, but I had time away from home and all the things making me crazy at the time, so it wasn’t a complete disaster.  However, it was no rest and relaxation either, I learned to stand, walk with toe touch on my right leg and then finally when I had full weight bearing clearance from the surgeon, the therapists really worked me over and I was able to leave rehab on my own two feet and a wheely walker.  I still have 4 weeks of outpatient rehab left – when will they let me drive again?  I am dependent on others to go anywhere, very hard when I am so used to going whenever I want.

To add insult to injury, I caught the flu while I was there.  So my last week was uncomfortable and now I am trying to get rid of this stupid cough.  I need to go see my acupuncturist for that, she does such wonders.  Right now I am packing up for a week to 10 day stay in a hotel while we put a stall shower in the bathroom – I don’t dare get into that tub!  Also a taller toilet and grab bars to make things easier – long overdue improvements.  My Mom is in a tizzy because she really doesn’t want to leave home even though she wants the new shower stall.  We found an adult family home for her to stay while the work is being done, no idea how she will settle in there.

I didn’t miss the computer at all, I had no interest or energy to read or write – 2 things I thoroughly enjoy. I was dragging myself around most of the time,trying to get rested but it never seemed to improve- I suppose I have to remember my body had taken a huge blow and takes time to recover.  I didn’t sleep all that well at night – they had these bubble mattress covers that undulate as I was lying on it.  Trouble came when it wasn’t working, just flat as pancake and my back hurt all the time. I started sleeping on all the pillows, a bit better but not much. Finally got it fixed and then I was kicked upstairs to another room.  That one would only inflate on one side, so they got me a new one and I finally found the right combination of feet up and head up so I was comfortable.  I was only able to sleep on my back – I couldn’t turn myself over on my side at all.  The food is a story in itself – maybe for another time.

So now I am home trying to navigate around and everything seems much narrower than I remember.  My mom has forgotten I live here and really doesn’t know who I am.  I have come to terms with that, it was a lot of emotion in the beginning and as far as I know, the emotion is gone.  It is time to look for a place for her to live permanently – my doctor is very worried about me and also in rehab they don’t want to see me back again.  So when the bathroom is done, it will be time to see what is available and is affordable.

A short version this week, just  to touch touch base and let you know I am still here.  It has been a strange time and I am slowly picking up the threads of my life.  I am curious to see what changes have happened inside me as a result of the whole experience – it maybe quite awhile  before I really know.

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What Do I Believe About Myself?

February 19, 2012

I started this entry awhile ago, have come back to it 2 or 3 times and it still doesn’t feel quite right.

I saw this question a while back and I have been letting it simmer on the back burner for awhile.  Some obvious answers are “I’m not good enough”; “I’m not worthy”;”I’m not eligible or qualified for the good things in life”.   It’s a lot of how I have thought about myself for a long time.  Yet it didn’t really feel quite “right”.  This morning I was getting dressed to go to a networking breakfast and it popped into mind “I don’t believe there is anything special about me”.  I have compared myself to other people and always found myself wanting.  Trouble is, I am the only one who sees it that way.  So where did this begin?

I am the middle child of three daughters – no  doubt with all the usual middle child hang ups.  My older sister is a wonderful artist; I have admired her all my life and wanted to be able to draw and paint the way she does.  I tried but never measured up – my judgment rather than anyone else’s.  My younger sister seemed to breeze through things, did so well with music and later on writing, having her books published.  I never felt anything I did was all that special except when I did some creative things, more crafter than fine artist.  I realize I have not given myself credit for things I have done because it seemed normal, what one does in the situation.  When it comes to RA, I never realized I had a choice of whether I was going to deal with or not, I figured I had to go to the doctor, have it treated and live my life.  It has been with me so long, I’ve done whatever I needed to do to get through the day, through the flare up, the medical procedures, creating a life around what I could do physically and somehow moving from one place to another, making a new life each time.  It never seemed to be that big of an accomplishment, only what I had to do.

There have been times when I have had people tell me I have such a positive attitude – I wonder where that came from because so often I have been down, depressed, cranky and not much fun to be around.  They also say they marvel that I am able to do so much with RA – why does it feel so minor to me?  Where did I begin to discount myself, who I am and what I have accomplished?

I have been thinking about this post since I last wrote and I have realized I see myself as a result of other peoples’ comments and perceptions of me.  Except I have only heard and taken in the negative bits – wonder why the positive ones didn’t come through as well or stronger.  I also now understand that most of my feedback in childhood was more negative than positive – I know Mom was trying to protect all three of us girls in the only way she knew how.  I often wonder what her childhood was like – she only talks about her aunts and uncles, grandparents, some about her parents – but not the details that would help me understand her better.  When I asked her about them, what they were like, she would say they didn’t analyze everything back then.  Or if she wasn’t willing to talk, she would just say “I don’t know”.  She is a true Yankee New Englander, born and raised in Connecticut and not one to talk much about feelings.  My Dad was more talkative, though he was closed-mouthed some about things too.

Now I have begun to realize I have been looking outside myself for validation all my life – I haven’t loved, accepted, approved or trusted myself.  I can’t make my parents responsible for all of it – as an adult I have had choices, although I didn’t really realize it at the time.  I just went on with what I had always known.  I have to take responsibility for my adult choices all these year – yes, it is much easier to blame someone else and see myself as a victim.  But I am not a victim even though ego wants me to continue that so she can be in control.  I know I am a late bloomer, I didn’t realize it would take until my 60′s to begin to bloom.  I am also learning I had to go through the last 65 years to be ready for this part of my life – still hard to grasp it has been perfect all the way through.  Maybe it is because the definition of perfect has always been Make (something) completely free from faults or defects, satisfying all requirements and corresponding to an ideal standard or abstract concept.  So now it is time to redefine perfect in terms of my life.  I always felt I had to be perfect, do things perfectly, then beat myself up because I didn’t or couldn’t do or be perfect – an impossibility from the beginning.  (That’s another blog post by itself!).

I will admit I am not really happy about this post, it doesn’t feel as if it flows and goes anywhere.  But I will post it anyway and invite anyone to give me some feedback and suggestions to make it better.  Or maybe I am just too close to it and need to step back from it and not stress about it.  Not all blog posts are stellar.

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The Good Girl

February 12, 2012

I was brought up to be a good girl – follow the rules, be polite and let others go first, ask for permission to do something, be self-effacing because being confident and saying positive things about myself was boasting and bragging.  There is a big long list, you get the drift.  I am not saying this was all bad, just that some parts I have carried over my whole life without realizing they aren’t necessarily to my advantage any more.  The three of us girls had rules and they were always reinforced when necessary.  As a kid, that was good thing because we tested the limits to make sure they still held – it gave us security and stability.  As an adult, I hear Dr. Phil in my head – “How’s that working for you?”.  I look back at my life over 60+ years and I realized I have spent my life asking for permission to do things, to be sure what I want to do it “all right”.  That one hasn’t been working so well for as an adult because I realize I haven’t had confidence in myself  or trusted my instincts.  Asking for permission seemed to work for our parents for the two of older daughters – my younger sister would announce “I have done. . . . “.  Where did that come from and how did I miss that one?  Then again, spanking worked for the first two but not the third daughter, our parents had to find other ways with her.

So why didn’t I trust myself?  It was all that micromanaging and second guessing from our Mom.  She was doing it to protect us and would be horrified if she realized the results for our adult lives.  I am not sure what in her upbringing and childhood gave her such a fearful outlook about the world – we were taught that the world is a scary place, so make sure to be safe and secure before venturing out.  News Flash!  That is not always possible!  How does one take risks in life, explore the world and still be safe and secure?  I’m still looking for the answer to that one.  It meant that when I had that “I know that I know” about something, I still was hesitant to act – I had to clear it with someone to validate what I knew in my heart.  I have been afraid I would “get it wrong”.  It took me a long time to realize that was one way I gave away my power, now at 65 I am taking it back – it’s feels scary at times and I still doubt myself. I finally understand those seeds of doubt come from ego and she wants me scared and in the negative because then she is fully in control.  I am learning to say “Thank you for sharing, I choose something different”. I know she is trying to protect me (us), I just don’t want to live in fear any more.  I also know I can know something and still be talked into a different course that I know isn’t right for me – this listening and trusting my intuition is still new and I am working on going with my heart center even though it is scary and I am a little unsure.

I also know I want everyone to like me, then I know I am accepted.  I haven’t felt that way in very many situations – Ike Pono was one place where I was loved, accepted and supported in a non-judgmental community.  Boy, did that feel good – I felt so at home there.  I learned so much there and also contributed to it as well; we were all learning, no one “had it made”.  I was sorry when it ended, I want to find another community that has that same feeling of support and help where I can truly be myself.  I will admit it was uncomfortable at times, but so worth it.  As I have worked through things since then and especially with Debye and the deep tissue massage to unearth and resolve things bury way down since childhood, it can be uncomfortable too.   The difference now is that I am not beating myself up any more for what I have thought about myself all these years; it is making sense at last and helping me to become the person I have truly been all this time.  I not saying everyone needs to do it to resolve things, only that it has been one of the ways I have found that works for me.  It is more a matter of being willing to look at those uncomfortable things in life and find ways to come to terms with them.  I am only an expert about my own life.

I have realized all this insecurity has been a factor in having RA.  Louise Hay writes in her book “You Can Heal Your Life”  about the causes of different conditions.  For RA she wrote:  Deep criticism of authority.  Feeling put upon.  For arthritis it is:  Feeling unloved, Criticism, resentment.  Hmmmm.  Sounds a little too close to home for comfort.  Louise writes that when we love ourselves truly and completely, so many things disappear.  I haven’t loved myself, I’ve always felt there was something wrong with me, something unacceptable, that I was unlovable.  Still not sure exactly how that became my self view; what’s important is that I have begun to change that perception to one of love.  I have done a lot of work, still more to do but I am so encouraged I am willing to deal with the uncomfortable stuff.

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The Flip Side

February 5, 2012

I wrote about my Mom last week and the difficulties of dealing with her progression into dementia.  I had an email from my sister Candy a few weeks back that reminded me that life with Mom has not always been difficult.  She wrote:

I think all three of us–you, me, and Ellen–have longed for the approval and encouragement from Mom. She expressed her love in other ways: doll clothes, school lunches, and dire warnings of disasters.  Yet she did encourage us in so many ways. I remember she helped with my Bluebird group, sewed dresses for school and for dolls, made delicious meals, celebrated birthdays and holidays, and took time and care to wrap gifts, make picnic lunches for Vashon Island adventures, bathed us when we were sick (remember hot lemonade? the special bath soap only used when we were sick?) and so many other expressions of mother love and concern. Some people are great at parenting for one age group, but not for other age groups. Mom was, I think, best at being a parent for the younger years, when little ones needed to be shepherded more closely and she could do all the homemaker things for us and Daddy. Teenage years were more difficult for her (and us!) to navigate.  Sometimes I wish I could be a little girl again, bouncing on Mom and Dad’s bed on Christmas morning, opening red flannel stockings stuffed with goodies. But it is Christmas in my heart.

I realize I have spent my whole life looking for Mom’s approval and support, I now know it is something she can’t give because she never had it herself.  It is letting go of wanting it from her and understanding that all that love, acceptance, approval and trust comes from within me and my source.  Candy has reminded me that our childhood was not all “Don’t!” every time we turned around.  I have been working on coming to terms with Mom and how I see my childhood and my relationship to her.  For the past few years living here, I have only been aware and remembering the things that drive me crazy – learning to take the emotion out of it is not always easy.  Before Mom goes, I would like to have the great memories and feelings in the forefront, to keep that in mind, especially in those very frustrating times.   I’d like to ask both you and Ellen to start a list of things that were special for you, things that Mom did or said that you appreciated.  I would be interested to see how many we all put on the list and what is different – I realize both of you had different views of things and I would like to know more about that.

  •    Alcohol back rubs when we had flu – so soothing and refreshing
  •   I asked for sliced black olive sandwiches for lunch and she would make them.  I loved the meatloaf sandwiches.
  •   Coming home from school and Mom was there, baking cookies or downstairs  ironing, the smell of fresh clothes.
  •   She took us to the library after school for books.  I have a picture in my mind of being in the library in Madrona with Mom and Dad, everyone had a large pile of books to check out.  So appreciate their example of reading – it has always been one of my greatest pleasures.  I don’t remember learning to read, it is as if I have always known how to read.
  •   Saturday outings to different places, Mom making two lunches – peanut butter and crackers for Candy to eat on the ride, a proper lunch for all of us later.
  •   Mom trying out new recipes for dinner, enjoying the creativity of it.
  •   Yes, I remember the doll clothes for Christmas, clothes for Christmas and I especially remember that huge blue stuffed horse she made for Candy one year in Manhattan Beach.  it’s head was so heavy it always drooped to the side.
  •   When I could order a blouse from Sears or Ward’s and spending time deciding which one would work the best.
  •   When we went camping Mom did all the cooking and  planned lunches.   Remember when she would go into the grocery store and come out with bread, lunchmeat and a spread of some sort?
  • I always felt loved and wanted.  They gave us manners and integrity, respect for other people and their property, discipline and boundaries we could test and find they stayed in place. We always did things as a family; whether it was yard work, outings, playing cards, etc.  Now the boat is a whole story by itself.
  • Mom had a great sense of humor, we laughed a lot and she would come out with unexpected things that made us laugh.
  • Mom taught us how to make beds with hospital corners, to iron and clean house so we would be able to do when we were on our own.
  • We all had fun making root beer, all the steps.  We did a lot of hand cranked ice cream as well.
  • She helped welcome Eddie into the family and make him feel a part of it.  I think he has felt Mom and Dad were like his own parents.
  • Hot chocolate after going to see the Christmas ship
  • Making Christmas cookies
  • Birthdays – the birthday plate, chocolate cake with white 7 minute icing, candles, birthday parties and the birthday box with pink and blue crepe paper

My sister Ellen is working on her list, though one thing she did mention – as well as remembering alcohol rubs when we were sick – was “the biggest thing for me is my great gratitude for my college education”.

Somewhere inside this stubborn, irritating and unpredictable woman is that witty, loving and creative mother all three of us girls remember.    I would much rather remember all of the loving things she did rather than how it feels at this moment.

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More Lessons From My Mom

January 29, 2012

I have mentioned in passing that my Mom has  macular degeneration and dementia ( I will not  give either one capital letters) and that it has been a very stressful situation for all of us.  My husband and I live with Mom  in the house where I grew up – childhood triggers all over the place.  The change has been gradual until the past few months, suddenly it seems to have speeded up and now it is hard for Mom to remember who I am.  I think I have come to terms with it, I feel so in the middle of it all that it is hard to be objective.  I also realized it is stirring up all  kinds of uncomfortable things as well, but I am now at a point where I can say “I’m not thrilled to deal with all this but let’s do it and clean it out”. It is uncomfortable, but then again, all the work with Ike Pono and Debye and her deep tissue massage have all been uncomfortable.  However, I am still here, I have survived all of it and it feels good to have things cleared out finally.  Yes, I know there is still a lot more to unearth, yet I am not as afraid to look it in the face as I was.

I have “kinda” known some things I learned growing up, it is only now that I see how it has operated in my adult life.  One of them is not asking for help – it is imposing on people.  I was talking to my older sister the other night and mentioned that – boy, does she know what I mean!  Her comment was”Ditch it girl!”.  I have had to ask for help because all of this has made me realize I am in over my head.  I haven’t felt I have a handle on what todo, where to go , etc.  I contacted the Alzheimer’s Association and they have given me a place to start.  I have been to a couple of support groups for caretakers, plan to go again next month and also to understand I have to take care of myself as well as Mom.  There are legal and financial ramifications, plus now I need to make sure there is someone with Mom all the time.  That way I can go out and do things for myself and my sanity, yet she isn’t left all alone when I do go.  My life has become narrower and narrower because of that.  But I do have to take care of myself and what’s left of my business – not sure how all of this will come together yet.

This not asking for help, doing it alone – we very seldom went to the doctor, Mom took care of us at home.  As I look back on my years of RA while we were moving around, I realize I was doing it on my own, not asking anyone for help except maybe the doc or the OT.  So I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about it until I started volunteering at the Connecticut Chapter of the Arthritis Foundation.  I met other people who understood, but a lot of what I did was  not about me but more about giving basic info on arthritis and what the Foundation offered.  Also, not talking about it because “other people really aren’t interested” as well as “you don’t tell other people your business” – now I know other people have dealt with the same thing or similar and they are there to support me.  I have gotten so much support from friends and business associates – last week I talked about it in my breakfast group and found myself breaking down.  I hadn’t planned on that happening, I just wanted to thank people for their support.  That just brought up another one – be stoic and don’t show emotion – we do have British ancestry so I come by the “stiff upper lip” honestly.

These days I have a very wobbly upper lip, I seem to be crying a lot.  Now I have always cried easily, I always thought it was a sign of weakness.  I cry when I am mad, when I am sad, when I am depressed, frustrated, fed up with pain – the list goes on and on.  Now when I talk about Mom and the things I am dealing with, I am a puddle so quickly ; I find when I am doing work with the massage, more puddles. I am wondering if that is just releasing and that stuffed down emotion and stuff that I didn’t feel qualified or eligible to express at the time.

We were also taught that when someone offers you something, you politely decline.  Never did understand that one.  I also found myself picking apart a compliment, as if I was worthy or deserving of a compliment.  It took a long time to be able to just say Thank You when someone told me how well I looked or how amazing something was that I had done.  I understand now that I am giving a gift in receiving a gift, whether it is a compliment or a physical object.  Sometimes it takes awhile for the message to finally get through and I know that I know it.

I know my parents did the best they could – they always made us feel loved and wanted, taught us integrity, honestly, gave us discipline and boundaries we could count on and they always did things as a family.  As I grew up and learned how other families operated – I just assumed everyone was like us – I began to appreciate and understand how blessed the three of us are.  It is a big job to raise a child and I knew I didn’t have the patience to do it – thank goodness I married a man who also didn’t want children.  My hat is off to people who do raise their children well.  So now I am a parent after all.

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Happy Birthday To Me!

January 15, 2012

This is my 65th birthday.  It seemed to be something waaaay in the future that would take forever to arrive – the future is now!  I am not unhappy about turning 65, I would rather be here than in my 20′s – though with the knowledge I have now, things certainly would have been different.  I am not quite at the point of saying I wouldn’t change a thing – maybe in a few more years.  However, I have earned every one of those years along with all my wrinkles – my life is definitely on my face.  Funny, I look in the mirror and my face looks pretty much the same as when I was in my 20′s – except for the wrinkles, the second chin and probably more freckles.  It is still a round baby face with round cheeks, deep set eyes and a small mouth – as I get older I see I have my mother’s mouth.  I was never a great beauty who worried about losing her looks, I figured I would look much the same through out my life.  Yes, I have always wanted cheek bones, a slender face and body and to feel I am pretty.  I am working on loving every part of me, even the uncomfortable parts and to release myself from those Madison Ave messages that constant told me I didn’t measure up.  I am not tall, blonde, tanned, beautiful, slender and look like a model.  I am somewhat short, Rubenesque or fluffy; freckles with pale skin;  brown, white and grey hair; a round baby face that is friendly and welcoming.  In short, I Am Me and the best part of me is what’s inside!

I had a wonderful birthday wish from The Universe which said in part:

A few years back, not so long ago, heaven and earth erupted into a major celebration with the news of your impending adventure into this very time and space. You see, someone like Lee Kaplanian doesn’t come along all that often. In fact, there’s never been a single one like you, nor is there ever ANY possibility that another will come again. You’re an Angel among us. Someone, whose eyes see what no others will EVER see, whose ears hear what no others will EVER hear, and whose perspective and feelings will NEVER, ever be duplicated. Without YOU, the Universe, and ALL THAT IS, would be sadly less than it is. 

Quite simply: 

You’re the kind of person, Lee,
Who’s hard to forget,
A one-in-a-million
To the people you’ve met.
Your friends are as varied
As the places you go,
And they all want to tell you
In case you don’t know:
That you make a big difference
In the lives that you touch,
By taking so little
And giving so much!

Lee, you are so AWESOME! For your birthday, friends and angels from every corner of the Universe, including buddies you didn’t know you had, will be with you to wish you the HAPPIEST of days and an exciting new year in time and space. You won’t be alone! 

What delight to read it!  I am finally at the point where I can really begin to accept this and know it is true.   I could write about the parts of me that are not working well, instead I would rather concentrate on all that is really great. I have a wonderful husband of almost 43 years, wonderful friends I cherish, some very interesting relatives from both side of my family as well as my husband’s side, an interesting life that continues to surprise me (who knew I would meet Eddie and go to Australia to be married!) with opportunities to meet people, go places and do things.  I have been working on personal development for quite awhile, the last 2 years have been the most intense and enlightening, I am finding my own voice and enjoying writing this blog.  I look back and see that in my own way I have helped others, they have helped me and in many cases it hasn’t been obvious but very effective.

Mother Nature has given me a gift for my birthday – snow!  Fortunately it isn’t sticking but it still is fun to see it come floating down.  It is as if  She turns on the spigot and the snow falls, then it goes off for a bit.  Each time the spigot opens, it comes down in different ways, sometimes a few flakes, other times a real shower or a bunch of tiny flakes.  It reminds me to the places I have lived and how well or not so well the snow was cleared, sometimes stuck for a few days.  I don’t drive in snow – Nothing is that important!  This gift is a delight because I can enjoy it without having to shovel or drive in it.

A lot has happened in 65 years, I am excited to see what is coming for in the next few years.  It is going to My Time, creating and living my passion, what I am born to do.

PS   The snow did stick and there is 2 or 3 inches on the ground and decorating the trees and bushes – how absolutely gorgeous!  Mother Nature never ceases to amaze!

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